captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight the world of dressage, or as horses call it, horse dancing for rich folks. then big news in the world of

music. the aging members of kiss want to rock and roll only until about 6:30. and my guest is artist jeff koons, whose work sells for million, but i'm willing to sell his half-eaten cheese tray for $20,000. india is crippled by power failures. have they tried unplugging the country and plugging it back in? this is "the colbert report." ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show, everybody. good to see you. welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. [audience chanting "stephen"]

thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. you're too kind. nation, please. we have other news to talk about here. thank you so much, folks. nation, today republican presidential candidate mitt romney wraps up his historic vacation to england, israel and poland, and i'm sure he's glad to finally be coming back holmes. of course the liberal media has been hammering mitt throughout the trip for a couple of hiccups, like when he offended palestinians by suggesting they aren't prosperous because of their culture and offended the english when he questioned whether london was ready for the olympics. why is that controversial? every week hank williams, jr., questioned if americans were ready for some football. come on. double standards. well, today in poland, folks, romney's press secretary rick

gorka pushed back at the info jackals. >> governor romney, do you feel your gaffes have overshadowed your foreign trip? >> show some respecting. >> we haven't had another chance to ask him questions. >> this is for the polish people. [laughter] >> stephen: yes, show some respect for this man's ass, which is apparently a holy site for the polish people. so all in all a successful trip. best of all, romney has checked three countries of the list of 1,000 places to offend people before you die. i know i've always dreamed of visiting machu picchu to remind the peruvians of just what a tiny people they are. [laughter] of course, mitt isn't the only romney wowing them on the international stage this week. so is refalca, the romney family horse, who is at the london

olympics competing in dressage, which i have declared the sport of the summer for those who use summer as a verb. now, refalca is poised not only to take the gold, she could have a major impact on the u.s. presidential election. >> the v.p. selection comes shortly probably after the olympics. >> mrs. romney has a horse competing in the olympics that could keep her in london until as late as the 12th, and it's quite likely there will be no announcement, at least until then. >> stephen: yes, there will be no v.p. announcement until after refalca is done competing. that could mean only one thing -- romney has chosen refalca as his running mate. [cheering and applause] it's an historic choice. folks, this is an historic choice, like sarah palin. like pailin, refell ca's female,

also doesn't read newspapers and has completed the same number of terms as governor. great, great vm p.m. pick. her one negative is that critics claim dressage is elitist but not so says refalca's rider and trainer. he said, "money is not something that defines dressage. it's something you can do with a normal budget." yeah, it's really all about budgeting. you cut out a couple lattes a week, by the end of the month, you've got yourself a $3 million dutch warm blood. and these normal budgets are why dressage is full of normal folks, like prince abdullah alfud of saudi arabia, the princess from denmark and daria phillips, granddaughter of queen elizabeth ii. ♪ these are the people in your neighborhood ♪ in your neighborhood

or on your money. well, folks, last night refalca, dressage, give it up for dressage. [cheering and applause] well, folks, last night i showed you part one of my adventure in the work-a-day world of horse ballet. tonight the thrilling conclusion, which, in the spirit of nbc's coverage, we actually taped ten days ago. jim? >> last night i sat down with michael barazone, member of the beijing olympic team and coach for the 2012 london games, who taught me all about dressage, especialliers hardest disciplines, passage or horsie walking sideways, and fancy prancing. i was hooked. and i had my eyes on the prize. what do i have to do to wear

that tiara? >> the tiaras were won by myself. >> that's your tiara? >> stephen: well, i won it. i don't understand why people say dressage is an elitist sport. you guys wear tiaras. >> if you succeed at your lesson today, you can wear the tiara. >> stephen: the sparkly gauntlet was thrown down, so we moseyed into the stables to learn the tools of the trade. now this thing, this is nice. >> that's a lungeing whip. >> stephen: this is when i lunge at my horse? >> new york lunge is when you take a younger horse. easy, easy. >> stephen: that's the real deal. that brings back memories. do the female horses and the male horses ever date? >> no. no, dating is all arranged marriages. it's selective animal breeding. >> stephen: we do that at my country club, too. we arrange what kids can date each other so we'll have a better crop for next year's swim team. then it was time to meet my

dance partner. >> so stephen, this is conchita. >> hello, conchita. now, is there anywhere i should not touch the horse? >> generally approaching the horse is about the way you approach her. you don't want to be in front of her or we hide her. >> stephen: what would happen? that's when she kicks the skull off my shoulders? >> the likelihood is about zero. >> stephen: is it about zero or is it zero? >> there are no absolutes. >> stephen: would you hold the horse? >> i'd be happy the hold the horse. >> stephen: lovely talking to you. then i remembered the tiara. even without a skull, that would look great on my neck, so i suited up. [applause] and i prepared to mount milady.

