[cheers & applause] >> welcome back, my nickels. [laughter] next week i tango with the evolution of dance guy. make sure you tune in to see my new stand-up special happy thoughts, premiering on the c.c. march 6th. be sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. and keep up with our daily blog over at tosh.comedycentral.com. finally, the super bowl is coming up on sunday, packers versus steelers. we actually have a highly advanced, state-of-the-art computer that can predict the outcome of super bowl 45 with 100% accuracy.

so turn the channel right now if you don't want to know who wins. alright. dallas stadium looks beautiful. the packers went up early and often, here's don makowski throwing to sterling sharpe for one of their six touchdowns. the halftime show with the black eyed peas went off without a hitch. did fergie get some work done? she looks amazing. and the route continued in the second half. bubby brister threw three interceptions, and then keith woodside zigzagged past greg lloyd for another score. has to be the greatest run in super bowl history. sorry, steeler fans, i can now guarantee that the packers will win 49-6. i think we can all agree the best thing about this year's super bowl is that the jets aren't in it. the jets are a lot like the yankees, everyone hates them, only they don't have good players, a winning tradition or a coach who doesn't beat off every time a player gets their ankle taped. we'll try to do better next time. good night canada, and tony. [cheers & applause]

captioning sponsored by comedy central onight, troubling news from the arctic. that iceberg that sunk the titanic has never been brought to justice. then how much should voters know about the candidates? i'd say more than mitt romney, less than anthony weiner. and my guest, dr. atul gawande has written about how ideas catch on. i always heard you got them from a toilet seat. cnn is offering do's and don't's for summertime sex. first don't: watch cnn. sthis is the colbert report. ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )

[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: you know, folks, you know, folks, what you just did there... [ cheers and applause ] please, folks. i've got tell you, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. that chanting of my name you just did, i don't care what anybody says, that's the song of the summer. [ cheers and applause ] nation, folks, if you watch this show you know i always bring you the hottest developments from around the world. and thanks to global warming, it don't get no hotter than the arctic because the north pole, otherwise known as the top of our planet's ice-toupee, is now

a lake. which means the actual pole itself has gone from "charming landmark" to "thing to climb for survival." which of course brings us to tonight's installment of smokin' pole: the quest for arctic riches. folks, after a month of temperatures two to five degrees higher than average, the north pole has gone from this to this. now, no surprise the ice melted. the north pole is at the top of the earth so it's closer to the sun. that's just science. this, of course, is bad news for superman who is finally out of excuses for why he's never had aquaman over. "you would hate it. it's frozen." but on the plus side, now we know why santa's been giving us

all that coal in our stockings. he wanted beach-front property. and anyone who is is alarmed by this new arctic lake, you should just relax. it's just an isolated incident that has occurredded every summer since 2003. no reason to panic. the time for panicking was 2003. way too late now. besides, this is nothing new in earth's history because warm climates extended into the arctic as recently as the eocene epoch, 56 to 4 million years ago. and people got along fine back then. technically there were no people but everything was peachy keen for paleochiropteryx, the first recognizable bat. so as our climate shifts back into that of the eocene and all

those extinct animals return to the arctic, we humans will just have to have adapt. let's sing it for santa, kids. rudolph the red nosed red horped brontotherium had a prom net nasal ridge and if you ever saw it, you would say, deared god, i'm being chased by the brontotherium natural predator andrew-sarcus, a 13-foot carnivorous dog. [ cheers and applause ] so, folks, i say let's enjoy this melting ice cap and maybe turn a buck on it. after all, that melted north pole lake sure looks refreshing. let's send some tanker trucks up there, suck it up and bottle it. we can call it "pole and springs ." and thanks to all that truck exhaust, we'll never run out. folks, our lawmakers' popularity keeps sinking faster than a

research facility at the north pole. in the latest phone survey about congress, it ranked below having your dinner interrupted by a phone survey about congress. but these numbers have nothing to do with the job that the lawmakers are doing because they are not doing it. halfway through 2013 just 15 bills passed by congress had become law. they almost passedded a 16th bill but obama refused to sign hr-2904, the "this is not another repeal of obama care, we swear but don't look inside it, just sign it" act. but you can't blame congress for how little they get done. taking a position on anything is political suicide. just look at senate minority leader mitch mcconnell. he's the most obstructionist, bill-blockin'est human law-cork ever to jam up the hauls of congress using the filibuster

