>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> stephen: tonight, a new oppressed minority in america. has science discovered even gayer people? then a look inside our prison system. turns out it's not as much fun as oz made it out to be. and my guest punk pioneer iggy pop is here with the stooges. i look forward to the day when iggy pop reunites with snap and crackle. a wisconsin woman called police after seeing kittens having sex in her yard. quick!

no one show her the internet! this is the colbert report. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome to the... >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. good to have you with us. please, sit down. may i offer a hearty shalom to certain members of my audience tonight.

nation, the day i have long warned you about has finally arrived. not the one where my death ray is completed. that is still six months out. and you are warned. no! it is a different day, and i warned you about it. >> jason collins has become the first openly gay athlete in pro sports. collins with the washington wizards. >> collins is the first active professional athlete in any of the four major sports to make that announcement while still a player. >> collins says, "i'm a 34-year-old nba center. i'm black and i'm gay." >> stephen: that's right. he came out as black and gay. even more shocking he came out as a player for the washington wizards. you've got to wonder how his parents took it. folks, this is my worst sports nightmare. i knew once we allowed major league soccer, it would turn all

the other sports gay. and now that it's possible that a pro athlete could be gay, how can i relate to them? suddenly it's like a seven foot tall world class athlete and i have nothing in common. now, when i hoop it up with my basket-bros, i can't use expressions like "take it to the hole" or "jamming the rim" or "hey, let's touch each other's penises." which of course is just street slang for setting a pick. the point is gay sports do not make any sense just like gay marriage doesn't make any sense. because marriage is for making babies. and so is basketball. just ask the thousands of wilt chamberlain's children. i mean the whole game is a metaphor for pro-creation. the ball is the sperm. the hoop is the egg. and the shot clock is her ovulation cycle.

fellows, that's why you always want to get off your shot in the first 24 seconds. i just hope homosexuals don't get their hands on any other of my favorite sports like figure skating or women's golf. and nation, you know, it's not just sports. look around. we're living in the final days of straight america. gays are serving openly in our military and the supreme court could very well overturn doma and just this morning my shower head broke forcing me to take a delightful bubble bath. coincidence? no. lavender. and america is is not alone, folks. the gay rights bandwagon is sweeping the zone. >> new zealand became the 13th country in the world today to legalize same sex marriage. >> stephen: great. new zealand's got same sex marriage. now nine guys camping in the woods obsessed with jewelry seems kind of gay.

( cheers and applause ). and i am not the only one who is upset. >> you can caricature cristian teaching and call it bigotry, and that's reasonable speech on the left these days. >> if you support traditional marriage, you're a bigot. >> if i say i support traditional marriage, i'm automatically called a bigot. i'm called a homophobe. >> stephen: yes, they're calling us hateful names like bigot and homophobe when we're just helpfully pointing out that they are deviant abominations who are going to hell. there's no need to get personal. and denying gay marriage is at the heart of my faith, folks. sure, jesus never mentioned homosexuality in the new testament but that just shows how much he disapproved of it. he was giving the gays the old silent treatment. and folks, let's not kid ourselves. we know where this is leading. >> remember when the jews in

nazi germany had to wear a yellow star of david on their sleeve. we're get to go the point where these homo fascists are going to force us to wear on our sleeve some kind of identifying marker. >> stephen: yes. soon cristians will be forced to wear some kind of symbol so everyone can see who we are. oh, my god! it's happening already. fortunately we cristians don't have to sit idly by while the gays shove their love in our face and that brings us to tonight's word. ( cheers and applause ). we shall undermine. folks, gay marriage proponents love to compare their struggle to the civil rights movement. thankfully, conservative stalwart and man who wishes kenny g would turn down that rock music, pat buchanan, recently shot that comparison down writing, "when martin luther king called on the nation to live up to the meaning of its creed, he heard an echo from a thousand pulpits.

