all this walking i've been doing is that it's given me time to reflect on some of life's biggest questions. like, if you could save hundreds on car insurance by making one simple call, why wouldn't you make that call? see, the only thing i can think of is that you can't get any... bars. ah, that's better. it's a beautiful view. i wonder if i can see mt. rushmore from here. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.

where's the nearest jack in the box? g'head. try it- i found 4 places that sell socks. not socks. jack in the box. a yak is a long-haired bovine. that's true. i like things that work, like my no- nonsense all-american jack combo. it has two 100% beef patties, melting cheese, lettuce and tomato plus fries and a drink for $4.99. sounds de-lish. i found one d-list celebrity nearby.

that's our show. here is your moment of zen. >> the one guy that consistently can dismiss this and defending the president as having been born in the united states in the middle of a pretentious campaign was mitt romney, and ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central

♪ >> i think i can get america back for those who want to change this country. >> stephen: welcome to florida, everybody. thank you so much. thank you. thank you, everybody. thank you.

thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. i have to tell you, being away from you folks for more than a week is just too much. i was getting the shakes. folk, thank you so much for joining us tonight for the historic second first night of the republican national convention. force in tampa, florida. it is the super bowl of events that have way fewer black people. now, you weather heads out there, all know the start of the convention was delayed by hurricane isaac, which is scheduled to make landfall on the seventh anniversary of hurricane katrina, the seventh anniversary, of course, is the flying debris anniversary. and, folks, if you asked me, and by tuning in legally, you have, the timing of this hurricane

seems kind of suspicious. you see, thanks to televangelist pat robertson and jon hague agree, we know bad weather's is god's punishment foreman's failing, homosexuals, tornados are caused by al duller thars and hail is caused by people who snack from the bulk bin without paying, ouch. and one dried mango, who can it hurt, you think. here is how it works, hurricanes form from rising moisture creating by hot steamy man action aboard a gay caribbean cruise, now when that sin gets high enough, it makes the angels cry and those tears fall to the earth in the form of massive precipitation, because homosexuals are a biopart of the water cycle, that's why the gay symbol is a rainbow. so -- [ applause ]

>> that's how it works. so clearly, the liberal gays out there planned the storm by gaiing it up extra hard some place, because there is no way god would punish the republican party. we know they are not gay. after all, they doth protest sod much and hurricane isaac has had devastating effects on this convention. >> a lot of changes here at the republican national convention, entire events have now been condensed into three days. >> stephen: florida's governor's rick scott canceled his appearances here, alabama governor robert bentley canceled his appearances here and mississippi governor fill bryant has done the same. >> donald trump got bumped out of the scerksd he was going to speak on monday, now no longer appearing at all. >> stephen: no trump? >> folks, this is the biggest, classiest most dazzling disappointment i ever felt. >> i am like primo diamond

encrusted sad, of course there is still going to be plenty of excitement this week because chris christie is giving the keynote, paul ryan will accept the vice presidential nomination and marco rubio will be hispanic. also, also, time permitting, mitt romney. and it is going to be equally thrilling here on the report because while i am not in tampa this week i will host the first ever colbert super pac convention, you know our motto, making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. this is good. this will be a week long celebration of unlimited "money and politics". and we have got delegates here from all of the great states of money, cash, moolah. just getting my basic wet.

>> get, just getting my beak wet. and a little something, something. you guys milk that one. of course, there is a lot to do down in tampa besides the convention. there is bush gardens. no, i meant, you know, bush gardens. >> the entertainment industry is welcoming the republican national convention to tampa. >> the city is money for its dozen of strip clubs, they expect brisk business from convention delegates. >> just tell it like it is. i am going to take all their money. >> stephen: but don't worry, you folk at my convention aren't going to miss out on anything, because i have also hired a stripper. how are we doing, candy? >> great. stripping off just fine. paint is stripping off just fine. >> stephen: oh, i bet it is.

yeah. expose that grain. and when you are done with that i need you to regrout my shower. you know what i mean. >> you mean you want me to work on your tiles. >> stephen: oh, yeah. i have got a real mildew problem. candy, everybody. candy. [ applause ] of course as with any convention security is a major concern. so before you watch anymore of this program, be sure to get your all access convention pass a at colbert nation.com. now to get the pass, you will just need to answer a slew of probing security questions like name party and favorite repetitive republican.

