>> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00, here it is, your moment of zen. >> we're really puzzled. here at gingrich production wes spent weeks trying to figure out what do you call this, if it has a mcdonald's app to tell where you mcdonald'ses is from-- based on your gps captioning sponsore >> stephen: tonight can congress reach a compromise on immigration reform? or is passing legislation just a job americans don't want to do? (laughter) then what's in the latest issue of maxim, same as every issue, pornography for people who can't take nudity. and my guest dan brown is the best selling author of the "da vinci code" and

angels & demons. i wanted to interview him on the beach this summer. business networking sited linkedin is cracking down on prostitutes am now if they will just crack down on those people who keep inviting me to join linkedin. this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining me in here, out there. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, folks,

please, sit down. you know, nation, there's big news we have got to get to. thank you so much, folks. nation, if you watch this show then you know that for years now journalists like me have been unable to get anything to stick to teflona obama. well, no more, folks. because every day this week brings a new scandal for his administration. and mi so disappointed that the week has only 7 days. (laughter) we will have more on these scandals for about three years i'm guessing. (laughter) in the meantime this thursday the house will hold an historic vote. >> house speaker john boehner announced the house of representatives will vote once again next week to repeal obamacare. >> the republican controlled house plans to vote next week to repeal the

president's plan for the 37th time. >> stephen: yes. (laughter) >> stephen: for the 37th time. 37, of course, is a prime number. meaning it can be divided only by vicious partisanship. plav-- (laughter) and house speaker and good source of beta carotene john boehner is holding this particular vote for the best possible reasons. >> we've got 70 new members that have not had the opportunity to vote on the president's health care law. >> its guys have been up here last year, up here, we can go home and say listen, we voted 36 different times to repeal or replace obamacare. tell me what the new guys are supposed to say. >> stephen: yeah! come on, mom! the older congress got to vote against obamacare. it's not fair. (laughter) why can't we have hollow partisanship. what am i going to tell my friends? i hate you!

it's not just obamacare, folks. they should get to do all the good votes they weren't there for. repealing prohibition, declaring war on japan, calling on america to put a man on the moon by the end of 40 years ago. (laughter) but of course liberals are out there trying to rob this empty gesture of its deep meaning. >> here we go again. this is a total waste of taxpayer dollars. >> i think it's a huge waste of time. >> this repeal vote is a waste of time and tax dollars. >> stephen: oh. this is a waste of time and tax dollars, democrats. well, i've got another bill for you to vote on right here. (laughter) oh, oh, oh, wait, i have an amendment. (laughter) (cheers and applause) i am telling you, folks, the donkey crowd just don't get it every obamacare repeal is

unique because republicans never play this issue the same way twice. and i know because i've got every obamacare repeal vote on bootleg. i trade tapes with all the other fans. we call ourselves deadheads because without health insurance a lot of people will die. (laughter) and folks, the only thing i don't like is when the gop gets all self-indulgent and tries to play their new stuff like immigration reform. which has begun its climb through congress in a disturbing reminder that hispanics can vote. (laughter) and make no mistake, folks, the only reason the republicans are doing this is because of the 2012 election. i don't know if you remember that one. sadly i do. despite drinking a smoothie of my entire medicine cabinet. (laughter) you think a cocktail of rolaid, list recent and gold bond powder would erase something.

(laughter) luckily, there is a chance to stop this thing thanks to some hard numbers from conservative think tank and gop retirement home the heritage foundation. (laughter) jim? >> a new report from the heritage foundation saying legalizing immigration is going to cost the country trillions and trillions of dollars. >> 6.3 trillion dollars. >> 6 trillion dollars. >> 6 trillion dollars if you believe that study. can we afford that? >> 6.3 trillion dollars. >> now you cannot dismiss heritage as a fringe group. they're very much mainstream and you cannot dismiss that number because it is going to be dropped right not middle of the immigration debate. >> stephen: native born american stuart varney is correct. he-- he-- ladies and gentlemen, he is so awe thentically american he has the same accent as they did in col on-- colonial times. (applause) (cheers and applause)

folks, the heritage report 6.3 trillion price tag is a game changer. it's a deal-breaker. it might even be a break dancer. because it is spinning the debate on its head and then posing like this. (laughter) bottom line, bottom line, folks, we cannot afford to squander 6.3 trillion on a bunch of foreigners. we owe that money to-- and if we give these moochers a pathway to citizenship, it will be a fiesta of freeloading, a cinco degimme. the heritage foundation calculates this 6.3 trillion based on illegals using our public education, highways, parks, police and firefighters. and yes, i know that they are already here, so that does not mean they're using things like the fire department. because every one knows until are you legal, are you

not flammable. and the reports-- (applause) >> stephen: the report right here, and i have read it, a good read. and the report doesn't even mention the money we would spend retrofitting every doorway in america to accommodate sombreros. (laughter) yeah! the latino lovers out there cannot refute this plan on the merits. so they have resorted to personal attacks on the study's co-author jason richardwine seen here after drinking a refreshing glass of hair. at issue, at issue, folks, at issue is richwine's 2009 harvard dissertation, iq and immigration policy, which states that the average iq of immigrants in the united states is substantially lower than that of the white native population and the difference is likely to persist over several generations. that is shocking.

