captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> that's our show, thank you for watching and or listening. my sendoff show episode 12 is on tomorrow night, on comedy central. we'll be here all next week. please join us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> once i got the opportunity, i was in business. so kids i want to you listen up. never talk a good job down.

. >> tonight shocking news out of bit mo, something got out of gitmo. then san diego's mayor get as caused of gross sexual misconduct. in a related story the san diego zoo is expecting a baby panda. and my guest brian cranston stars in the final season of breaking bad but don't worry the story c ontinues in america's crippling meth epidemic. (laughter) science can now grow teeth from stem cells found in ur-- urine so careful next time your dentist says open wide. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central

( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> welcome to the report. thank you. for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, it's incredible. do you feel the energy! do you feel the power at my fingertips? these people ready to fight for freedom. folks, thank you so much. thank you so much. please, sit down, everybody. i'm sorry, that kind of love. i had to stand there i thought somebody was carving me for a monument. now nation for the last month i have been hot on the trail of nsa leaker edward snowden. he has eluded authorities by hiding out in a moscow airport. i knew we should have signed an extra decision treaty

with au bon pain. well now, folks, this cybertraiter has flown the airport. more than a month after landing atmos you could's airport ed snowden now is on the move for the first time. the nsa leaker said to be leaving the airport, officially entering russia after being granted temporary asylum. >> stephen: yes, he has got answer sigh lum in russia where vladimir putin shares snowden's passion for transparency. and folks there is startling new information on the nsa's secret surveillance programs. it turns out even as he was on the run snowden had time to stop and take another leak. so let's get into the nitty-gritty details-- i'm sorry, i'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we will have to wait. i'm getting an oppressed white male alert. repeat. i have an oppressed white male alert.

tonight's victim san diego mayor bob fillner. (laughter) >> stephen: he's being accused of sexual harassingment by eight different women as well as anyone looking at this picture right now. (laughter) now the details, the details are a little disturbing so if you have children in the room, they're about to grow up real quick. >> kissing, groping, lewd comment, sexual harassment. those are the allegations. >> workers refer to one of his alleged mos as the quote fillner head lock. >> he puts his arm around their shoulder, pulls it in tighter around her neck, oftentimes pulling close to their face. and tell them you're wonderful. you're beautiful. i want to kiss. >> the college administrator lisa curtain said fillner touched her wedding band during a meeting and what happened next shocked her. >> he reached over to kiss me. i turned my head, at that moment, and on the side of my face i got a very wet,

saliva-filled kiss including his tongue on my cheek. >> bob fillner's former communications director says he asked her to work without wearing underwear. >> stephen: okay, okay, that sounds bad. but we have no reason to think fillner wasn't also willing to work workio underwear. okay, that's called equal access. well now communications director irene mccormack jackson has filed a harassment suit saying fillner is not fit to hold any public office that is outrageous. if he is fit enough to hold a woman half his age in a head lock, i think he's fit enough to hold public office. now mayor fillner has already expressed regret and told univision san diego exactly how he feels. >> i brought this on through my own personal frailities. and the biggest monster right now you know, is inside me. >> stephen: yes. bob fillner says he has the

biggest monster inside him. adding would you like my little monster inside you? well, bob fillner is not taking this lying down or pinned against the office supply room door. he is fighting back by pointing out that he is the real victim here. >> fillner wants san diego taxpayers to pay his legal fees in a lawsuit that one of the women has filed against him. >> an attorney for embattled san diego mayor bob fillner is blaming the city for the mayor's legal troubles. he says that fillner never received sexual harassment training, which is required by the state of california. >> stephen: that's right, it's true. it is san diego's fault that bob fillner harassed those women because he wasn't properly trained. (laughter) it's the same way it would be their fault if he killed someone because they never provided don't murder training. and folks it's all about the training. for example, when i first started this show my parent

company viacom informed me i have to provide sexual harassment training for my employees. then after some complaints, they informed me that it had to be anti-sexual harassment training. (laughter) >> okay, again, it's complicated. but now, folks, i'm an expert. you could say i'm a black belt in sexual harassment. and it's important that i wear the belt otherwise my robe falls open. so to help learn whether sexual advances are welcome or unwelcome let's head over to the grab ask 5800. (cheers and applause) welcome to the grab ask 5800 which-- for purpose of this demonstration, is a don't touch-screen. (laughter) now i will not touch the

