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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 20, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show, everybody, by the way, anything that was edited out of the president clinton interview that we couldn't fit on the show, we have put on the web, if it will fit. join us, leer it is your moment of zen. >> one last thought, you guys, when i was a boy, when i was a boy i used to think that becoming rich and becoming famous would make me happy. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you, everybody. but oh, you can tell a thursday crowd because they've already been drinking. (laughter) >> stephen: and i don't blame... i don't blame them for hitting the bottle, folks, because we are all suffering right now under the fatal-- failed presidency of barack obama. and don't tell me rescued the auto industry. because the last time i checked the 2013 chevy malibu doesn't even come with a heated steering wheel.
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what are we, bangladesh? now clearly, clearly america is suffering a leadership gap. especially when you put obama up next to a true conservative, russian president and shirt allergy suffererer, vladimir putin. my friend putin here is a strong leader who has long inspired all of us with his manly courage. he's cross bowed a gray whale. he's tranquilized a polar bear and evidently roofied a siberian tiger. not pretty, but that's how you make thunder cats. (applause) as putin himself has written, he enjoyed, quote, events involving the participation of fauna. (laughter) he enjoys it. for instance, he set the
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bear trap. then the bear participates in it. folks, you want leadership, recently to train some birds who were raised in captivity putin pilotted a hang glinder at the head of an endangered siberian crane migration donning white overalls to be recognized by the cranes. (laughter) folks, i haven't seen this kind of leadership over a threatened white flock since the republican national convention. (cheers and applause) not only... republican convention. strong, conservative crowd tonight. (laughter) not only is putin saving the cranes here, but his realistic crane costume will remind russian citizens it that any animal could secretly be putin in disguise. from now on they will think
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twice about condemning his regime in front of that house cat. now initially, folks, experts thought that to get the cranes to follow him putin would have to put on a special beak to be recognized. but in the end, he did not have to wear a beak. no, turns out all he had to do was threaten their families. (laughter) (applause) it worked. it's effective. and norfolks we might just be stuck with this barack obama fellow for four more years, folks, because mitt romney and really all republicans are facing a true challenge with the changing ethnic makeup of america. as south carolina senator and 9th grade dance chaperone lindsay graham recently explained, the demographic race we're losing badly. we're not generating enough angry white guys to stay in
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business for the long-term. yes, it's true. and if they are going to stay, republicans need to make more angry white guys. now of course the simplest solution is for them to purchase my new line of premium mail order sperm, formula 401 seeds of discontent. (cheers and applause) harvested from my "grapes of wrath" t is the same white male starter kit you know and love but in a limited batch especially produced while i was very angry watching gay porn. knock it off! give it a rest. seriously.
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still, with a dwindling supply of white republicans the gop has got to reach out. >> one of the biggest challenges facing the gop this november certainly will be winning latino voters. >> for romney to win swing states like colorado and nevada campaign advisors say they have to get a larger share of the hispanic vote. >> to become as committed to the democrats as the-- in the past while we're in trouble as a party and i think as a nation. >> stephen: yes. if hispanic goes with the democrats it will be bad for the nation. if they go with republicans, it will only be bad for hispanics. now the point is... (cheers and applause) the point is this election will come down to attracting latinos who, once again, are
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doing a job americans aren't willing to do, voting. so it is no surprise that the democrats made san antonio mayor julian castro their convention keynote speaker while republicans countered with chris christie who while not technically hispanic s at least 50% nacho. that's why... that's why this week unovision meet the candidates forum hosted both romney then obama, fold of course by a guy in an ape suit and a giant red grasshopper. and folks, romney had clearly prepared himself to appeal to latinos because here he is monday on the campaign trail. and here he is last night on univision. (applause)
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now clearly he wants it, clearly he wants it. apparently he just entered the spray can booth and cramped it up to montelbon. and he waste nod time putting their minds at east about his immigration policy. >> we're to the going to round up people around the country and deport them. that's not lipp lepp i said during my primary campaign time again we're to the going to round up 12 million people, the kids and parents and have everyone deported. >> stephen: no, that sounds like a lot of work. no, he is going to do what he said in his primary campaign time and again. >> well, the answer is self-deportation which is people decide that they can do better by going home because they can't find work here because they don't have legal documentation to allow them to work here. and so we're to the going to round people up. >> stephen: yes, the answer is self-deportation. make sure there's no way to work, no way to feed their children, make conditions so
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unbearable, people just want to flee. much in the same way conservatives are self-deporting from the romney campaign. (applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so it's effective. it is an effective strategy. you see, so mitt has got the real answer but his wife ann has identified the real problem. here's why hispanics are resisting her husband's message. >> it really is a message that would resonate well if they could just get past some of their biases that have been there from the democratic machines that have made us look like we don't care about this community. >> stephen: yeah. why won't hispanics just get past their biases. they're probably out back building my deck, you know how they are. well, for more on romney's crucial latino outreach let's turn now to my hisspanish colleagues mi
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huerman, mi muchacho, esteban, how are you my friend. >> holda, stephen, bienvenido for reporto, gigante. >> stephen: esteban, let's get down to business now. >> business, okay, chicka, chicka. okay, stephen, solamente. >> stephen: my friend, i don't get it, why isn't the hispanic community more excited about mitt romney? (speaking spanish (. >> stephen: how sad, the monster of bias, si,el
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chuppa bias. >> stephen: really, esteban? (speaking spanish). >> stephen: mexican jumping beans? doesn't that sound a little racist? (speaking spanish). >> stephen: its bottom line is, the bottom line is anne romney is right. it's just prejudice that is keeping you guys from loving romney's immigration policy. >> (speaking spanish). >> stephen: that's refreshing so, few latinos get that, but why, latinos and mitt have so much in common. >> (speaking spanish).
