captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. wait, wait, wait. remember earlier in the program we saw the great al madrigal. and i bet you were thinking i like the cut of that man's jib. i'd like to see more of that guy. it turns out you're in luck. almadigal's special is on comedy central friday night at 11:00. if you have not seen his standup, i feel very sorry for you. very good. here it is your moment of zen. >> i'm sitting here analyzing that tie you have and trying to figure out if i could mix paint, a permanent rose, and maybe a company of white, and on the other side maybe a

captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome tote report, everybody. thank you for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, so much. please, heroes, all. sit down. ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here tonight. it's always a pleasure to bring you the truth right down the truth hole. nation, for years i have admired "o," the oprah book clib. and while lady "o" and i are very close, we're also competitors. we're not in show friendship. we're in show business. that's why tonight i am proud to introduce the start of my own book club, c-oh-lbert book club. ( cheers and applause ) it is going to be a literary phenomena of narrative deconstruction and symbolic analysis, plus together, we will discover how many copies of the book you'll need to level your

kitchen table. ( laughter ). and our very first book is can n this "thegreat gatsby" by f. sct fitzgerald. folks, we're readying it for all the right reasons-- because there's a movie of it coming out. this way at the premiere on may 10, we can smugly turn to our friends and say, "the book was better." though i have to say i'm pretty sure the movie is going to be amazing. it's in 3d. that's right! it feels like the themes of longing and alienation are in your pipes. plus, a soundtrack by jay-z, just like f. scott fit-zee would have wanted. now, sure, the "the great gatsby" here is already considered to be an american classic, but nothing is an american classic until i say it is. which is why i'm calling on you,

those few lit ramembers of the colbert nation, to pick thup book and-- this is where it gets tricky-- read the words inside of it, okay? ( laughter ) you have two weeks to finish it, nation. because on may 9, pulitzer prize-winning novelist jennifer egan willed lead the book club's discussion and the director of the movie, baz luhrman, will be here in 3d. ( laughter ) together, together-- ( cheers and applause ) we will decide what it's gerald really meant when he say, "so we beat oboats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." it's the name of his childhood sled. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i've always said that crayons are a lot like people-- they may come in different colors, but inside, they're all the same flavor.

( laughter ) and we would not have crayons if it were not for the crayola company of eastern pennsylvania, which is in the subject of the 68th installment of my 434-part series "better know a district." tonight, the fightin' 17th. the 17th is home to the oldest brewery in the united states, yuengling, whose name is anang lisized version of the german word jungling, which means young boy. but if you're ever in a bar and they offer you a young boy, please alert authorities immediately. ( laughter ). ( applause ) now the 17th was once home to papa bear bill o'reilly who cut his teeth as a reporter for nepwills-barry-scronton. it is there where he tested out the no spin zone, the stay still

spot and lack of rotation area. and just who has the scrap toll represent this corner of pennsylvania, it's none other than first term congressman matt cartwright. i sat down with representative cartwright somewhere in the northern hemisphere. congressman thank you so much for talking to me today. >> my pleasure. i've been a big fan, stephen. >> stephen: well, the feeling is mutual? >> thank you. >> stephen: i mean about me. >> you're a big fan of yourself. >> stephen: i am. >> you should be. >> stephen: thank you very much, thank you. i think we might be done. we have some other questions, okay. my apologies. i got what i needed. ( laughter ). okay, i still have to ask some questions. congressman, tell me about the fightin' 17th. >> well, the fightin' 17th is the new district in northeastern pennsylvania. it's composed of scranton,

wilkes-barre. >> the crayola company is in your district, right? >> right, that's down in easton. >> stephen: how do you feel about recent plans to rename the white crayon republican? >> i do not agree with that. >> stephen: do not agree with that. ( laughter ). now, when it comes to immigration, you say you'd like to turn undoimented workers into taxpayers. >> i think i agree with the president's approach that we have to have a tough but fair process to, the path to citizenship. >> stephen: let's call it amnesty, sham-nesty as i call it. >> i think the president's approach is the right one. we're not about to deport 11 million people in this country. they're doing jobs that nobody else wants to do. >> stephen: like what? >> like transient farm working jobs. >> i don't care what sex they

are as long as they pick our vegetables. >> transient farm workers are people who move from one place to the next. >> stephen: right, because no one wants a transient. i believe you should be able to pick vegetables. >> transient farm workers don't have anything to do with the-- with transgender people. >> stephen: another my apologies. my apologies to mexicans. ( laughter ) speaking of which, the hispanic vote was key to the democratic victory in 2012, true? >> i think so. >> stephen: how did you pander to those voters? ( laughter ) in espanol? >> i'm afraid my span sish quite poor. >> stephen: let me help you out to appeal to fannish voters just repeat after me. i carumba. just say, hey, you guys. eye carumba. >> icarumba.

