>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> just in time for passover we're looking at unleavene captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [eagle caw] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central

[crowd chanting "stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank r- thanks so much for joining us. folks -- [cheers and applause] nation, please thank you. heros. you know, folks -- please we've got a thing to do here. i don't grow tired of it either. [laughter] nation, i dont need to tell you that the republican party is in crisis. and ever since they lost the

election, the gop has been flailing around for answers. and no one has flailed harder than republican national committee chairman and unsolved jumble puzzle, reince priebus. [laughter] by the way, the solution to that jumble? crisp bee urine. [laughter] look it up. look it up. [ laughter ] right after the election, mr. urine convened a panel of republican leaders called the "growth and opportunity project" to study why they lost. or as he put it: >> you've got to do a full autopsy. >> stephen: yes, a full autopsy. [laughter] it's the natural thing to do when you've got candidates this cold and stiff. [laughter] well, the panel released its autopsy last week, and good news, there are multiple causes of death! [laughter]

>> our message was weak. our ground game was insufficient. we weren't inclusive. focus groups described our party as "narrow minded," "out of touch," and "stuffy old men." i'm only 41 by the way. [laughter] >> stephen: yeah, he's only 41! he's a stuffy middle-aged man! [laughter] and while the autopsy says that republicans need to do a better job of reaching out to black people, brown people, and women people, no group is more important to the gop's future success than young people people. as the report laments mitt romney lost voters younger than 30 by five million votes. five million! what were my fellow under 30-year-olds thinking? [laughter] well, hold on to your backward hats, young jee-zees, because [laughter] the autopsy says that to reach

the kids, the gop should establish a republican celebrity task force, an elite squad of conservative superstars ready to deploy as soon as we activate the celebrity task force signal. [laughter] [siren] >> gop celebrity task force assemble! jon voight! victoria jackson! tom selleck! kelsey grammer! cliff claven! lady from northern exposure! [laughter] at least one baldwin! [laughter] this guy, from that thing!

the kids won't know what hit them because i'm not sure they know who these people are. [laughter] now, on the slim chance this doesn't seal the youth vote, the republican autopsy also says, "republican leaders should participate in and actively prepare for interviews with "the daily show" and "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] whoo! [cheers and applause] you hear that, republicans? now, i dont know why a politician would want to go on with grandpa over here, but if you come on my show, you will reach the youth! or as i call it, "you'll get youth-anized." [ laughter ]

listen to your priebus! this studio is a safe zone, mi casa es su casa-- is something you will never hear me say. [laughter] reince priebus, take your own advice: come on my show. [cheers and applause] i gotta tell you -- folks -- [cheers and applause] i'm going to be picking this out of my skin all night. and reince priebus has his work cut out for him, because america's moral fabric is thinner than a pair of lululemon yoga pants. [laughter] the gay swarm descended on the supreme court which today and tomorrow are hearing arguments-- no surprise they're oral-- in two cases which will decide whether gay marriage is a constitutional right. i shudder to think the unnatural coupling of same-sex partners may be put on the same legal footing as my loving

relationship with my gun. you complete me. [ laughter ] what is that? i'll put you in my holster. [ laughter ] folks, if we lose either of these cases, it is gay-ma-geddon america: lost in sea of hedonism. it's already started. don't believe me? brace yourself. a duck has fathered a chicken. [laughter] that is terrifying and delicious news! [laughter] sorry, but the bible says, marriage is between one man, and that man's rib. nothing gay. [laughter] but try telling that to the

secular progressives out there. support for gay marriage is surging like ryan gosling in my dreams. knock it off! i will -- i'm flattered but i don't want to spot you. [laughter] a recent poll found that 58% of americans now think it should be legal for gays and lesbians to get married. [cheers and applause] and the other 42% object only because they don't want to go to another goddamn wedding. [laughter] this terrifying decay of public morals brings us to tonight's word: narci-citizenship [laughter] folks, if our founding fathers knew about the advancement of the gay agenda, they'd be spinning in their silk pantaloons. [laughter] when they wrote our constitution, homosexuals weren't even invented yet. as justice alito said in court

