captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show, here it is your moment of zen. >> i saw on drudge that the weaner was in -- >> are you joking? >> no one knows how he will do with this next erection. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )

>> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please, welcome to the report, everybody. i'm stephen colbert. your love is like a vacation. folks, i've got a confession to make-- i'm no fan of barack obama. there, i said it. somebody had to. but i am a fan of how he's handled the war on terror by following the exact same policies laid out by president bush. bush. ( laughter ) who followed the exact same policies laid out by. cheney, particularly his flying deathbot

program which have some criticized because it's been used to kill americans overseas. but it's very limited in its scope in that only an informed, high-level government official can order your death. ( laughter ) secretary of state, definitelye no lower than the postmaster general. ( laughter ) which i assume means no more killing on saturdays. ( laughter ) and it's all perfectly legal thanks to a 2001 congressional resolution called "the authorization for use of military force" or a.u.m.f. so-called, because it is what gives obama's unchecked killing authority that special oomph. now, here-- ( cheers and applause ) right here. is-- this is he actual resolution, a svelte 60 words of eternal war-justifying

deliciousness. here we go. "be it resolved that the president is uthorized to use all necessary and appropriate force against those nations, organizations, or persons he determines planned, authorized, committed or aided the terrorist attacks that occurred september 11, 2001 or harbored such organizations or persons in order to prevent any future acts of international terrorism against the united states by such nations, organizations, or persons." folks, this is the most beautifully sweeping, knee-jerk declaration of vengeful fury since fdr. said after pearl harbor. this is a date that will live in infamy. hey, togo, i don't need to stand up to put my boot up your ass. ( cheers and applause ). and, folks, this unlimited power to wage war wherever is the result of a careful,

deliberative process because after the september 11 attacks, congress took an entire seven days to pass it. that's longer than it took god to make heaven and earth. ( laughter ) incidentally, heaven and earth-- those are the areas where the president is authorized to kill people. ( laughter ) don't try hiding behind that gate, st. peter. we have intele that puts you in the middle east 2,000 years ago. clearly, it is a great resolution, which is why i was so disappoint the by a major policy speech the president gave today at the national defense university-- great football team, by the way. their defensive line is f-14s. ( laughter ) and in his speech, obama announced he is ready to give up all that power. >> the a.u.m.f. is now nearly 12 years old. thinking, our definitions, our

actions, we may continue to grant presidents upbound powers more suited towards traditional armed conflicts between nation states. so i look forward to engaging congress and the american people in efforts to refine and ultimately repeal the a.u.m.f. mandate. >> stephen: the president wants to repeal the source of his power. that's like ryan gosling repealing his abs. or matthew mcconaughey repeal his abs. ( laughter ) or me repealing my power to name people with abs. laugh and believe it or not, some in congressment to help him do it. >> i'm convinced that if we do not repeal this authorization to use force that i voted against in 2001, we're going to see the state of perpetual war forever. >> how do you possibly square this with the requirement that-- of the constitution that the congress has the power to declare war? >> stephen: oh, great! let's put congress in charge of the war on terror.

hey, we have al qaeda number one in oursitis? do we hit him with a drone? three months of subcommittee hearings later he's still on the loose but acknowledge has nameslet ayman al zawahiri post office. >> if anything i say the a.u.m.f. is too restrictive because the resolution says you've got to link the terrorists you're killing to 9/11. so far that has not been a problem thanks tie high-level c.i.a. technique known as six degrees of guys who don't eat bacon. ( laughter ) for instance, here is how we justified-- you know they don't eat bacon, right? you know that? i'm not giving away state secrets there. here's how we justified drone strikes in yemen. yemen. lemon. lemon lime. 7 and 7. 711 9/11. ( cheers and applause ) perfectly legal.

but, folks, there may come a day when we can't link someone to 9/11. okay, another day. we're going to get you. layoff laugh that's why i'm with south carolina senator and aunt who gives you the same polo shirt every year, lindsey graham. >> we need to look at the a.u.m.f. anew. we need to broaden the ability to go after the enemy because it's changing day by day, but we need to do so within the values of being an american. >> stephen: yes, instead of repealing the a.u.m.f., we must broad broaden the president's war powers in a way that is consistent with the values enschiepped in our constitution. as madison wrote in article 3 yippee ki-yay, ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ) folks, i mean, why stop at removing september 11? i mean, i think-- i'll authorize

anything that moves! all right, take out september 11. that thing can go. but there are so many other things that can come out. for instance, necessary. appropriate. we're not talking about wearing white pants after labor day. ( laughter ) okay, that can go. and we don't need that. and i think that's done. that's redundant. that's old. this is gone. that's out. that's out. that's out. that's out. that's out. okay. this is all you need. the president is authorized to use all force. ( cheers and applause ) you know, a little less-- a little less yakkety-yak. a more attackety-tack. this is short enough to tweet.

