>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. former senator kay bailey hutchinson will be here to discuss her role in iron man 3. here it is your moment of zen. >> now you can get your deadly jolt -- deadly. you can now get your daily dose captioning sponsored by comedy central captione

crisis. move america below mexico so they all run into canada. plus innovation in beer. get ready for bud light without lime. and my guests tonight are the makers of the new photo messaging app snapchat. it's going to revolutionize the way i send myself selfies. a new study says fish use sign language. maybe now i can figure out what all that flopping around on the bottom of my boat means. this is the colbert report. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: hey, welcome to the

report. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. for all the ships at sea, nation, you know, folks, if you watch the news as closely as i do, you know the sequester budget cuts are here. the unemployed have seen smaller benefit checks, some cancer patients have gone without treatment, and lines at new york's laguardia airport now start at chicago's o'hare. tough medicine. but conservatives like me know that in a budget crisis, everything nonessential has to go -- whether it's food for kids who aren't mine or some other stuff for people i don't know. but there are some things that government spends money on that are worth -- stay with me --

spending money -- stay with me -- on. and, as usual, those things are tanks. they are so important that we need them even when we don't need them. >> congress appropriated $255 million to upgrade the army's m1 abrams tank but here's the thing. the pentagon wants to halt production on these tanks. >> military generals say we don't need that tank or that bomber. congress says yeah you do. >> lawmakers from both parties have devoted the tax payer money for the last two years on improving the abrams tank but general ray odierno, the army's chief of staff, said if he had a choice he'd use the money in a different way. >> stephen: i am shocked to hear that from general odierno who i believe is part tank on his father's side. well, ladies and gentlemen, the tanks are going to roll and it's

all tanks... (laughing) -- to... thank you. and all it's "tanks" to ohio's senator rob portman and congressman jim jordan. it's a brave stance for these fiscal conservatives. congressman jordan who represents lima ohio where the tanks are manufactured defended the cost saying, quote, the one area where we are supposed to spend tax payer money is in defense of the country. the other area, you know, his district. and if the army doesn't really want them, that's fine. these two have voted to cut funding to all kinds of services and the tanks can help fill the gaps. for instance, meals on wheels got hit by the sequester. let's replace it with breads on treads. ( cheers and applause ). i mean, one of these tanks can

barrage the elderly with sticky buns from three miles away. and we may not be able to pay for cancer patients' medicine anymore, but we can offer them one last bad-ass day of adventure. and it's not just the social services. i mean in the military the blue angels' budget has been splashed but it will be just as exciting to watch the gray tankles. oh, they're making another square. the best part is we won't have to shut down the tank plant in lima, ohio. and that will save jobs. well, two of them. ( applause ) folks, one reason... one reason for our... huge, huge tank fans here tonight. of course, one reason our budgetary crisis is here is that our nation is being overwhelmed by illegal immigrants.

it is a huge problem. or to use their native tongue, a sabado gigante. and it's compounding another rapidly growing problem: spiraling health care costs. because -- and i did not know this -- undocumented workers get sick just like normal people. and then when they have to go to the hospital, who is going to pay for that? the government can't. the hospital can't. and it's hard to go around the corner for a lottery ticket when you have a catheter in. fortunately, america's hospitals have found a way to take the bull by the haif owes. and it's the subject of tonight's word: medical leave. ( cheers and applause ) nation, when it comes to health care, i believe in the old saying, "a hospital is no place to be sick."

especially, especially if you're an undocumented worker in iowa. >> imagine getting into a car crash in rural iowa and waking up from a coma in coastal mexico. it happened to jacinto cruz and jose rodriguez-soldana, two undocumented workers seriously injured in a wreck. the des moines hospital sent them off on a private jet to their hometown in vera cruz. iowa methodist medical center effectively deported two comatose patients with no government involvement. >> stephen: well, deported is such a harsh word. the hospital simply moved them to the intensive "we don't care" unit. ( cheers and applause ) this process is called medical repatriation. and it's the perfect answer. it's totally unregulated. so hospitals avoid all the red tape usually involved in shipping the unconscious.