413 times since 2007, twice as much as the last democratic minority which earned him the nickname "senator gridlock." yeah, good olsen tore gridlock, the kentucky constipator, the louisville plugger. but even the leader of the do-nothing congress is is now being punished for the handful of times he done did something. >> mitch mcconnell is getting primaried hard. an open letter, this is incredible to me, from 15 kentucky tea party groups said senator mcconnell's progressive, liberal voting record and his willingness to roll over and cede power to president obama and the liberals in washington prove he is no friend to the american people or the citizens of the commonwealth of kentucky >> stephen: i knew this guy was a left wing progressive loon in 2010 when he said this. >> our top political priority over the next two years should be to deny president obama a second term. disbelief so back to the lesbian

food co-op, rainbow warrior. now fortunately there's a way for lawmakers to do their jobs without consequences, and it brings us to tonight's word. [ cheers and applause ] secrets and laws. nation, like all americans, i am closely following the senate finance committee's effort to draft a new comprehensive tax reform bill. now, folks, the committee's top democrat and republican, senators max baucus and/or and n hatch are asking their senate colleagues for suggestions on the new tax code. what should be dedubt i believe? what should the top tax rate be? but these senators know it is too risky for the other senators to be public about their public policy so they assuredded lawmakers that any submission they receive will be kept under lock and key by the committee and the national archives until the end of 2064.

that's right. no one will see the senators' opinions on the tax code for 50 years. and by then, folks, the senators will all be dead. now, to further guarantee privacy, baucus and hatch have offered to give each submission its own i.d. number, keep it on password-protected servers and store printedded versions in locked safes. this level of secrecy will give the senators the freedom to do the people's business. that way, they can represent the voters without pressure from the lobbyists or represent the lobbyists without pressure from the voters. it could go either way. we'll find out in 2064. of course, the only danger is if the tax bill somehow later comes up for a vote, then members of

congress will be in the perilous position of supporting their own ideas. which is is why i believe we must offer congress even more safety by hiding their identities in the legislative protection program. this way, they will be given new names, new cover jobs. mitch mcconnell can now vote his conscience as greek orthodox priest milos mcconnelopolous and so can harry reid or should i say sushi chef haruki reidamoto. now at some point folks might notice all these priests and chefs hanging around the capitol building which is why we must relocate congress somewhere where it can never be found, thousands of miles under a mountain guarded by rivers of magma and armed mole men. of course, to ensure the ultimate in legislative privacy, we should probably change all

voting booths to have redacted ballots. instead of pull ago lever, you just throw a dart. now, i don't think americans would notice a difference at this point because if our lawmakers get to make their policy suggestions in secret, we don't know who we're voting for anyway. and that's the wore. we'll be right back. çuçuçu;u:u:w

[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. very nice. welcome back. nation, i love humility. and i am proud to say that i am as humble or more humble than anyone else out there. you think you're humbler than me? [bleep] you. i'm the king of humility. so i am a huge fan of first-term texas senator and guy with josh groban on his workout mix ted cruz. senator cruz's very public outspokenness has made him a thorn in the side of the g.o.p. leadership but they haven't told the press about their displeasure because whenever they get near a camera, ted cruz is already in front of it. recently cruz sat down with abc's jonathan carl to explain what keeps him so darned modest. >> you argued a case before the supreme court at age 32.

