don't tell me who won the game. i am dvring it and going to watch it later. x over the mouth and old vhs tape. every time i get the text this means hurry up and get over here. the party is full of asians . if you need me, i will be in mcdonalds doing a bm. >> and three is an ass and the squickly is diarrhea and why we didn't use the [bleep] letter m. you sneak a phone in. and probably want to use this one. i am going to shank you in the yard to earn the respect of the cellos. you a knife. knife equal and then sombero hat with eyes and a mouse - on musstatch. that is a happy solo. that is my assistant.

i forgot to put my half eaten veggie burger away and now there are ants. can't talk the ghost out back . do your part to make these catch on good job. good job. good night. ♪ >> stephen: tonight, we've got a big problem with gitmo in that we're talking about gitmo in. ( laughter ) then the summer bloc busters. now hollywood can undermine our morals in 3d. and my guest ben kingsley is an accomplished actor despite being born with a debilitating accent. a man arrested for shooting at the white house said he was upset over u.s. marijuana laws. man, if only there were some way to mellow that guy out. ( laughter ) this is the the "colbert report" captioning sponsored by comedy central

( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report! thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: folks, please, folks, please, we've got to-- i love it. you love it. but i have got to get to the breaking news from 24 hours ago. ( laughter ) federal authorities have arrested three accompliced of alleged boston bomber joke-a-har tsarnaev. the accomplices are two kazakhstanis. dias ka-had... katy perry

and aza... hazmat tazmanian kayak. ( laughter ) damn you terrorists! with your weaponnized consonants. why can't you arev regular names like rick, or alan or ayman al-zawahiri. folks, these two, and an americaned named robel phillipos, are friends of dzhokar tsarnaev, who texted him after the f.b.i. released the photos of the bombers. >> investigators say one of the room mates texted dzhokar saying he looks like the suspect on television. dzhokar allegedly responds, l.o.l. >> stephen: which, i believe proved he's a radical islamist. because we all know l.o.l. is short for lulululululu. ( applause ) . ( cheers ) now after that the three suspects aware that the feds

were seeking their friend for bombing the marathon, raced to his apartment and urgently decided to watch a movie. ( laughter ) although, during interrogation they did not specify which one. but if it was john carter, they can be arrested for possession of a bomb. then-- true. it's true. it's true. it's a federal offense. then they did something that they might later regret. see if you can spot it. >> police say kadyrbayev decided to remove the backpack from the room in order to help his friend. >> the backpack with fireworks that had been emptied of their powder and a jar of vaseline. >> stephen: they had to ditch the backpack because the fireworks were incriminating, and the jar of vaseline is just embarrassing. ( laughter ) in fact, i want to change my guess as to what the movie was they were watching.

i'm going to go with "osama bin layin' 3: ji-hard-on." ( cheers and applause ). so, so what are we going to do with these idiots? the answer used to be easy-- i have no idea, so let's ship them to gitmo. but, sadly, gitmo is not the caribbean pick a body leave a body tray it used to be. >> more than half the detainees at the guantanamo prison are now on hunger strike. >> the hunger strikers are the anonymous people fromiemen and other countries who are not even deemed a threat anymore. they've never been charged. they are just sitting there and they're in utter despair. >> inmates are asking people around the world to pay attention to their plight. >> good try, but you won't get headlines about a hunger strike. case in point-- nobody talked about gawnda until he had the nip slip which is why i cannot

understand why barack obama gave them all this free publicity on tuesday. >> it is not a surprise to me that we have problems in guantanamo. when i was elected in 2008 i said we need to close guantanamo. it is expensive. it is inefficient. it is a recruitment tool for extremists. it needs to be closed. >> stephen: bold statement. almost as bold as the statement he made back in january when he closed the office of closing guantanamo. ( laughter ) now, he'll have to open the office of opening the office of closing guantanamo. ( laughter ) and he's already make, excuses for his future failures to close it. >> it's a hard case to make because, you know, i think for a lot of americans, the notion is out of sight, out of mind. >> stephen: what's wrong with out of sight, out of mind? it's like syphilis-- ignore it, and eventually is will destroy

the part of your brain that cares. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i don't. ( cheers ) but the point is, folks, the point is when it comes to gitmo, ignorance is bliss. here to debliss me is retired lieutenant commander in the judge advocate general corps, charles swift. mr. swift, thank you so much for joining me. ( cheers and applause ). sir, you were-- you were one of the lead attorneys for handan. and he was osama bin laden's driver. >> that's right. >> stephen: you guys got him off. >> he's home in yenl. he was acquitted. >> stephen: you got him off, you got him off upon you spruk him. you sprung a terrorist. good for you. >> actually, i like tong that due process worked and an innocent man was released after five years in captivity. >> stephen: we'll never know because he to the away. now, these guys are terrorists at gitmo. why do we care if they're on a