is it chris christie, eric, erickson, tommy compton, hugh, hewitt or whitey white man. and then for the, then laminate it and you are ready to go and folks, rest assured the information you provide me is strictly private. it is just between me and a bulgarian herbal viagra spammer. remember, only colbert nation members wearing their proper credentials will be permitted to go to my convention. if you don't have one, please turn the channel to that lifetime movie where the nanny shoves mom down the stairs. that was, happens all the time. now i will have full coverage of tonight's events tomorrow i amity slowing, tivoing it so no one tell me how christi does does on the uneven bars. it is going to be thrilling if you have a heart condition or are pregnant, you shouldn't

watch not because of the excitement because probably you won't like the republican's position on healthcare and reproductive rights. [ male announcer ] drive a car filled with as much advanced technology as the world around it. with the available lexus enform app suite, you can use opentable to make restaurant reservations. during the golden opportunity sales event, get great values on some of our newest models. this is the pursuit of perfection. ♪ swing music plays ♪

>> stephen: thank you, everybody. thank you so much. welcome back to the show. hurricane isaac continues to bear down on the gulf coast, but it is not the only storm

swirling around the republican party. while i was off last week, missouri republican senate candidate and cadaver haircut model todd akin got some unwanted attention when he weighed in on everyone's favorite lighthearted summertime topic, abortion for rape victims. jim -- >> if an abortion could be considered in the case of save a 2, tube balance pregnancy what about in the case of rape. >> first of all from what i understand from doctors that is really rare, if it is a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. >> stephen: now, i it has caused some controversy but all he is saying is that there are an actual legitimate by the book sexual assault the -- and i don't want to use a testicle here, susie has a natural

defense mechanism, the same way a doug dollar fir threatens its bark when attacked by a japanese pine beetle, so all akin is saying here is, you know, actually, i don't want to take credit for his favorite stand, let me put his face over mine for this. all he is saying is, the female body shuts that whole thing down to prevent a pregnancy during a legitimate rape, therefore, any woman who gets pregnant wasn't really raped. thanks, jim. a straight shooter. of course, one or two, every woman in america got upset at akin's remarks and mitt romney himself has called for akin to leave the race, but one brave conservative out there is willing to stand behind akin.

iowa congressman and noted corn packer steve king. >> akin is a strong christian man with a wonderful family. >> he supports that no taxpayer funding for abortion, it would ban federal funding of abortions except in cases of forcible rape, right now medicaid also covers abortions for vicks of statutory rape or incest. for example, a 12-year-old who gets pregnant, congressman keen says he is not aware of any victim like that. >> i just haven't heard of that being a circumstance that has been brought to me in any personal way. >> stephen: yes, steve king hasn't heard of president george bush than cities among victims of statutory rape. i thought i did here it somewhere. where was that, jimmy? >> if there is a sexual predator out there who has impregnate add young girl, say, a 13-year-old girl, if that sexual predator could pick that girl off the playground at the middle school and haul her across the state line and force her to get an

abortion to eradicate the evidence of his crime, and bring her back and drop her offer at the swing set and that is not get the law in the united states of america. >> stephen: oh, right. it was steve king, he said it but he didn't hear it. because your voice goes this way and your ears go all the way back here. you have to go, hey -- [ applause ] >> stephen: anyway, akin is not dropping out of the race, and that is a bit of a wrinkle because romney already trailed obama among the ladies by 12 points. so clearly if republicans are going to attract the she voter they need to understand the female body a little bit better. >> well, i am here to help. jimmy. give me some learning about the ladies music.

[ applause ] >> welcome. welcome. welcome, ladies and gentlemen. to the vagina itouch. actually you know, could we change that maim to something a little more family friendly? that's better. welcome to the hoo-ha lady zone 5,000 where we report your z go decide. let's see how to get this started. i can never, i can never remember how to get the lady zone started. push the button some place and i can never find it. do you like that in is that good? hold on one second. you like that? oh, yes. there you go. okay. okay. record time. okay. fellows, as you are considering

legislating women's bodies here is what you need to know. first of all akin is clearly right, a woman's reproductive system clearly has built in defenses, notice that the uterus looks a lot like the -- shield. up here, up here, you have what are called the philippino tube, these are very small. now at the end, at the end of the tube right here, this is very important. this is where chewing gum ends up if a woman swallows it, okay it builds up, ladies, so be careful, okay? let's see. this area right here, i don't know what that is. it can't be that important. now. okay. now down at the entrance, down here, here there be dragons. okay? so be careful, guys. okay? well, republicans, that's

all the information i have got. if you have any more questions, just stop by, just stop by one of tampa's famous strip clubs. if you tip well enough you might just get an anatomy lesson in the champagne room. we will be right back. [ male announcer ] it's a golden opportunity

to experience the ultimate expression of power... control. [ engine revs ] during the golden opportunity sales event, get great values on some of our newest models. this is the pursuit of perfection.

