last year i found him naked behind a true value hardware. as our founders intended. classic lou dog. but sadly, folks, some people out there want to ruin america's sacred birthday. this is fourth of july under attack! (laughter) thank you, jesus, he's a good guy. folks, you know me, i try to like everybody. but there's one person i des piece with a passion, new york mayor michael bloomberg. (laughter) he has repeatedly attacked our smokers, he's attacked our bill gulps, and now he has attacked our time-honored patriotic tradition. >> sorry kinds y fourth of will july celebration losing its bark, he wants to ban the sale of sparklers because it's possible terrorist kos use them.

bloomberg pushing to veto a bill allowing the sale of them around the weeks of fourth of july saying they could get not hands of the enemy. >> get into the hands of the enemy? (laughter) oh no, al qaeda might wait until dark and write "death to america" in the air. (laughter) >> stephen: how dare you, sir! how dare you! some of my happiest childhood memories were spent holding a 1500 degree metal rod. (laughter) well folks, i done care what mayor buzzstomp over here says. sparklers deserve a seat at freedom's table. that's why tonight in an act of skifl disobedience my building fire safety marshal frank will now enjoy safe and fun sparkler. come on out here, frank. (cheers and applause) there you go. all right, there's your sparkler. you ready to do this, buddy.

>> i don't think the beard is a good idea. (laughter) >> stephen: come on, uncle sam has got to have the beard, all right. let's do this, flame on. whooo! >> stephen: i am so sorry for your loss. (laughter) frank was a good man. everybody said he really lit up a room. (laughter) you understand he had to wear the beard, right, you know that. (laughter) i never forget frank's last words, he said damn you stephen colbert, goddamn you to hell. (laughter) somebody help me.

(laughter) i would like to think that that somebody was you, mary. you know what, let's remember frank by lighting this sparkler. (laughter) and thinking of him. ♪ ♪. >> stephen: kids, kids, you're going to have to be brave now. i'm so sorry for your loss. i wish i could have extinguished your parents. but thanks to mayor bloomberg my soda was only 16 ounces. (applause)

so it's really his fault. you see that, don't you? (laughter) >> stephen: okay. okay, you're going to be all right. you know what? you know what? here, go play with some sparklers. go on, go on. have some sparklers. there you go. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh, oh, oh, but remember, only use them under parental super-- have fun! oh, they'll be fine. folks, yesterday the supreme court overturned the defense of marriage act. (cheers and applause) i like to cheer for pretty colors too. but they are surrendering this country to the radical gay agenda of joint tax

returns. it's unnatural. but luckily one tv show is not backing down. and i hope it's this one. this is stephen colbert's big gay round up. (applause) yee what! -- i want to thank my old pal international movie star steve car rel for never asking me how i would use that footage. (laughter) >> stephen: you're a good man. now first in the gay roundup, folks, i trust the gays about as far as i could throw them. not that i would know, i don't pick up gay men to throw or any other reason. come to think of, it, they're in better shape than i am so it might be easier to let them throw me but i guess i trust the gays less

far than they could throw me, are we clear? god, they have to complicate everything. and now they're complicating blood donation. >> the american medical association is pushing for a reversal of a decades-old ban on blood donations from gay men saying that the law is outdated. gay men have been banned from donating blood since the aids crisis in the 1980s. but now the ama says there are better testing procedures and better understanding of hiv. >> stephen: folks leting gay people donate blood is an endorsement of the gay lifestyle. in fact, i'm pretty sure a gay blood transfusion is how you get gay. (laughter) >> stephen: it's like being bitten by a radioactive spider. you get all the gay superpower superstrength, web slinging and the desire to wear skin tight spandex on broadway. next on the roundup-- , like a true american, i love all things disney.

