( cheers and applause ). >> john: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. if you're not already seeing me on my television, my stand-up series starts its new season tomorrow night. it will be on every friday at 11:00. it will be lovely if you watch it. i will understand if you don't. please join us again next week. here it is, your moment of zen. >> tourists don't know how to walk. it is-- if you come here, go faster. figure out where you're going first. yes, the buildings are tall. step over to the

captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show, everybody. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you so much. folks,-- >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i fight that. i can't fight that. ( cheers and applause ). thank you. thank you so much. please. ladies and gentlemen. thank you for being here.

this show is really about you. i am but your humble servant. and, folks, it is nice for our royal baby coverage and we can now report officially-- i've been told we can report officially his royal hyannis prince george of cambridge umbilical stump has dried up and will flake off in three to 10 days. i believe we have a picture of it. there you have it. yup, yeah. doesn't look good. that should be coming off pretty soon. of course, folks, we all remember how we first learned the joyous news. >> the first born of the royal hyannis, the duke and duchess of cambridge. the first in line for the throne. may he be long lived, happy, and

glorious, and one day reign over us. god save the queen. >> stephen: yes, london's official town crier was everything you could want, other than intelligible. the only way he could have been better is if he were real. >> the guy who became the face and the voice of the royal baby announcement appears to be a fake. a party crasher. when the town crier stepped up to announce the birth of the future king, everyone listened, assuming it was part of the pag pageantry of the birth of the future king. turns out, he was not invited by the royal family. in fact, he's not even a londoner. >> stephen: she was a fake town crier. i mean, i should have known his hat featured a code of arm with a lion and unicorn when the national coat of arms of london is two dragons.

also, the back of his jacket had "long june silver's." ( laughter ) ( applause ) it turns out, the town crier is just a royal lover named tony appleton, who is available as a master of ceremonieses at weddings, birthdays, and bar mitzvahs. ( cheers and applause ) hear ye! hear ye! hear ye! hear ye! hear ye! hear ye! hear ye! mazel, mazel. let it be known that aaron cohen has gone from boy to man. ( laughter ) now let's get it started in here with yonkers premiere hip-hop cover band the black eyed peas. god save the whole meshpuka. ( cheers and applause )

( bell ringing ) but here's the thing, folks, if this guy is not real, then i can't trust any of it. the whole royal family could be a scam! i mean, they don't do a damn thing. why should we care? in fact,un what, jimmy? i have a suspicion-- put up the photo of wiland kate and zoom in. ( laughter ) >> booyakasha. >> stephen: speaking of institutions that have outlived their usefulness-- detroit. >> now detroit has fallen on such hard times the city is filing for bankruptcy, becoming the largest u.s. city to do so >> move is unprecedented. the biggest municipal bankruptcy in american history. a major u.s. city officially declaring it cannot pay its debt estimated at $18 billion. >> stephen: $18 billion!

and detroit borrowed those billions from some pretty serious people. if they don't get paid, they've thrented to cut off michigan's thumb. ( laughter ) now, it turns out, robo cop was an optimistic view of detroit's future because the numbers tell the story. the city's population has dwibdle twd 2 million to 700,000. detroit has the highest unemployment rate in the nation, and at 73,000 abandoned buildings. knowing how far the city has fallen would have henry ford rolling over in his grave and somehow blaming the jews for it. notice, there are a lot of theories out there, about what caused detroit's decline-- manufacturing jobs going overseas. corrupt politicians. but the easiest explanation for detroit's decline is it's all the unions' fault. >> you have all these pensions and you have all this debt, and

now it's just taking them down. >> there was over-generous pensions and benefits. >> lavish pensions. >> lavish pensions. >> stephen: yes, lavish pensions, on average $19,000 a year, which detroit now says they will pay 10 cents on the dollar. but retirees, if you budget right, you can afford everything you need in detroit-- food, rent, a cue ball and a sock to fight off hungry raccoons. luckily, luckily, there is a great idea out there on how to pay detroit's creditors. >> the treasurers of the detroit institutes of art could be in danger. >> kevyn orr has warned the d.i.a. it's huge collection could end up on the auction block. >> they have van gogh, matisse, and diego rivera, which is important because it was commissioned by ford himself. >> they might have to pawn detroit's murals depicting a

socialist workers' paradise. in fact, they have received a generous offer from the museum of irony. irony. ( laughter ) now the detroit institute of art also owns a copy of rodin's "the thinker" and i might put in a bit boyd that because i need something to keep me company when i'm on the thinking chair. so, for as where detroit goes from here. who knows? this guy does. please welcome will editorial page editor of the "detroit free press," stephen henderson. mr. henderson, thank you so much for joining me. what have you got there? what's that? >> before we get started, you've been pretty hard on us in detroit. >> stephen: i've been pretty honest. >> we need your help to get out of this. so i brought you th t-shirt that sums up our attitude about the whole world. >> stephen: all right, i'll take that. >> made by a detroit vendor, available in detroit. ( cheers and applause ).