>> stephen: thank you very much. my guest tonight, is the editor

of the daily beef, the dish, and a conservative who supports barack obama. i'm sorry. i mean he is the conservative who supports barack obama. please welcome andrew sullivan! andrew, thanks so much for coming back. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: it is summer. it is fantastic. now, four years ago you were an early conservative to come out in favor of barack obama and say he is the guy. the guy you specifically said to lead us away from the sort of fights over the culture wars and vietnam. >> yes. >> stephen: you were wrong. >> yes. >> stephen: would you like to apologize for giving people a hope of change? >> no. i was only wrong in thinking that the republican party might just have the good grace and patriotism to actually cooperate with an incoming president. >> stephen: you were hoping --

you were hoping don't, don't cheer before i nail him. >> you were hoping they would pussy out and say whatever you like, barack obama, do whatever you want and we will give up on our beliefs. >> i think when you just elected a president and in the boston depression since the 1930s you may get more than zero votes on the first sum stimulus package. they set out to destroy this guy from the get-go and that is why re-electing him is so important. >> stephen: okay. so you still support -- >> more zero now than in 2008. >> stephen: oh, really? why? >> because he didn't deliver and the parties are who worst than last time. >> stephen: they weren't the president. eight percent unemployment. >> yes. >> stephen: eight percent unemployment. don't apologize on behalf of the american people. >> most understand that recession began -- not during obama's presidency. if you look at japan and look at

america -- other places in the world are worst than the united states and he has done better than any other western country in the last two years, the last three years, and i also believe that obama is the only way we really will tackle the debt, and as a conservative i care about that. >> stephen: but the debt is $16 trillion. >> yes because you can't get revenues right now because there is no growth, because we are still recovering from recession. >> stephen: but he has strangling regulations. >> there is absolutely no evidence of anymore regulations. >> stephen: no, because he buried the evidence. he buried it. >> if you really want to cut the debt and you really want to do -- >> stephen: i really do. >> you have got to have cooperation between democrats and republicans, you have to have someone who is able to compromise and the one thing we know that romney and ryan won't do on anything is compromise. we have got to have some kind of deal between democrats, cut entitlements and for republicans to increase taxes and cutting definite. that's the only way to do it. >> stephen: cutting defense? >> a little bit more, yes. >> stephen: oh, really? okay.

so turn the keys over to the terrorists. >> because -- >> stephen: one of the big parts that gets you invited to all of the best parties is that you are this conservative out there who seems to be like the reasonable one. they are not conservative. you are not. you have an english accent. >> that doesn't make you a conservative. by the way, do you and pierce morgan and sue barney get together, ever? >> no, we don't, actually we don't. >> stephen: what drives me crazy is you guys having an opinion about america. >> well i have a green card so -- (bleep). now, i love watching pierce morgan at home and making idle commentator about his brilliant insights. >> stephen: oh, he does? >> yes, he also remind one of what we call in britain a

(bleep). >> stephen: okay. okay. so let's fantasize here for a second. okay. you have got a second obama administration. >> yes. >> stephen: what da -- how do you get your beak wet on this one? what is in it for you, mr. sullivan? you are a gay guy, right? no offense. right? >> yes. >> stephen: he is pro gay marriage. >> yes. >> stephen: you can't be an impartial person on this one. you should recuse yourself from all opinions. right? isn't the gay community all in for him because he pandered -- >> no. >> stephen: he pandered biobeige his conscience? >> a lot of gay people are -- not all. a lot are in because he actually is the most important president in the history of our civil rights, and i am grateful for that, and -- [ applause ] >> and i believe that allowing two men or women to marry is a conservative idea, it fosters responsibility, mutual care, all

of those values that conservatives say they believe in and i still believe in those values, and i don't believe in bigotry and fanatacism that has taken over this party and i hope that we might break that fever and bring conservativism back to the center, where we need it, we need it. >> stephen: all right. well, if the fever breaks please come back and we will take the temperature. >> absolutely. >> stephen: thank you so much, andrew sullivan. the dig at the daily beef. we will be right back.