>> salir. >> sal ir. >> stephen: me barrio. >mebarrio. >> stephen: republicans would never say that to you because they do not speak spanish? ( laughter ) now, a fellow roman catholic? >> yes. >> up here, right up here. boom. one true bride of christ, right? >> sure you. >> stephen: can't say that when protestants are around. it's so sad they're going to hell and we're not, isn't it? i'll miss them. there are some good ones. >> there are a lot of good ones. >> stephen: yup. i salute you for putting the teachings of the church above politics. so few democrats are willing to do that. does it cause trouble with the rest of the democrat thalz you oppose birth control and are opposed to homosexual marriage? >> i am a supporter of marriage

ecommonwealth. >> stephen: i believe all marriages should be equal. every legitimate marriage should, that's a man and a woman. no one's marriage is better than others. mine is-- mine is actually better, but legally, no one's marriage should be better than others as long as it is a legitimate marriage. >> i don't think anybody's marriage is better than mine. my wife, marion, and i have been together for 27 years. and we both support marriage equality for the l.g.b.t. population. there's no reason to discriminate. >> stephen: the who? what's the l.g.b.t.? >> lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. >> so you want lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and those transients who pick my vegetables. gay people can't have children. the purpose of marriage is to have children. gay people can't have children. you know how it works, right? you be how babies are made? ( laughter ) >> then you're saying that people -- >> stephen: i have to get to

the first question. you know how babies are made. i just want to make sure we're on the same pag. >> i'm aware of how babies are made. >> stephen: and you know gay people don't do that not much of an argument when st. peter judges you at the gates upon heaven. "hey, you were against the law of god." what! ( laughter ) let's move on. do you remember several caucuses, including the congressional black caucus, true? >> i don't think i am in that one. >> stephen: you're not in the congressional black caucus? >> i don't think i am. >> stephen: it says here are you-- oh, i'm sorry, the bike caucus. i didn't know they rode bikes. anyway, okay. ( laughter ). oh, this is embarrassing. i never learned to ride a bike. >> oooh!

>> stephen: never learned. do you know how to ride a bike? >> sure. >> stephen: would you be willing to teach me? >> i could do that. >> stephen: really? ( laughter ) >> all right, let's go. >> stephen: let's go, okay, okay. >> are you ready? >> stephen: i got it, i got it, i got it. i'm doing it! i'm doing it! ( cheers and applause ) i did it. i did it. let's put pennsylvania 17th up on the big board! ( cheers and applause ) i hope that district just twinkled or i think i've got a

concussion. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

everybody. thanks so much. folks, i have to tell you, tonight i'm in a great mood because i am furious. it has been less than a week since i-- well, we nabbed

alleged boston bomber dzhokar tsarnaev. am i pronouncing that correctly? >> the "d" is silent. >> thank you d-django. the f.b.i. and the boston police did a her oak job catching the chechen terrorist after he tried to escape on a landlocked boat. ( laughter ). but now our secret chechen president has screwed the whole thing up. >> dzhokar tsarnaev has told f.b.i. agents about his role in the bombings but was we've just learned he did so before being advised of his moosh rights. >> investigators say the surviving bomb suspect has now stopped talking to them after he was read his miranda rights. >> stephen: no! why did we read him his miranda rights? if anything we should have read him his samantha rights. you give him three cosmos, and, girlfriend, he starts to dish.

now, now he knows he has the right to remain silent, and things were going so well. right, "fox & friends"? >> turns out the bombing suspect in boston was singing like a canary until the judge showed up. and read him his rights. >> so before he was read his rights, he apparently was singing like a canary. >> turns out the boston bombing suspect was singing like a canary until the judge showed up. >> turns out the boston bombing suspect was singing like a canary until the judge showed up. >> they were talking to him and he was singing like a canary. >> stephen: yeah, he was singing like a canary. swinging like a pig. dropping a dime like a dirty root rat. a steel, everything was jake we were about to send him to the big house, the slaerm, its gray bar hotel. it was all-- it was all eggs and coves until the chief got hirchgy and gave us a double-cross, the runaround, the high hoot.

that's what's eating me, see? i should fix his cagon. thank you, "fox & friends," for the hot scoop. you done good, and the big boss is real happy because sometimes you get the word out about a guy singing like a canary you got to repeat those talking points like a parakeet. we'll be right back. ,x0d

