join us next week at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> i read a review of death to smoochy. this is what you wrote. >> what did i write? in all the annals of movies few films have been this odd, unexplicable and unpleasant. >> what did i say in that review, you have to be amazingly talent and gifted to make captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by >> stephen: tonight, the obama adminstration launches a new science initative. we already have the potato clock, what more is there to know? [laughter] and my guest, nih director, dr. francis collins, is trying to map the human brain. thank god. i get lost up there all the time. [laughter] the queen of england got a $7.5 million raise.

it was that or lose her to the miami heat. [laughter] this is "the colbert report!" ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. i appreciate it. [cheers and applause] thank you. [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ladies and gentlemen, i want to

thank you. that say warm n welcome, the kind we would give any visitor from buffalo. [ laughter ] who wanted to come down here. we don't bite much. [ laughter ] nation, there are reasons for some people to be afraid and some people to if you arous and i'm one of them. i couldn't be more upset if somebody paid me to be angry which they do. [laughter] as you know, normally, i don't care much for the environment: if it's that important to protect it, why isn't it scotchgarded? [laughter] but then this happened. >> major cleanup is underway after an oil spill in a small community in arkansas. the exxon pipeline was carrying canadian crude oil. >> stephen: folks, our worst nightmare has come true: we've been hit by a massive canada spill. [laughter] we still haven't recovered from the last one when celine dion

spilled all over las vegas. [laughter] it's been ten years and we still can't get the white leather pants out. [laughter] and this spill, from what's called "the pegasus pipeline", wasn't the safe kind that occurs in the pristine, ignorable wilderness. jim? >> crude oil spewed out of the exxonmobil pipeline coiling its way through a suburban neighborhood. >> stephen: yes, the suburbs. so this time clean-up crews won't be scrubbing down oil-soaked seals, we'll be scrubbing down oil-soaked neils. [laughter] but none of that is what bothers me. my problem is this spill gives fuel to environmentalists. >> pegasus is a pipeline with a 10th of the capacity of keystone xl. you build keystone xl, you have a more significant -- a 10 times more significant risk if there is a spill. >> this is a great example of what could happen if the keystone xl pipeline is permitted and built. >> the dangers are analogous. >> stephen: analogous are they?

let me tell you how i feel about that. let's see. possessing corresponding qualities. similar to. i disagree. [ laughter ] i think these critics are just being anaphylactic. [laughter] look it up. i don't know why people are worried about an oil spill from this pegasus pipeline, or from the keystone xl. an oil spill for never happen. because for legal and tax reasons, the black, sticky stuff in both pipelines isn't classified as oil, it's diluted bitumen. [laughter] so good news, arkansas! you don't have an oil spill, you have a bitumen spill! [laughter] it's merely a combination of heavy crude and sand mixed with light hydrocarbons that's difficult to clean up because it sinks in water. see? out of sight, out of mind, and into the drinking supply. [laughter]

build the xl now! because remember: those who do not learn from history, are doomed to prosperity. [laughter] nation, i'm as against gay marriage as the next guy. unless the next guy is gay. in which case, stand a little further away, next guy. [laughter] i mean i'm flattered but please. but even i'm getting tired of everyone having an opinion about gay marriage. even koko the sign language gorilla weighed in. jim? >> no man-man give ring. [laughter] change traditional definition of marriage, koko sad. [laughter] [ applause ] >> stephen: congratulations, gay people. koko sad. [laughter] fortunately, in this battle, one rich voice has risen above the noise. academy award winning actor jeremy irons, who, in an interview with the huffinggay post, made an argument against gay marriage that i have never

heard before. >> i don't know, i mean, it's a very interesting one that, and i don't really have a strong feeling but i worry that it means somehow we debase or we change what marriage is, i just worry about that. i mean tax-wise is an intersting one, because you see, could a father not marry his son? >> well there are laws against incest. >> but men don't breed therefore incest wouldn't cover that. if that was so, and if i wanted to pass on my estate without death duties, i could marry my son and pass on my estate to him. i, i don't have a strong feeling either way. [laughter]

