>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> a lot of focus claiming cops didn't do enough. i would suggest we take captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, how do you sell energy-efficient light bulbs to conservatives? try putting a trigger on it. then the newest trend in parenting. instead of the sex talk, just let them watch "game of thrones." and my guest, dr. richard besser is abc news' chief medical correspondent. i'll ask him how close we are to curing chronic stephanapolous. deadly giant snails have been found in houston. quick, saunter for your lives. this is the colbert report.

( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i've got to tell you, this, this, ladies and gentlemen, tonight right now these people in this room, i don't know where to begin. i don't know where to begin on how to thank these people.

tonight the people in this room are not just an audience. please, please, sit down. sit down. i almost can't control them. they're not an audience. they're a movement. and folks, thank you for that opening because i've got to tell you tonight i am angry. and for once that doesn't make me happy. and i think you know why. >> the scandal-tainted former south carolina governor mark sanford won back his old seat in congress tuesday. the sister of stephen colbert. >> stephen: my sister lost. how could this happen? i was so sure lulu had won because cnn called it for sanford. but the voters -- what can i say -- the voters of south carolina have spoken. mark sanford beat my sister, and i believe that means mark sanford is now my sister.

and on behalf of my entire family, i want to say we're deeply sorry about him. now i know how kevin manson must have felt. i mean, i feel so betrayed by south carolina. well, if they're going to turn their backs on my family, i'm turning my back on them. no, i am. from now on -- and i never thought i would ever say this -- i am from north carolina. no, i have to. i have to! i'm a tar heel now whatever the [bleep] that means. and as a north carolinan, i love our state bird, the cardinal. that's a stupid bird. but it's mine now and i love it as much as our state dog, the

plott hound. jesus, well, whatever. but most shockingly, i will no longer enjoy south carolina's tanky, savory, juicy and deeply delicious barbecue, made with our unique mustard-based sauce. now instead i now officially love north carolina sauceless vinegar-based meat product that they call barbecue. mmmm. i'll tell you what... ( cheers and applause ). i'm going to get me some. here we go. here we go.

for lulu. ( cheers and applause ). mmm. that is a... i'll tell you what. you know what? i might just leave the rest of that for later. okay. ( cheers and applause ). i can't do it. i can't do it. i love south carolina too much. and i love my sister. and i'm so proud of her. but i just don't get it. where did lulu go wrong? did she not campaign hard enough? did she not raise enough money?

did she hold too few debates against a cardboard nancy pelosi? i've got to tell you this scares me to my core. i'm shaking. this was the first political campaign where i knew and cared about the candidate before they got into politics. i saw first-hand how her opponents smeared her with outrageous accusations i knew to be untrue. and that has made me wonder if other campaigns have done this as well. i mean, is it possible that john mccain actually doesn't have an illegitimate black child? and does that mean megan mccain is white? i don't know what to believe anymore. and could it be that "i" have lied about candidates i disagree with like that time i said that harry reid is just a leather saddle bag brought to life by a navajo shaman.

i mean it feels true but maybe it's not. i don't know. or maybe it had nothing to do with the candidate. after all, the first district is a solidly republican stronghold. and i know you are supposed to stick with your team no matter what. that's why every football season i put my money on the baltimore colts. it is comeback time, johnny u! the point is, in politics, it is us versus them. but apparently some of them have the nerve to call them us. how dare them. and, folks, i've always believed in partisanship but now that it's cost my sister a seat in congress, i have my doubts. after all, partisanship has made it almost impossible for anything to get done in washington. congress can't raise the debt ceiling. they can't pass a budget. and the house spent all last week debating whether they are dead locked or gridlocked until they finally reached a

stalemate. ( cheers and applause ). now, some people out there blame this on rifts within the republican party. for instance, the g.o.p.-controlled house took two days to pass legislation that extended the government's helium reserves which democrats would have allowed them to pass by unanimous voice vote. but you can't pass a helium bill by voice vote. it would be embarrassing. (helium voice. ) the gentleman from mississippi votes wheeeeee! ( cheers and applause ). [bleep] mark sanford. now, folks, of course other people say it's obama's fault

like "new york times" columnist maureen dowd who recently wrote the job of the former community organizer and self-styled uniter is to somehow get congress to do the stuff he wants them to do. it's called leadership. yes, the definition of leadership is getting people who despise you to work with you. it's also the definition of the eagles. so obviously there's plenty of blame to go around, folks, including blaming -- and i can't believe i'm saying this -- the voters. because there's a new study in the proceedings of the national academy of sciences or p-nas that says partisanship goes deeper than we thought. >> liberal and conservative study participants were given two bucks to spend on a light bulb and had to choose between a 50 cent incan cecent bulb or the