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest soant is the first openly gay. >> pesk pal bishop which i believe means he can only move diagonally. please welcome bishop gene robib robinson. >> your excellency, thanks so much for coming on. all right, for the people who don't know out there, you were elected bishop of the. >> pisepiscopal diocese of new hampshire, and this caused a bit of a stir because you were the first openly gay man in the episcopal church. you have a book called, "god believes in love: straight talk about gay marriage."

i have been wanting to have you on for years, as you know, because i am a roman catholic. and your church, the anglican, you know, came from a rejection of central authority. and when you became a bishop, some of the episcopalians snapped off and tried to become anglican again so they'd have a central authority to tell you, you were wrong. ( laughter ). that's delicious. ( laughter ) ( applause ) what did you think-- what did you think when that happened? >> you know, the church at its best -- >> stephen: you mean the catholic church. >> i'm talking about the church, capital c. >> stephen: you are a church, but go ahead. >> want wants to welcome all ofs children. and we had this disagreement about some of god's children who were not welcome, and the episcopal church means to welcome everyone. and those who couldn't quite stomach that left.

and we're feeling like we're following god's call. >> stephen: that's one of the beefs i have with your church is you-- there's a sign on the edge of town that says, "the episcopal church welcomes you." >> and it has no asterisk with exceptions? >> stephen: no it, doesn't. that's one thing i don't get it about-- it doesn't seem exclusive that way. you know, it doesn't seem that coolave club if anybody could be part of it,un what i mean? you. >> the interesting thing is jesus just wasn't that cool. jesus was always talking to the marginalized, those put down by society. he spent all of his time working with them, loving them in waitz they had never been loved before. that's what we want to try to be. >> stephen: another but jesus also says-- ( cheers and applause ) i mean, obviously, you've played the jesus card, which, of course, is a crowd pleaser. >> it's a great card! >> stephen: it is a great card but i can play the jesus card, too, because jesus says i

have not come to eliminate a single law, and one of the laws was a man shall not lay with another man, and it's an abomination and should be put to death. was god having a bad day? was that a brain fart? why did he put that down there? >> the people who wrote that were having a bad gay dayin perceiving god's will, and over time it seems to me we perceive god's will better and better. and one of the things that's so exciting to be alive right now is we're asking did the church-- did the synagogue get it wrong about gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people? i think the answer is yes. ( applause ) >> stephen: let's talk a little straight talk about gay marriage here, okay? ( laughter ) >> you're straight, right? >> stephen: as straight as they come, baby doll. i love the ladies. ( laughter ). now, here's my problem. this is where i think we got in trouble, okay.

we made being gay legal. all right, and once it's legal, you can't keep them from getting married. once you accept gay as being left-handed, you know, you can't keep left-- you can't keep left-handed people from getting married, as much as we would like to. right? >> and that's great, right? >> stephen: is it ray choice? that's my question. is it like being left handed, being gay? >> it's a lot like being left-handed. that is to say-- it's probably some combination of genetic gend behavioral stuff, but the point of the matter is, by three years old, sexual orientation is set. so it's not a choice in any reasonable sense of the word. and -- >> stephen: is being episcopalian a choice? >> you know, it is one of the best choices in the history of the world. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, it's like-- it's like-- ( laughter ) it's like advanced placement religion. ( laughter ).

( applause ) it's for thinking people. >> stephen: as i said there was a schism in the episcopal clutch and some modidn't want to accept gay or lesbian bishops or female bishops tried to join with the anglican church in africa, actually. now that you've been a basque bp for how many years-- >> 10 year. >> stephen: is it getting better, are they unschisming? are they schisming back or did they call no back? >> a lot are coming back and they would be welcome back any minute of any day, and it's going better with the africans. their context is tow different than ourselves. you know, if you come out as gay there you can be arrested and in some places put to death. you're not going to get the numbers of people like we have in america who has come out. everybody now knows someone gay. when you talk about this issue a face comes up or a relationship

comes up. and you're just not willing to believe the awful thins said about us. >> stephen: i hope you haven't thought i said any awful things about you tonight other than you're part of a heretical religion that will get you sent to hell, but that's just in my manual. >> and proud of it. >> stephen: okay. well, thank you, bishop. thank you so much for joining me. reserve gene robinson. the book is "god believes in love." úzw#nzku

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's if for the respect, everybody. before we go, i would like to welcome a new member of the colbert nation, sawyer matheson, the baby son of one of my