especially when you consider that the white native population of the united states is zero. (laughter) (cheers and applause) richwine gets even more specific to say no one knows whether hispanics will ever reach iq parity with whites but the prediction that new hispanic immigrants will have low iq children and grandchildren is difficult to argue against. yes t is difficult to argue especially if you have an hispanic iq. now i can understand why richwine's ideas offend members of the hispanic race, like jennifer lopez, david ortiz, denney trejo and former peruvian president alberto fujimori. i can't tell them apart. but even if richwine were a racist, that doesn't invalidate the heritage

report. first of all this weekend richwine resigned from the heritage foundation, i assume to spend more time measuring his family's salt. and their vp, the heritage foundation, the heritage foundation's vp of communications mike gonzalez put up a blog post saying dr. richwine did not shape the methodology or the policy recommendations in the heritage paper. the dissertation was written while dr. richwine was a student at harvard supervised and approved by the committee of respected scholars. its finding do not reflect the position of the heritage foundation or the conclusions of our study. well said. that mike gonzalez sounds pretty smart. he's probably adopted. now heritage-- (applause) heritage here, heritage is saying they find no credence in richwine's dissertation.

which they are careful to point out was supervised and approved by respected scholars at harvard. in other words, richwine's paper which says that today's hispanic immigrants have low iqs and will for several generations dooming them to failure is reprehensible. and had no influence on this paper cowritten by the same guy which says hispanic immigrants are a burdensome underclass and will be for several generations because they're doomed to failure. because this one is based on hard numbers unlike this one, which is an offensive screen with no credibility approved by harvard so it must be pretty good. (laughter) these two papers are totally different. it's like-- it's like apple pickers and orange pickers. which, by the way, we desperately need. (laughter) we'll be right back. why shop t.j.maxx and marshalls?

one. you get all the awesome brand names. two. you get them for less than department stores, and that's awesome. three. she'll think you look stylish and awesome. four. you'll actually be awesome. which is awesome. t.j.maxx and marshalls. two awesome ways to score.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, you know the old saying, it's not about whether you win or lose, it's about whether i win and you lose. but sometimes i don't get first place or a gold medal or champion hog at the kansas state fair. i totally owned you hands solo. spent a year getting marbles for nothing. well, folksing i'm sad to

say it has happened again. this is who's not honoring me now. (cheers and applause) nation, who could forget last year when i was named maxim magazine's 6 --th hottest woman in the world. -- 69th. (cheers and applause) some say it was inappropriate for me to show full frontal thumb but i say if you got it, flaunt it. well, once again maxim has dispatched their crack treatment of crack inspectors and the results are in for 2013. >> mily cyrus is number one on the maxim magazine hot 100 list. miley actually beat out jennifer love hewitt and rihanna for the hot honors. so crazy miley says in the 100 issue. >> mily cyrus is lovely but if are you giving out hotness honors to a disney star, i would go with walt's favorite girl, lenny

riesenthal. so maybe i didn't get number one. i would settle for number two or even number 8. but folks i went out and i bought some magazine, and after three hours of scouring the pages in a locked room, i was nowhere to be found. >> booo! >> stephen: you were a little late there. (laughter) and i know what this is, this is age discrimination. last year i'm hot this year i'm not. do you have any idea-- (laughter) do you have any idea how hard it is to stay young and firm? i have had so much fat from my ass inject mood my face that my dentist is a proctologist. (laughter) (cheers and applause) this is a disgrace, maxim.