>> stephen: i notice this is a hoodie. are you trying to get me killed? >> well, i think-- i think it will be good if you don't aware it in florida. >> stephen: what happens to detroit from here? do you guys full out? >> absolutely. one of the first things they teach you when you're born in detroit-- as iefs is how to take a punch, go down, get up, brush yourself off, and say i'm still here. is that all you got? >> stephen: wait a second. wait a second. that's one of the first things they teach jew that's one of the first things. it's a tough place. >> stephen: is punch babies in detroit out of love. >> shameful but true gleel okay, $18 billion, that's how far you're down. bill gates is worth $72 billion. he could enemy in there, wave a magic wand, you have guys thought about getting malaria? ( laughter ) it can't be that far off. it can't be that far off. ( cheers and applause )

>> i haven't talked to the mayor about that, but i will suggest it. >> stephen: okay. >> on the other hand, i think we're very deserving of some sort of help of some kind. this is-- >> stephen: but we already bailed out the auto industry. how much more bailout does detroit need? >> think about it this way. detroit was the arsenal of democracy in the 1940s during world war ii. we with the the tanks and planes that make sheer you don't speak with a german accent. >> stephen: and we thanked you for that by giving you motown. >> actually, i think-- i think we gave motown to the world. >> stephen: whatever. >> but whatever. details, right. >> stephen: yeah. what can detroit do to pull itself up by its own bootstraps before we give it a bailout? doesn't detroit have to make an effort? what about selling the art from the detroit institute of art? that-- that was bought when you gierpz the fourth largest city. you don't need that much culture anymore. >> right. ( laughter ) one of the things about the

d.i.a. that's important is it's like a park or like another physical attribute of the city. selling it would prevent the city from being the great place that it could be-- >> stephen: you can keep the building. just sell off what's inside of it, you know. >> i should admit that my wife is the marketing directort museum. >> stephen: another does she have an inside scoop-- >> if you really are interested in art, i probably could get you-- >> stephen: you put this down on a picasso. >> absolutely. >> stephen: all right. maybe a lady, something with an even number of breasts, please. >> all right, all right. i'll see what i can do. ( laughter ). >> stephen: what about turning in all of detroit into sort of a williamsburg, because manufacturing seems to be leaving the united states. >> yeah. >> stephen: you know, williamsburg holds on to a little time capsule of an agrarian society. what if detroit became a time capsule of an industrial society and people could come there and

say would you like to see us weld a buick? >> that's only if you believe that manufacturing is only part of our past. i happen to believe-- and most people happen to believe it's part of our future, too. the auto companies after their bailout are back to 15.5 million units a year selling. we are rebuilding manufacturing in detroit. what we need is consistent policy from washington, consistent policy from our state capital in lansing. we need people to support us instead of turning their back on us. >> stephen: you live in detroit and also work in the newspaper industry. are you a glutton for punishment? ( laughter ) >> you might say that. i came back to detroit from washington six years ago. and people looked at me like i was insane. but it's my home. >> stephen: and maybe you wanted to live someplace less corrupt. >> a little less corrupt. it's my home. it's a place that produced me. it produce aid lot of people i know making great contributions in the city and in the country. i wanted to raise my kids there

and i'll stick by that. >> stephen: well, good luck. ( cheers and applause ). until this thing blows over, why don't you call chicago and ask if all of detroit can crash on their couch. >> well, we might have to do that. >> stephen: stephen henderson from the "detroit free press." we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

>> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. information, after liewgz the hispanic vote in 2012, the g.o.p. wants to appeal to immigrants, and the republicans' secret weapon is iowa congressman and mortuary training doll steve king. on monday, congressman king warned us about the real dangers of granting citizenships to young illegals through the dream act. >> they aren't all valedictorians. they weren't all brought in by their parents for everyone who is a valedictorian, there's another out there who weighs 130 pounds and they are hauling 77 pounds of marijuana across the desert. those people would be legalized with the same act. >> stephen: come on! we all say it behind closed doors. mex scrans calves the size of cantaloupes, all right.

or honeydues, what have you. a breakfast fruit of some kind. a papaya or particularly grarnlg grape fruit, whatever. one of the twaitz to choose who gets into this country is what size produce their muscles are. it's all about choosing the good ones. steve king knows one. >> you want a good bird dog, pick the one that is the friskiest. you get the pick of the litter, and you have yourself a pretty good bird dog. we got the pick of every dawrnd civilization on the planet. >> stephen: los latinoses were offended of the immigrants as dogs analogy. one of the people offended was friend of the show univision a.f.c.or jorge ramos. >> you recently compared immigrants to dogs. >> no, i didn't. that's a mischaracterization. >> did you watch the video? the full video? that speech was about