>> it's an extraordinary opportunity to stand before the u.s. supreme court. takes your breath away. we didn't have a prayer. we were not going to win that case. i stood up and for 30 minutes there was not a single friendly question. i have always like the fact that i sit in my office and i look at a giant painting of me getting my tail whipped 9-0. it is very good for instilling humility. >> stephen: yes, i have to tell you i don't know what part of this painting comes off as more humble. is it the hypothetical of halo surrounding his head or is it his look toward heaven? or is it all of the people in this painting of him would are painting more paintings of him? in fact... ( applause ) in fact, ted cruz is so humble he doesn't even mention what noble cause he championed before the supreme court that day. this modest hero argued that texas should be allowed to back out of a legal settlement in

which it had vowed to improve health care services for poor children. you know what? no wonder he looks so christ-hike in that painting. we all remember the story of jesus promising to multiply loafs and fishes for the poor. then backing out of it on legal grounds. i mean all that raw fish sitting out in the desert sun? i mean, sashimi in israel? come on, that's just a food poisoning lawsuit waiting to happen. folks, it's no wonder i like ted cruz so much because i too like to keep my ego in check by having portraits done of myself. for instance, this wall-sized mural of me winning just one of the emmys i was nominated for in 2010. [ cheers and applause ] you know what? you know what? it could be 2008. i've won a couple of times.

anyway, it just keeps me humble. or the time i was cutting down a tree limb that was hanging over the driveway. it fell on me which was pretty embarrassing so i had it commemorated on canvas in a piece entitled "the passion of the stephen." a little note to any freehs watching. this act of humility is also available in stained glass. we'll be right back. tr%ñ4 4 #pà

[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the author of a new yorker article called "slow ideas." in a month i'm going to know what i think of it. please welcome atul gawande. thank you. good to see you again. it's been a few years. >> not that long stephen: what? it's been a little while. you came here to tell us about checklists and how they can make our lives a better place, keep doctors from killing people, leaving sponges in patients and stuff like that. you still use a checklist? >> yes stephen: me too. tonight i'm checking off dr. atul gawande. for the people who don't know you're a surgeon, you're a professor at harvard medical school and the harvard school of public health. you also write for the new yorker. you've got a new article called

"slow ideas: some innovations spread fast. how do you speed the ones that don't?" here's one idea of how to speed things up. shorter titles. ideas get right across, okay. what do you mean? if an idea is good, won't it naturally just spread fast? >> you would think so. stephen: i do. 19th century i started with lots of ideas but two. one is the idea of discovery of anesthesia, freedom from pain during surgery >> stephen: like ether or color form. >> exactly. right around that same thing, ant septics, lister showing the way to stop infections >> stephen: spraying listerine around the room. >> anesthesia spread in weeks on to every capital around europe. it was across the united states in every hospital in seven years >> stephen: nobody wants to be in pain. >> you don't want infection stephen: but you can't see infection. >> you want instant gratification not only if you're

a patient, you're free from pain. but if you're the surgeon you don't have a screaming parity on the table >> stephen: or if you're a drug addict, you can pour it on if rug in your car and be high as you drive down the highway. i saw that in a book. >> or in a horse buggy in the 19th century >> stephen: sure. the antiseptic was listerine was basedded on car bolic acid way was the antiseptic >> stephen: that sounds scary. it burned your hand. you literally not only you're delaying a bug you can't see, germs you can't see, a problem that won't appear for a few days but you had to go through pain in order to have it. that is the story of many slow ideas that you have to not only delay gratification. but it's painful up front for a great consequence later on. like sex. >> stephen: your point is that these ideas should be slow?