hunger strike? >> first off, we don't know that they're terrorists. >> stephen: yeah, because they haven't been charged with anything, and they shouldn't be because they might be innocent. them we'd have to let them go, and they could attack us for holding them without cause. ( laughter ) >> yeah, well, you know, under that logic, we can do away with the entire criminal justice system as a whole. >> stephen: all right. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i wouldn't go that far, but go ahead. >> well in the heart land of what we do as a nation is support and defend the constitution. we're dedicated as a country that is dedicated to the rule of law, and the idea of holding somebody without ever having a trial, calling them a terrorist but never giving them an opportunity to demonstrate their innocence is simply anti-american. >> stephen: okay, but, we-- we went through all of this years ago when gitmo was set up. we had all these arguments, you know, 10, 12 years ago.

these guys have been there for 12 years. they're almost ready to have their behind-bars mitzvah. we did all this, okay. we settled it. we settled that gitmo can exist and those people must be kept there. >> actually, we didn't settle any of that. >> stephen: i did. >> well, yes, congress in 2008 after having let president bush release 600 detainees without a single comment -- >> stephen: 16% of which went back to terror. >> actually, in the-- not 16%. it's closer to about 3% were actually involved in anything, unless you say that writing an op-ed is terrorizing. >> stephen: it is. >> okay. >> stephen: have you read the "new york times" opinion page? laugh okay. >> i see your point. >> stephen: okay, go ahead. >> the reason they're there isn't because of what they've done, because of the threat they pose, but because congress views them as a political football to kick around, which doesn't make

us safer. in the end-- and think about it this way. if you had a relative somewhere in the middle east and everyone had said they pose node threat to the country. they'd done nothing wrong, and we're going to rethese them, except the government has decided not to fund their release, would you be angry enough to bomb that country? >> stephen: i think we have bombed most of those countries already. well, thank you so much for joining me. lieutenant commander-- homeland on one second, sir. lieutenant commander charles swift. we'll be right back. ,x=pdhdhdh24m;d)!<

>> stephen: nation, i love movie trailers. you get all the boston part without getting bogged down by plot and character developments, but the movies themselves? they are destroying america ♪ ♪ summer movie edition. information, i've always been a huge fan of superman, an incredibly handsome, glasses-wearing reporter who night after night uses i had super powers to save america. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )

which is why i'm so angry about the next movie destroying america "man of steel." first of all, super man is the quintessential american hero yet they gave the part to some limey named henry calfle. just listen to him blow his own crumpet with wearing america's super wardrobe. >> the first time i had it all on with the cape, i delineately didn't look in the mirror as it was going on, because i wanted to have taturnaround moment. >> stephen: oh, you know that turnaround moment when you see your own reflection and you say, "oh, i am beautiful. i have the prettiest cape at the ball. i hope the prince picks me. bippidy bobbidy boo! ( cheers and applause ) nice try, clark earl of kent. do you brits even need caips?

you can just fly around with your magic umbrellas. ( laughter ) and, folks, just look at this trailer, and you will lose your lunch in a single bound. ♪ ♪ >> what does the "s" stand for? >> it's not ans"," in my world it means hope. >> stephen: this means hope. they're saying superman is obama. ( laughter ) think about it. they bowes rise from miswestern obscurity, become the most powerful man in the world, and if i'm not mistaken, krypton is the capital of kenya. speaking of "man of steel," "iron man 3". while i loved the first two "iron mans" and i love this one even more, i have a big problem with this film, folks. you see tgot finance, from the chinese studio d.m.g., and to

pay back their beijing puppetmasters the filmmakers made a chinese edition with bonus foot annual and an appearance by their top actress fan bingbing. folks, that makes meang-grrks y-gry. not only this, but to remove a negative chinese connotation for the bad guy, they changed his name from "the mandarin" to "man derin." why is the iron man fighting the husband from "bewitched." no sense. it makes no sense. when we return, i will sit down with the actor who plays the mandarin. sir ben kingsley. we'll be right back.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an oscar-winning actor who plays the mandarin in "iron man 3". >> mr. president, only two lessons remain. i intend to finish this before christmas morning. >> meet thomas richards. good strong name, good strong job. thomas here is an accountant for the roxon oil corporation, and

i'm sure he's a really good guy. i'm going to shoot him in the head. >> live on your television in 30 seconds. >> stephen: not if obama takes his gun away. ( laughter ) please welcome sir ben kingsley. ( cheers and applause ) hey! nice to meet you. thanks so much for coming. nice to have you. i'm a big fan. how are you? >> awesome. amazing. fantastic. spectacular. unbelievable. great. just amazing. fantastic. wow, amazing. amazing. full on wow. just great. just great. boys and girls i have to get this out of my system because i'm going back to the u.k. this evening, and in the u.k.-- ask me as an englishman how i am? >> stephen: how are you? >> all right. >> stephen: you play the