you're sending a horrible message to america's young males that one year they could be one of the hottest women on the planet and the next year poof. nothing. by the way, poof-- is what i say to get my pouty hot face. (cheers and applause) who am i kidding? i'm just a withered old cougar. i just-- i don't know, i just want to be object find like a piece of meat is that too much to ask? and just look at the hot young thing who took my spot this year's magazine at number 69. mantei te'o's fake girlfriend. i'm sorry. mi sorry, maxim, but i am

wait hotter than her. have you seen her? neither has he. (laughter) i mean how dare-- how dare maxim give away my hard earned spot to some fake persona that doesn't even exist? instead of a genuine person like stephen colbert. now folks, don't kid yourself-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and don't kid yourself, folks, this totally changes the game. don't get too comfy miley cyrus because the fake people are eligible, next year's top spot could be everyone's canadian girlfriend. will you never see her coming. she is a model but she can't come down because her parents have a farm and she has to work this summer. and maxim, i will not take this lying down. unless that's what your photographer wants. in which case-- i'm willing to wax everywhere. (laughter) we'll be right back.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is an internationally best selling author whose latest novel is inferno. what a coincidence, that's where i put all my book.

please welcome dan brown! (cheers and applause) hey, mr. brown, nice to meet you. i haven't seen you since you and i were most influential people at time 100, you know. congrats, you still influential? >> deeply. >> stephen: because the angels and the demons and the "da vinci code", 80 million in print, right, the da vinc aye code. >> correct. >> stephen: you're like the second most popular author next to god, i think. and like the guinness book. >> god had 2,000 years to sell books, though. >> stephen: i understand. and you have had a few years to go gunning for him. >> not true. >> stephen: because your new book is called inferno. all right. this one is based on dante's inferno. >> that's the one. >> stephen: that's the one, okay. i have read dante's inferno. will i-- do i know the end

of this one? does it end with like satan in a giant frozen lake chewing on brought utt-- broughtus, cassius and-- . >> you brunned it for everybody. sses spoiler alert, climb up the ladder and get to purg tore. so are you gunning for my church in this one too? because you've got a thing for the catholic church, my friend. >> that is not true. >> stephen: it is true. i read your book and everything in your book is fact. >> that is true. and you can says church is this evil organization that crushes knowledge. >> that is-- what i say about the church is that, the question i ask in the "da vinci code" is what does it mean for christianity if christ were not literally the son of god. >> stephen: it means everything is false because the church is the resurrection. that's what the message is, he wasn't a spart dude there is a lot of those. i'm sure you are smart. jesus rose from the dead, my friend, end of story or rather beginning, checkmate. >> okay,. >> stephen: all right.

>> all right. >> stephen: did i just write a book, i think i just wrote a dan brown novel. >> well done. >> stephen: no, i love your books. i read them all. even like deception point. >> thank you. >> stephen: and the digital fortress, i read them all because i love the rage they fill me with. (laughter) why do you-- why dow put everything in puzzle form? why is everything supposed to be something we got to figure out? >> i love puzzles. my dad is a big code guy. he's an internationally best selling math textbook author. i grew up with codes and symbols in the house. we had treasure hunts, all kinds of ciphers and i think they are a lot of fun. >> stephen: so it comes to you naturally. >> yeah, it is a bit of a fixation. >> stephen: dow like anagrams. >> i do. >> stephen: all right. well, you know -- >> am i going to regret saying i like anagrams. >> stephen: you know, dan brown, the name dan brown is an anagram w all your success the name dan brown is a brand now.

not only that, but i read your books on the toilet while i'm working the bran down. >> thank you. >> stephen: i think i just wrote another dan brown novel. >> well done. >> stephen: now why such a complicated poem to base this book on? >> well, you know, i had written a lot about the fine arts. but i had never written about the literary arts. so on some level dante called it to me as something fresh. and what better piece of literature than inferno to base a thriller on. it was a thriller of its day. >> stephen: now you are a heretic, so-- in your book are the her he particulars till in red hot iron coffins forever? >> they are, where they belong. >> stephen: okay, good. and did you write this to familiarize yourself with where you'll be when you die? >> no, actually. i wrote this to-- .

>> stephen: i'm not letting you off. >> you're not, okay. i wrote this with the hope that the people, the people who love thriller was come to it, be inspired to either discover or rediscover one of the greatest works of literature ever written, dantes divine comedy. >> stephen: i thought it was "da vinci code"-- i mean it's good, don't get me wrong, i enjoyed it. because you get to see robert langdon again in this one. >> you do. >> stephen: tom hanks is in this one. >> he is. >> stephen: i'm definitely going to read this book. >> thank you. >> stephen: no, i don't think i have ever said that to a guest before. because i generally don't read any of the books that the guests-- i'm not a big reader. i don't even know why we have authors on. we sell so many books. but you don't need my help to sell a book. you're dan brown for christs sake. >> i appreciate all the help i get. >> stephen: well, you're

welcome. dan brown, thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: dan brown, the book is inferno. we'll backht backv0w(b2b2l