falls by pretending to faint on the kitchen floor. (laughter) she was fun. she knew more than her share of tragedy, losing her brother and her husband and three of her sons. but her love for her family and her faith in god somehow gave her the strength not only to go on but to love life without bitterness and to instill in all of us a gratitude for every day we have together. and i know it may sound greedy to want more days with a person who lived so long, but the fact that my mother was 92 does not diminish it, it only magnify it is enormity of the room whose door has now quietly shut. in her last days my mother occasionally became confused and to try to ground her we asked simple questions like "what's your favorite color? what's your favorite song?" she couldn't answer these. but when asked what her favorite prayer was she imimmediately

recited "a child's prayer" in german that she used to say to my eldest brothers and sisters in bedtime when they were living in munich in the late 14940s. her favorite memory of prayer was a young her tucking in her children. we were the light of her life and she let us know it until the end. and that's it. thank you for listening. now we can get to the truly important work of television broadcasting, which is what she would want me to do. when i was leaving her last week, i leaned over and i said "mom, i'm going back to new york to do the show." and she said "i can't wait to see it. i wouldn't miss it for the world." so with that in mind this is the "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central

( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. folks, if you are a long-time watcher of this program -- i mean, if you really know anything about me, you know -- please, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. thank you so much. folks, long time viewers of this show will know there is no bigger supporter of the military than yours truly. i'm talking about the fella at the end of this business.

(laughter) that's why at the slightest hint of world conflict i am always the first to yell "let's go to war!" and "ow, my back!" (laughter) but a huge military scandal has just broken and it's really shaken my trust in our fighting forces. >> cap'n crunch apparently only has three stripes and a writer for www.food's be.com saying if you look at the navy's captain rank should have four stripes. a commander has three so he's not a captain at all. (laughter). >> stephen: that's right! it turns out all this time this cap'n was actually a commandra. (laughter) oh cap'n my cap'n. (laughter) how could you? this whole time you've been part of a balanced betrayal! (laughter) the only reason i ate a serial that looked like the rotten teeth of a pirate on shore leave

was because i was led to believe that he was an active duty u.s. naval captain! i thought i was supporting the troops. (laughter) if horatio magellan crunch-- look it up-- (laughter) is lying about this, what else is he lying about, folks? are crunchberries not actual fruit? (laughter) did he really defeat soggies? and is there any truth to the disturbing rumors that in the 1940s he was known as kiptan von krunch? the most feared u-boat captain in the fuhrer's kriegsmarine? i hope not! i sure hope not! now, crunch has tried to put this story to rest by actually tweeting today "regarding today's rumors, of course i'm a cap'n. it's the crunch, not the clothes, that make a man."

(laughter) hashtag paidmydues. hashtag bull (bleep). (cheers and applause) i bet you anything he didn't pay his dues. i bet he sent in ten box tops. (laughter) folks, i am calling for a congressional investigation! how far does this serial scandal spread? is general mills just a colonel? (laughter) is count chocula just mr. chocula? (laughter) and what about frosted flakes. we will find out they're adequate? (laughter) (cheers and applause) i just hope and pray -- i just hope this scandal doesn't spread to the number-one children's serial mascot, kashi good friends. (laughter)

i think we deserve to know. are they really good friends who enjoy high fiber? or are they just business associates who synchronize their bowl movements for marketing purposes? (laughter) like a clock. folks, i believe in saying whatever's on my mind right after it's been put into this little teleprompter up here. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) first up, ladies and gentlemen, there's some good news about the housing market in that there is still a housing market. (laughter) jim? >> house flipping is back. >> stephen: house flipping? you've got to be kidding. >> i'm not kidding. house tipping. realty track says these are the best places to flip a house. number one: orlando, also on the list, las vegas, phoenix, tampa. see the common denominator? these states and cities topped the list of the foreclosure

crisis. >> they were gobbled up by hedge funds and now the hedge funds are now renting back to the people who can't afford to buy homes. >> nation, this is the free market at its best. banks overlend to homeowners and then foreclose on them then rent them back their former homes. (audience reacts) it's like being a meth dealer who is also a dentist. (laughter) which reminds me i need to get a check up with spider. that's why i'm giving a big tip of my hat to wall street for this great money-making innovation. but sadly not everyone's on board. like one california real estate agent who worried the things that scares me is the values going up so quickly. that's what happened before and that's what's scaring me. is this going to happen again (laughs) no! this is completely different!

