see you next week. [cheers and applause] ♪ [eagle caw] stephen: tonight, i uncover secret data in your facebook profile. turns out karen liking your photo means she wants to get back together with you. [laughter] then, how to spot radical muslims, and even more dangerous gnarly muslims. [laughter] and my guest, carl edgar blake, is a farmer who says he knows how to breed the perfect pig. step one: find a spider that can spell. [laughter] jon hamm is sick of everyone talking about his giant penis. so, media, you can start talking about mine. this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing]

captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen" brrk [ welcome to the report. good to have you with us. please, please -- [cheers and applause] thank you so much, nation. folks -- folks -- [cheers and applause] it is true, you know, i say it every other night but tonight it is good to have you with me. because folks, i've got to tell you -- i don't want to be alone right now. because i am shaken to the core by something i have learned in the last 24 hours. well, i'm shaken that i learned anything. i like to keep things tidy up

here. [laughter] folks, it is looking more and more like the supreme court may decide that it's legal for gay people to get married. and that's okay with people. [laughter] sometimes i feel like i'm the only one holding this country together. [laughter] i used to think i had a life partner in bill o'reilly. [laughter] but last night even papa bear let me down. listen to his analysis of the gay marriage case. >> the compelling argument is on the side of homosexuals. that's where the compelling argument is. we're americans. we just want to be treated like everybody else. >> stephen: i can't believe it. [laughter] on gay marriage, bill o'reilly has flip flopped! the gayest of all beach sandals! rav laugh. [laughter] and i couldn't believe what he said next. >> the gay marriage thing, i don't feel that strongly about it one way or the other. >> stephen: what?!

[laughter] bill o'reilly doesn't feel strongly about something?! [laughter] >> what is happening? [laughter] >> stephen: you are bill o'reilly. read your (bleep) contract. firemen put out fires, homeless people are crazy, and you feel strongly about everything. especially gay marriage. you used to. [laughter] >> if you ok gay marriage, then you have to do plural marriage. you would let everybody get married who want to get married. you want to marry a turtle, you can. anybody could have gotten married. you could have married a duck. and 10 years, this is gonna be a totally different country than it is right now. laws that you think are in stone -- they're gonna evaporate, man. you'll be able to marry a goat. you mark my words! >> stephen: i did mark your words! i recorded them. [laughter] and bill has very strong feelings about other peoples opinions of gay marriage. this is what he said about clinton signing the defense of

marriage act in '96 but coming out in favor of gay marriage now. >> when he signed it, it wasn't a big deal. now it's a big deal. he changes. you know, i'm sorry. bill clinton -- you're a phony, bill clinton. you're a phony. >> stephen: yeah, what a phony. but bill o'reilly's no phony, and that's what's shaken me to my core. [laughter] 'cuz if bill o'reilly is now pro-gay marriage, and isn't a flip-flopper like bill clinton, then back when he said gay marriage was like marrying a goat, he was really telling us that he's pro-goat marriage. [laughter] goat, this is bill. [laughter] goat. now, before any of you judge the [laughter] [cheers and applause]

i know this shocking but before any of you judge the o'reillys -- i, too, used to condemn man-goat love -- the love that dare not "mehhh" it's name -- but, like so many americans, i now know someone who bypassed match.com and went straight to the petting zoo. [laughter] and please don't reduce this to just a sexual relationship. don't make this ugly. though i'm sure they do have sex. and i bet it's pretty ugly. [laughter] but that's just a small thread in the rich tapestry of bill oreilly's relationship with a goat. no one should be denied the right to visit his sick lover at the vet. [laughter] this is about a man and a goat who want to share all of the joys and sorrows of life together. and if they choose to make a lifelong commitment, we should honor it.

and i feel very strongly about that. and bill, i'd love to be your wedding planner. [laughter] here is just one idea -- [cheers and applause] here's one idea: you can save a lot by using the cans you tie to the back of the car as one of the entrees. nation -- oh, i almost forgot we've got a sponsor tonight. we do that every so often. this is a good one, it's the cadillac of corporate sponsors-- because it's cadillac. go buy one. is that enough? [laughter] no. okay. we'll figure it out. we'll weave it in later. all right. nation, i'm a huge science buff.