#kaboom. but you know, folks, these days it seems like i'm the only one who wants to keep america safe. here to tell me he wants to keep america safe is retired army colonel and professor of international relations at boston university, andrew bacevich. colonel, thanks so much for being on. ( cheers and applause ) all right, all right. now, when the president talked about getting rid of the a.u.m.f. today in his speech, it almost seemed like he was saying there will come a time when the war on terror will end. >> we would hope so. >> stephen: no, but-- no! ( laughter ) there will always abe time when i could be terrified and-- and in such case, we should be at war with that. ( laughter ) >> we may differ on the fundamental point. >> stephen: we might. you might be wrong. >> i think war is bad. you think war is...?

>> stephen: sometimes necessary, sir, sometimes necessary. >> agreed and only when necessary should we choose to go to war. and when we choose to go to war, we really ought to adhere to the provision of the constitution. meaning congress decides and authorizes the president to wage war. >> stephenn but they did. they did. they authorized him. they passed this thing that said go get him! , is ic him! >> i think that's exactly right. when a crisis occurs the congress said-- the congress throws the president the keys to the car and says drive wherever you want to. send us the bill. >> stephen: right. run over our enemies. >> well, president bush ran over the cliff. president obama has done somewhat better, and based on his speech today, seems to have come to a realization that, he wants to say to the congress, "here, maybe shutake the keys back." is there why would request president want to surrender power? that's like superman saying i'll

take a kryptonite enema, please? >> if you read the text of the national defense university speech, the president in effect is admitting his reliance on drones, this program of targeted assassination, may have some upsides but it has significant downsides. he's now acknowledge ago. >> stephen: what downside? >> the downside is it alien aets a substantial part of the world's population. oh, no! are you saying the arabs may not like us? >> the presiden the arabs, many, don't like us. >> stephen: that's why we need this. we can't be the good guys. good guy countries finish last. >> if war is good, europe right. if war is bad, i'm right. >> stephen: i'm not saying war is good. i'm saying vigilance is necessary. that sound good. i like that. when is the last time congress declared war. >> world war ii. >> stephen: really?

against the japanese and the nazis, that's last time? >> that is correct. >> stephen: what have we done since then? >> workaroundleading to the commander in chief claiming ever more authority to do whatever the hell he wants to do. >> stephen: and it seems to have work outside on the okay. >> we may differ. >> stephen: we may differ on that one. >> we may differ with regard to the necessity and outcome of the iraq war which i would judge to have been total totally unnecessary and completely disastrous. >> stephen: so you'd rather see saddam back in power. those are your word. you just said that. all right? >> you win. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you're my favorite kind of guest. thank you so much. andrew bacevich. we'll be right back.

>> stephen: welcome back, esh. thanks so much, folks. folks, as america's most famous catholic,im the pope of base of basic cable. i was ready to embrace the new pontiff francis. big daddy frank. the lean, mean, argentine. the vicar so nice, he speaks for christ. i tried to follow his example when he washed the feet of the poor i went one step further and sent some homeless guys through a car wash, even paying for the wax. but as a devout member of the holy roman catholic church, my

scapular is in a bit of a twist today. over what his holiness said in his homily yesterday. >> ( translated ): the commandments that jesus gave to us is to do good, and redemption concerns everyone, not just those who who believe in jesus. the lord redeemed all of us, not justicals, at the blood of christ. everyone, even atheists. >> stephen: what the pluck? even atheists? i am a catholic. and i am a catholic so i can have the fast track paradise easypass because i am in communion with the one true church. in word the 1-3 scanner, membership has its privileges. if the lord redeems atheists, all bets are off? what's next?

the lord redeems lutherans? it's madness. i feel like a chump. i was an altar boy for 11 years. i put some miles in on my knees, all upon upin' and downin' and crissin' and crossin'. hey, colbert, you have a stamp on your head. i thought it was a hand stamp for heaven. some godless go guy can swoop in at the 11th hour and get redeemed? i want a refund. you know what i could have done with all those hours at church? i could have learned slide guitar. ( laughter ) i could have become fluent in thai. "ka pra nuk no gaah." that means, nothing because i never learned thai. ( cheers and applause ) and i just think-- i just think, francis, maybe somebody should have mentioned that believing in god waa optional.