and don't worry. these deportations are 100% consensual. you see, according to a patients rights lawyer, in cases where the patient is unconscious or can't communicate, relatives are told their loved one wants to return. yes, they're unconscious but doctors have ways of knowing this stuff. now naturally, medical repatriation has the bleeding-heart labor lovers out there saying the practice violates u.s. and international laws and unfairly targets one of the nation's most defenseless populations. unfairly targets? i wish somebody would unfairly target me with a free ride on a private jet. i mean, that's the high life. in fact, the next time... cheers ( cheers and applause ) in fact, the next time i have a couple of weeks off i'm going to

go straight to the emergency room, tell the admitting nurse that i'm an illegal alien who was born in the playa fiesta beach club and hotel in puerta vallarta and then bash my myself in the skull with a hammer. when i wake up, i'll have bed sores in paradise. unfortunately, folks, not all illegal immigrants are in comas. now there's an obvious fix for that. but i'm not telling you to get in your car and mow down everyone you suspect of being on team shakira. and we can use this concept of just shipping off our health care expenses on other things. for instance, the things we're already using it on. >> shocking allegations into patient dumping. las vegas health officials are accused tonight of shipping psychiatric patients with a one-way ticket on greyhound buses to los angeles, san

francisco and other california cities. >> stephen: hey, what happens in vegas, stays in vegas. unless what happens is psychosis. now, folks, one psychiatric hospital, one hospital is accused of shipping more than 1500 patients all over the country. but they're not just abandoning them. as one patient sent to sacramento explained he was given a three-day supply of medication and told to call 911 when he arrived. we could save even more money if we gave them a three-day supply of raisinets and told them to call moviefone. of course, some cities might not like having psychiatric patients dumped on their doorstep. easy fix: don't let them off the bus. we'll have a nationwide rotating caravan of buses filled with the mentally ill.

( cheers and applause ) folks, i think this "out of sight out of mind" strategy can save money on all our social problems. let's end poverty by flying the poor to sub saharan africa. or we could strap the elderly to rockets and shoot them into space. or maybe we could send the unemployed some place i'll never come back from. because in america we don't turn a blind eye to the needs of our fellow man. so we need to send them some place where we can't see them at all. and that's the word. we'll be right back. -x,x,yye,x o$,v1

>> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, you know, they say you are what you eat. so i guess that makes me constantly. this is thought for food. folks, i have long guarded the border of the american mouth scape, a.k.a., the freedom hole. for instance, when salsa outsold the classic american condiment ketchup, i tried to ring the salsa alarm but i missed and hit the taco bell.

and they just gave me more salsa. well, folks, this invasion of the body snackers just got worse. >> with more americans trying to eat healthy, hummus is getting more and more popular. >> yeah, hummus has long been a staple of middle eastern cuisine. demand for it is really rising as americans seek more healthy snacks and spreads. the wall street journal says the food segment which includes hummus total $530 million at u.s. food retailers last year. >> stephen: that's right. hummus! the delicious middle eastern appetizer. i've warned you about creeping sharia, nation. now we have spreadable sharia. and it's made with chick peas, the legume of doom. known by many names: sanagalu, chana, the bengal gram or down

mexico way, garbanzo. ( cheers and applause ) it's come up over our porous southern border in league with al pita to steal american snack jobs once held by onion dip and your finger. not on my watch beings folks. stay vigilant. next up, folks, i don't want to brag. but i have friends. and not just my commuting buddy car pool carl. he saves me a ton on tolls and always lets me pick the tunes. but making new friends is tough. for one thing, i'm totally uninterested in what anybody else has to say. and i meet so few people who share that interest. fortunately, there's a great new way to make friends. and like all the best ways, it involves alcohol.