>> stephen: so if gay marriage is legalized in england jeremy irons's son max -- get ready to make your father the happiest man alive! [cheers and applause] after all, you've been together 27 years -- it's time to put a ring on it. [laughter] naturally, jeremy irons saying gay marriage could lead to father-son marriage has ruffled some feather boas in the liberal media. i say, anyone who was offended obviously did not watch the interview to the end. >> i wish everybody who's living with one other person the best of luck in the world, because it's fantastic. >> spoken like a happily married man. >> yeah and even a man with a dog that he loves. i mean, living with another animal, whether it be a husband

or a dog, is great. it's lovely to have someone to love. i don't think sex matters at all. what it's called doesn't matter at all. >> stephen: see? he's cool with whatever. [laughter] a sexless marriage to a wife, a sex-filled marriage to a dog -- they're all equally fantastic. [laughter] and none of his comments are offensive, because as he says again -- >> i don't have a strong feeling either way. [laughter] >> stephen: exactly! if you say you don't have strong feelings about an issue at the beginning, and you wish everybody well at the end, anything you say in between isn't offensive. [laughter] i mean, for instance, i don't have strong feelings either way on illegal immigration. it's an interesting question. because you see, would we classify mexicans as full human beings? [laughter] or more as livestock? because it occurs to me

that truffle-hunting pigs are basically haarvesting, which is what illegals do. [laughter] but i don't have strong feelings either way. [laughter] if you want to breed mexicans on your farm, fantastic. dress them as little sailors -- that'd be fun! bravo! love laugh. [laughter] and i'm neither here nor there about the so-called fair pay act. i just worry that if we give women equal pay for equal work, does it undermine what it means to have a job? [laughter] and what's to stop a man from dressing up as a woman to get the equal pay? [laughter] also, insurance-wise, it's a nightmare. won't their menses attract wolves? [laughter] i'm an absolute -- i wish you all the best, no matter who's running your company. whether it's a woman or a dog, it's superb!

so thank you, jeremy irons, and don't stop talking about the issues. or do. i don't have a strong feeling about it either way. [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers an]

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause]

nation, it seems like every day president obama finds a new way to waste our tax dollars. i mean two daughters? seems a little redundant. well no surprise admiral spendthrift o-deep-pockets is at it again. >> president obama asked congress to invest $100 million next year to help unlock the mysteries of the human brain. the so-called brain initiative project would map brain functions, with the hopes of eventually finding cures for disorders like alzheimer's and epilepsy. what is this? $100 million dollars for a map? they give them out free at long john silvers! [laughter] and i'm not going to win any awards for saying this, but curing brain disorders? but try telling that to the president's hype machine. >> when we invest in the best ideas before anybody else does, our businesses and our workers can make the best products and

deliver the best services before anybody else. ideas are what power the economy. >> stephen: wrong! ideas don't power the economy. it is powered by lloyd blankfein stroking his monkey paw! and yet obama insists on calling it "the next great american project." really, sir? i remember when "the next great american project" meant going to the moon. how hard is it to go to the brain? you just grab an ice pick and go to town. [laughter] work it around oh, i remember summer camp. [laughter] i mean obama can't even name stuff right. his mapping initiative goes by the acronym "brain," which stands for brain research through advancing innovative neurotechnologies. you heard that right -- the b in "brain" stands for brain. [laughter] you can't use the acronym in the acronym. then what does the b in the brain in brain stand for? or the b in that brain? oh my god -- it never stops!!! my brain is hurting.

and i have no interest in finding out why! [laughter] folks, we know the gun registry is just a plot to take away our guns. this is just a brain registry. it means obama's coming for our brains! oh, he would love to get his hands on this beauty. jimmy, zoom in on my brain to give the president a taste of what he will never have. go! ♪ cheeseburger in paradise ♪ heaven on earth with onion spice ♪ ♪ i like mine with lettuce and tomato ♪

>> more than i thought. folks when, we return i'll find out more about obama's plan to map our noodles when i sit down with brain initiative project i-i-k+k+qi$a x45

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: we will welcome back, everybody. -- welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight wants to map the human brain. or as it's also known: a menu for zombies. please welcome dr. francis collins. [cheers and applause] nice to see you again dr. collins. >> great to be here is. >> stephen: fourth trip back to the show. i love finding out whawr doing at the n.i.h. >> a lot of stuff, man.