[ applause ] >> stephen: see you tomorrow captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

>> tosh.o features video from the internet and is for a mature audience. comedy central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from performing them. enjoy. (talking in foreign language) [cheers and applause] ♪ >> the fashion police take jean shorts seriously. welcome to tosh.o don't be confused i'm not mumford & sons. it's me, daniel.

just sporting rag and bone. we get a web redemption. i get in the shark tank with a billion dollar idea and i show you how we relieve stress around the office. now let's see her stick it to the man again. >> aye, aye, aye. you might wan to do a better job hiding the murder weapon. she tossed that lumber aside like pujols after taking one deep. there is no way he deserved that. women are always treated with dignity in third world countries. i should know, i use to live in miami. this next kid must be a bachelor. because he's drinking straight from the carton. he probably has a mouth full of corn flakes or he's doing the never ending gallon challenge. just like nick cannon. >> when you leave the house in crotchless stockings you're looking for trouble.

ya, here is your real slut, limbaugh. she's trying to get to the urine discount. oldest trick in the book. i pee sitting down too on a toilet like a respectable person. good lord her bladder is as big as a savings at office max. why am i turned on by this. by the way if that store's rest rooms are for employees only i'm on her side. who would have guest breaking your arm is a gateteway drug to morphine. >> oh dang. >> this is a first time i have ever found that guy from the twilight movies entertaining.

it's weird because we haven't even turned the gas on yet. >> i feel like the joker. >> like the joker you're about to die from an overdose. too soon? by the way the funny bone isn't a bone at all. it's actually a nerve. there is no joke there. i just want you guys to learn something. [laughing] >> i see you're in a good mood. i do have a few things i would like to discuss with you. you were in a horrible drunk driving accident. your mother and father have died. your sister is also dead. that's unrelated. >> damn. >> your spinal cord was severed. you lost all feeling below your waste.

we had to amputate both of your legs and your gentiles. >> what -- >> never heard it described that way. those are blood clots. you will no longer be able to see. >> that's the only part of the job i hate. i'm talking about acting. this smug bastard deserves to have his face ripped off. >> and he will keep doing it until you wear your yellow hat again. does windex get aids off? it actually does. look how happy bubbles is that michael is dead. what's next? (oooh!)

>> you know the rules you break her you buy her. chiropractors are not real doctors. i do what everyone should do, ignore it until the pain goes away. chiropractors are people who want to crack knuckles all the time. they're masseuses with 20 credit hours. when jason stathom does it -- someone refused to give him the access codes. i hope that towel has color i form ochlorofporm on it for her. this maybe a snuff film. asians will do anything to get a few inches taller. >> cracking the moose knuckles

is not considered malpractice. stress is stored in the [beep] area. that's also how you cure a yeast infection. >> in what world does kaiser cover gang bang? as loon as their is a wash cloth between them it makes it way less rapey. quicks question, doc, are you adjusting my c7 with your boner? laugh all you want. this is going to save peyton manning's career. for that, we thank you. we will be back with the parkour webb redemption. but first tell me you got it. (ooohclaim). >> i got it

we asked over 3,000 doctors to review 5-hour energy and what they said is amazing. over 73 percent who reviewed 5-hour energy said they would recommend a low calorie energy supplement to their healthy patients who use energy supplements. seventy-three percent. 5-hour energy has four calories and it's used over nine million times a week. is 5-hour energy right for you? ask yodoctor. we already asked 3,000.

[beep] >> orb>> oh ... >> you ladies will eat anything. [laughing] >> that's natalie. instead of waiting for time to destroy her face like most women she got it out of the way early. parkour or adult leapfrog was invented in france. that's your first tip it's awful. parkour is unlike any other extreme sport. it's neither extreme nor sport.

if it's a sport then some wars are really wars. jumping around is called recess. kansas has tonight worst place to parkour. running through fields of wheats. >> the greatest parkour of all time was sonic the hedgehog. who died through a triple corkstkraoufplt got greedy . natalie was just finding the most creative way to get from place to place. she found it was in a ambulance. that's why i brought her to hollywood where parkour is done by stuntmen and nobody cares about it. >> what's up, tpha*l nat ly. >> hey, daniel. [laughing]

>> that really puts a pep in your step. is it hard for to you sit still like this. >> a little bit. >> that's why i brought to you the mall, peaceful place. enjoy a bench comfortably. >> i don't like the mall. >> what does parkow stand for. >> traversing from a to b as quickly and efficiently as possible. >> isn't that to walk in a straight line. >> you can't do that if -- >> how long you have been parkouring. >> -- >> is that how you say it. >> ? free running. >> why did you get into it. >> i was a gymnast for years. someone introducing parkour to me. >> free running. >> yes. >> what happened? >> i was in auburn, alabama.

i was going to do a pass. my chest was too low and my -- have you seen a girl hit her face as hard as i did. >> i have but that's because i do things in my house. what were you doing there? >> i was visiting parkouring places. >> they parkour around black people. >> you got rid of your teeth. is being tall or short better for the parkour community? >> most people are on the shorter side. >> tall people have a better life and more important things to do? who is the most famous of all the free runner, parkourers? >> david bell and sebastian fukan. >> boy, would i like to see him jump a mailbox. >> could probably side flip that mail box. >> you know the best in history? jesus. he went across water. you have done that?