the first time wall street investors pumped money into the real estate market causing a massive bubble that led to an economic crisis. (audience reacts) this time wall street investors are pumping money into the real estate market causing a massive bubble that will lead to prosperity! (cheers and applause) as the old saying goes, those who forget the past are doomed to make mad dollars! (laughter) next america's roads aren't what they used to be and i would tell the nation's highways myself but they're still upset since finding out they were adopted. (laughter) and sadly -- i know, i know. and sadly state governments simply don't have the money to repair them. that's why i'm giving the next tip of my hat to north carolina for finding an innovative way to pay for road construction. >> owners of hybrids and

electric cars in north carolina may be hit with higher fees because they don't pay the same amount of gas tax as drivers of traditional cars. >> the proposed state senate budget calls for an increase on top of the annual registration fee. >> the senate budget proposal on the table now calls for $50 added for hybrid owners, $100 tacked on for anyone who drives an electric car. >> stephen: thank god! i say it's high time we punish the eck cotkwaoeps. they should be buying gasoline when they need it or not. (laughter) i don't care what you do with it, set fire to a denny's. (laughter) in fact, -- (applause). in fact, folks, i think maybe this is just me, i think north carolina should go after all freeloader transportation that uses public roads but doesn't pay into the system. pedestrians should be hit with a walking tax. (laughter) bicyclists should be hit with a bike tax. and unicyclists should just be

hit. (laughter) why stop at roads? plenty of people make life-style choices that adversely affect state budgets. like those people who quit smoking. that has caused cigarette tax revenue to decline, tax which is go to fund cancer research! (laughter) you hear that? people are going to die from lung cancer because you refuse to smoke! (laughter) thanks for spreading your second-hand health you selfish jerks! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) 

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight are an indy rock group making their first t.v. appearance, but. please welcome the postal service! (cheers and applause) ♪ hey, jimmy, hey, ben, thanks for coming on. all right, thanks so much for being here. jenny, jimmy, this is your first time on the show. welcome. >> thank you. >> stephen: ben, welcome back. >> thank you. >> now collectively you guys are known as the postal service and you put out an album ten years ago called "give up." and an album -- (laughter). -- a title i guess you took too seriously? (laughter) because you've've never put out

another album but you're celebrating the tenth anniversary on a tour. how do you do an album like this live? because -- i mean this in the best possible way, bleep pwhrorp. it's a little bleep blorp. how do you do that live in front of an audience? jimmy? >> a lot of computers and a lot of dancing. >> stephen: now you lay the computer, right? >> uh-huh. >> stephen: now why did you choose that instrument? did you go to like the music store as a kid and it was closed but the best buy was open next door? (laughter) what was marching band like? >> i couldn't get into piano lessons and so -- computers -- (laughter). >> stephen: and how did you guys create this album originally ten years somethat that. >> well, jimmy would send me c.d.s with kind of music beds on them and then i would kind of put them in my computer and kind

of try to create songs out of what he sent me. everything he sent me was structured. then i would write words and melodies and add little things, guitars, key boards and stuff and send the tracks back to him then he would put them in his computer. >> stephen: you'd send them as e-mail files or something like that? (laughter) >> in 2003 it was kind of before you could send huge files like that easily. i think i had a dial-up connection at that point. (laughter) so we've kind of sent them literally through the mail, hence the name the postal service. (audience reacts). >> stephen: oh, okay! i see. so if you were -- if you're -- if you were doing your album today it might be called like come cast high speed internet? something like that? (laughter) now how did you get mixed up with these two guys, jenny? you had your own successful career. let's look at your earlier work.