$1.50 compact fluorescent bulk. both chose the efficient bulb but if it was labeled with a sticker that said protect the environment those who identified themselves as politically moderate or conservative were less likely to buy that light bulb. >> stephen: of course they won't buy it now its a liberal light bulb. it will let you screw it in before you're married to it. but if we're all on teams now, to get conservatives to buy eco-products, you're going to have to say they're bad for the planet. we're not going to buy 7th generation recycled toilet paper but we'll line up in droves for first generation sequoia murder now with 20% more seal pup. and i may be a man, but i will buy a crate of tampons if the box features a crying barack obama.

he's sad, he's sad because all the hormones in the water supply now make me menstruate. folks, this cutting off our nose to spite the other guy's face goes beyond light bulbs. a recent gallup poll on gun control found that 73% of republicans would vote to expand background checks but a second gallup poll found that 50% of republicans approved the senate not passing background checks. that means 23% of republicans are happy that the senate voted against the background checks that those same 23% would have voted for. well, i certainly hope they wrote their senators a nice thank you threat. and the republican cosponsor of the bill pat too maniy knows how this is possible. >> there were people on my side who did not want to perceived to be helping something that the

president wants to accomplish simply because it's the president who wants to accomplish it. >> stephen: that's right. if the president goes left, we go right. he zigs, we refuse to raise the debt limit and destroy the global economy. but don't get smug, democrats. because in 2009, 72% of democrats supported obama's plan to close guantanamo within a year. but after obama backed off, only 32% of democrats wanted to close it. that's what i call a flip flop. unless the president calls it that, in which case i call it integrity. ( cheers and applause ). i love it. okay. so maybe, just maybe, it's time everybody out there stops basing every decision you make on...

( cheers and applause ). ... on party affiliation. instead admit that every once in a while, you might agree with the other side. i'm talking about all of you people, of course, not me. i make a living attacking people without thought. for instance, the liberal gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian. we'll be right back.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back. thank you, folks. nation, if you watch this show you know i like to keep up with the latest trends. i know what's all the rage because i am "all" rage. i gots the scoop. >> dy scoop on what's hippity hoop. i mean i was planking way before it was cool like eight hours a night. and i've always got my look holes -- that's what kids call the eyes these days -- peeled for the latest trend in parenting. and the "new york times" recently featured a fantastic new fad in child rearing. going diaperless. to preserve the environment from the ravages of disposable diapers, prevent diaper rash,

reduce the laundering of cloth diapers and to feel more in touch with their babies' most intimate functions and nothing makes you feel more "in touch" with your baby's most intimate functions than scraping it out of your shoes. here's how it works. parents listen for noises their babies make while urinating or defecating. then the next time they hear it, parents make their own noise like a ssss or a grunting and eventually they can hold their baby over a toilet or a sink, grunt for about 20 seconds and the baby goes to the bathroom. pretty neat. also, letting your baby drop some heat in the sink is a great way to get the ladies room to yourself at barnes and noble. now the times article -- you're going to like this -- the times article also chronicles a parent who left little bowls around the house to catch her daughter's

offerings. and i cannot think of a down side to conditioning your child to pee in bowls except if you ever plan to take them to a pottery barn. now, folks, this whole exciting new method is known as elimination communication because if you let your kid pee in bowls around the house, you will eliminate all communication with friends. ( cheers and applause ). but surprisingly, the system is not perfect. diaper-free parents complain that they still need to rely on diapers overnight. folks, i want to help. that's why tonight i am proud to introduce a way to let your baby go diaper free all night long. it's stephen colbert's kiddie litter. simply line the bottom of junior's crib with at least four inches of my pat penitentiaried pee pee-pellets. then in the morning, scoop away the offerings.

and bravo, "new york times," for reporting on this new trend of cleaning up accidents. although i think i'll stick with my old method: picking them up with the "new york times." we'll be right back. 1fhoqododoaodo%opo