this morning, gay marriage is "newer than cellphones or the internet." yeah, and it was 30 years before everybody had cell phones. what's the hurry, gays? [laughter] the problem is -- the problem is, these days gays are everywhere. 57% of amercans now say that they have a family member or close friend who is gay. up 12% since 2007. and that takes its toll. for example, ohio republican and republican from ohio rob portman. >> conservative republican senator rob portman, who has opposed gay marriage in the past, stunned washington by saying he now favors it. his reason, his son had told him he was gay. >> stephen: he changed his mind because he has a gay son which is not just wrong but it's undemocratic.

because his other two children are straight. what happened to majority rule? [laughter] [cheers and applause] portman's just the latest victim of the long gay con. here's how the scam works. first, a gay person decides to get born into a conservative family, gains their trust by letting them love and raise them, and then 21 short years later-- boom!-- they spring the gay trap. [laughter] that's what happened to dick cheney. his daughter mary changed his mind about gay marriage by tugging on his heartstrings. now, thankfully, some republicans are holding fast, like georgia senator and noise bill cosby makes when he gets out of a chair saxby chambliss. [laughter]

when asked whether rob portman's flip flop had changed his mind, chambliss replied, "i'm not gay. so i'm not going to marry one." [laughter] suck on that , gays. saxby chambliss isn't going to marry you. ergo you don't get to marry anyone. [laughter] it's the same reason, i believe. this is same reason i say we should eliminate social security-- because i'm not old, and never will be. [laughter] and why should i care about women's reproductive rights? i don't have a vagina. i've checked. [laughter] all saxby and i are saying is nothing is worth fighting for unless it's happening to you.

if memory serves, lincoln freed the slaves because he was black. [laughter] but senator chambliss on the other hand is white that explains why he's against affirmative action. [laughter] and he voted against the 2009 stimulus bill, because he's already got a job. [laughter] and by his own logic, no marriage is legitimate except marriage to saxby chaxbliss. [laughter] sorry, ladies. so marriage is safe as long as saxby chambliss never turns gay. which you know, could happen. because he has proven he really only cares about one special man. and that's the word. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks sop. [cheers and applause] i've said this many times. if you watch this show you know it. i believe that children are our most precious resource. that's why i advocate planting ten new ones for every one we harvest. [laughter]

and i'm always on the lookout for threats to our children. which is why tonight i'm introducing my new segment "stephen colbert is watching your kids!" [laughter] one of the biggest threats to our our younglings is exposure to indecent material. so i was appalled to hear about a filthy museum exhibit in canada. see, the vancouver maritime museum has a new exhibit called "tattoos and scrimshaw: the art of the sailor," which features nine erotic engravings made on the teeth of sperm whales in the 19th century, or as one concerned parent calls it "whale bone porn"! incidentally, to get your whale bone porn name, take a name from the first line of your favorite whaling novel and combine it with your favorite dish at red lobster. so my whale bone porn name is "ishmael unlimited shrimp." [laughter] [cheers and applause]

for more on this story, we turn to ctv news, canada's whale porn news leader. >> vancouver's maritime museum wanted to show what sailors on whaling ships often long for when far from home but the tattoos and sailing exhibits showed a little too much for one mother. whale erotica that ann pimentel says she should've been warned about. >> i was appalled. i had my two sons with me it wasn't on their website. there were no signs when i purchased the tickets for my family. >> stephen: folks, if children see this harpoon-tang it will give them ideas. [laughter] thar she blows! [laughter] now, instead of going through the hassle of finding naked people on the internet, youngsters are simply going to simply head to the wharves, sign up for a two-year whaling expedition, harpoon a humpback, render its blubber into lamp oil, and then spend the next two months painstakingly carving erotic imagery into the