♪ i don't want to grow up, i'm a toys "r" us kid ♪ wouldn't be a toys "r" us kid (cheers and applause) >> wow. wow. >> stephen: do you ever lord that over these guys and say "you'll never know what it's like to be really famous"? >> (laughs) no but i will now. thank you for that. >> stephen: how did you get mixed up? >> ben and i were on the same record label out of seattle and i was out in nebraska recording a record with rilo kiley and my cell phone that i just purchased rang. >> stephen: they had those in 2003? >> it was a huge thing and it was ben gibbard on the phone and he asked me to sing on the record and i had never met ben. i'd never seen a picture of ben. >> stephen: would that have changed anything? (laughter) >> so i went back to l.a. and ben asked if i would pick him up

from the airport and i rolled up in a 15-passenger van and had a sign that said "ben gibbard" on it. so he got in the van and we went to go meet jimmy who i had never met before. we shared margaritas and recorded my vocals i think in a day. >> stephen: so this is ten years after the release of the album being released, your new old albums "give up." are you going to do a second album? >> um -- (laughter). >> stephen: (laughs) uh-huh. you have the same delivery philosophy as the actual postal service. (laughter) (cheers and applause) ben, jimmy, jenny, how about some songs? (cheers and applause) we'll be right back with a performance first time on television by the postal service. ex @"-wuubñ0io$o$@wwúaa]@-x

>> stephen: here with a song off their album "give up", ladies and gentlemen, the postal service. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ the freckles in our eyes aren't mir very images, i have to speculate ♪ god himself is made up into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay ♪ and true it may seem like a stretch but it starts like this is catch my trouble you're away when i am missing you ♪ and you were out there on the road for several weeks of shows and when you scan ♪ the radio i hope this song

will guide you home ♪ they will see us waving from such great heights ♪ come down now they'll say, but everything looks perfect far away ♪ come down now but we'll stay ♪ i tried my best to leave this all on your machine ♪ but the persistent beat it sounded thin upon listening ♪ and frankly will not fly you will hear the shrillest highs and lowest lows ♪ with the windows down when this is guiding you home ♪ they will see us waving such great heights ♪ come down now they'll say ♪ but everything looks perfect

from far away, come down now ♪ but we'll stay ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ they will see us waving from such great heights come down now they'll say ♪ but everything looks perfect from far away ♪ come down now, but we'll stay

♪ ♪ they will see us waving from such great heights ♪ come down now they'll say ♪ they will see us waving such great heights ♪ come down now (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the postal service! °1sseed

>> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ and finally, i'm sure you've all noticed the fabulous chandelier you'll be delivering. what? where? up there. others: oh...! ooh...! nice. it's extremely delicate, so if one of you breaks it, you're paying for it! fry did it! did what?

just practicing for later. ♪ ah, perfect timing. i just turbocharged the ship's matter compressor. what's the matter compressor? nothing's the matter, fry, now that i've turbocharged the matter compressor. (groans) instead of making the ship faster, how about installing some seat belts? seat belts are dead weight. i feel the need for speed! yes, but i feel the nafety for safety. oh, fuff! i don't get all up in your business when you upgrade your bazooms! that's because my bazooms don't put anyone's life in danger! (grunts) done broke my spine. nice rack, though. thank you, scruffy. ♪ (whirring, crackling) (sputters) (explosion) oh! you wrecked my dear ship, bessie?! i just finished naming her.

leela: never mind the ship. what about us? (woozy gibberish) fry did it! we've had it with this flying slaughterhouse. we're having it towed away for scrap, and we're getting a new, safer ship. (rumbling, beeping) here i comes to save the days. (whirring) this is how you treat me? after all the good news i've given you over the years? well, if you don't want bessie, you don't want me. good-bye! ♪ don't worry, shippums, with a whole junkyard of spare parts to work with, i'll turn you into a tepid rod. oh, what the heck-- a hot rod!