>> jon: that's our show, join us next week at 11 p.m. here it is, your moment of zen. >> no, he has every right to, this is america. >> are you going to forgive him? >> of c captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight who will be the next mayor of new york? quinn, de blasio or 200 rats in a man suit? then good news for gun owners, or any kind of news

you want. you're the one with the gun. and my guest is grammy award-winning acoustic ledgend john prin, after the colbert bump, maybe he'll have enough money to buy an electric guitar. happy rosh hashanah, which we all know is the jewish holiday of i have no idea. my riders all left early. this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us ladies and gentlemen, i've got to say --

>> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what can i say. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. folks, folks, i want to thank you and thank you for letting me latch on to you like an emotional lamprey an suck the joy from your young vital bodies until they are as dry as a crouton. (laughter) >> stephen: because folks, there's a lot of depressing news out there. chemical weapons in syria, radiation in fukushima, breaking bad is ending. even worse, i'm starting to think that hank and walt may not end up together. (laughter) well, folks, you know when i need a little pick me up, i always dip into stephen colbert's smile file. tonight's smile file, ariel

castro. (laughter) now folks, you might be saying stephen ariel castro is a vial monster whose suicide this week is just the darkened to a dark life. how can anything associated with that man possibly make me smile? that's what i thought. until i tuned in to fox news's the five starring eric bolling who always cease the glass as half full. >> ariel castro the pedophile piece of you know what who held three girls captive in cleveland for decades was convicted and sentenced to life plus 1,000 years behind barings, last night the cow ward hung himself far short of the the 33 kerr -- years, he spent 33 years, think of the tax dollar dollar-- taxpayer dollars he saved. here is the 3457, ariel dos tro, life expectancy of 79, 30 grande year, $780,000 taxpayer dollars we saved by him hanging himself.

>> stephen: that's a good point. that's a good point. justice is extension-- expensive. imagine how much we could have saved if we never caught him. and and folks, the bolling sunshine express did not end at castro and a playful cartoon of the news, no. bolling had a way to save america even more money. how about gitmo, $903,000 per year per gitmo detainee. that's $150 million a year we would save in gitmo if they would all just do the same thing. >> stephen: thank you. i mean would it kill those gitmo detainees to kill themselves? for pete's sake what are they waiting for, charges? and if you look at his white board bolling has already got some suggestions about who should take the next exit ramp to dirt nap city. he's got nidal hasan, khalid

chic mohammed and@eric bolling? >> oh god! oh god don't do it, eric, you've got some of to live for. nothing's coming to me now but one imagines. but folks, folks-- people, the people are clapping for you, eric, like tinker bell, like tinker bell with a gun in her mouth. but folks, bolling really got me, i want to say thinking. the country could save so much more money if like eric bolling we are willing to put a price tag on human life so i say forget prisons let's talk about the suicidal element in the room. social security. at $815 billion dollars a year, pepaw it's time to

smear the stairs with some of that pudding and just slip againly into that good night. and if any of you freeloaders out there need some inspiration, just turn on the five. because every time i watch eric bolling, i want to kill myself. (applause) (cheers and applause) nation, it's election season here in the big apple. we're choosing a new mayor to replace michael bloomberg who-- (laughter) who sadly was lost in the couch cushons at gracey mansion. primaries are on tuesday but it's a tough choice because this time no one is addressing the important issue of the the-- last week new york faced a crisis that could turn the tide of this

election. >> two lost kittens bring an entire new york city subway line to a stand still. >> train crews shut off the power. it did hold up trains for two hours, delaying thousands of commuters. >> america's largest transportation system brought to a screeching halt, all because of this fury duo. >> kittens, shut down subway service. >> stephen: tucker-meow right. (laughter) these subway kit kens paralyzed transit service in brooklyn it was chaos. hundreds of brooklynnites were stuck on the platform with nothing to insta gram. thousands of baristas were late for their shifts. worse of all dozens of bands were instantly formed to name the subway kittens. new york's mayorral candidates-- (applause) >> stephen: in response to

