but really want to take you up on the offer. sorry i called so much. if you gave me your phone number and i haven't called it's because we had sex while i was there and i've moved on. goodnight. >> oh, oh, oh, >> stephen: tonight, how is technology affecting your health? i'll google symptoms until i get the one that frightens me the most. ( laughter ). and controversy at the breakfast table. did kristen cheat with count chockula. my guest liza mundy is here to discuss how women are becoming heads of households. hey, it's adam and eve, not eve and adam. ( laughter ) july was the hottest month in u.s. history. i blame magic mike. this is the stephen colbert.

captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: good to have you with us. thank you so much. folks, let's get right to it. so much to talk about tonight. for years now, i have been warning about the looming dangers of obamacare. i sounded the alarm about death panels, nobody listened. i told you about rationed care but it fell on preventably deaf ears. but still, still, the terrifying menace of affordable health care

draws ever closer, but today, americans finally got the wake-up call from one source they can still trust-- their pizza. ( laughter ) jim. >> will obamacare make your pizza more expensive? >> c.e.o. of papa john yesterday, came out and said, in 2014 "our best estimate is that the obamacare will cost about 11 to 14 cents per pizza. >> stephen: 14 centss! that's three times the value of a papa john's pizza. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, folks. i love it. i love it, too. delicious. it's no wonder papa john's founder john schnatter, or as they call him in his native italy, johnny schnats, is a mitt romney supporter who sponsored a

fund-raiser at his home which is a scale model of luxembourg. they served romney's favorite pie, hold the cheese, hold the sauce, extra dough. still spicy for mitt. i'm sure you're saying, 14 cents. stephen, that's not even 1% of the cost of a large pie. people will be willing to swallow that. after all, they'll be willing to swallow this. wrong, wrong! people will not payure cent because when you order a papa john's pizza, it's only after you've reached a state of such desperate gnawing hunger that you would eat the ass off a raccoon that drowned in your bird bath. and even then, and even then, only after making absolutely sure that you're all out of drowned raccoon ass. and now obama expects to you

shell out almost three extra nickel for this pie. eat the nickels. you have your dignity. ( cheers and applause ) right? am i right? now, personally, now, perjurily, i love papa john's pizza. i believe they're a sponsor. order some right now. i will wait while you pause your d.vr. don't get me wrong, folks. i believe every human being has a fundamental right to affordable health care, but at what price? there has to be a line we do not cross. and it's 14 cents. ( laughter ) because if we just sit idly by while everyone gets access to a doctor, today it's just 14 cents more a pizza. tomorrow it could be three cents more a taco. and i would rather be dead. ( laughter )

folks, speaking of health care, it is so important to get a yearly physical. that's why last week i got 10 of them. now, i'm good for a decade. this is cheating death with dr. stephen t. colbert, d.f.a. now, quick disclaimer-- i am not a medical doctor. i am a doctor of fine arts, which is why i asked my patients to get nude and then descend a staircase. ( laughter ) as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott, we'll put a smile on your face, and sometimes your spine. first up, pills. now, we all-- thank you. we all know it can be a challenge to care for the elderly, the insane, and the insanely elderly.

it's hard to make sure that they are taking their meds. thankfully, the f.d.a. has approved a new digital device that's inserted into a pill to solve this problem. for more, we turn to the most objective news source, a promotional video made by the manufacturer. ( laughter ) jim. >> our system starts with a tiny sensor that goes in your medicine. remember how a potato battery works? a few metals and a wet potato can power a lite bulb. the sensor works the same way. two metals generate power when they get wet in your stomach. so it's literally powered by you. the patch, which you wear on your skin, knows when you've ingested your sensor-enabled medicine, and also captures your activity and rest patterns. then it relays that information to your phone, where our application connects you to your support network. >> stephen: that's right. the pill sends out a message once it has traveled into

grandma's digestive track, which is also the plot of the most disturbing magic school bus ever. ( applause ) now, according to the pill's manufacturer, proceeduous digital health, the sensor can help patients suffering from diseases of the central nervous system, including schizophrenia, because nothing is more reassuring to a schizophrenic than a corporation inserting sensors into your body and beam information to all those people watching your every move. ( cheers and applause ) now, unfortunately, embedding a sensor in every pill is expensive. that's why prescott pharmaceuticals has partnered with prescott apartmentelecticals, cliewsing, univaxor. inside this box is a digital

alert system made from cutting edge technology we found in an abandoned radio shack. now, it couldn't be simpler. you just swallow the tablet, which is a tablet. then activate blue tooth to your desktop by performing a hard restart, holding down your naval and left nipple until you taste the red light. and it's all powered by eating a box of baking soda and chugging a bottle of vinegar. the resulting volcano sends a signal to an orbiting satellite which relays your medical condition to everyone on the dish network. ( cheers and applause ) side effects may includes hepatitis c-plus-plus. the lode runs, and scuzzy port. next up, cosmetic surgery.