treating black folks decently was consistent with what cristians had been taught. dr. king was pushing against an open door. exactly. m.l.k. had it easy. that mountain top he went to probably had a chair lift. the man loved hitting the slopes. but these gay activists will not get the same kind of support king got from conservative cristians. as pat writes, "if the gay rights agenda is imposed, we could have priests and pastors preaching not acceptance but principled rejection, a public rejection of the new laws by millions and a refusal by many to respect or obey them. a new era of civil disobedience may be at hand. amen, brother, a new era of civil disobedience. they may legalize gay marriage but i refuse to fall in love and mary another man in a fabulous destination wedding in corsica on the beach, everyone wearing cream-colored linen, no

shoes,ality sunset with a steel drum band. i won't do it. i will not do it. our struggle will not be easy, my straight brothers and sisters. but take comfort in the words of mahatma gandhi -- the gandhi of civil disobedience -- who said, "first they ignore you. then they ridicule you. then they fight you. and then you win." also two dudes getting hitched? yeesh. i have lost my appetite. but, nation, religious leaders imposing their beliefs on public policy is not enough. no, we need to take personal action. just as the little rock nine marched into that school, so too must we march into brian and roger's wedding and chain ourselves to the champagne fountain. and when you r.s.v.p., which of

course you'll do because it will be a fun wedding, check the box for chicken. but when you arrive, ask for the salmon. it will throw catering into chaos. then when they least expect it, sidle up to the d.j. and request a one-hour block of phish. the point is, if conservatives are going to refuse to accept gay marriage, we need to protest as if we were a marginalized and condemned minority. because if we keep pretending, we can deny gay people the right to marry, we will be. and that's the word. we'll be right back.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much, folks. nation, i'm a huge fan of yelp, the on-line social media review site for local businesses. it combines the critical palette of the zagats with not having anything better to do. but yelp isn't just for finding reviews of restaurants anymore. >> it's the website to go to when you're looking for a five star restaurant. you know it. you can now check out yelp if you plan on going to jail. lawyers, prison inmates and their families have started posting reviews of the nation's correctional facilities on yelp.

they rate everything from prison food to allegations of abuse. >> you're kidding. stephen: that's right. they are now reviewing prisons on yelp. although you do get your standard restaurant gripes like service took forever. was there for 25 years. check out this actual four star review of the arlington county detention facility by windi l. quote, at no time did the officer violate any of my constitutional privileges and even gave me a juice box after i said i was thirsty. yes, you heard right. they have juice boxes. ( cheers and applause ). well, of course they have juice boxes. you can't risk someone calling for the kool aid man. >> oh, yeah. stephen: i believe that is the original ending of the shawshank redemption. but, folks, mostly i'm loving this because i'm always looking

out for my viewers. and i know that a large segment of my audience is violent criminals. and with the new colbert i-phone app, i'm sure many of you are watching this while leading police on a high-speed chase. first off, be safe. put down the phone. put your hands at 10 and 2 while you careen through traffic at 130 miles an hour. and if you're still listening, okay, a little research on yelp. okay. i've done some. you'll want to stay away from getting arrested in queens because a user named dave c had a scathing review of the queens central booking unit writing nonworking toilets, overcrowded rooms and a general aura of failure. this place sucks donkey balls. ( cheers and applause ). and if you think that's bad, wait until you meet donkey.

so criminals on the run, your best bet is to drive south to juice box country where once again windi l writes, quote, if you're going to get arrested, do it in arlington county. i think arlington tourism just found its new slogan. but incarceration nation, according to yelp, there's one prison you should surely avoid. listen to this awful feedback. a dangerous, crowded, cramped situation. i almost passed out from the heat. don't bring guns. there's a sensitive metal detector. and you will sit outside in a dark holding pin that feels like a dungeon. ugh! that sounds horrible. what is it? the colbert report.