don't touch-screen because i have not been invited to. even though, let's face it, it's clearly asking for it i mean-- (laughter) i mean come on p am i crazy. am i the only one getting a vibe here. i means what's up, screen? okay. see? that's our first lesson. i mean i clearly misinterpreted the screen's intentions. i should have asked first, touch-screen, may i put my hands on you? okay, great. now si have a lot of sympathy for bob fillner because the sexual rules of the modern workplace are a byzantine maze of capricious nuance. for instance, let's say you feel the desire to tongue your coworker's face during a meeting. (laughter) what do dow? not so simple, is it? that's why i have devised a foolproof system i called don't, okay. it's a handy knew mondayic device.

the d stands for don't. (laughter) and-- (applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you. thank you. and the rest of the letters are just a bonus. you don't need those. those can go. okay. (laughter) here's how it works. the next time, the next time you're with a coworker and you're thinking i want to ask her not to wear panties while putting her in a head lock and growning her-- groping her boo b's, stop, reassess, apply the system and don't. (laughter) (cheers and applause) all right? folks, just stick to these guidelines and before you know it you will have sexual harassment licked, in which case you'll need some more training. we'll be right back.

welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. folks, thanks for joining us again. ladies and gentlemen, i do not want to alarm you but danger is afoot. and if you have two feature's in twice as much danger. this is the threatdown. you know, folks, with all that is going on in our lives it's easy to forget about terrorists. especially the ones locked up indefinitely at gitmo. well, folks, will you not forget this. >> forget the koran, the terrorists at gitmo can't get enough of 50 shades of gray. >> according to jim moran a democrat from virginia part of a congressional delegation, went down to gitmo and he was told yup, number one book for them-- . >> stephen: i always knew terrorists hated us for our freedom. now they love us for our bondage. which brings me to threat number three, global erotic extremism. folks, it's no surprise.

if you are's looking to turn back the clock on women's roles in society, it's hard to beat 50 shades of gray. i mean at least sharia law does not contain passages like my nipples harden and he long gate from the assault. that's interesting. because mine just receded completely inside me. i think they're poking out my back right now. well, this settles it, nation. i'm finally on board with shutting down gitmo because the only thing nor disturbing than american detaining and torturing prisoners is the possibility that they're getting off on it. (laughter) next, folks, i love coloring books. fact i'm in a coloring book club. this month's selection is dora the explorer jumbo coloring and activity book. oh my god, how am i supposed to get through this by friday. that's why i was shocked when the pickens county georgia republican party alerted me to something truly ter few on the crayola web site. visit crayola.com's free

coloring pages and the first items on islamic from the ram dan section. and recall-- ramadan and recall that muslims consider ramadan the month of jihad and the month of victory over infidels. crayola should remind kids no to the try and draw mohammed les their parents need to fend off muslim and enter witness relocation. oh, oh t happened. it happens far too you have a en, folks. remember harold and the purple crayon? well they're now living at murray and the periwinkel pencil in boise, idaho. worst of all f there are islamic coloring books, that means there might be islamic kids. which brings me to threat number two, minimuslims. and how am i supposed to stay terrified of all muslims when some of them are small and giggle when you pick them up. i mean this just reminded us that before creeping sharia comes crawling share ya,ed to elling sharia and

skipping sharia. soon they're chanting in the streets death to bedtime. finally i don't know if i have mentioned it before folks but i'm anti-bear. not a fan. and recently a hidden wildlife camera in an alberta national park showed us what these killing machine does when they think that no one is watching. yeah. kind of adorable but jim, play it again and this time drop the needle. >> which brings me to the number one threat to america stripper bears. nation, folk. these godless twerking machines are turning their forests into their very own

episode of grizz gone wild because look what happens next. ♪ girls, girls, girls ♪ girl, girls, girls ♪. >> stephen: who could resist these hot stripper bears. i mean they're topless and bottomless. so they really should consider waxing. but think about it, you meet one of these ursine beauties at your body's bachelor party and you think you're really conducting, you know, but to her it's all about business and just when your hopes are up she rips your heart out and then rips your face off. (laughter) we'll be right back. ÷

