the "new england journal of are you going to finish that?." now, folks, i do not spracken ze italiano, so while i was overseas, i couldn't really get much out of the news, but from what i could make out, president obama wanted to drop miley cyrus on damascus. [laughter] which, correct me if i'm wrong, correct me if i'm wrong... [cheering and applause] i believe that's a war crime. [laughter] but, folks, i have since learned that the real story was about chemical weapons in syria. >> the united states government now knows that at least 1,429 syrians were killed in this attack, including at least 4the 4the -- 426 children. this is the indiscriminate, inconceivable horror of chemical weapons. >>

>> stephen: the united states has no choice but to attack syria because dictator bashar al-assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. before he was just killing them with bullets, but if america cared about shooting people, we'd be invading chicago. [laughter] now, folks... [cheering and applause] this story... this story is slowly developing. we will have more on it one assumes. [laughter] but first, folks... [laughter] [engine revs] [cheering and applause] oh, hi. you just caught me practicing my favorite pastime, motoring. i don't really go anywhere. i just start the fuel-injected

v8 under my desk and breath in the fumes. of course, what would american motoring be without general motors, which was the [bleeped]. by the way, this is... this is what happens when you take off your actual glasses. [laughter] and put on goggles. which was founded and the subject of the 73rd installment of my 434-part series, better know a district. tonight michigan's 5th, the fightin' 5th. of course, michiganders identify locations in their state by where it sits on the michigan mitten. the 5th lies right here in what science refers to as the thumb crotch. [laughter] now, many people know the 5th from michael moore's

1989 comery about flint michigan, "roger & me," which was followed by his other famous films "fahrenheit 9-11 & me," "sicko & me" and "capitalism: a love story & me, me, me!" in its heydey, flint's general motors plant produced such classic cars such as the '53 corvette, which now sells for as much as $215,000, or for the same price, you can now buy flint. of course, most people remember general motors for its popular mr. goodwrench ad campaign. i wonder whatever happened to that guy. he had so much promise. [cheering and applause] yes. he had so much promise and so little body fat. [laughter] when in the 5th, be sure to check out longway planetarium, michigan's largest stargazing

facility if you don't could the sky, and just who has the spark plug to represent this district? why it's none other than freshman democratic congressman dan kildee. i sat down with representative kildee in his washington office. congressman kildee, thank you so much for talking to me today. >> thank you, stephen. >> tell me about the fightin' 5th. >> it's my home. i was born and raised in the city of flint. >> stephen: here's a campaign idea. first one's free. promise to bring all the manufacturing jobs back to your district. >> hmmm. okay. >> stephen: all of them. >> that's a tough promise to make. >> stephen: it would be an amazing promise. everyone would go, holy [bleeped]. this guy is promising all my jobs back. let's do this thing. have you done that? >> i'm not sure i can promise something i can't deliver.

>> stephen: why not deliver it? >> i don't know. >> stephen: the autoworkers' presence has a -- union has a strong presence, why do we need a union, and i'll wait while you take your break. speak to my concerns. >> i'm sure you're concerned about workplace safety. >> stephen: i'm concerned about reproductive rights, but thank you. >> workplace safety, wages. >> >> stephen: i'm also a la tee no. >> you should have all your rights respected. >> stephen: latina. i'm a lesbian. and i'm from minnesota. i can't vote for you. >> that's okay. you can come to michigan. >> >> stephen: i'm sold. >> welcome to the fightin' 5th. >> stephen: i cannot vote because i am a felon. okay. let's change the subject. madonna is from the district. >> she is. >> stephen: congressman, do

you vote? >> i don't know if i do or not. >> stephen: have you ever vogued? >> i don't think i have. >> stephen: congressman, may i vogue you? ♪ come on let's vogue let your body ♪ move to the music hey, hey, hey ♪ the 5th is one of america's lead progress deucers of sugar beets. >> it is. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: one assumes. explain the bold decision to get away from the automobiles and go with the 5th most popular root vegetable. without sugar beets, what happens? >> well, we wouldn't have sugar. >> stephen: why not just use sugar cane? >> because it's good sugar and it's reasonably priced. >> stephen: want to do some? >> i'll do some sugar. >> stephen: all right.