nation, americans will do anything to look young, from botox to neck lifts to drinking the tears of a virgin-- which reminds me, after the show, watch "steel magnolias" with jay, the intern. ( laughter ) and now, there's some good news about looking good from the good people at "good morning america." good. ( laughter ) >> this little device is a face lift in a jar made from two cones and a bungee cord. first, make two small braids at each temple. next, fasten the first comb to one braid. then bring the bungee cord around and fasten the other to the second braid, and viola. 10 years off your face. >> stephen: yes, a facelift bungee, the only beauty aid you

can use to secure luggage to the roof of your car. with this one report, abc news has set a new standard in sdver-journalism. they give both sides to the story before and after. jim. >> look at this woman before, and now using the device. the only side effect melissa wexler sees is looking 10 years younger. here's melissa before, and here she is using the bungee. >> it really, honestly, makes a huge difference. >> hiewdges difference. >> stephen: wow! they could be sisters. just try the facelift bungee, and in no tiernlg you'll erase those worry lines you got from wondering, did you spend 25 bucks on a bra strap tied to two plastic forks? of course, $25 might be out of the reach of someone. so why not spend a mere $24 on

prescott pharmaceuticals new vax-a-strap. a prescription strength adhesive celluloid ribbon, undetectable at a range of 50 meters or more. and it could not be easier to use. okay. all you do is put it in... and... ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) viola. ( cheers ) what's that? why, yes, i do have an i.d. ( laughter ) i can breathe easily, too.

it really oppose up the nasal passages. side effects of vax-a-sprap may include tombors, threemoares. proscot pharmaceutical, prescott, if you've never heard of us, we may have caused your memory loss. until next time, i'll see you in hell.

( cheers ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. you know, i've said it once, i've said it a thousand times. >> and believe this-- breakfast is the most important meal had of the day. but i was shocked to find that some of my favorite breakfast cereals have a shocking agenda. >> general mills, a company that makes cheerios, backs gay rights. it took a stand against the proposed state constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage in its home base of minnesota. a company vice president says the company values diversity and inclusion. >> stephen: general mills supports gay marriage-- well, there's no surprise they're into some sick stuff. remember lucky charms had pink hearts, yellow moons, owner stars, green clovers, and viagra, for some reason. ( laughter ).

i should have known there was a gay agenda in our cereal. you're not fooling anybody, kashi. you're more than just good friends. ( laughter ). luckily, one man, 65-year-old real estate broker michael wisener, has the courage to fight back against the general mills gay menace. >> one out of every eight boxes of cereal in this country is cheero's. this is really the treat now of the homosexuals and this is our protest of general mills advocating same-sex marriages so we are going to torch some cereals.

>> wait, get in the car. >> stephen: get out of there! get out of there! ( applause ) the gays have tricked you. first they coat america's favorite cereal with the gayest of all ingredients -- honey nut. no surprise, it's flaming. then the homosexual mafia that controls breakfast issues their little press release, leading a good man to react how any of us would, by burning cereal with a blow torch in a mini olympics calderon. the whole protest turned into a fiery, embarrassing debacle. that got them in hot water with the cops, folks. they would have gotten away with

it if they just hadn't posted it to youtube. the gays are never going to get me. from now on, i am eating only the least-flammable breakfast. that is both wet and straight. quaker oatmeal. ( laughter ) just look at that hot quaker lady on the front. ( laughter ) she-- she is what i call a real quilt. i gotta tell you-- ( applause ) i would not mind-- ( cheers ) hello. hello. hello, friend. i wouldn't mind sprinkling some brown sugar and cinnamon on her. we'll be right back. ♪ we ran a mile before breakfast ♪