celebrating legal immigration. anyone that understands the language and the culture knows that if they saw the video. >> stephen: if you weren't such a foreigner, you'd get it! take the jumping beans out of your ears, pedro. try again. >> so from your point of view, you actually did not compare immigrants to dogs? >> that's-- i said that speech was about the vigor of legal immigration. it was a very complimentary speech. >> stephen: yes, when he was comparing immigrants to dogs, which he did not do, he was complimenting them. the same way i'm complimenting steve king when i call him a tool. ( cheers and applause ). meaning-- meaning-- that's a celebration, okay. meaning a useful implement with which to say roof a house. by the way, steve king believes roof is the spanish word for

hello as in roof-roof. so, please, it's not about mexicans being animals. steve king is just saying they are human beings who, if you pick the right ones, would make great pets. i've already got one digging in my yard. luis is loyal. he's a member of my family. and it's th at the first sign op dissplaishia i will send him to a farm upstate. i have a long of string beans

>> stephen: my guest was a three-term senator but she retired because she wanted to do something with her life. please welcome senator olympia snowe. ( cheers and applause ). hey, senator snowe. thank you so much for joining us. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: nice to have you here. >> it's wonderful to be here. thank you for having me. >> stephen: you were a rare creature. you were a moderate republican. >> unbelievable, isn't it? >> stephen: please tell me the smithsonian has gotten a soosmle of your d.n.a. for future breeding programs because it seems like a recessive gene in

republicans-- moderate. and that's what i love about them. what role was for you in the republican party after of as a moderate? >> well, i brought diversity to the republican party. that's what it was all about. >> stephen: as a white person from maine? ( laughter ) >> no. no, political diversity. >> stephen: oh, political diversity, sure. >> political diversity. yes, it broadened the views of the republican party and to be representative of all regions of the country. and now, unfortunately, that is not the case. although, i think there are more moderate republicans, you know, than people realize. >> stephen: are they in the closet? >> no, they-- ( laughter ) so to speak, yes. >> stephen: i'm not one of them. i'm pretty happy with the direction the republican party. i kind of like it. strength, no compromise, scrij lance. now, yu book is called, "fighting for common ground: how we can fix the stalemate in congress." -- >> you say, you know, they're not getting anything done.

getting? done, sell me on it. ( laughter ) john boehner just said he-- he just said the job of congress is not to pass laws. they should be judged by how many laws they repeal. mitch mcconnell, leader in the senate, said their number one priority was to make obama a one-term president. nowhere in that is getting something done mentioned. >> well, that's a problem. which i disagree with them on. because i think we have to solve problems. that is the purpose of being in public office. that's the essence of public service. >> stephen: note purpose of being in public office is to stay in m.l.b. office. >> no. >> stephen: you have to compromise. you have to compromise to pass laws. >> you have to compromise. yes. i'm a moderate republican. i have my strong beliefs. i've always held to my principles but i appreciate and understand other people's heartfelt views on issues but you have to work it out.

>> stephen: you can't have it both ways. >> you can't have 100% of what you want. >> stephen: madam, respectfully, you cannot have it both ways. you cannot work for the other side and raise money for your election. you can't send out an e-mail that says, "help! i need your money right away because some of my opponents' ideas are good, and i want to help them pass laws. check here to help me compromise my ideals." >> well, for those who view it that way, we have to change it. that's the problem we've got in washington right now. >> stephen: too much money? >> yes, too much money. campaign finance reform. that should be a must ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: but you filibustered-- wait. that was one of the things i agreed with you. >> you do? >> stephen: no i agreed with you when you filibustered the disclose act which was going to reveal how money gets into superpacs. >> first of all, let me say my provision was struck down by the supreme court, citizens united. so i've been a strong advocate

and proponent-- >> stephen: you don't believe i should have been able to have a superpac. >> exactly. ( laughter ) you're absolutely right. >> stephen: but corporations are people. >> how ask that help-- >> stephen: corporations are people. >> how does that help the campaigns of today? has it benefitted-- has it improved. >> the supreme said money is speech, madam. >> unfortunately, they-- they ruled that way. but it is regrettable for the country in terms of the impact it's had on elections. has it improved the outcome? >> stephen: for me it did. i raised a lot of money. over $1 million. >> to the detriment of the country that-- unfortunately, that we've moved in that direction. >> stephen: i agree. barack obama was elected. that didn't turn out well. >> no, it's not necessarily the case in terms of we're going to have different views. and people do get elected. but you know what? you have to work with those who get elected. and you have to work on both sides. and that has always been my purpose in public office.

>> stephen: why did you leave the senate then? why did you leave the senate? >> because the polarization wasn't going to diminish and i wanted to take my fight outside of the senate. that's my spartan side of my greek heritage. continue to fight. not like 300. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: 300 doesn't turn out all that well. >> no. >> stephen: senator snowe, thank you so much for joining me. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: senator olympia snowe. "fighting for common ground." we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the