mostly because all things are owned by disney. (laughter) an my favorite show is the disney channel good luck charlie, a family sitcom about the ups and downs of raising five children. now as a fan i feel like i've been kicked right in the mickeys because in a first for the disney channel, next season one of little charlie's play dates will be with a kid who has two moms. two moms! they'll probably be having their own play date with crayons and construction paper, or as they call it, scissoring. (laughter) >> stephen: oh, i know, i know. ugly stuff. folks, i am outraged and i am not alone. the faith and freedom network and foundation railed, the entertainment industry is doing everything humanly possible to normalize homosexual relations an on the tea party nation they're saying walt disney must be spinning in his grave, yes, or at the very least someone has put his frozen head on a

lazy susan. disney, i demand that you drop this two mommies plot and go back to delivering wholesome messages. like teaching our children that they can be a princess if they let a man make out with him while they're drugged. or-- or-- (applause) or that there is nothing wrong with beastiality if a candle says it's okay. (laughter) we'll be right back. (applause)

>> hey, welcome back. welcome back, everybody. welcome back, to more of el showo. why am i speaking spanish? because i was just handed this el papero t says breaking news, america is over. >> it passed. the landmark immigration

bill-passed. 68 to 32. >> stephen: immigration reform has passed the senate. i didn't think that bill had a chance in congress. in that it was a bill in congress. this is only the beginning, folks. only the beginning. today it's amnesty. the next thing you know taco bell is serving mexican food. remember the alamo. this su render comes courtesy of a group of senators calling themselves the gang of eight. no surprise. you let in the mexicanoes and before you can say bib leo techa the senate run by a gang, i mean look at these guys. i wouldn't be surprised if they were smuggling in premium uncut flomax. so just who are they? jimmy, juice it! >> mccain, the maverick. menendez, the maybe mexican one. graham, the he is duck tres. rubbio, mr. thirsty.

schumer, big daddy shum. >> blake, the one you just heard of. and the rest. gang of eight. >> now the boys over her here-- think-- that's going to be a series on its nostalgia channel. the boys over here think they can get conservatives like me to swallow their amnesty earning landa by including so-called security measures otherwise known as a border surge. now don't get me wrong, i like the idea of a surge, it worked in iraq. you hardly see any mexican sneaking into baghdad. but it's not nearly enough, folks. this plan would merely double the border patrol with one agent every thousand feet. no sir! we need them every three feet that way they can link arms and call out red rover red rover don't let francis cocome over.

no immigrant should get citizenship in this country until we know the border is sealed. and i'm not just talking about the mexican border, folks, i'm talking about any border and that includes somebody coloring outside the lines on a denny's place mat. sorry jose but you can't get your green card because maria drew a blue sun. nation, someone has got to answer for this madness. when we return, i will get someone to answer for this madness. senator and el jefe delos schuschude la ocho, chuck

>> my guest tonight is one of the architects of the new immigration reform bill. i'll ask how he got past my border fence. please welcome via satellite chuck schumer. sir, welcome to the report! (cheers and applause) now charles schumer or should i call ucar loss schum-- carlos schumer. >> charles is good. >> for now, because we are

taping this at 2:00 in the afternoon. and you are voting on the immigration bill around what time? >> about 4:00. >> okay, 4:00 and i'm showing this to my studio audience at 7:30 but we're not broadcasting it until 11:30, so thank you for staying up late with me tonight to pretape this look back at what hadn't yet transpired in the senate later this afternoon earlier today. so what will have had happened? >> well, i believe that this comprehensive immigration bill will have passed by a very large vote, two-thirds of the senate will vote for it, almost every democrat, probably every democrat, and a large number of republicans. and we're very pleased that a large number of republicans voted for the bill. >> by the time this airs what is your estimate of how many illegal immigrants will have been granted amnesty and voted for a democrat? >> well, none yet. but you know, the bill does provide a path to citizenship because it's -- >> it's amnesty. >> well, they have to work hard and they have to learn

english. >> it's shamnesty, it's a slice of hamnesty, it's raspberry jammesty, it's wham, bam, thank you amnesty. i've got a rhyming dictionary and i am not afraid to use it. >> it's go tokai good bill for america, stephen. >> stephen: are you are surprise thaud only got 68 votes in. >> no i think we're really pleased with the number of votes we've gotten rz. >> stephen: isn't this a ploy for the democrats to get vote, isn't that the only reason you're doing this? >> well, no, the bottom line is that i believe this is one of the best thing questions do for america. >> stephen: so why don't you just prove this isn't about votes by saying right now you don't care about the latino vote. >> well, i want everybody-- . >> stephen: go away, latinos, say it, don't vote for me, me chuck schumer. >> i want to get every vote of can of everybody, that's for sure. but i'm doing this because i believe in america, i really do. and immigration has always been part of the american fabric. >> stephen: sir no one loves latinos more than i do.

