(cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show. tomorrow night magic johnson. here it is, your moment of zen. >> don't say you weren't warned this would happen. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, russia tries to claim the north pole! mr. gorbachev, tear down this narwhal! (laughter) then mitt romney threatens iran. stop your nuclear program or he will cut off your pbs! (laughter) and my guest is music legend and animal rights activist morrissey in his honor, today my interns are free range! (cheers and applause) nasa's "curiosity" rover has found a small shiny object on mars. it's either the top of a giant

metal city buried beneath the sand or a screw. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, please, nation -- (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please, ladies and gentlemen, you're too kind to me. nation, it has been 16 months since mitt romney declared his

candidacy-- a month since he accepted the nomination and five days since he started running for president. (laughter) folks, he is surging! new polls have him tied with or leading the president and the "new york times" 538 blog now gives him a 28.6% chance of winning! he is on a rocket ride to plausible! (laughter) and, of course, in the face of this surge, obama has become desperate. yesterday at a california fund fund-raiser he warned the audience what it's gonna take to win saying "we're only going to do it if everybody is almost obsessive for the next 29 days." (laughter) that's right, obama supporters, right now you're only logged on to his web site, facebook page, twitter feed, youtube channel, mobile app, pinterest board, tumblr, flickr, spotify, storify and ins gram. he needs you to commence!

folks, i'm worried obama's followers are obsessive enough to pull this thing off. actually, i think they're obsessive-compulsive. how else could he have raised $181 million in donations last month-- 98% of which were under $250! clearly his followers click the "donate" button, touch all the doorknobs in their house, donate again, then recheck the doorknobs because last time they might have touched one of them in the wrong spot. (laughter) so for their own mental health i want to address all of the obama supporters out there. guys, the president's counting on you to be obsessive. so on november 6-you should definitely go vote after, of course, turning the light switch on and off five times instead of three, because i think that's why he lost the debate. (laughter) and before you leave for the poll, make sure your d.v.d.s are not only alphabetical and facing right but the disks inside have

their labels oriented to 12:00. (laughter) oh, then go to the closet and make sure the laces on all your st. louis the exact same length. then get out your key square and align all the tupperware in your fringe at perfect right angles. then back to the shoes because i think you might have mislaced one of the eye holes. and you know what that means? you've got to check those doorknobs again. (laughter) then go vote for obama. oh, after you found the loaf of bread that i've hidden in your house with the heel taken out, reversed and then put back in two splices in, okay. (applause) what's that? what? oh, you can almost hear it screaming. (laughter) anyway, rop the voke. folks, this summer was a scorcher and the national snow and ice data center recently warmed that arctic sea ice is at a record low shrinking from this

in 1984 to this today. but cut the ice some slack, of course it shrank! that water's freezing! (laughter) and now that the ice has melted, it can mean only one thing: subzero pleasure yachting. last month, in the municipal vut territory, canadian police fined an australian tycoon for an arctic party cruise aboard his luxury yacht "fortrus" where he and his friend got drunk, set off illegal fireworks, jetskied and harassed local musk-ox. (laughter) did you know the eskimos now have 25 different words for "douchebag"? (laughter) but, in addition -- (applause) douchebag. douchebag fans here tonight. (cheers and applause) but in addition to providing nouveau places to be riche, as the arctic ice melts it's also

exposing oil, diamonds, shipping routes, and the new history channel series "ice road drowners." (laughter) so that means it's time for another edition of "smoking poles." (cheers and applause) the quest for arctic riches. folks, america has many rivals in the battle for arctic booty: russia, denmark, and now china which is lobbying intensely for permanent observer status on the arctic council as a near-arctic state. because much like the people in the arctic, the chinese can't see for the "sun" for six months a year. (laughter) plus, china covets greenland's resource rich bounties. >> under this ice sheet lies vast deposits of valuable minerals. here in south greenland, geologists have found some of the world's largest deposits of rare earth metals. these are crucial elements in the manufacture of high tech