mmm, mmm, mmm. pure, untouched saginaw sugar right there. where are my manners. i'm sorry. would you like some? >> i'll have some. mmm. mmm. >> stephen: whoo! so this is your first year in congress? >> yes. >> stephen: let's discuss your predecessor. >> all right. >> stephen: this is the dan kildee era. who was the guy before you? >> dale kildee. >> stephen: sorry? >> dale kildee. >> stephen: that's very similar >> he's my uncle. >> stephen: that's like nepotism. do you hear stuff like, i wish dale kildee would come back, i hate you. that's not hard for you to hear? >> i don't hear that very often. >> stephen: okay. they're whispering it then. you claim you're a staunch supporter of the second

amendment. >> i am a supporter of the second amendment. >> stephen: are you packing right now? >> no. >> stephen: what if someone pulled a knife on you, give me your wallet. wouldn't you want a gun then? >> new york i don't carry a gun. >> stephen: you don't carry a gun? >> no. >> stephen: congressman, give me your wallet. >> no, you can't have my wallet. >> stephen: i have a knife. >> i see that. >> stephen: does this not mean anything to you? this is never a good sign when this happens. see this? [cheering and applause] come on, man, give me your wallet, congressman no gun. do you have your wallet? >> i do. [laughter] congressman, thank you so much for talking to me today. >> thank you. may i have my wallet back? >> stephen: we're out of time. let's put michigan's 5th up on the big board. [cheering and applause] oh, it looks like someone burned down flintd for the insurance money. we'll be right back.

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the archbishop of new york, a cardinal and a middle middle eat i just call him chief. please welcome his emfinance, timothy cardinal dolan.

[cheering and applause] hey, thanks so much. >> oh, that's very nice. >> stephen: i got to get myself a nice big ring if you're going to be kissing my hand now. >> not a bad idea, stephen. >> stephen: cardinal dolan, thank you so much for being on. >> my honor on your first night back. good to be with you. >> you're cardinal of the roman catholic church, the 10th archbishop of new york, the president of the conference of catholic bishops. you're the second most famous catholic in america next to myself. >> all right. there you go. >> stephen: you have a new e book called praying in rome, reflection on the conclave and electing pope francis, so this blows the lid off the papal conclave. >> well, there's really not much to say. i lost. that's the main thing. but thanks for... you and my mom are the only two that have referred to this. this is great. >> stephen: you'll get the colbert bump.

this is going to be the number-one church-based e-book. >> i'll take it. >> stephen: i would swear to god, but... all right. okay. you were in there. what's it like, for the people who haven't been in there, and that's everybody except you cardinals, nobody here but us cardinals, when the doors shut and they put that seal on there, what's first thing that happens in that room? do you guys smoke 'em if you got 'em? what's going on there? >> i tell you, the first thing we do is pray, and we pray hard because do we ever need help because we're not up to the task, so we ask for the inspiration of the holy spirit, and i think the spirit comes through. they told us, stephen, they said, look, the holy spirit has already chosen the new pope, you guys just got to figure out who he's chosen, which isn't a bad explanation of what goes on in the conclave. so we pray and asking for guidance. >> >> stephen: is there ouija or anything like that? >> no tea leaves or anything. >> stephen: no chicken bones? >> new york we're not into

voodoo. so tell me about the first round. >> as an historian, i don't think so. people have been elected the first day after two or three ballots. there's four ballots a day, two in the morning, two in the afternoon. there's been popes elected the first day, but i don't think the first ballot. >> because on the first ballot you got to imagine everybody's voting for themselves, just in case, maybe there is wave behind me i don't know about. >> i think st. peter had it pretty easy. he was appointed first pope by jesus. he got it pretty easy. after that... >> stephen: now, you did not get the gig, as i said. i was pretty nice because i had $50 on it. [laughter] did you vote for the guy who eventually got the gig, pope francis. >> well, i can't say that. >> stephen: why not? >> we can't say who we voted for. >> stephen: so you're saying it's not unanimous.

>> but i'm glad he got it. i think we did a good job, don't you? you were just over there, but there is a new spirit. >> stephen: let me be clear, he is the vicar of christ. >> yes. >> stephen: he is our direct connection to st. peter, who is appointed the head of the church by our lord whilst he walked the earth in his flesh. >> you got it right. >> i don't care for the guy. okay. >> he loves you, stephen. he cares for you and loves you. >> stephen: it's unrequieted at the moment. i tell you what, here's the thing, he's too soft. he's too soft on sin for me, this new pope. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: you heard what he said about atheists. >> what did he say? >> stephen: he said that even atheists are redeemed by christ. even atheists. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: sorry. we usually screen these people. if even atheists are redeemed by christ, why have i been going to

mass on sunday. i could have gotten another nine holes in. i don't want... look, what do you think that means? >> look, you don't go to mass to win heaven, right? you go to mass to ask god for help to get there. you don't go to win heaven because we can't earn it. it's a gift. it's given to all of us, even atheists. >> stephen: i don't always know why i'm going to mass. >> but i'm glad you do. >> stephen: i'm usually glad i did. you know what, we've got to take a little break. can you stick around? >> i'll be happy to. this grapa is great from italy. you brought some back. >> stephen: that's pure grapa. it's like jet fuel. you'll be dancing on the take by the time we're done. we'll be back with tire ti