♪ sure, i had a salad for lunch ♪ ♪ but a miller 64 at dinner? ♪ oh yes, 'cause i've worked off my paunch ♪ ♪ 'cause we live a life of balance ♪ ♪ and no one can say that we're wrong ♪ ♪ so here's to good miller, who cut out the filler ♪ ♪ and made a beer worthy of song ♪ ♪ to miller 64 ♪ to miller 64 ♪ to love, sweat and beers and well deserved cheers ♪ ♪ to miller 64

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has written a new book called "the richer sex" when i assumed was pictures of warren buffet and bill gates going at it. please welcome liza mundy. thanks so much for coming on. you're a longtime reporter of the "washington post," okay, and you're currently a fellow at the new america foundation. now, let's talk about some of the new america that you foresee. you've got a new book here called "the richer sex-- how the new majority of female bread winners is transforming sex, love, and family."

what do you mean "the female bread winner." i'm not saying the ladies shouldn't be in the workforce and they don't do a good job, but men are the bread winners traditionally. this is a traditional country. >> traditionally, yes, but increasingly not. we're at a point where almost 40% of working wives out-earn their husbands. we have, you know, women having kids and supporting them as single moms. and we're looking maybe in 20 years, if the percentage of women who are out-earning their husbands continue rising the way it has been, by 2030 that figure could go over 50%. >> stephen: i thought ladies on average for the same work were getting paid 70% of what men were being paid. that was the deal. ( laughter ). >> there is a gender wage gap, and that means in some cases, women are supporting households on less than a man might make. it's all the more reason why we have to even up that pay disparity. >> stephen: how did that happen? it's not like there are less

guys out there. >> true. >> stephen: how did this come about? >> well, i mean, we're looking at a changing economy, right, where industrial jobs, high-paying industrial jobs that men used to have -- >> stephen: men jobs. >> right, right. >> stephen: blue collar, big wrenches, lunch boxes, hard hats. that kind of stuff. >> that's right. >> stephen: the kind of men who shout at women saying hubba-hubba as she walks by. >> sometimes, sometimes. >> stephen: often, often, sad to say. >> those jobs are wayneing. we're moving into a knowledge economy that rewards educated workers. women now are the educated sex. they're taking almost 60% of college diplomas. they're taking the majority of master's degrees, dockettary degrees, associate degrees. >> stephen: but men also go into super, high-powered jobs, wall street jobs, that kind of stuff. women tend to-- and i don't mean this to be an insult-- tend to take jobs that help people. ( laughter ). and men don't go for those as much, especially after women

take those jobs. you know what i mean? women kind of ghettoize the jobs. >> that's called gender pollution. >> stephen: so the ladies gender pollute the jobs where you're nice in your joobz, and forces all the men to go to wall street where you're professionally ( bleep ) to people. >> that's the case. women increasingly are going into professions like law and medicine. they're feminizing those professions. doctors-- doctors, veterinarians, psychologists. i mean, these fields have flipped. >> stephen: do you guys want this to happen-- by guys, i mean girls. do you guys want this to happen? do you really want to bite this off because it's not as rosy as it looks. >> i say yes and no. women have been raised to expect equality and parity, and that's that we've been strifing for, work the same number of hours, get paid the same amount of wages, and sometimes when women find themselves pulling ahead it

can be surprising to them. we have a generation of women under 30 in most american cities now, women without children are out-earning their male peers. this comes as a surprise. young women in college are out-numbering men. there are more women with college degrees than men and they're having to ask themselves, "would i marry a guy who didn't go to college?" >> stephen: your subtitle says, "how it's transforming sex, love, and family." what does this do in the wiewd war. because there's nothing more maskalating than having a woman worry she's emasculating you. you know what i mean? let's not talk about that. >> i did talk to women who worried about that. i interviewed more women who thought their husbands were emasculated than men who thought they were emasculated. >> stephen: is that what "the 50 shades of gray" is the fantasy of the powerful man and

the naive woman. >> i have quite a bet of that in there. i have a chapter on sex, yes, yes. >> stephen: all right. what do you do about that between the sheets? >> well, it can-- when it comes to-- as a surprise to couples, when the woman starts being more successful, if they don't talk about it, when she comes home from work, she doesn't feel like she can download the event of the the day or talk about her success and if they feel like they can't talk about whose going on, of course it can be problematic. >> stephen: or if she comes home with a wad of bills and says make it rain. that might cause a problem, too. >> or not, or not. >> stephen: tell you what. try it. liza mundy, thank you so much for joining me. the book is "the