for example, you may know that nicolas copernicus formulated the heliocentric model, which postulated that the earth traveled around the sun. but did you know that he's also a heretic who will burn in hell for all eternity? that's science! so i was thrilled to learn about an exciting scientific breakthrough. >> the university of cambridge over in london actually did a study on nearly 60,000 facebook users. and what they found in conclusion was that all of your "likes" that you're clicking can tell more about you than you might have realized, from your political values to religion to your gender, happiness and age. >> in fact, some parts of your identity could be predicted with 95 percent accuracy. >> stephen: yes, facebook likes can reveal your personality traits, just as friendster likes can reveal that you stopped using the internet in 2003. [laughter] to gather data, the scientists gave volunteers a series of psychological tests through a facebook app they created. and because it's facebook, the tests started as multiple-choice questions and slowly became nothing but photos of the scientists' children. [laughter]

the scientists took those test results then compared them to users' facebook "likes," to learn which likes matched up with which types of people. for example, they found that homosexual men tended to like kathy griffin, adam lambert, and "wicked," the musical. [cheers and applause] thank you, science. for the record, though, cancer-- still not cured. okay. [laughter] [cheers and applause] well, nation, i don't need some study to tell me who's gay and who isn't. that's what scarves are for. [laughter] the study also contained the blockbuster revelation that people with many friends liked jennifer lopez, while volunteers with few friends liked walking with your friend and randomly pushing them into someone or something. hey, not their fault they don't have friends. everyone they know keeps getting randomly pushed into traffic.

[laughter] but most importantly, the study revealed what your facebook likes say about how smart you are. researchers found that high iq corresponds to liking mozart, science, and-- "the colbert report!" [cheers and applause] what can i say? that's right, folks [crowd chanting stephen] i don't blame you i am smart! nation, if you like my show, you are smart. end of story. don't ask questions. that's not what smart people do. [laughter] and my viewers aren't just smart, i'm talking the kind of heavyweight intellects who, according to this study, also like curly fries.

[laughter] [cheers and applause] that just makes sense, curly fries are the only side dish where you have to calculate the tangent of the external arc before cramming it into your fry-hole. [laughter] now, if you'll excuse me, time to get my think on. mmmm, i can feel my brain getting bigger. brain is in the hips, right? there's nothing i associate more with refined, intelligent culture than a crisp glistening curly fry. it's the sampler platter. why do you think they stick out their pinkies in the first place? to hold the next curly fry. my only problem with this? i'm an average joe. i don't want to come off as some kind of ivory tower curly fry elitist. after all, you can only get

curly fries -- the cadillac of fries -- was that enough? [cheers and applause] no. you only find curly fries at finer restaurants, your arby's, your jack in the box. and good luck getting a reservation there. i've called -- they won't even let me talk to jack! [laughter] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] aú

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back,

everybody. thank you so much. nation, i've long warned that america is under dire threat from creeping sharia law. 'cuz it's here. all over the city i see women carrying around prayer mats so they can pray to mecca. [laughter] thankfully, brave legislators in 29 states have passed laws to stop sharia in mid-creep, including tennessee where, despite lawmakers' best efforts, sharia has managed to work a creep-around in the state capitol building men's room. >> when the tennessee state capitol underwent renovations, one sink in particular became the subject of controversy. the senate clerk was approached by a number of state legislators fearful that the new sink was a muslim foot bath. >> stephen: oh yeah, muslims are always washing their feet. it's supposed to be so they're pure when they pray, but we all know: the cleaner the feet, the softer the creep. [laughter]

[laughter] so danger averted, right? wrong! don't let your guard down, tennessee lawmakers. because what is a mop sink other than a muslim mop bath? think about it, a mop is nothing

but a beard on a stick, it's osama bin moppin'. [cheers and applause] well, now that we have these sharia mops in our custody, it's time to find out exactly what they're up to. now folks, this next part might be disturbing so, hit record on your tivos. [laughter] let's do this thing. if you saw zero dark thirty you know what is coming, all right. [laughter] get ready to talk exum! come on! get ready to talk scum. come on. who do you work for? right there, come on. gaaahh! have you been in connect with have you been in contact with al-zwahiri's swiffer? answer me! nothing. all right, have it your way.