the crisis new york mayorral candidates immediately weighed in. a spokesman for shockingly candidate for mayor be thonny weiner told if an anthony said if he will not only stop trains for kittens, will personally chroim over the third rail to do it. i for one believe anthony weiner would never harm a kitten though he has a long record of choking the chicken. (cheers and applause) now weiner's response was echoed by fellow candidates christine queen, bill thompson and sal albany who said what are we nut, of course i would have stopped. we can't just go running over kittens. (laughter) can't, sal, or won't? because there's one politician out there with the courage to grease our tracks with cat babies. republican joe lhota whose campaign when asked about the kittens responded that

lhota does not think it's appropriate to shut down an entire train line for an extended period for this purpose. folks this is a shrewd political move. think about it, lhota is the only pro dead kitten candidate in this race. or any race. and i say he should run with this. what better way to grab attention than with yard signs that say joe lhota dead kittens. (laughter) i mean all these other candidates are just going to split prot kitten voters leaving joe to sweep up in the key anti-kitten demographic of sociopath, rats large enough to vote and alf. and these, these two troublemakers named august and arthur had it coming. they call this a major transportation delay in the largest city in the country making the bad, bad kittens. now i would love to tell them that to their face and

i will. please welcome august arthur and the man who took them in, stephen lew. (cheers and applause) tharmtions so-- thanks some of. >> look at that, welcome, stephen, how are the kittens doing? >> they're great. great. >> enough of that. >> all right. >> because i'm ready to open doors in the mayorral race and joe lhota is looking good. but first sir, you have to prove that when it comes to kittycide, you don't just talk the talk, you even kill these kittens. anyway you want. barry? >> that's right, stephen. for his kitten killing, joe lhota can choose from a bat, a 10 inch drop board knife, his choice of hammer, monkey wrench or a classic burlap bag filled with rocks to toss into the east river.

all this plus the colbert bump can be yours joe lhota if you'll just -- >> kill that kitten. >> stephen: mr. lhota i will be waiting for you in my studio but please take a car. the subway is infested with these monsters. we'll be right back.

>> welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. folks, if you watched this

show you know i'm in bitter competition with the oprah book club. well, next tuesday september 10th we'll have our second installment of the colbert book club this time dedicated to author j.d. salinger. so by next tuesday, read anything you want by salinger except catcher in the rye. i don't care for it. please join us, i guarantee it will be a perfect night for banana fish. that's a literary reference. i'm told. go over here. folks, you know it is a dangerous world out there and we are constantly under threat of violence even in our own home. for instance, a suspicious stranger comes up to my house six days a week to deliver ransom notes. pay your mortgage or we'll repossess your house, sorry but i don't negotiate with terrorists. that's why i'm always on the lookout for the latest in home protection. now i had previously told you about the bed bunker, a

bed with a built-in gun safe underneath. folks, there is no better place to rest your head after an exhausting day of paranoia. what about those vulnerable hours when you're not sleeping? >> don't worry, folks, because the makers of bed bunker have an answer. >> it's a sofa that could possibly safe your life. a fort worth furniture company is making that claim as they market a couch that can store rifles and has bulletproof kitchens. >> it looks like a norma-- normal sofa. open up the lid and you have a con sell gun safe. >> it's called the couch bunker t will help you hide up to 40 rifle its and dodge a bullet too. >> you can take one of the cushons, hand it to one of your children or your spouse to protect them. and then you can hold it, make them with arm straps. you can hold the cushon with one hand and fire it with the other hand. >> that's right. >> it's what we've been

waiting for. a couch with bulletproof cutchons. it's foolproof as long as you yell at the home invader, only shoot the cushons. and after think do shoot them remember to push the cushons over so your house still looks nice. plus the kids can rearrange the cushons to make a bulletproof force to keep them safe from robbers or indians or lava. but i do have one problem with the couch bunker. you have to take the cushons off in order to access your guns which requires getting off the couch. frankly, i would rather be dead. (laughter) >> that's why i'm proud to introduce the latest in living room protection, the barka launcher. simply duct tape a knife to your head and pull the lever on your side to launch

yourself remember, the lever on the right recline, the lever on the left makes you a human spear. or the other way around. you'll figure it out. order today, we'll also throw in this plush bean bag gear full of grenades, sit back, relax, and pull the pen on comfort. we'll be right back.

>> welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight's, singer/songwriter whose's album the missing years is being re-released on vinyl. i can't wait to download it. >> please welcome john prin! (cheers and applause) >> thanks core following con. >> i'm an enormous fan, enormous fan. thanks for being here. >> great to be here, thank you. >> stephen: are you as i said before a grammy award-winning, really folk singer, songwriter, songwriter. you're a legend in your own time. but you started off as a mailman. >> yes, i did, yeah. >> stephen: were you a mailman's mailman? >> i was. >> stephen: were you the kind of mailman that other mailmen wanted to get their mail from? >> i was the kind of mailman

that dogs couldn't wait to see coming down the street. >> stephen: why did you leave a steady job and go into a shaky business like music? >> because i was making more money in the business as walking in the snow. >> stephen: so folk-music was where the big money was. >> that's right. >> stephen: i got a beef with you, john prine, i'm an enormous fan as i said. but you like to keep it simple. it's mostly just vocals and guitar. >> yeah. >> stephen: why not flash mob, facepaint, why not someone twerking against you while you're doing your songs? >> that would put me in a different tax bracket. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: my favorite song of your, one of my favorite songs of all times is called

how lucky. now the song has lyrics, goes today i walk down the street, i used to wander. and i scratch-- i shook my head and made myself a bet. all these things that i done think i remember, how lucky can one man get. what are the things that you don't remember? >> (laughter) >> i can't recall them right now. >> stephen: well, we've got a new release of your classic album the missing years which was released in 1991 but not available on vinyl then but available on vinyl now. the missing years refers to jess sus missing years. >> yes. from the time he was 13 to i guess about 18, 19. but-- . >> stephen: we done know what happened then.

>> nobody did. i don't know why. >> stephen: do you fill in those missing years. >> i have as good a guess as anybody. >> stephen: that's heresy you realize. (laughter) well, john, would you do a song for us, please. >> i would love to (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right. >> stephen: we'll be right back with a performance by john prine. stick around. çuçuçu;u:u:uzuzuzuy

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: ladies an gentlemen, john prine. sneath ♪ ♪ ♪ yeah i walked

♪ yeah shook my hand ♪ and i made myself a bed. there's all these things ♪ ♪ that i don't think i remember ♪ ♪ i like it. ♪ how lucky can one man get ♪ ♪ i my shoes ♪ ♪ and hung them from the rear ♪

♪ in a blind spot of regret ♪ ♪ there's all these things ♪ that i don't think i remember ♪ ♪ how lucky can one man get ♪ ♪ snoted ♪ used to wanter ♪ this my cigarette ♪ there's all those things

♪ that i don't think i remember ♪ ♪ how lucky ♪ can one man get ♪ how lucky ♪ can one man get ♪ how lucky can one man get ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) john prine, the missing years, good night, everybody. (cheers and applause) 8yhphxp

♪ [music playing] announcer: from new york city, "comedy central presents": [cheers and applause] tig: i guess i'm in the right place. [laughter] new york. here i am. [laughter continues] oh, my god. i actually live in los angeles,

and i travel around a lot. it seems like every time i come back home, i notice more and more women are getting fake boobs. meanwhile, i haven't even gotten real ones yet. [laughter] i mean, i have boobs. they're just concave. [laughter] so much so they even kind of stick out of my back a little bit. [laughter continues] that's hot. [laughter] i-- i'm originally from-- was born in the big apple. [cheers and applause] no way. jackson, mississippi. [laughter]

get outta here. it's very unusual. [laughter continues] you don't run into that much. you laugh, but it's very unusual. i-- my whole family's still down there in texas, louisiana, mississippi. [silence] thanks for your support. [laughter] i was down there in august hanging out with my crazy redneck aunt sheila. we were sitting on her back porch, and she put her arm around me, and she was like-- "tig, it's pretty outside. don't it." [laughter and applause] i was like, "yeah, sheila. it does." [laughter] 'cause it did. [laughter] it really, really had. [laughter continues] i went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. and it latest right about nine