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>> stephen: well, he was a playa. so if that's true, why buy into the democrats propaganda? >> (speaking spanish). >> stephen: wow, i'm surprised would you say that about your fellow mexicans. >> mexicano no mexicano. (speaking spanish). >> stephen: but, esteban, you are a social conservative. how you can let yourself be seduced by the left wing media like msnbc. >> (speaking spanish) (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: really? rachel maddow. i don't know how to say this delicately but rachel is a -- >> liberal. si. (speaking spanish) chica! >> stephen: esteban colberto,
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, you know any, i mean any dog can attack the paperboy but an alpha dog will cut his brake cables. this is my alpha dog of the week. folks, you know i rarely pay attention to news from spain, paella guidi, trampled by a pack of wolves, what is there to know. like many of you is with intrigued by this recent piece of news from the small town of borja. >> in spain a century old art fresco of christ was in need of repair so an amateur art restore never our 80s took it upon herself to try to fix it. >> here's the fresco by the 19th century artist elias garcia martinez before, and after the patchup job. >> stephen: i can't tell the difference. (laughter) which one did the old lady paint? is it the naturallistic
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portrait of the son of god evoking the agony of the passion or the doe faced how many uj-- how many ung lus both have their charm. here is what happened she spotted a work of art in disrepair and showed a certain can-do attitude about things she clearly cannot do. now you might say my kid could paint that. but not if your kid has ever seen a human face. (laughter) this alpha dog wasn't afraid to leave her mark on the art world, even though a local foundation had just received a donation from the painters granddaughter to restore the original fresco. a professional restores are so literal. whereas this reinterpretation really makes you feel christ's suffering. i know every time i see it i say to myself, jesus! (laughter) and i'm not the only one who
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finds this alpha fido fresco best in show. >> the botched paint job may not be such a bad thing after rauchlt it's more popular than ever. >> the painting's value has gone from sentimental to being so popular crowds have to be kept back. >> stephen: it is so popular dan brown is writing a book about it. angels & demons and whatever the hell this is. (cheers and applause) but folks t is the latest on this shaggy jesus story that makes mrs. gimenez the true alpha. >> this morning to that botched restoration of an early 20th century painting of jess u the spanish woman who tried to fix the painting is now suing the church. the 80-year-old local artist says the church owners are
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charging visitors now and she deserves royalties. (laughter) >> stephen: that takes alpha balls. that's like hijacking a plane and then demanding frequent-flier miles. so for turning that lovely fresco into a pile of shit-tzu and then demanding someone throw you a bone,
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new book that has been called an indictment of our justice system which is perfect because i hold all my guests in contempt. please welcome errol morris. (cheers and applause) hey, mr. morris, good to you have on. now then, sir, let's just get your cv out here. are you an oscar award-winning document arian. you did the gates of heaven which ebert called one of the greatest films ever made, the fog of war, thin blue line, a brief history of time. you have a new book called a wilderness of error, the trials of jeffrey mcdonald. okay, why a book, why not a documentary this time? >> i tried to sell this as a movie and nobody really wanted to make it. (laughter)
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>> stephen: that's a sad story. >> it is. >> stephen: you should make a documentary about trying to sell this movie. >> well, it might be in the works. >> stephen: okay. well, listen, okay, so this is a famous green beret murders in the early 1970s. >> february 1970. >> stephen: okay. this guy jeffrey mcdonald, he killed his wife and he killed his two children, two daughters. and he blamed it on some hippies, right. >> can i use the word allegedly. >> stephen: no, because he was found guilty. and it was appealed and it was upheld and it went to the supreme court and they did not overturn it. and in our society, we call that person guilty. >> well, let me ask you a question. do you think the courts can make mistakes? >> stephen: no. (laughter) because if our courts are making mistakes then our whole system is on trial. you're putting our whole system on trial, errol
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morris, what do you thin think... really, you can't... he's been given every chance and he has still been found guilty. do you think he's innocent? >> i do. >> stephen: you do. >> i do. >> stephen: based on what? and i know it's a long book but keep it spiffy. >> one word, evidence. >> stephen: okay. what evidence is that? >> multiple confessions that were never heard by the jury. if we start questioning our authority, then we will question so many... . >> don't you think the jury should be allowed to hear this stuff? >> stephen: let me put it this way, if americans cared about evidence, wouldn't we be doing something about global warming? (applause) we have a system and this system has found this man
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guilty. and just a story doesn't sound that reasonable. he said that hippies came in, killed his family and then ran around chanting, acte acted-- acid is groovey, acid is groovey. that is not you what say when you're on acid. you say my beak is on fire. my beak is on fire. (laughter) did doesn't pass the smell test you have something called the interratron. >> what is that. >> it is my interviewing machine. >> stephen: this is how you interview people for documentaries, how does it work? >> cross connected cameras, two prompters, two cameras, eye contact, people looking at live video images but staring directly, just like i'm staring directly into your eyes. >> stephen: when you interview people are you not in a room with them. you actually have a screen that they are looking at and your face on it, and you ask questions. >> that's correct. >> stephen: okay, inspired by that, i have created something called
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the-- acomatic. an ipad hot glued to a bucket... (applause) thank you so much for joining us. now errol morris, what, this is better than actually being with us. what... . >> am i allowed to use this thing? >> stephen: for a fee. what does this do in an interview? how does it make it better to not actually be looking at the interviewer but instead looking at a digital image of the interviewer. >> it makes me feel a lot closer to you. i can't explain it. >> stephen: does it really make people more comfortable to not see your face. >> it makes you more approachable, more likable. >> stephen: really? >> i think even... . >> stephen: i should wear this to bars. (laughter) (applause) well, errol morris, thank you so much for joining me.
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>> thank you. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: errol morris, the book is called "a wilderness of error"