[cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) >> -- (cheers and applause) hey, how about that. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. everybody. thank you for joining us. i i don't know what this means.

please, nation, i appreciate the welcome. please sit down. we have so much to talk about. look, i really appreciate all the support you're giving me tonight because i come to you with a heavy heart. and not just because my preshow cocktails of bourbon and nutella. no, folks, i am ensaddened by the recent announced retirement of an conservative giant michele bachmann. (laughter) yes, true. the congresswoman who represents minnesota's valley of the dolls. she broke the news in a web video recorded at, i believe, the sears portrait studio. (laughter) >> jim? >> after a great deal of thought and deliberation i have decided next year i will not seek a fifth congressional term. >> there you have it, no fifth term. a political career over in the blink of an eye.

which for michele bachmann is once every eight years. (laughter) but folks, done worry. in her remaining time in office michelle bachmann will stay focused on her goals. >> i will continue to work vehemently and robustly to fight back against what most in the other party want to do to transform our country into becoming. >> yes. we must fight those most before our country is transformed into becoming. stupid most. so tonight, folks, we say good-bye to michele bachmann and look fondly back at some of her very moments. (laughter) >> planned parenthood is a billion dollar a year entity. they want to become the lenscrafter of big abortion.

>> it's a very sad life. it's part of satan i think to say this is gay. it's anything but gay. >> leads to the personal enslavement of individuals. because if you are's involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it's bondage. >> the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the united states. >> there's a woman who came up crying to me tonight after the debate. she said her daughter was given that vaccine. she told me her daughter suffered mental retardation as a result of that vaccine. >> there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas. >> our fathers thought taxation without representation was bad wa, would they think of representation with taxation. >> i got two cupcakes for you. did you get them. you we got two cup takes for

you, did you get them. we didn't know if you liked chocolate or vanilla. (applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i will miss her. that's why i sent her two farewell cup takes. we sent her too, did she get them did. she get the two? what? what's-- (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, nobody likes a know it all and i should know because i know all of it. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. folks, i am a famous person who i'm sure goog sell going

to send me those google glass glasses but folks i'm not sure if i even want them now. >> google banning porn on its futuristic glasses. >> google says pornography will not be allowed in its new google glass computer eyeglasses. the tech giant made the move yesterday after a porn company announced a new adult app. >> so a wag of my finger at google glass for banning porn. now the only way you can see porn on google is by typing porn into google. (laughter) or, or really anything into google. it's just not good business. i mean google is making a car that can drive itself. why have a car you don't need to steer if you can't watch porn while it drives you to church. now what are you supposed to do with your hands in there. i'm telling you, i am telling you, those heated

leather seats are just a tease. next up on the-- i love westerns, the classic american genre which is why i'm giving a wag of my finger at the lone ranger. jimmy, give them a good taste of the bad ugly. >> there were rumors that sustained us, stories of a man, a masked man. a lone ranger. >> stephen: yes, the lone ranger facing off against his newest threat, a bullet gently lobbed at him by a child. (laughter) i'm sorry, i am sorry but i cannot get behind this gritty new reboot. i'm an originalist and i believe the lone ranger should be a clean cut gentleman with a perfectly crisp lace up shirt because back in my day outlaws knew not to [bleep] with a guy wearing a neckerchief.

>> whooo! (applause) to make things worse n the entire trailer not once does the lone ranger say his famous catch phrase hi ho silver. even in the scene where he is saying i had to a ho who is holding silver! (applause) come on! but what really asses my chaff is that the lone ranger isn't even the star. >> from the great beyond, a vision told me great warrior would help me on my quest. >> stephen: wait, his quest, tonto's quest? tonto is not the hero, tonto is the side kick. tonto is so inconsequence that he's been partners with

this guy since 1949 and people still call him the lone ranger. (laughter) come on! (applause) i'm angry, i'm angry! and look at this injustice which is surely the greatest ever to transpire between a white person and a native american. >> people think are you dead. better to stay that way. >> you only wear a mask. >> oh, great idea. take advice on casual accessories from the guy with the dead crow on his head. (laughter) finally folks, i prize myself on always being up on the latest innovations. well, get ready because the future is now. >> seems those new 3-d printers could soon be printing your dinner. nasa is now funding research into 3-d printed food. one researcher is using that