>> stephen: you are the director of national institutes of health. you led the government effort to map the human genome. >> right. >> stephen: tuesday president obama announced the brain initiative. >> yeah. >> stephen: why would you want to map the human brain? am i right? is this about mind control? >> how did i know you were going to go there? actually it's about this amazing stur, the human brain. >> stephen: i thought it was a nerf football for a second. >> it's not a real brain just to be clear. it is in these three pounds of material the most complicated biological structure in the universe. >> stephen: are they all rainbow flags? >> no, this is just a teaching model. >> stephen: just didn't know if it was a gi marriage thing. good head. this is in many ways the essence of what it means to be human. we're very much determined --

>> stephen: absolutely not. we're not determined. not me, my gut. you know the gut has more nerve endings in it than the brain does. did you know that? >> it has a lot but there are 76 billion neurons in this particular brain and each one of those makes about 1,000 or more connections. it's an amazingly complex structure. >> stephen: you are saying there's more nerve endings in the brain than the gut? >> i believe there are. >> stephen: who told you that your brain. >> well, how are we going to map the brain? is goingel going to do this? are they going to drive a tiny car up my nose? is it going to hurt? >> we go from a static map of the brain, a wiring diea gram, not a very good one and figure out how the wires work. think about if you were trying to figure out how an iphone worked. could you not turn it on.

you could pop it up but you would never understand how it remembers things, does calculations steerchg are you going to pop open my head while i'm thinking with a can opener and tracing paper? what do you mean? >> we have other technologies that don't require popping your head own but we could have a look inside your head. why don't we see what this would look like. >> stephen: i put this on. >> yeah, the tag goes in the back. >> stephen: tell my wife, i love her. tag goes in the back. i know how brain wave hats begun on, sir. [cheers and applause] >> all right. >> stephen: people of earth, i come in peace. [ laughter ] >> i'm glad to say that despite what some people may have argued you do have brain activity, sir. >> put this badboy up there, what is going on.

>> stephen: all right. okay. what is happening to me? [laughter] can i control. can i bend spoons with my mind now? what is all this up here? >> those are electrical impulses created by the 86 billion neurons in your head basically making the point that the brain is something that operates on the laws of physics. it has currents, chemistry. >> stephen: it looks like a richter scale. it's an earthquake in my mind. >> maybe on some occasions we do have earthquakes but those would be called seizures. >> stephen: that's bad stuff. again, i want to point out that the ribbon is rainbow colored. >> i want to point out this technology need helps -- the sequester has got in our way. >> stephen: yes it's duct taped together. it's very nice. can i take this off or will i pass out? >> it would be okay. >> stephen: ah. that's niesms and look at this -- [cheers and applause]

-- that's nice. and look at this didn't mess up a hair. where would i stab a pencil to get "call me maybe" out of my head? [laughter] >> you know, that's why we need this brain initiative. then i could answer your question. right new it's in there somewhere but we don't have the wiring and functionalities figured out. >> stephen: can you maybe it. there's the structure of brain. then there's the influence on the braifnl you are given pry yrts in thinking. you have given the decision tree of your life and the if thens are different for every single person. how can you map that on one person and have it mean something for anyone else? tnches a brilliant question. >> stephen: i'm a brilliant man. [cheers and applause] >> so are we all. the fact that we could, in fact, begin to understand the differences is way down the road something we might learn. right new we need kind of a reference of a normal human

brain if there's one we could call normal. >> stephen: are you looking for volunteers. >> you are exceptional. >> stephen: i'm just an average joe who changes the world with thought. [ laughter ] >> and we want to understand how the impulses work at speed of thought. imagine that. >> stephen: what is the speed of thought? >> it's what happened electrically between the 86 billion neurons when information is passed around steerchghts it's like 50 miles per hour. >> it's a lot faster. microseconds is the transfer between neuron to neuron. the way in which we perceive time. >> stephen: if i could speed up my brain would time slow down? >> no -- yeah, i guess it would actually. >> stephen: i just blew your mind. i just blew your mind, buddy. >> i had to think about that one. >> stephen: that is bruce lee stuff. >> you know why we're really doing this? because there's 100 million people in this country who suffer from brain disease.

by building the foundation of understanding how the brain works have a much better chance of knowing what to do for them. for autism, schizophrenia, parkinson's epilepsy. for all of those conditions that's why we're doing it. >> stephen: what about the pleasure center of the brain? could you drop a little electrical impulse there and give me the feeling all the time that it's like i'm a freshman in high school and it's wintertime and i'm about to get up and my mom comes in and it's a snow day and i get to snuggle back underneath the covers and she brings me tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. if you could find that, hook a 220 line to it. crank it up and rip off the nobody. i want to go home. >> i get that. that's that's the -- >> steve: what is on that first? >> woody allen said this was his

second favorite organ. we have to keep that part in mind, too. >> stephen: well, you can already hook up cables to the other one. [laughter] thank you so much. dr. francis collins. [cheers and applause] director of the national institutes of health. we'll be right back. won't we? [cheers and applause]