( cheers and applause ). well, that is hardly fair. my show is nothing like prison. i mean, 80% of these people have not been shived. we'll be right back. ,x=pdhdhdh24m;d)!<

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is known as the godfather of punk.

fine. as long as someone is raising it in a religious household. please welcome iggy pop. ( cheers and applause ). iggy, hey, thanks so much for coming on. good to see you. all right, mr. pop. as i said known as the godfather of punk. you and the stooges were known in the '60s and '70s for your music and your rambunctious behavior. search-and-destroy. i want to be your dog. you're in the rock'n'roll haul of fame. now you have a new album called ready to die. >> that's all true. stephen: that's all true. okay. when you started your music, there was no word called punk. you weren't trying to be a punk band. you just had a band. what were you trying to do? >> trying to be free. you know, high school was like college was like military was like vaudeville was like being locked up was like everything was just going to be more of the

endless same. we didn't want to obey. we wanted to just... >> stephen: sounds like you were causing trouble. >> yeah. stephen: you look like trouble. you look like trouble. >> a lot of people felt that way. >> stephen: i don't think anybody wants to hear, "mom, dad, this is iggy. we're in love." you know, you look like trouble. >> i was 19 i got my first mug shot. >> stephen: what did you do? what were you doing? >> well, i fell asleep at the wheel. >> stephen: it apparently has a happy ending. >> it worked out. stephen: for everybody or just you? >> it wasn't my car. i drove it. it went off an embankment into a christmas tree orchard. and it actually... >> stephen: you hate santa. there were all these little fine needles covering the whole car the next morning. the owner was upset. >> stephen: you were a detroit

rocker at first, right? >> yeah. stephen: how come i don't hear that motown sound like the supremes, you know, that rich kind of tight harmonies, synchronized dancing? >> that stuff is great but i'm just a simple kid. i didn't know how. i did what i could. >> stephen: when did you start taking off... first of all, thank you for wearing almost a shirt tonight. ( cheers and applause ). thank you. why did you first start taking off your shirt in performance. >> the pharaoh never wore a shirt. >> stephen: i'm sorry. the pharaoh of egypt never wore a shirt. >> stephen: yeah. he also wore like a skirt. . well, yeah. i wore skirts from time to time. >> stephen: did you? arongs. tephen: sarongs. i'm not into that. >> or little underwear. stephen: when you perform at

this point, could you wear a shirt or would your body reject it like a bad organ? >> it rejects it. i try. i think about it. and then it just rejects it. it's true. >> stephen: who do you... you say you're in the rock'n'roll hall of fame. who did you look up to as amuseical mentor because they say the beatles wanted to sound like the beach boys for a while and the who wanted to sound like the beatles. who was that for you? >> there was a guy named link ray when i was in the student union one day. i was in the student union of this major university and i heard this music (demonstrating music) and it was called rumble. and it sounded bad. >> stephen: you wanted to sound bad? >> i left school emotionally at that moment. the moment i heard rumble. >> stephen: do you think you achieved it? do you think you achieved what you wanted to be or are you presently still achieving what you wanted to be? >> i achieved it some time ago

and then i had to pay a big price sort of like prison or something. >> stephen: like prison or prison? >> like prison. stephen: like prison. okay. will you come back and just after the commercial break and show us how you achieved it? >> i would love to do it. stephen: iggy, thank you so much. we'll be right back with a performance by iggy and the stooges.

>> stephen: here to perform a song after their new album, ready to die, ladies and gentlemen, iggy and the stooges. ( cheers and applause ). ♪ ♪ i'm just a guy with a rock star attitude ♪ ♪ i got to beliefs and i got no gratitude ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ i got a job, i got a job ♪ i got a job and i'm sick of it ♪ ♪ i'm just a guy with a rushed out attitude ♪ i've got no belief and i got no gratitude ♪ ♪ i don't want to talk to my coworkers ♪

♪ i think they're a bunch of dumb crowd junkers ♪ ♪ i got a job, i got a job ♪ i got a job ♪ i got a job ♪ i got a job. sing along. ♪ i got a job, i got a job ♪eeg ♪ i got a job

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: iggy and the stooges, ready to die. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: iggy and the mac: so how many restraining orders does the waitress have on you? charlie: oh, a lot, dude. i mean, she's been irritated with me, and she's, like, "you got me fired from the oldies rock cafe. you're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop." this is incredible. you got to listen to this message. come here. seriously, this chick is so in love with me it's crazy. hi, dennis, it's caylee. i was just calling to let you know that i hope you die! you are obviously a terrible person with no regard for anyone but yourself. i never ever want to see you again, go to hell! bro, that's amazing. that's-- that's the best one yet. it's a really good one, isn't it? what are you talking about? she hates your guts.