but i am gonna mop the floor with you, buddy. pçblm$dd t![8d",zm,xn9

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a pig farmer. let's go meet him in "the cadillac interview part of my studio." please welcome carl edgar blake. [cheers and applause] thank you. about ten minutes. ♪

thanks so much for coming on. all right, mr. blake. you are the first pig farmer i've ever had on my show cofnlt great laitions. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: the reason we have you on is not just because you are a pig farmer but you are a pig farmer in a unique way. you used to be a -- you write code, you created computer portholes for companies and cities. are computer programmers so filthy that you decided to work with hogs to improve your living conditions? why did you go to hog farming? >> i've been doing computer work for so long, and there came a time when there wasn't any more computer work in iowa. >> stephen: was there ever a ton? >> actually there was. kept me busy a long time. >> stephen: all right. you created a --

>> iowa. >> stephen: how did you come up with this pig? it's winning contests. >> we tried to make a better pig. i did a lot of research on the tber internet. i found out in 182 a king in germany created the pig that won four world's fairs. i thought why not do that now. >> stephen: this is eugenics you are creating a master pig. >> master race, yeah. >> stephen: what are you breegd together. >> the pigs were too dry in germany at the time. this was the russian wild boor. at the time he wanted to be able to make for fat to the pig. went to china, heard about a pig called the mishon. they ended up with a pig swawld the swabian hall. i'm using a pig from ohio state

university. >> stephen: a chinese pig? >> correct. those are pure breeds. i bought them from the university and bred them with the russian wild boor. >> stephen: this is my beef with you. i have a beef with your pork. you are breeding a chinese pig and a russian pig. why do you need -- >> to make a german pig. >> stephen: why do you need literally two commie pigs? [cheers and applause] [laughter] what is wrong with american -- an american pig, sir? >> you really want to know? >> stephen: yeah, i really want to know because i eat a lot of -- pigs. >> u.s. pigs sucks. >> stephen: now, those are fighting words. >> i can't help it. >> stephen: okay. >> take a pig now. there no juice on them. no suck lens -- succulence.

white meat it pisses me off. >> stephen: it's the other white me. it is. >> no it's not. >> stephen: legally it's the other white meat. i'm going to clock you man. what do you weigh in at? you want to do it? go ahead. [cheers and applause] obviously when i say fight it's a metaphor for be upset with. >> no, no. >> stephen: nice to meet you. we raise pigs. we have plenism we raise them here. they are wonderful. what is wrong with the way we raise them here? >> they are raised in confinement. >> stephen: let them run, they'll get away. babe, pig in the city -- >> they are standing in their own crap and urine 24 hours a day. >> stephen: i believe the word you want to use is marinated. how are your pigs raised? >> mine are raised on the earth. >> stephen: it's all natural. >> on the dirt, it's natural. >> stephen: at what point do

they naturally decide to meander to the slaughter house? what part of -- do you reed them neech read them nietzsche -- how snarl is it really? can we see the pigs out here? [cheers and applause] oh. [squealing] oh,. who is this? who is this. >> that's hamway. >> stephen: beautiful. who is that? >> little smoky. >> stephen: hey, little smoky. how big will hamlet get? >> get up to 350 pounds but most chefs in the united states -- [squealing ] >> stephen: you stand right there. wait come back. come back. i'm sorry.

i'm going to need dry cleaning. [laughter] all right. naming them, does it make it easier later when you have to eat them? >> no, i try not to get to know them personally. >> stephen: let's get to know some of them right now. what do we have here? >> flapjack. this is for proscuitto. >> stephen: oh, you are delicious. [ laughter ] well carl, congratulations on the pigs. hamlet's it's been a pleasure. little smoky, please come again. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you so much carl edgar blake. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]