everybody [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: that's lovely. thank you so much, everybody. folks, come on, please. sit down, everybody. thank you so much. you are too kind. absolutely too kind. folks, you know there are so many dangers facing this nation but sometimes a hero rises. well, tonight we salute senator and galapagos american mitch mcconnell. [ laughter ] yesterday on the floor of senate mcconnell once again attempted to repeal obama care. now why was it so important for him to stop it yesterday? well, it's because today is the day that rush limbaugh tried to warn us about. >> the obama administration's controversial contraceptive mandate goes into effect today. most businesses including kat lick institutions must ensure

that health insurance provides birth control coverage to employees. >> stephen: that's right. free government birth control for all the ladies. so don't forget -- [cheers and applause] don't forget reset your watches and check your calendars because it's now whoroclock on the first everybody reported to bell hooked up to the yaz force feeding tube like a sex crazed. the gangs of hot blooded sluts are ma rawing the streets. of course, birth control means no more american children, and i think that was the whole idea. leaves our women all the more free time to take the loose lady express to bonetown junction. worst of all. worst of all if you are a

regular viewer of this show you know that this year maxim magazine listed me as one of the 100 hottest women in the world. [cheers and applause] so evidently i've got no choice. here we go. here we go. all right. there we go. [ laughter ] i'm in the sure what a dose is so i'm going to eat as much as i can. all right? and -- bottom's up. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] i'm sad. i'm retaining so much water. i'm a cow. [ laughter ]

man this, is going to be rough. anyway, ladies, try to fight your birth control induced sex craving. just remember mitch mcconnell and if that doesn't keep you from having sexer, know what will. [cheers and applause] folks -- good man. folks, that is not the only disaster we are facing because the economy is facing for a fall. >> the fiscal cliff is fast approaching. >> the fiscal cliff is looming. >> the fiscal cliff it's looming, owe oh, yeah. >> stephen: oh, yeah, the fiscal cliff not to be confuse withed with the financial glory hole. unless congress comes up with a deficit reduction deal on january 1 there will be a trillion dollars in automatic spending cuts and the bush tax

cuts expire which the congressional budget office says together could cause another recession. our only hope is that democrats and republicans in congress work together to find a compromise on tax cuts. in other words, we're all going to die. [ laughter ] now last week the democrats made the first move until this game fiscal chicken. >> the democratically-controlled senate passed a democratic bill renewing the tax cuts but only for people earning less than $250,000. >> the senate has approved a democratic tax plan that includes higher rates for high earners. >> stephen: wait, a second did they say the democrats passed a democratic plan? that can't be right. wait a second is this some kind of dream? let me check my totem. hold on one second. it's real evidently.

evidently it's real. the problem is, house republicans are not going to vote for this tax cut. because it excludes the top 2% and virtually every republican in congress has signed a pledge to never raise taxes, a pledge exattracted by the president of americans for tax reform and fourth most popular grover, grover nor quist. and everyone knows he is not a guy you want cross. >> p grover norquist is not into compromise. those who refuse to sign the pledge or blackside are subjected to primary fights against well funded opponents backed by him. >> never do they compromise on grover norquist. he is the leader. >> he is a hue deanism you could throw him in the bottom east river in chains and he would come out of there. >> stephen: you can't kill him. he's like the terminator

combined with a phoenix combined with a guy that just read atlas shrug. [ laughter ] the g.o.p. cannot go back on their pledge to the tax master but the dems think they've got a work around. you see senate democrats are proposing a novel way to circumvent the republican pledge, allowing all the tax cuts to expire january 1 and then vote on a tax cut for the middle class. this way the republicans can say they didn't vote for a tax increase on the top 2% that just kind of happened. they voted on a tax cut for the bottom 98%. they are thinking that this will fool grover norquist and maybe it would if he was woman-born. oh, you fools. you fools, the norquist cannot be tricked so easily. oh, some may think the norquist

would forget the blood oath they signed years ago when they granted them their powers but the norquist is always watching, always waiting. oh, the bearded one is vengeful. [ laughter ] just ask former president george h. w. bush who recent lid said you can't be we haded to a formula by him it's -- who the hell is he anyway? [ laughter ] well, well, a-ha. don't look now, mr. president but that is not barbara by your side. noooooorquiiiisst. now i shant repeat his name again because if you say it too many times he will appear behind you and slash more than your taxes.

[ laughter ] harry reid if you want to avoid the fiscal cliff and help the republicans defeat he who must not be shaved come up with a simpler plan. mib the republicans can fake their death, grow goatees and come back to vote as evil twins. maybe that will fool him. oh, no, i said his name too many times. no, no he's coming for me! i must appease him with a gift of a manchild. come to me. i must feed you to the norquist. arrgghh. don't take -- don't eat me. eat the baby. [ applause ] [cheers and applause]

i'm sure the baby will be fine. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. [cheers and applause] thank yous so much. i really appreciate it, folks. i love getting your energy because i'm tired. i was up all night watching the olympics. i had all the channels going. i watched the men's beach volleyball, the women's clean and jerk and the men's four by

100 chicken rotisserie. might have been an info mesh shal. i was sleepy. but that chicken took the golden brown. let's checkfd, with mycolleague, me, this is t report. [cheers and applause] the sport report presents: nation, the olympics have always been about one thing for me, fighting our enemies in a four seamed proxy war and last night america triumphed in the battle of the bulging caves. >> the starting point the fab five, everybody talking about what was an amazing night for the u.s. women's team. routing the russian, really everybody p on the way to the goad medal.