>> first thing, girth. >> stephen: girth is important. sometimes more important than length. okay. now, is this how you start it? just pull this like a lawnmower. >> stephen: conchita, walk forward. >> give her a little push. hands together. >> stephen: how do you say giddy up in french? >> don't say anything when you're riding a horse. >> stephen: should by wearing a cup? because i'm not. >> i'm not worried about that. >> stephen: i am. i'm a little worried. i wore a cup in baseball as a kid, and this is like a 1,500-pound baseball. >> i don't wear one an i am kind of all right. >> stephen: i want to be more than kind of all right. >> you shouldn't smirk and you shouldn't frown. >> stephen: this good? >> that looks like you're having

too good of a time. >> stephen: i think i might have pee-offed a little. >> you haven't but you're going to. >> stephen: i'm pretty sure i pee offed. i think i need a towel. who is winning, me or the horse? >> you're doing fine. >> stephen: but just fine wasn't good enough to get the dazzling headband. what do i have to do to get the tiara? >> we have to peeoff. >> stephen: so after a lifetime of 20 minutes of training, it was time to achieve the most difficult discipline in all of dressage. >> slow down. slow down. lean back. relax your hands. lean back. not too much. little fingers closed. little fingers closed. lean back. little fingers closed. the tiara is yours. >> stephen: i peeoffed it.

[applause] we dressaged. michael, tell me, can i get off now? >> sure. >> stephen: oh, conchita. >> well done. >> stephen: a noble steed. i need an ice pack for my thigh please. michael, thank you so much for the experience of a lifetime. >> my pleasurement my pleasure. >> stephen: hopefully today we have proven that dressage is the sport of joe six pack or at the very least joe tiara. to refalca. >> and team u.s.a. [cheering and applause] >> what is this, korbel? ♪ aruba, jamaica ooh i want to take you to ♪ bermuda, bahama

come on pretty mama ♪ key largo, montego baby why don't we go ♪ down to c kokomo. we'll get there faster and take i slow ♪ that's where we want togo [ male announcer ] hey, isn't that the girl who tore out your still-beating heart? ok, how's this gonna play? try manly [ screams ] [ male announcer ] eew, ok, just do your thing. hey! hey! [ male announcer ] definitely a little bit epic. stride.

♪ swing music plays ♪

everybody. thanks so much. folks, if you watch this show on a regular basis, you know that i am a big player in the music biz. by the biz, of course i mean the industry. i got a grammy, a christmas special with an all-star rock 'n' roll cast, and i've had michael stipe on my book shelf for almost nine months. how is it going over there, michael? >> would someone dust me? [laughter] >> stephen: high maintenance. and folks, i know all the latest, hottest bands, like bonnaroo and lollapalooza. those guys are great. now it's summer, and that means it's time to remount my long-running one-year tradition of throwing my own summer

concert. last year we had jack white, bonn ebare, florence and her machine at steve fest colch ela '11. it took a team of surgeons four hours to successfully reattach the knob. i got to say, the knob has lost some sensitivity. [laughter] well, in the music biz, you always got to reinvent yourself. whether it's madonna or david bowie or paul simon after he had that weird growth removed. so, nation, tonight i am proud to announce my second annual summer concert series. [cheering and applause] >> steve fest ochella '12. >> stephen: nation. [cheering and applause]

nation, get ready to rock. in two weeks. the only thing bigger than festival itself is this year's venue. you may know her from her work capturing the marshal islands during world war ii. she displaces 41,434 tons. ladies and gentlemen, the mother [bleeped] u.s. intrepid. give it up. whew, whew, baby. we'll be on deck with a boatload of rock talent, including santa gold, grizzly bear, the flaming lips and fun. [cheering and applause] i love fun. i hear their shows are a ton of band. and the official aircraft

carrier-based d.j. is the per fechtor of the scratch, grand master flash. don't push him cause he's close to the edge. and on the intrepid, the edge is like a 50-foot drop. friday, august 10th at 7:00 p.m. for more information, including how to get free ticket, visit colbertnation.com. tell them i sent you. this will be the greatest thing ever to happen on the hudson river. suck it, sullenberger. we'll be right back.

>> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a renowned american sculptor of common objects like balloon animals, the world's most expensive birthday clown. please welcome jeff koons. [cheering and applause] hey mr. koons. thanks so much for coming on. good to see you. >> stephen, great to be here. >> stephen: now, sir, you're one of those art guys, right? you do art. >> i'm an artist. >> stephen: okay. do you like art? >> i like art. and, stephen, the reason i like it, i like the way it makes me feel. >> stephen: it makes you feel rich, man. [laughter] can we show some of the people some of your art? is it okay if we art it? jim, let's get some art going on here. what is this?

what are we looking at here? >> this is called a one-ball total equilibrium tank. that's what it is. >> stephen: you get paid big money for this? >> at the time i sold that for about $3,000. >> stephen: $3,000 you get for that. my kids do that, they get grounded. >> this is just a similar balance of an ultimate state of being. it's an equilibrium. everything is perfect. it's like being in the womb. >> stephen: you know how babies are made, right? i think you do because i've seen some of your art, and you definitely know how babies are made. >> let's look at the next one. this is one of your most famous ones here. you got this, everyone knows this. this is the balloon puppies. >> balloon dog. >> stephen: that's huge. it's ten feet made of stainless steel. >> it's like a be loon you would blow up and twist, a small thing, maybe a child's birthday party. but it becomes a little mythic

here. it's like a trojan horse. even... it's a dog. it becomes a little equestrian there. >> stephen: is there something inside? it's a trojan horse. is it full of greek guys in there. >> you can feel there's information inside. there's a certain darkness or depth in there. >> stephen: tell you what i like about your work. jimmy, show the next one, too. okay. this one, a lot of them are shiny, you know. a lot of them are shiny. so when i look at them, i can see me, and then i'm really interested in it. you know? why so much shininess? >> for that reason. really just for affirmation, to affirm the viewer. >> stephen: i am here. >> and it's about you. it's about your experience. you know. >> stephen: so the art is about me? am i helping to make the art? >> you are because... >> well, this thing went for $23 million. where's my cut? >> you know, the art happens

inside the viewer. the art isn't in the object. if you go to a museum and you look at a van gogh or you looked at a picasso or you look at a piece like this, the art is not there. the art happens inside you, the viewer. and the art is a sense of your own potential as a person. and that's where the art is. these are just kind of transponders. they just trigger that information within you. >> if art happens in a wood and no one is there to see it... [laughter] was it beautiful? >> you wouldn't know unless you were there to see it. but it happens. even yourself, you can look at something and you can, you knower kind of study something and look at it for years. then one day you can justified the beauty in something. it can change your life forever from that moment. but you don't always know when it will present itself. but it happens in you. >> now, you're hoping to make this happen in other people,

too, because you're supporting a project called studio in a school. okay, what does this do for the kids in these schools? >> well, studio in the school brings art to really underserved children. art education has been taken out of a lot of public schools and here in new york city, agnes gunn started studio in the school about 35 years ago. and she brings professional artists into new york city schools, it's touching about 35,000 children a year. and it's bringing art into their lives. >> let's look at some of the art the kids are doing right here. this is... that's beautiful. this is one of the students from studio in a school. can you draw like that? a lot of your stuff isn't drawn like that. a lot of stuff is stuff that's not drawn. >> you know, it's a beautiful drawing. each student is really talented and it's fantastic. you know, i can draw. i always drew as a child and i

always studied drawing and painting and i would win awards for my skills. >> stephen: you don't have to brag. you don't have to brag. we're already impressed with you, jeff. >> so i control i. but i tend... i went kind of a route following marcell duchamps. >> who is that guy? >> an artist who is given credit for the ready-made, just working with things that already exist in this world and displaying them. >> stephen: so something somebody else already made and you say that's art? >> it's creating a context, placing something in a context. >> stephen: why so many balloon dogs? did a clown take it from you as a child or something? are you trying to get it back so it's permanent now? >> actually, i've always enjoyed balloon animals because they're like us. we're balloons. you take a breath and you inhale

and it's optimism and you exhale. it's kind of a simple as that. [laughter] >> stephen: well, thanks for cheering us up, jeff. jeff, thank you so much for joining me. jeff koons, everybody. we'll be right back.>> that's i" everybcaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org. ( doorbell rings ) - what? - hey, mrs. reynolds. what do you want? uh, frank sent me over to pick up his toupee. - his toupee? - yup. what does he need his toupee for? i think he has a date or something.

frank has a date? yeah, i guess. well, he can't have it, it's mine. you own his hair? all right, fine. it's in a box in the hallway. i was going to throw it away, anyway. so, i'm really sorry about this, i know it's probably a tough time for you. divorce is a... tricky thing. oh! i found it! i got the hair now! found the hair. so... i guess i'll just, uh, see myself out. right. thank you for the hair. oh, no.