>> no stephen: okay, good. because i want immediate gratification. i want like an app on my phone that i can just hit and go what's a good idea? and it tells me what the good idea is. then i adopt that idea as a good idea and don't have to put any thought into it. >> we've so overvalued the idea of apps or incentives to get people to do the right thing, another example we're working with is in some countries like in india where you have deaths in childbirth there are very basic things from hand washing to putting the baby directly on to the skin of the mom to warm the baby up cuts the death rate by a third >> stephen: is is it just medicine? >> it's not just medicine. it's across the board that what you see over and over again is is what the most powerful force for changing, whether people change their norms and standards is not whether you pay them, not whether you penalize them but whether you talk to them. people talking to people. they know whether they're

actually doing this themselves. do you trust and know someone who is doing this? then you change >> stephen: this is how gay marriage spread. it's because that was a slow idea, right? people did not accept that because it's against god's law. but eventually gay people got to know so many people or so many people got to know gay people that eventually you said, well, i'm against, you know, gay rights but not, you know, not brian and allen. they seem like good guys. i'd love them to be happy together. that's how they crept into our hearts. right? that's a slow idea. isn't it? >> and it worked exactly the way you described. it wasn't an app or an incentive program. it was people talking to people and moving an idea >> stephen: that's what it's going to take for me to accept global warming. it all happened up there on the top of the globe and i don't see it happen. very theoretical to me. but if polar bears were going door to door, knocking and

saying excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about the global warming crisis? and about our lord jesus christ? i think listen. they might be able to change my mind. but short of that, isn't global warming a hard sell? >> yes. here is an exact kind of flow idea because what we have to do now is painful to solve these problems, whether it's a carbon tax or conservation or any of a number of options for dealing with global warming for the delayed gratification of saving the planet >> stephen: now you write about innovation. >> yeah stephen: why write about innovation in a magazine? ( applause ) because i still believe in being able to talk to people and be able to change minds >> stephen: language is the ultimate slow idea. thank you so much for joining me.

[ cheers and applause ] from the new yorker, dr. ahul hul. we'll be right back. éc!p.,@

[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: that's it for the report, everyb captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome to the daily show. my name is john oliver. i'm still sitting in for jon stewart. he is waiting at home for time warner to come fix his cable.

they said they'd be there between noon and 2:00 on june 10. frankly he's still waiting there. our guest tonight from project runway, mr. tim gunn is with us. [ cheers and applause ] a glorious human being. but we start tonight with justice. now earlier this summer we heard a lot about the supreme court which likedded gay marriage but not southern minorities' ability to vote for it. but there are other much less supreme courts. did you know that you are sitting in one right now? that's right. it's time for tonight's installment of judge johnny. bail live, shoot that man. >> you are about to enter the courtroom of judge johnny oliver. >> melissa, please pass your knives and go. >> he's not legally trained. his understanding of the judicial system is based entirely on reruns of night court. >> all right, boys, hit the showers. >> his decisions are generally

bad. this is judge johnny. [ cheers and applause ] >> court is in session. jason jones, please call tonight's first defendant. >> judge johnny, the people call the halliburton corporation. you may know them as dick cheneys former company that was awarded sweetheart deals in iraq, bribed nigerian officials, pled guilty to violating the libyan embargo in the '90s and was still doing business with iran as late as 2007. they've dodged justice so far, but we'll see if those shenanigans hold up in front of judge johnny. >> thanks, jason. so, i see that this case concerns the after math of the b.p. deep water horizon oil spill. what's the charge? >> cement used by halliburton contractors to seal the b.p. well against explosive gases was unstable. both companies knew this two months before the disaster. >> the evidence that was destroyed was part of several simulations conducted in this

post incident examination. snop poor planning leading to major destruction followed by lying and cover-ups? it's hard to believe that this man ever had anything to do with halliburton. well, strap in, everyone. we're probably looking at a long court battle if halliburton tries to snake their way out of this. >> halliburton energy services has agreed to plead guilty to destruction of evidence. the justice department says the company has agreed to pay the maximum available fine. >> john: wow, the maximum available fine. what is that? a bajillion dollars plus infinity hours of community service, writing a handwritten apology note to every living creature affected by the spill? judge johnny approves of this. but just out of curiosity, what actually is the maximum fine? >> the maximum statutory fine in this case, that is $200,000. >> john: $200,000? so you can ruin the gulf coast