mandarin in this you seem to be good at playing the bad guys. you played lenin. you played gandhi, all of the serious heavies, you know. do you like playing a bad guy in this? >> what bad guy. >> stephen: the mandarin. he's a bad guy, right. he's the heavy. >> mr. colbert -- >> stephen: you can call me sir stephen. ( laughter ) >> let me give you-- you know, you're preempted. sir steven spielberg was knighted. he's an honorary knight. >> stephen: i was knighted by queen noor of jordan. >> that's wonderful. congratulations. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> and how are you referred to in jord? >> stephen: do you enjoy being a knight? >> let me go back to the previous question. >> stephen: i don't know if i'm going to let you. >> ah, well, okay. ( cheers and applause ) go back to your previous question there, benny. >> boys and girls, when you're

playing a villain, the last thing you're supposed to do is play him villancously. he has to have a sense of righteousness. his political message is he has to believe in his sense of right. >> stephen: you have to do this, right? >> no, no, i have too much jewelry to do that. i'd scrape all the skin off my hands fidid that. >> stephen: what is this guy the mapped rin. as i said, the chinese made him man derren. he seems vagueliation. maybe a little arab. is there any ethnicity we can overlay on ben kingsley? you played it all. >> i've never played a girl. >> stephen: really. >> that's not an ethnicity, i know. >> stephen: no. >> but i am-- i am-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) but i'm really-- i'm meeting you halfway here.

( laughter ) >> stephen: between man and woman? you're meet meeg halfway? >> however you wish to interpret it. >> stephen: like, when you did "gandhi." when i was a kid i loved that story. >> when were you a what? sorry. when i was a kid. a child. a very small child, when you were in "gandhi." >> are we making friends now? what endeared you, i'm curious, as a child, what endeared you? >> stephen: fashion, fashion. his homespun is what i liked about him. it was minimal. it was minimal-- >> when-- when he visited his majesty king george v, and he was asked, "did you think you were sufficiently dressed to meet his majesty." and he said, "his majesty had enough clothes on for both of us." not bad. >> stephen: that's nice. >> not bad. >> stephen: that's quick. >> not bad for a bad guy is

there no. but that was, like the last great epic that actually happened, like, when they shot it. when you spoke to 20,000 people in one of the scenes, there were 20,000 indians. >> there were 400,000 at gandhi's funeral. >> stephen: but today that would just be done with ping-pong balls glued to a green wall. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: in this movie did you ever act with another actual human being or was it all green screen? >> a lot of my broadcasts, mr. colbert, were to the camera and, therefore, they were broadcast to western civilization. >> stephen: i understand. so not real people? >> real people. over to you. but really, i did have some scenes with robert. and with bobby. no, robert. >> stephen: he asked me to call him bobby. i'm a good friend of his. >> that's fine. >> stephen: "call me bobby" he said.

he said, "i tell people to call me robert if we're professional acquaintances. bobby to his friend." were you knighted? were you honored to be part of an ancient tradition? or were you thinking, oh, my god. there's a 76-year-old woman holding a sharp blade next to my neck? >> that never crossed my mind? >> stephen: no? what do you have to do for it? do you do anything during the day? do you have to give a speech? is there a parade? is there lunch with the queen? what do you do when you get knighted. >> my knighthood was despoad upon me for my services for drama. >> stephen: i know why you deserve it. you're a great actor. >> i'm sorry, i misunderstood the question. >> stephen: i'm sorry, maybe i was-- >> it's a cultural thing. ( applause ). >> stephen: i'm going to go with you misunderstanding. ( laughter ) did you have to do anything that day. did you have to do anything in return? >> just so you know, just be

nervous. just have shaky legs. that's all. quite easy, really. >> stephen: well, i-- i've enjoyed our conversation. i feel like perhaps it was hostile at times. ( laughter ) >> i'm sorry. i apologize for my hostility. >> stephen: okay, and i accept. >> you're veryiaceous. >> stephen: thank you very much. you-- i-- read-- again, when i was just a tyke, i remember reading you talking about your own acting, and you said mainly-- like, what you first-- first it was you gotta learn your lines. is that really what you do first is learn your line? >> i study the script, yes, i do. >> stephen: because i've got a lot of words up there on the prompter right there. have you ever thought about that because i don't have to memorize asking because they just put stuff up there for me to say. >> when you're look at the monitor you can't look at your actors.

>> stephen: you said you did scenes into the camera. >> but i do have sceebz with boab. >> stephen: ben thank you so much for joining me. sir ben kingsley. sit down! can the ire. we'll be right back.