>> no, vin. >> he did that in i believe birkenstocks. >> they made them back then? >> he had a deal with them. do you worry about wrecking your lady parts? man, you hear that? that's the old bones. the old bones. wooo. you ever date a guy who parkours? >> nun. >> loud and clear, girl on girl. >> no. >> wasn't clear. i apologize. >> what do you like most about parkour. >> the freedom i get running around. >> you get a opportunity to use it. here is parkour's arch nemesis the mall walkers. act normal or get the [beep] out of here. please this is parkour free mall. >> tax dollars will be wasted on stupid signs at city hall saying

no parkour here. >> put clasps over rails over skateboarders. what are they going to put on it for people don't walk aggressively on it? >> tar. asked. just put tar everywhere.♪ (gaming sounds) >> i don't think it's tar. i don't think that's the fix. i'm just, i'm just shop the idea.

♪ >> hey, how did you get here so fast? >> i took the elevator like a normal person. i have been waiting so long i got a cinnabon. that lady is still following you. persistent. think you can make it this time. >> definitely. (angelic muse i objec music) >> what are you guys chasing her form anyways? >> who, we do this walk every morning. >> she did not make it very far

at all. like a pinata. all her hard candy went everywhere. the best part about doing this show is having sex with all the extras. we will be right back. first our lawyers want to remained you the prank of the week was performed by trained professionals. (ahhh) [laughing] [beep]

>> genius. the only flaw i see is the high risk of decapitation. as most of you know i have a ton of great ideas. that's why shark taeufrpb is my favorite tv show. if you don't count fat chef, always sunny season 1-5rbs night court, i didn't know i was pregnant, are you there vodka, i need you, i'm trying to watch khel z and the challenge, battle of the exhibits. i was excited when shark tank me asked me back on the show for my latest invention. >> good evening, sharks, my name is daniel tosh. you probably remember me from the last time i was here. i'm the inventer of the high

toilet. screw you. how did i know they were going to back out and not put the high toilet in all of their rooms. the high toilet was a experience for us all. let's start with the question. what is wrong with bowling? the answer is [beep]. it's a game played by? mormorons. to make it more fun and cater to dumb he's i have invented skee-bowl. a combination of skeet ball and bowling. >> you roll the ball down the lanes. instead of hitting pins you jump the bowl ball off a god damn ramp. [ applause ] >> oh! who do you think you are? i am. >> the best part is you get huge

tickets to rediem for something or keep them they're so huge. >> i put a giant ski ball ramp at the end of a bowling lane. i'm asking for a ten million dollar investment for a 1% stake in my company. >> i'm out. >> no surprise. you wouldn't be good anyways. >> you wan do this full time. >> no i'm looking to sell out. i want as little work as possible. >> what are your sales like, dollar numbers the last two years. >> i have news for you, kevin. you're oufrplt. >> you're a cute kid. you're nuts. asking too much too soon with nothing to prove you could attempt to pull it out. nobody will give you the money. i'm out. >> you can't be out twice. how are you a millionaire. >> i will give you $800,000 at 30%. >> no thank you. we know bowling and ski ball is a white man's game. i'm here for one shark.

what do you say? you ready to get rich off these fat dumb hicks. >> yes. >> damn right you're in. >> when was the last time you held ' check for $500,000? >> almost every night. i have been on tv for a long time. it's not a big deal. >> i know it sounds -- but it's a good idea someone put a skee-bowl in and accept the liability and give me the prove is. don't forget to up load your videos. this comes from chess club kphed aoefpl. >> good morning. something is different about me. >> what is it? >> guess. >> you got new jeans. >> no. >> new necklace. >> no. >> new shirt. >> no. >> alright. what is it?

>> keep going. >> new contacts. tphoeufrpblts. >> new shoes. >> no. >> baby, listen. i have to go to work will you tell me what is different? >> guess. >> i don't want to guess. >> i wo*upbt won't leave this apartment until you guess what is wrong about me. >> new watch. >> no. >> new ring? >> no. >> for the love of god tell me. >> you have to guess it! >> new pants. >> no. >> new perfume. >> in the name of all that is holy tell me what is different. >> you have to guess! >> i don't want to. >> you have to! >> you did your nails. >> mass car era. >> no! >> every time do you this, alison! tell me! >> just guess! >> you bought a new bra. >> no. >> you're pregnant. >> yes. >> there is no god clai! >> guess if i thought that video

was funny. guess! >> we will be back with more