items. >> stephen: china needs these rare earth metals to make cell phones, military guidance systems and toothpaste. (laughter) luckily greenland's vice premier jens b. frederiksen sees through china's sudden interest in their country saying "we are aware that is because we now have something to offer, not because they suddenly discovered that inuit are nice people." (laughter) bravo, jens, for not falling for china's moo goo gai pandering. china doesn't appreciate your proto-inuit thule culture the way america truly does. they don't know an umiak from an aleut iqyak. but america will respect you for your peoples. for your culture and of course for your precious lanthanum for which we will hollow out your country like a ripe cantaloupe. (laughter) next up, back in 2007, vladimir putin sent a robot submersible

to plant the russian flag on the sea floor. it was the safest way to claim the north pole, because we all know what happens when you lick it. (screaming) (laughter) true story. but now the russians have gone too far, sending a russian orthodox bishop who lowered a holy memorial capsule into the sea, consecrating the north pole to the russians. it was bad enough when they were godless commies, folks. but now they're godly commies. (laughter) sorry, ruskies, everybody knows god gave north pole to america because that's where santa lives. (cheers and applause) and he is a salaried employee of the coca-cola company! (laughter) read your contract, crinkle. we need those coke-drinking polar bears to disappear and we can do the same thing to you, chris. folks, we must fight this

russian orthodox religious nationalism with our own american orthodox religious nationalism. i say we slap a fur hat on pat robertson and push him out on an ice floe. (cheers and applause) he can consecrate the arctic circle for america! and maybe finally get to the bottom of what's causing all that ice to melt. i'm guessing it's something really hot that the gays are doing. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks, please, nation, last wednesday's debate proved mitt romney's mastery of economic policy. but foreign policy is more of a challenge for mitt. we all remember when he visited england, suggested the olympics were disorganized, told the press about a secret meeting with m.i.-6 and then motor boated her majesty. (laughter) embarrassing. protocol dictates that ones hands remain at one's sides when buttering the royal crumpet. (laughter) but in a speech yesterday, mitt proved he knows what americans want in international relations-- vague, long-winded threats. >> in afghanistan i'll evaluate conditions on the ground and weigh the best advice of our military commanders. in libya i'll vigorously pursue the terrorists who attacked our

consulate in benghazi. in syria i'll work to identify and organize those members of the opposition who share our values. and then ensure that they obtain the arms they need. we must make clear to iran through actions not just words that their nuclear pursuit will not be tolerated. >> stephen: four more wars! four more wars! four more wars! four more wars! you know what, folks? just two more and i'll punch card. (applause) and we get a free sub. (laughter) of course, mitt's strongest language was saved for iran. >> i'll put the leaders of iran on notice that the united states and our friends and allies will prevent them from acquiring nuclear weapons capability. >> stephen: mitt will put the leaders of iran on notice! one of the strongest things a president can do next to doing

something! (laughter) and, folks, after he is grated, mitt will have full access to the president presidential on-notice board. it's one of the things they teach you the first day in office-- along with the launch codes and how to jiggle the hand until the lincoln bedroom toilet so it flushes. (laughter) i'm afraid we might not have that kind of time. romney will not be president until january. and by some accounts iran is only 60 days from being 30 days away from being 10 days away from having a nuclear weapon and has been for years. (laughter) so as usual saving the world falls to me. boys, bring out the on-notice board. let's do it. (cheers and applause) okay. (applause) let's see here, let's see here. okay. we've got ira glass, islets of langerhans, illen comma.

