same please bag all of your trash and hang it from a tree otherwise they will rummage through it. not because they're bears but because they're an indy band and it's a very tough living. and as for every-- every-- coachella fest is our d.j. grand master flash! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ooh, flash. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: flash, you know those beats are so phat i'm going to have to prescribe you libtor. (laughter) in this veil of tears nothing good could happen without corporate sponsorship. you are the future, you understand that! the youth of america understands that tonight i salute the heroes at pepsi. bring it out here!

sir, thank you, old glory, pepsi, the official drink of my throat. (laughter) (cheers and applause) i cannot believe how much money we got from them. (laughter) and, folks, since we're here on the hudson river which i believe is international waters that means there are no rules. (cheers and applause) tonight anything goes. gambling, orgies, cock fighting, go nuts. (cheers and applause) although fair warning, at the cock fighting it is b-y-o-cock. same goes for the orgies. (laughter) every year... as every year at colbchella fest we are joined by my cohost on the bridge of the

"inprep peud" a man with whom i can onliestly say i would not be here tonight, my dear friend, stephen colbert. take it away. (cheers and applause) there he is! >> stephen: hello! hello! welcome. (cheers and applause) thank you for joining us. once again, ladies and gentlemen, i am coming to you live from the bridge of the aircraft carrier "intrepid" where i have built an exact replica of my studio. it's just like my real studio only with a slightly higher chance of being stricken with sea madness. (laughter) now, folks, speaking of insanity, we are all still trying to measure the impact of

romney choosing paul ryan for vice president. i mean, does it make romney look more exciting? does it make ryan look old enough to drink? (laughter) of course one immediate question for anyone seeking the white house is are these men ready for the international stage? do they have what it takes to pretend other countries don't exist? (laughter) now, on sunday george stephanopoulos put the question to v.p. fourth runner-up and g.o.p. pinata tim pawlenty. >> this ticket is now lacking in national security, experience, no vulnerabilities there? >> governor romney has traveled extensively internationally and understands these issues very well. my goodness, he spent his entire career in global business arrangements, transactions, traveling and understanding different countries, cultures, geography and the like. >> stephen: that's right. america's enemies have nothing on this seasoned business traveler.

(laughter) mitt romney may not have served in the military but he is a card-carrying member of the admiral's club. (laughter) when iran destabilizes the middle east by threatening to nuke izmit will step in and demand to speak to the concierge! (laughter) maybe get some more pillows or fresh towels. and these arab world uprisings? let me tell you folks, mitt knows all about uprisings. when coach passengers try to force their way into first t first class bathroom it's chaos. (applause) this... this is the kind of foreign policy experience we need because it's a dangerous world out there, folks. the war in afghanistan is now in its 11th year. that means it's a tween. (laughter) which explains why it's so distant and we just caught it with drugs. (laughter) of course these years you don't hear much about the war. even i haven't talked about in

the a while. i'm busy throwing a concert series on the deck of an aircraft carrier. i just couldn't see how to fit the military into that. (laughter) now thank goodness for nbc who last night brought the war home in the two-hour premier of "stars earn stripes." >> these celebrities have been take on the a secret camp to be tested. >> there are no stunt doubles. this is real. >> under fire. >> real ammunition. real explosions. real danger. >> every episode is an actual mission. >> stephen: that mission? attract males 18-35. (laughter) and who... 40 are the heroes? dean cain. nick lachey. todd palin. picabo street. dolvet quince. and the rest. (laughter) and the operational mastermind is former presidential candidate, retired four-star general, and former nato supreme allied commander wesley clark. he is a george patton.

he is a douglas macarthur. but does he have what it takes to be a jeff probst? (laughter) just look at the sacrifice these t.v. heroes are making. >> for me, i'm going to be living out a little fantasy of being, like a warrior princess. >> kind of a once in a lifetime experience for people like myself to step in there and get in the strefrpblgs, so to speak. >> yes, once in a lifetime, other than all the times you could have enlisted. (cheers and applause) and still young. still very young. think about it. (applause) and, folks, this isn't just about ratings. executive producer mark burnett explains why. >> "stars on stripes" is an epic new show. it's about honoring our veterans. >> stephen: you hear, that iraq veterans? it's about honoring you. we can't do a parade just yet but we've got the guy from 98 degrees throw again grades with t.v.'s "superman." this is a 100% authentic war

experience. >> we go on real missions. we receive real training. we go with real live fire. >> i am so looking forward to taking on a real mission with real weapons and real ammunition. >> stephen: yes, this is real. (laughter) real missions and real ammunition. and real jetskis zipping in at the first sign of trouble. (laughter) in fact, this is better than real. because this is war as we imagine it! none of that setting up a checkpoint and local neighborhoods trying to suss out centuries old tribal conflicts or engaging in outreach with local religious leaders to affect a stable political environment. it's just blowing (bleep) up! even things that really don't blow up, like plywood and plywood boxes. (laughter) my one criticism here? when they dismissed dolvet quince last night, why didn't he blow up?