whale's bleached bones, just so they can get their rocks off. so parents, be on the lookout for strange behavior. the next time junior's in the bathroom too long, knock on the door and shout, "what are you doing in there, young man? are you engaging in the ancient maritime art of scrimshaw? oh no? then why did i find this bottle of 19th century tobacco juice that whalers used to darken their engravings under your mattress? answer me!" [laughter] and parents, if you have a collection of whale-bone pornography of your own, make sure it's password-protected. don't use queequeg-- way too obvious. [laughter] i-i-k+k+qi$a x4

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new book called "the creative destruction of medicine." i'm waiting for the generic version from canada. please welcome doctor eric topol. [cheers and applause] good to see you. you are the chief academic author at scripps health. cofounder of west wireless health institute in la jolla scal forn and you are a cardiologist yourself.

you have a new book here called "the creative destruction of medicine. " why do we want to destroy medicine? it's keeping aws live. leave it alen. >> there's a talk about transforming radical innovation, creative destruct. we have new tools in medicine to be able to understand each person at an individual level we never could before. we have smart phones and tablets. >> stephen: i have a smartphone am i a doctor? >> you know what is different? that smartphone is say conduit with date why and information about your health like your medical essence like you've never had before. >> stephen: how can i smart phone tell me about me? did siri tell you? hold on one second. siri am i dying? >> i really can't say. [ laughter ] >> let's convert the smartphone

to a medical device. let's do a cardiogram. put your fingers on it and make a circuit with your heart. we'll get this up and it's a way to get your cardiogram right there. you have a nice pacemaker. i mean your normal pace, rhythm. >> stephen: is that good? >> it's perfect. so far you are doing pretty well. >> stephen: what else can my phone do? >> before we get do that we can do infencive -- on the wrist. like i showed you this -- >> stephen: i have one of those. >> beyond that i'm going to go to my blood pressure. this is my continuous blood pressure, every beat with a wave form right above it and beyond that i have my oxygen saturation in the blood. >> stephen: how is it doing that? >> all through the sensors.

>> stephen: on your thumb there, okay. >> and temperature and everything steerchghts why would i want that? i have a doctor to do. that i complain to the doctor. he says you'll be fine and gives me a pill. >> you can do monitoring anywhere. so your phone -- >> stephen: what if i'm having a heart attack or something. they can process that signal arc laves and that could basically come rally -- signal, alarms and that could find you wherever you are. >> stephen: i'm having a heartattack it calls my phone and plays dun, dun, dun -- the grim reaper. >> at scripps we're putting sensors that will sense if you are going to have a heart attack days or a couple weeks before and give you a heart attack ringtone to warn you. prevent it.

>> stephen: really? i'm sure it's going to come down the line that the insurance company will give you a cut if you have a monitor on you. >> that's right. >> stephen: stay healthier but they'll sell that information about your present health toll other people and i'll get a ringtone saying, would you like 208% off on caskets or crestor or something like that? >> it's coming. >> stephen: if i'm doing the monitoring, why do i need the doctor? >> there you go. there you go so -- >> stephen: where did i go? >> i saw on twitter that you had an eardrum. >> diving i blew out my good ear. >> i thought you could take a look with the smartphone. so basically i put this right in here and i hope i don't hurt you at all. >> stephen: i hope so, too. ow! >> does that hurt? >> stephen: no. >> i have your eardrum right

there. >> stephen: it's an eardrum it's not my ass. [laughter] can i get a colonoscopy with this thing? >> it's healing. >> stephen: it's healing? it's doing okay. >> you are going to be all right with that. >> stephen: thanks very much. can i -- if i'm part -- i'm part of the doctor here can i get a prescription pad because there's vicodin cough syrup i want to get my hands on, whatever lil wayne is drinking. [laughter] doctor, thank four joininging me. dr. eric topol, ativereative