because-- news flash ! -- it's ridiculous. an invisible wizard created the heavens and the earths in six days? took me a month just to stain my deck! ( laughter ) now, normally, folks, in a time of trial like that i would turn to god for guidance. but i guess it doesn't matter anymore. so i might as well turn to this stapler. so according to the pope, that's just as good. ( laughter ) oh, one true office supply. i am so confused. help me. what should i do? i'm a buddhist. in my next lifei'm hoping to be a fax machine.

i'm just so glad jesus didn't live to see this. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) %r

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a journalist and former marine who sent the last year in syria. that's rough-- missing the last season of "downton abbey."

please welcome c.j. chivers. besides the fact you're the author of the book "the gun" about the ak-47, most durable machine ever made by mankind, probably-- killing machine at least. you're also the guy from the "new york times" who shows up on the cover here saying-- in syria, clash over highway a bitterly personal war by c.j. chivers. i see your name there. are you the only time in the "new york times" on the ground there in syria right now? >> at the moment i am. >> stephen: what do i need to know about syria that i'm not learning because there's not a lot of coverage of syria in the mainstream press because it's a bummer. >> in human terms it's a sorrow. and the thing you need to know probably for starters are the human terms. we're talking something like 100,000 people killed so far in the conflict, millions of people

displaced in a country that is systematically, economically, physically, socially be destroyed. >> stephen: should we be there with boots on the ground? >> the syrians would like sosee us there. >> stephen: who the syrians o'er the assad rebels why don't the syrians look across the border to the stable, democratic regime in iraq? ( laughter ) that we established as a model for the entire region to spread peace. >> oh, i think what you're seeing is the syrians and iraqis are looking across the border at each otherrand in some ways they're already involved in the same war. >> stephen: how so? >> this started out as a popular uprising in the spirit of much of the arab spring-- peaceful protests against the government. it met an intensive armed crackdown, which in some ways provoked the civil war that you see now. and that war has taken a sectarian character which extends-- we're seeing more violence along sectarian lines reignited in iraq. >> stephen: so assad and his

buddies, they're she aright? but the population is essentially sunni. >> in the main, the population is sunni. and most of the opposition is sunni. >> stephen: as an american how much longer do i have to know those things? because i never wanted to know that stuff. ( laughter ) i'm a catholic. i'm not a muslim, and i don't really care about their little fights over there. how long am i going to have to care about fights in the middle east as an american? >> i think this fight is going to go on fair long time and you're going to need to care about it because it affects the regional stanley. >> stephen: how does the united states make the best of a situation for our own national security interest? >> choose a policy. it's not clearrto us who watch closely what the united states wants to have happen and what it it is doing to make it happen. >> stephen: obama drew the red line about chemical weapons and chemical weapons were used and we're not going in. >> are you sure chemical weapons were used. >> stephen: i saw it on fox news. >> i'm not sure chemical weapons

werr used. chemical weapons is probably one set of lenses to look at this war, and for some reason we're using that as a trigger in the west for whether or not we should get involved. it's not the best set of lenses for looking at the war. tens of thousands of people have been killed in the war by conventional weapons. the dwengzal weapons is wait the war is playing out each day and is ruining the country. >> stephen: now, you're here now asy i sad, but you're a dad who lives in rhode island, right? >> am i. >> stephen: when are you going back? >> soon. >> stephen: how long will you there about? >> we'll be there about a week. >> stephen: how is the damascus hyatt, is it nice? >> i haven't been there yet. i go in and work with the rebels so we go in from the turkish side typically and we ravel with sleeping bags with the rebels for a period of time and come out. >> stephen: you were a marine, right? >> correct. >> stephen: when these rebels are about to go on an operation, do you ever say, "hey, guys, i'm not going to say those tactics are good or bad, but i'm going to be reporting from behind that

wall over there." >> you know, i get in that situation a lot where you see things that are happening that you probably would prefer not to happen on the tactical side, or the use of weapons, and i usually don't say anything whatsoever. we're there to observe. we're not advisers. we're not combatants and we observe and go with them, for the better or worse. >> stephen: if someone was looking at how close you were standing to the rebels they'd get a pretty good idea what you thought of their tactics? >> they might. there are some rebels-- people -- >> stephen: c.j. doesn't like this. thank you so much for coming. stay safe, please. c.j. chivers. the "new york times." we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. we are off for the next week. the next time you see me i'll be thin as mac: well, then what would you say? dennis: she's a quitter. dee: you know what? i don't even care. well, and that proves my point. right. failed. failure implies that she actually tried to be an actor. okay, i did try. it just didn't happen to work out. it's not your fault, sweetie.