>> stephen: welcome back, my guest tonight plays a chemistry teacher-- please welcome brian cranston. thanks for coming on, man. thank soches for being here, we're enormous fans in this building. >> thank you very much. >> you got quite the resume, young man. >> thank you, sir. >> emmy award-winning actor, writer, director, played hall in malcolm in the middle. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: coming up we've

got the second half of the final season of breaking bad. >> yeah. >> stephen: before we get to that i want to show people something. you were a come i con this year but people didn't know. >> even when i was on the panel. >> stephen: take a look, put this up there. this is you walking around comic con. >> yes. >> stephen: was this so you could enjoy comic con. >> it was-- landon mire built this. he is a breaking bad fan and that is a mask. it looks kind of like i have elephantitis a little bit. >> stephen: you look a little bit like james lipton from inside the actor's studio. >> yes. >> and then you did the power rangers. >> stephen: were you a power ranger?

you were a power ranger. >> i did a lot of the voice overs. i wasn't a power ranger. >> i was one of those monsters who would go you can defeat me. so now kind of we know where highsenberg comes from. >> that was the birth of heisenberger. >> stephen: you were the danger back then. >> yeah. >> stephen: so let's talk about the upcoming second half of the final season we had 9 creator on here, amazing guy. he cold me, you know what happened. and i would-- sdechlt and i was shocked. you were shocked and what is it? >> so then you already know that-- has a sex change operation. are people trying to weedel this out of you right now. >> and i can be bought off,

really, i'm waiting for the right price. >> stephen: it is basic cable. >> and are you a capitalist. >> stephen: yes this is the thing. this is the thing. i love walter white, okay. because he's kind of a hero to me. >> is he. >> stephen: yeah, small businessman. made good. >> right. >> helps the local economy. >> yeah. >> absolutely. he's a job creator. i like the way are you thinking. does very well how are you going to make this a happy ending. not going to be easy, i'm sure. >> well, the ending is actually very satisfying for breaking bad fans. it's unapologetic, very breaking bad. we hug, we kiss, we forgive each other, we sing cum buy ya. >> stephen: are you going to miss walter white. >> definitely. >> stephen: are you going to miss albuquerque. >> yes, absolutely. every time i think of new mexico and albuquerque it represents that show.

and it's the greatest professional experience of my life, so yeah. >> stephen: so far. >> so far. we don't know. >> stephen: you were already a big deal, you know from malcolm in the middle. everybody knew who you were. (applause) the characters are very similar. >> still getting aplaus the second time you mentioned it. >> stephen: the characters are very similar. can we show how similar the characters are from malcolm in the middle and-- there you go. those are the two. >> yeah. >> stephen: now why-- what is it that appeals to you about being in the manties. >> basically it comes down to this, at some point you just have to give the public what they want. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: is this your idea, as an actor does this

do anything to be -- >> it doesn't do anything for you? >> i meant as an actor, not an audience member. >> it was in both scripts. ironically. that hall wore tidy whitey underwear and so did walter white. i didn't know why until i figured out he's still a boy. and he doesn't care any more so that's why i went with it and it's also sad when you look at that underwear, it's sad. and then i gained weight. to gain weight to get the love handles and the softness, it's like you feel for that poor bastard, don't you? >> stephen: it's like stairing in a mirror. you played the part for five seasons now. >> yeah, five seasons. >> stephen: how long does it take you to get into psycho mode at this point or you can turn it on at a moment's notice. >> you know f someone pushes my buttons i can get into it really quickly.

>> stephen: i really should have agreed on a safe word before we started. brian cranston, thank you for being here. august 11th is when it starts. >> august 11th. >> we can't look forward to it and we-- we can't. we can't look forward to it because that means it will come here and then it will eventually be over. >> oh, but all bad things come to an end, don't they. >> stephen: yes, and i'm sure it will be in a good way. brian, thank you so much. brian cranston, breaking bad. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: last season. we'll be right back.

>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody, good night