grant money to print pizzas. >> stephen: fantastic! instant printed pizza at the touch of a button. unlike dominoes where you have to wait for 30 minutes and the pizza only tastes like it came out of a printer. (laughter) so a tip of my hat to 3-d printed food. (cheers and applause) delicious! folks, here is how your meal will be extruded. the printer first prints a layer of doe which is baked at the same time it is printed. then it lays down a tomato base which is also stored in a powdered form and then mixed with water and oil. finally the pizza is topped with a protein layer. hmmmm. a protein layer. man, my mouth is already filling with a saliva layer. plus, plus hopefully we can combine our 3-d printed food

with our 3-d printed guns. and make a rifle that fires pizza rolls right into my food hole. (applause) now according to the food printer's creator, the technology would be the end of food waste because the powder this system uses is shelf stable for up to 30 years. but remember, it's very important, after 30 years and one day, it tastes terrible. (laughter) the only downside if there's something wrong with your dinner you can't complain to the waiter, you have to talk to alex from it who is just going to roll his eyes and ask if you try turning your person omelet off and on but obviously you've already tried that. the problem is the red peppers aren't compatible with windows xp. do i look like an idiot? the point is, folks, nasa printing pizzas in orbit is the kind of innovation that

should make every american proud. because while we're doing that, africans condition even get a loaf of bread. it's the ultimate power move. hey, somalia, don't eat all that dirt in one sitting. now if you'll excuse us, we got to launch a cake into the sun. we'll be right back.

>> welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. nation, i want you to know that it gives me no pleasure to say this but barack obama is a failed president. (laughter) i mean the scandals just keep coming, folks. for instance this week the ils scandal was embroiled in its own scandal sauce. >> a number of conservatives coming forward, fairly deep pocket donors who are saying you know what, i was audited over the last year, going into the election. >> did the irs target conservative donors during last year's presidential election? frank vandersloot, an idaho businessman says he had a bulls eye on his back. >> look what they did to vandersloot. >> there is no excuse for what the irs did to frank vandersloot. that kind of unfair targeting could besmirch the good name of vandersloot. and folks, vandersloot's not alone.

sam zherka, the owner of new york's cheetahs strip club has filed a 20 million dollar lawsuit claiming he's being targeted by the irs for his political activities. it has got to be political targeting, folks. i mean there is no other reason for the irs to suspect a business in which greasey singles are touching the butt cracks of women who have all chosen fake stage names from a spice rack. (laughter) now of course i hear what you are thinking. you are thinking stephen, people get audited all the time. this is just coincidence and paranoia. oh really? if i'm paranoid, why can i hear your thoughts? yeah, think about it. and this scandal, this scandal isn't just about how the irs takes our money. it's about how they waste it too. and explosive new report has reveled that over the past three years the irs spent $50 million on 220 employee

conferences, 50 million. they only work one day a year. (laughter) now it turns out, turns out they spent the other 364 partying like it's 1099. (laughter) jim. >> we're learning some disturbing new details concerning the irs, specifically this video just turned over to congressional investigators that shows irs employees blind dancing. it -- produced on the taxpayer dime for a training conference that took place back in 2010. >> stephen: yes, the irs is wasting your hard earned tax dollars on dance lessons for people with the rhythm of unevenly loaded washing machines. (laughter) i mean come on! is there not, are there no better ways r there no better ways to spend that cash? like perhaps paying for this guy a vert iggo medication?

-- vertigo medication. i demand, nation, i demand an investigation. what kind of line dancing was that? was this the electric fly, if so, it was powered by solyndra or was it cotton eyed joe. i hope not because he always takes the fifth. nobody knows where he comes from or where does he go. where do you come from, cotton eyed joe! and and long last if they have to dance, they should at least get some work done at the same time. they could review some tax forms. it's easy. watch this, jimmy, please. (cheers and applause) ode dividends, faxable pensions and annuity, add line 44 and 45, residential energy credits, an fly. we'll be right back.

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omg, stop. jack, your new chipotle chicken club is craze amaze. annnd chipotle is totes trending. spicy crispy chicken, hickory smoked bacon, melting cheese, and smoky chipotle sauce plus fries and a drink for $4.99? that combo is chipot-cray. and chipotle is my hashtag faveflave. let me guess-you're the new social media intern. yeah! great. i'm late for a meeting. can you make some copies? ...with the tanning bed?

>> welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is an academy award-winning director whose new film is called we steal secrets. the story of wiki leaks. how. please welcome alex gibny. (cheers and applause) hey, alex. good to see you, thank force coming on. okay, as i said, you are an academy award-winning documentary filmmaker. your films include taxies of the darkside, client nine, the rise and fall of eliot spitzer, meah maxima culpa, silence in the eye of god, and enron its smartest guys in the room. your new film called we steal secrets the story of wiki laeks in theatres now, on demand june 7th.

we steal secrets, about wikileaks, are you in this discussion tonight going to spill any state secrets that could get a bag popped over my head and get me dragged off to guantanamo. >> no, i don't think so. >> stephen: you don't think so. >> i don't think so but you know, we steal secrets is actually a phrase said by former cia director michael hayden. he looked at me and said alex, we steal secrets, that's what we do. >> stephen: the cia does. >> correct. >> stephen: they're licence food do so. >> seemingly so. >> stephen: are you making equivalency between the cia, the official intelligence agency of the united states, and some clown like julian a sang and badly manning, a known criminal who stole these state secrets and leaked them to the world and possibly to our enemies and endangered american lives. >> bradley manning is to you being charged with aiding the enemy which is equivalent to treason. he pled guilty to leak the secrets. and the secrets he leaked did a lot of good. >> stephen: explain to people before we get ahead of ourselve was bradley manning is and what he did,

for july yan assange. >> bradley manning was an army private. he was in iraq, deployed in iraq. and at some point in 2010 he leaked a video about the apache gunship which killed a reuters journalist and also some war logs from iraq and afghanistan and about 250,000 state department cables. >> stephen: okay. >> these were leaked to wikileaks then wikileaks partnered with "the new york times" and the guardian and a german smaing to publish these all over the world. >> stephen: are you arguing that he should not be on trial for what he did? >> he pled guilty to leaking these secrets. it is what i would call an act of civil disobedience. he may have been somewhat naive about the extent to which these secrets would be leaked all over the world. but i do think that he had a sense that some very bad stuff was going on in iraq an afghanistan and the american public needed to know about. and he felt that somebody should publish them.

>> stephen: so he thought he was doing the right thing. >> indeed. >> stephen: even though it might be against the law for him to do it, he had to do that thing because it was the right thing to do. >> that's right. >> stephen: and he should pay a price for that. >> indeed. he said-- he is going to pay a price for it. >> stephen: if you think it is the right thing to do but against the law you could still do it and then just pay the price afterwards and say that is the price i give for my country the same way the bush administration knew it was the range this to do to torture people and now they have all gone to jail. >> no. >> stephen: no, i think bin-- a fair amount. >> i'm pretty sure nobody went to jail about it. >> stephen: maybe do a documentary about that one. >> a good thought. >> stephen: now what about julian assange here, the ghost, and i don't mean just the pailness of his skin. >> hard to find the guy, hard to get to. did you interview him for this documentary? >> no, i didn't. he refused to be

interviewed. he wanted money. and then after i said i wouldn't pay him, he said well how about you spy on some of the other interview subjects. and i said well i'm not going to do that. >> stephen: wait, wait, he wanted you to spy on, who did he want to you spy on. >> all the other interview subjects i was talking to and report back to him. >> stephen: so you would be working for him. >> right. >> stephen: was he willing to pay you to work for him? >> that was a good question, i should have asked him that. >> stephen: now i had him on my show in 2010 and it was free. (laughter) he ate like half a cheese tray, you know. it was nice. what would you have asked him had you the chance? >> i wanted to have him walk through everything that he had done, the process by which he decided to come up with this frankly a very good idea which is this transnational publishing mechanism whereby people could leak secret as nonmussly to a web site that would not be beholden to political pressures around the world.

i wanted to find out how he came up with the idea and how he put it up to effect. >> stephen: you say the obama administration is tenantment to criminalize og investigative journalism. what dow mean by that. >> one of the things that is happening is the obama administration has now prosecuted more whistle-blowers than all previous administrations combined. >> stephen: and that's good or bad. >> nass's bad. >> stephen: you don't think spies, es meanage, right there in the name, you shouldn't be prosecuting spies that is what you are saying. >> i am saying they shouldn't be prosecuting whistle-blowers as spies. >> stephen: who gets to say what is a whistle-blower and what is a spy,. >> well, i guess the president of the united states gets to say. >> stephen: damn straight. >> that's why you need a republican in there. >> well, thank you so much for joining me. alec, we steal secrets, we'll be right back.

>> these eat end of the report, everybody.