here it is, iran's leaders. all right, you ready? you ready, iran's leaders? mullah this over! (cheers and applause) boom! iran, you are officially on notice! forget obama's weak-ass economic sanctions. mitt and i mean business. don't believe me? ask yourself why jane fonda doesn't have nuclear weapons. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a singer/songwriter known for his melancholy lyrics. are you ready to rock yourself back and forth in the shower while crying? (laughter) please welcome morrissey! (cheers and applause) hey! thank you so much for coming on! all right! thanks so much for being here. you're -- you're like a living

legend of indy rock, redefined the british sound, last 25 years -- >> you know what the word "legend" means? >> stephen: it means you're dead? >> no, it's something that might be true or might be false. it doesn't really apply. but thank you. >> stephen: well, you might not be that good. (laughter) it's possible. is he that good? (cheers and applause) all right. there it is. colbert nation has voted. you're from england. did you enjoy the queen's jubilee? it was such a lovely celebration! >> a celebration of what? (laughter) >> stephen: 60 years of majesty! >> 60 years of dictatorship! >> stephen: dictatorship? what are you talking about? >> it's dictatorship. >> stephen: it's -- it's a monarchy in name but it's really just a tourist trap at this point. (laughter) >> very, very true. >> stephen: didn't you love the pageantry? >> no. >> stephen: no? >> sorry, no. >> stephen: but -- but she's

your queen. >> she's not! >> stephen: yes! she is! you may not like it but she's your queen. you had to love the royal wedding? >> i hated the royal wedding. >> stephen: you had to love it. >> i hated it. >> stephen: kate the great! >> i think they're absolutely horrible people. i think they're arrogant horrible dictators. (cheers and applause) they're horrible. the world does not need them. >> stephen: you're not going to say pippa didn't look lovely. (laughter) you couldn't have pulled off that dress. (laughter) >> then of course a few weeks later she's in a scandal in paris, hiding completely. >> stephen: of course, they have to keep the majesty going. >> i mean, do you have a royal family? >> stephen: um, yes, called the romneys. (laughter) (cheers and applause) this is the smiths, right?

>> he's not satisfied. >> stephen: no, i'm never satisfied. it's my job as a journalist to find out why you won't get back together. okay? with johnmy mar. why not? you guys could cash in huge! >> not everybody's a fat old slag. (laughter) not everybody is. >> stephen: well, i hate to tell you, please welcome johnny mar. johnny? (laughter) >> (laughs) >> stephen: not even for a minute? not even a minute? >> well, it was quite funny. (laughter) >> stephen: you're a renowned vegetarian, you're kind of militant about it. you requested-- demanded-- that this building, everyone on staff, this this be a meat-free environment for the day that you are here. >> yes. >> stephen: so if i'm woozy right now it's because i haven't had my bacon. (laughter) why? why are you so militant about

not only, like, not -- not you having meat but not even seeing meat? >> because animals are nicer than humans and they're conscious beings. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: really. >> yes. >> stephen: what about animals that eat other animals? can i eat a lion? >> only when they have to. >> stephen: what about one that's already dead. like a cow that's been sentenced to death for a murder? (laughter) or a pig that commits suicide from listening to too many of your songs? (laughter) >> you shouldn't laugh at that. >> stephen: i know a lamb that's a (bleep)ing ass (bleep). can i eat that lamb? can i eat that lamb? (laughter) >> if you spit your grandmother in an oven she will probably be tasty. but is that any reason to eat your grandmother. >> stephen: that reminds me, you have an album and a song "meat is murder." have you ever thought about the unintended consequences of saying that? because when i hear that i just

think "murder is delicious." (laughter) >> but -- but -- to a really intelligent being murder is not delicious. (laughs) any kind of murder is not delicious. >> stephen: i don't think so, either. you're the one who made it tempting. >> (laughs) >> stephen: (laughs) thank you. well, listen, even after this conversation would you be willing to do some music? >> yes. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you're very forgiving. thank you so much. we'll be right back with a performance by morrissey. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: ladies and gentlemen morrissey. (cheers and applause)

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ note? ♪ our creator had to make the biggest mistake of all ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ if you set me aside you'll find people are the same everywhere ♪ stood me from the group and groups are the same everywhere ♪ then our creator had to

stumble and stall ♪ and our creator had to make the biggest mistake of all note? ♪ note yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ it's a shame, it's a shame ♪ but people are the same everywhere ♪ and the land of the free and the home of the brave exists nowhere ♪ here in our loveless nation we're all in a