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with timothy cardinal dolan who has a new e-book

called "praying in rome, reflections on the conclave and electing pope francis." i was just over in rome. amazing. one thing that i didn't care for was st. peters because it was so crowded with people hoping to catch a glimpse of this new pope. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: why do you think this guy is drawing a crowd? >> well, he's down to earth, he's simple, he's sincere. what you see is what you get. he because great archbishop of buenos aires, which is one of the... >> stephen: but he's not wearing the gold. he's not on the big golden throne. when i see him, i put my buck in the collection plate on sunday, that's for production value. i want to see like an "iron man 3" production value when i go there. >> whatever he is or is not wearing, he sure seems to be doing well popularity wise. he's marketing the message, and i use marketing in the best sense of the word. we say eadvantageization, but he's a pro at it, isn't he? >> stephen: marketing like

matthew, luke and john. okay, another thing i got a problem, with and i hate to make you answer for the guy you did or did not vote for. >> okay. >> stephen: but he also said that he was asked about homosexuality and said, who am i to judge? >> uh-huh. >> stephen: you are the pope to judge. [cheering and applause] but aren't we supposed to? what is declaration of sin nor sin except a jerusalem? >> no, well, we can never judge person, right? we can judge action, but we can't judge persons. jesus told us that. so he's repeating the timeless teaching of the bible that we can never judge another human being. i can't judge bernie madoff. i don't like what he did. i can judge the actions. but i couldn't judge his heart or soul. >> stephen: but i'm a pundit. if i don't judge anyone, i don't get a check. >> you got ratings to take care of, and i hope i help. but he's not. he leaves that up to the lord. the lord is the supreme judge.

i don't have any right to judge. >> stephen: what do you think about the fact that we've got benedict, can i still call him pope benedict. >> sure you can. >> stephen: you've got pope benedict and pope francis at the same time. we have a spare pope right now. pope benedict made you a cardinal. >> he did indeed. >> stephen: he made you a cardinal. do you think francis looks and you and goes, you're one of bennie's boys. no, no, no, back of the pope-mobile for you. >> we all are. we all are. he hasn't made any yet. so i'd like to think he'd say he was part of the conclave that elected me. >> is this the first conclave you ever went to? >> first conclave ever. >> stephen: after francis is out, whenever... >> i hope it's a long time. >> stephen: i hope it's a long time. i hope it's a retirement. >> okay. >> stephen: we get somebody in there that i am more simpatico with. if you were to be made pope, what name would you choose?

[applause] stephen. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. cardinal timothy dolan, we'll be right back. çuçuçu;u:u:uçuuuuzuuçuçuçuço

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org nation. now, before we say good night, i would like to say hello to the newest member of the colbert nation, little emeesa mac rosta, daughter of my crack researcher jen rosta. now, jen, i've been doing some baby research for you on yahoo answers. now, did you know it helps the bonding process if the entire family sleeps in the child's crib? and that a baby can get all its required nutrients from a wendy's frosty? it's true.

[laughter] it's yahoo-true. of course, the best way to ensure a child's health is for the mother to return to work immediately. please, jen, i don't know anything without you. good ni captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon is back! >> hey, stubies! >> hey! >> baby. >> mmm. force [speaking in foreign

language] >> how are you doing? >> mush, mushka! >> oh (bleep)! >> we have a huge problem. >> what? >> hey, no, i don't know is back. the middle east has changed him. he is not even acting american. get a defibrillator and two big macs. let's do this. >> okay. ah! >> hey, jon. >> clear! >> obamacare can suck pollen bee's (bleep). >> it is politically correct -- can't we say that word? >> open that thing. it locks. hear me, oh children of israel! >> ha, ha, ha!

>> bicycle! >> ha, ha, ha! >> is that a heineken? >> oh, no. >> okay. okay. we need to fix this. >> hello. >> yes. we need you down here now. >> isolate him and i will be right there. >> thank you very much. i appreciate it. >> i will break this man and no matter what you hear, no matter what moans of agony you hear, do not open that door. >> i promise. >> oh, my