>> when two people clicked their cups they became friends. each person that entered a buddy vent would connect their facebook profile with the cups chip. so they just did the same as always. went out drinking bud and making new friends. buddy cups. the more buds, more friends. >> stephen: that's right. the buddy cup or as it will soon be known at bars everywhere, the stalker stein. ( cheers and applause ) now, i've always suspected... i've always suspected that the answer to my loneliness was at the bottom of a beer glass. turns out i was right. these cups are wonderful, folks. just picture this. it's 2:00 a.m you're 12 pints deep propping yourself up on a pool cue screaming along with some stranger to chumbawumba. and you're just one cup clink away from a lifetime relationship with a man whose face you are otherwise too drunk

to recall. you know, friendship. so, bravo! budweiser for pushing the envelope in beer delivery systems. it's about time you responded to coors' ingenius can that harnesses advanced thermo dynamics to alert you when your beer is cold. before that, you had to rely on thermal contact nodes or in layman's terms, your fingers. ( cheers and applause ) i look forward to more technological innovations that uphold the proud american tradition of putting far more effort into the container than the beer it holds. we'll be right back. ,x=pdhdhdh24m;d)!<

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. my guest tonight designed an app that will share photos but only for ten seconds. just in time for anthony weaner's comeback. please welcome evan spiegel and bobby murphy. ( cheers and applause ) evan, bobby. did i get it right? >> you did stephen: boom. all right. okay, guys. you created something called snapchat. and tell the folks what is unique about snapchat. >> well, snapchat is a photo and

video messaging application for i-phone and android. the kicker is that the photos disappear in an effort to keep the communication very natural and human >> stephen: i understand the term keeper. that's internet lingo. i am down with all the social networking buzz word dot-biz. okay? okay. so, this allows... the photos disappear after ten seconds, right? >> right. you can always take a screen shot. >> stephen: okay. why would you want to include the option for the photo to disappear? what are the users of snapchat ashamed of? why would i ever want a picture of this to disappear? >> well, i think you may be the exception. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's embracing shame. you're embracing shame with this product. >> i think the idea is to change the notion of what a photograph

is and use it as a means of communication. and just recognizing that photos and videos are extremely suppressive. you have a camera on your smart phone always with you. why not use that as a way to communicate with friends and family >> stephen: but you can do that. the disappearing aspect is an effort to kind of bring the service back to normal human communication which is ephemeral and transient. >> stephen: right. like what we're doing right now. >> exactly. stephen: okay. you know, we're just talking to each other and relating. we're having an emotional experience, you know. i can smell you. or whatever. >> you smell great. you're young. >> stephen: and we could lose these cameras and that would be human experience. >> totally stephen: so this is more like that? >> yes, more like that. and it allows you to do that with people who are outside the room or across the world miles away

>> stephen: okay. you know, is this a sext-ing app? ( cheers and applause ) >> you can always take a screen shot and you can always take a picture with another camera so it's not a great way to send inappropriate photos >> stephen: is there a better way to send inappropriate photos because i don't think of one. i can't think of a better way to send inappropriate photos than this one because no other service even allows this. is there anything on your server of a photo? isn't it some place? >> not after it's gone stephen: but it has to be sent through different servers to get to me. how do all those iterations get deleted? >> you go through and delete them. >> a piece of code baitsically. stephen: a piece of code follows it along the way ten seconds after it and sweeps up after it.

really? >> really. stephen: it's a mop squad. that's fascinating. now what did you guys study in college? >> i was a mathematical and computational scientist. >> i was a product designer stephen: okay. is starting an app now in college like the old version of starting a band? everybody seems to be doing it. >> i think it is now. the trendy thing to do. >> stephen: which one of you is is the cute one? >> i don't know. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how many snapchats are going on day right now? >> over 150 million stephen: have you guys made a profit yet? or does that disappear after ten seconds too? >> we've got patient investors who are kind of with us to the

end. we're looking for ways to monetize in the medium- to long-term future >> stephen: can we try it before you go? i have a phone right here. why don't you send me one and i'll get it. okay? >> stephen: all right. got it. i got it. there you go. that is the funniest photo ever. and it's gone. guys, thanks so much. evan spiegel and bobby murphy. snapchat. we'll be right back. éxéxéx

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org charlie: now, keep in mind, we've been locked in this parking garage stairwell for like 20 minutes, dude. okay, so then we turn around and what do we see? a scary homeless dude. and i'm like, "oh, (bleep)!"