yeah! that's what i'm talking about! (cheers and applause) honoring! and, folks, like all warriors, these faux armed forces, or armed faux-ces, have their momentmoments of self-doubt. >> i don't know why i let my agent talk me into this. >> stephen: see? that's the real experience of war. and i'm sure the 80,000 u.s. soldiers risking their lives in afghanistan are wondering why they let their agents talk them into that. they really should have take than guest spot on "how i met your mother." (laughter) yeah! (cheers and applause) honoring! of course, like every war you have your hippo protesters. archbishop desmond tutu and eight other nobel peace already a yets wrote a letter to nbc criticizing "stars earn stripes" as trying to somehow sanitize war by likening it to an

athletic competition. oh, please, bishop tutu if that is your real name, this is nothing like an athletic competition. those things are dangerous! i say these brave celebri-troopers deserve your support. so please send letters. send care packages. or even better, somebody should do a use sew tour for stars earn stripes" to bring much-needed entertainment to this television show. (laughter)

welcome back, everybody, my guests tonight are an indy rock band from brooklyn. warning, listening to them may cause spontaneous ironic mustache. please welcome grizzly bear. (cheers and applause) ♪ (laughter)

(breathing heavily) (laughter) excuse me? (laughter) sorry! hey, you guys, thanks so much. there you go. >> edward. >> daniel. >> i'm chris. >> i'm also chris. >> stephen: thanks so much for coming on. let's get straight to it. we're thrilled to have you guys on. you are it on a stick in indy bands right now. obvious question. why tkpweuzly bear? you know they are godless kill

magazines, correct? (laughter) >> we're here to, you know, set the record straight. >> stephen: okay. >> we wear colorful pants, we're hear to try to show you that we're not that intimidating. >> stephen: because your music doesn't seem scary to me. >> no, it's not. this is much scarier. >> stephen: sorry about this, you guys, can we get something out of the way here? in case no help came for us in the lifeboat, who among the five of us should we eat? i'll start. i'm little stringy and i eat shellfish so i'm be gamey. give a reason why we shouldn't eat you. >> i'm low weight, unfortunate lift i don't have much on me. >> you should eat me. >> stephen: really? that's really selfless. or emotionally disturbed. >> i'm the meatiest. >> stephen: really? you mind if i squeeze there. >> there you go. >> stephen: that's nice. >.>> stephen: i can see wrapping you in tinfoil. >> a little bacon. >> stephen: throwing in a lemon and olive oil. do we have any aluminum foil?

excuse me, probably won't happen but do we have lemon and aluminum foil? because that would fall right off the bone. (laughter) you guys got indy cred but do you... i apologize for this, by the way. we normally don't have the interview area listing like this. are you going to be okay? critics have trouble defining your music. how do you define it? >> i feel like our music is like this boat. confusing and disorienting. >> stephen: but smooth. off jazzy quality to your music. and it's very smooth. have you thought about calling yourself smooth jazz? >> teens love smooth jazz. >> stephen: they do. >> we haven't taped into that market yet and we probably should. >> stephen: critics have called your music the beach boys on cough syrup. (laughter) but these days aren't the beach boys the beach boys on cough

syrup? >> pretty true. >> stephen: you do harmonies, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: let's do one right now. ♪ row, row, row your boat gently down the stream... ♪ >> stephen: it's a round. do you know how to do that? you do row, row... >> you asked for a harmony, not a round. >> stephen: well the (bleep). (laughter) you start. ♪ row, row, row your boat... >> stephen: >> stephen: $100 bottles of beer on the wall... note? note take me down the stream ♪ donna nobis pacem >> stephen: beautiful. you ready for the colbert bump? >> ready. >> stephen: i'm going bump the (bleep) out of you tonight. get a hand in here.

all right, ♪ colbert ♪ colbert... colbert... ♪ >> stephen: we'll be right back with music of some sort from grizzly bear. (cheers and applause) so dude. what is this you're listening to?

you need to pump up some jams. c'mon. it's friday. it's time to get this party started. sfx: the tag starts making techno beats with his mouth. wha, ow! mj in the housey-house! tags are annoying. so we got rid of them. new hanes tagless underwear. go tagless.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a treat. the band you're about to see has not played a concert in two years but they're doing it for you. (cheers and applause) their new album shields drops on september 18. i want you all to buy this album because we're giving them the colbert bump. we are bumping the bears! ladies and gentlemen, grizzly bear! (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ you're the only one

♪ just to drive ♪ lately it's about all i can take ♪ i will live an anthem ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i don't know what was the same ♪ if i could i would leave it all to you ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ take it all in stride ♪ ♪ we barely had a key ♪ ♪ ♪ take it fall stride ♪ we barely had a key

♪ done before we tried (cheers and applause) t me ask you something, chief,

have you ever grilled before? anything at all? ever? you look befuddled. you wanna flip that one i'm telling you, you're gonna burn it. they're gonna be like hockey pucks. i'm just sayin'. i used to be a grillmaster at a summer camp, hand it over. and i would consider some sauces. just sayin'.

ow! hey mj! we should hang out. thanks man. sure. new hanes tagless underwear. go tagless.

>> stephen: well, that's it for night two of colbch h *rbgella. now, if there are any fans here who brought demo types to give to grizzly bear please deposit them in the area marked "hudson river." good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh

access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) hey, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, oh, this is a treat. olympic gold medalist misty

may-treanor here to talk about her recent tabloid breakup with let's say someone from "the hunger games." anyway, there was a great deal of interest online with robert pattinson because of that whole thing and kristen stewart. our ratings in the key demographic that advertisers use to select their kill list... (laughter). i'm sorry "preferred customers." was to use their terminology boffa. it made me realize that i had after seeing the ratings for the past almost 15 years been focused on doing a program about subjects that are... let me just show you the tweets from the first... (laughter). from the first 15 minutes of last night's show. son of a bitch. (laughter)