>> the u.s. gymnastics team capturing the hearts of country. >> what a great performance by the fab five, you know their names mckayla, kyla, ringo, blitzen and sometimes why. a brilliant performance. why i am just talking about. this let's take a look at the cease and desist letters i've gotten from the olympics telling me i can't use their footage. i'll tell you what. i'll recreate mckayla maroney's fantastic winning vault using this doll and she'll vault over let's see this twinkie on two sticks. there you go. there she goes. here we are. all right. hop --

[cheers and applause] and she nails it. it was something like that except of course the actual gymnasts are smaller than this doll. of course, the athletes are just kids, folks. a perspective not lost on cnn. >> the performance was so good, so solid and they won by such a big margin that it was theres and left the russian and chinese on the sidelines in tears. well con, team u.s.a. >> stephen: yes, well done team u.s.a. this, is what the olympic games are all about, making little foreign girls cry. [ laughter ] speaking of which -- speak of

which the 16-year-old chinese swimmer and suspiciously not american ye she wen. her performance might have been too good. >> a lot of suspicious surrounding the chinese swimming sensation. the 16-year-old is denying she took performance enhancing drugs to help her shatter a world record at the london games. one u.s. coach described her performance as quote disturbing. >> stephen: yes, disturbing. how did she finish the race? she's 16. halfway through you know she checked they are facebook page. [ laughter ] now in response to these unfounded allegations about the chinese, the chinese had the audacity to make unfound allegations about us.

did we forget to call no touchbacks? [ laughter ] a chinese doctor has accused michael phelps of doping. well, china, you got us. phelps was doping and he still beat you. [ laughter ] he smoked the sticky icky and then he smoked your ass. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: quoal back, everybody. thanks for stick with us, folks. my guest tonight is a nasa astronaut who has spent 58 days in space. he now has the bone density of a sand hill crane. please welcome john grunsfeld. [cheers and applause] thanks so much for coming on. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: i'm an enormous fan of america's space program.

we still have one, right? >> absolutely. >> stephen: you are nasa's associate administrator for the science mission directorate. that sounds complicated. >> i'm the science guy. >> stephen: okay. you have a mission to mars going on right now. it starts on the surface of the planet mars on monday at what time? >> 1.31 a.m. new york time. >> stephen: that's what it lands. >> yes. >> stephen: we have a nasa animation showing how you are going to land the rover on mars. talk us through how you are going to do it. >> it's been traveling for months to mars and finally on late sunday night early monday morning, the space craft will separate and hit the top of mars atmosphere. it's in the cruise space. once it hits it has a heat shield like the apollo program. as it ants the atmosphere it will slow down reaching 10g's of

ak sell race. we'll pop out a super sonic parachute. that slows it down so drop the whole thing out of the bottom where rockets will fire. it will hover over the surface of mars and let down on a crane until it can sit down on the surface so curiosity can start roving. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: not science fiction that's really going to happen on monday? it's really going to happen. it takes seven minutes from the top of the atmosphere to the surface of mars. it's all remote control. we don't have anybody -- neil armstrong is not there driving it down. >> stephen: did neil not want to do it? is he too big of a guy for mar? >> we might get him there but not bring him back. >> stephen: that's a tough gig. >> it is. >> stephen: it takes seven minutes for it to enter the atmosphere, get down and land.

>> yes. >> stephen: when do you know whether it's work something in how long before you find out. >> we have the mars odyssey space craft and mars reconnance on bitter orbiting and they'll receive the significant nalz and send them to earth and direct links as it comes down. we'll get indication not in realtime but as quickly as possible. the reason we don't have realtime is it takes 14 minutes for the signal to get from mars to the earth at the speed of light. >> stephen: it happens and 14 minutes later we know what happened on mars. actually faster than nbc can tell us what is happening in london. [cheers and applause] wow, impressive. is there any chance it's going to run into the opportunity rover up there? because opportunity is up there still alive, snriet. >> yes. >> stephen: and i imagine very lonely. >> it may be. >> stephen: that brings up an interesting question -- >> that brings up an interesting question.

i'm going to make a bold prediction it will discover absolutely nothing. it will rove around for two years drilling into the rocks ann curry liesing if there was life or mars or organic material but it's not going to discover anything. >> stephen: well, thank you so much for joining us. >> but the scientists on earth are going to discover incredible things. it's going to be two years of amazing science. >> stephen: the robot will get information it won't make the connection. >> yes. >> stephen: you scared me for a moment. i thought it was a cash dump for the government. >> i don't think opportunity is that lonely. >> stephen: what are you trying to discover? this is the first mission where we sent an organic chemistry laboratory to the surface of mars with the high def cameras, roving capable, an arm that can dpliel rock i. it will take the

rock and look to see if mars ever had an environment that could have sustained life. >> stephen: what is the line that we cross in our discovery that we go that is there is or was life on mar snrches it's a tough road. this rover may not tell us the answer but gives us a big leap. organic compounds, the kind of things that life makes that might overtime crust in rock, almost a fossil signature that life could have existed. >> stephen: if we found life or even evidence of life on mars that would be the biggest most earth shattering tear your books live in a cave moment in all of human him. it would be up there with discovery fire, don't you think? >> i think so. i think the headline would say this changes everything. >> stephen: it does because it makes you wonder, you know, genesis, you know? [ laughter ]

genesis wasn't until the fourth day that god created any living creatures. then the fifth day was animals and then the sixth day it was man and then on the seventh day he rested. maybe that's a lie. maybe he went to mars. [ laughter ] >> the question of whether we're alone -- whether there's life elsewhere is the big fundamental question this say big step. the curiosity rover on the surface of mars is a big step in that direction. >> stephen: good luck. what time again should we be watching? >> 1.31 a.m. on the big screens in times square. >> stephen: my show rebroadcasts then could you do it another time? >> it's a lilienthal stoanchts okay we've be right -- it's a little late for that. >> stephen:

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