they are a naturally conservative group that values faith and family. i just don't want any more of them coming in. i want the time to really appreciate the ones we already have. >> well, listen, every immigrant group that comes, when they leave their own country and they, you know, they risk their lives often times to come, that's been true through the centuries, come to a new culture, they're really hard-working dedicated people who are just seeking a better life in america has always afforded them that better life. >> stephen: how did you get so many gop senators and guys like bill o reilly to cave on this one? >> i think they're doing what they think is good for the country despite some real political adversity. >> what did you give them. what did you put in the bill to sweeten it for republicans. >> there are lots of specification provision notice bill that help people in different states but nass's good too. because in many industries we depend on immigrants to make the industries growment you take agriculture. very few americans will pick the crops. and if you don't have a good supply of immigrants, then

you won't-- then you won't have a big good farming industry and food grown here in america. >> stephen: is it the easier answer just to stop eating vegetables? many americans have already taken that path. >> i like broccoli. >> stephen: when john mccain was running for the senate the last time, everybody made fun of him for having an ad where you said build the dang fencement but now-- now you're building it, is this the dang fence? and how dang is it? >> well, it's a pretty tough fence. and it's not just a fence. we use all kinds of devices, listening devialses that can find when people cross the border illegally in the future. and they can be apprehended and turned back. it's much tougher and much stronger using a lot of the new technology than the previous attempts. >> stephen: will there be more listening devices on the mexican border or in americans telephones that the nsa is listening in on.

>> if we have our way, more on the border. >> stephen: tell me about the gang of eight. you're the leader of the gang of eight, aren't new. >> i guess john mccain and i have been called the two leaders of it, yes. >> stephen: are there other gangs on the senate floor like crypts or bloods? if you throw the wrong gang sign could john corni cut a bitch. >> no, these gangs are constructive gangs. we're trying to get democrats and republicans to come together and do some good things and if the more gangs we would be a better place. >> stephen: will senator marco rubio ultimately vote for the bill that marco rubio wrote? or will marco rubio have to make some concessions to the extreme marco rubio wing of marco rubio in order to get rubio's vote? >> he has done a good job, he really has. and he has taken a lot of arrows but he believes in this and he's doing the right thing. i think the world of him. >> do you have any sort of gang tattoos? dow get like a tear tat on your face for every bill you pass? >> we're to the going show

you our tattoos. >> stephen: was's going to happen to this bill when it gets to the house. >> i think there will be a lot of pressure on the house to actually get the bill done. i know there are a lot of conservative republican was don't want to vote for it, fine. put it on the floor of the house and let the democrats pass it with some republicans. and america will be a better place, so i'm hopeful that's what speaker boehner will eventually do. >> stephen: here's what my fellow conservatives don't trust about you democrats. we've been through this before. you talk big on security. and then like lucy you yank away the ball right as charlie brown tries to kick telephone. and worst of all it's not a football, it's a futoball. >> well, that's the kind of trigger we do have in the bill. in other words, the security mechanisms as well as the mechanisms that prevent illegals from futile legals from getting jobs, all of those things have to be in place before people can become legalized and work, those 11 million.

but they can't get their green card until those things are actually in place. >> stephen: last question, senator, the senate seems to be marginally more functional than the house of representatives these days. when you work so hard and for so long on legislation in the senate, and then send it over to the house of representatives, does that ever feel like you're nudging your fully grown child into a field full of bear traps? >> well, we're hopeful the house will rise to the occasion. this is the right thing to do as we've shown. it's not a democratic bill, it's a bipartisan bill. it's the right thing for america, has support from across the political spectrum. a lot of conservative people as you mentioned bill o'reilly and others support it. so we're hopeful the house will rise to the occasion. if i had to bet money, they will. >> stephen: thank you for joining me, senator. senator, carlos schumer, everybody. >> nice to be with you, stephen.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> that's it for the report, everybody. good night.

negative. no sign.

wait a second. i think i got him.