>> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (audience chanting "stephen") welcome to the "report," everybody out there, in here, all around the world, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, good to have you with us, folks. you asked these people, they know, i've got a bug up my ass. (laughter) that's not the only place. (laughter) i'll tell you, i've been warning you for years -- here's what it's about. i've been warning you for years that barack obama is a weak leader and he has proven me right once again. damn my gift! (laughter) the man could not lead us on health care reform. he could not lead us on the budget talks. and now he can not lead us into war. specifically with syria! where dictator and high school freshman trying to grow a mustache bashar al-assad -- (laughter). -- has used chemical weapons against his own people.

now, as the world's policeman, america has a moral imperative to blow some (bleep) up! (laughter) but thanks to obama's limp leadership, that idea is going over like a turd falafel. only 29% of americans want us to attack syria. now, on the plus side, that means 29% of americans know there is a place called syria. (laughter) but that's not enough, folks. it's all because of how obama is selling it! >> i have decided that the united states should take military action against syrian regime targets. this would not be an open-ended intervention. we would not put boots on the ground. instead, our action would be designed to be limited in duration and scope. our capacity to execute this mission is not time sensitive. it will be effective tomorrow or next week or one month from now.

i i translation, we don't know what they want to do, we won't do much and it doesn't matter when we do it. who's with me? (cheers and applause) i mean, how are you supposed to get behind that? i've got a crack graphics department upstairs ready to make a sizzling title sequence like "america at war!" or "desert storm" or "show down in the gulf." but thanks to obama, this is the best they could do! >> crisis syria. (playing "price is right loser theme). (laughter) where's the excitement, obama? where the zazz? come on you pusssy, slap some androgel on and grow a pair! you're the goddamned commander-in-chief of the united states of america! i mean, you're the one who set a red line! >> i didn't set a red line.

(laughter) the world set a red line. >> the world? who cares about the world? we're america! if we cared about what the world is we'd eat flan and watch soccer. (laughter) oh, i'm sorry, futball. (laughter) you know what, folks? i miss george w. bush. (audience reacts) that man -- yeah, i can tell you miss him, too. (laughter) that manu how to sell a war. obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can't even get england to go along with it. meanwhile, president bush gotten a international coalition with nothing more than colin powell's reputation and half a test tube of crystal light. (laughter) you want to hear some war marketing? bush had us hanging on every word because by the next word he might all be dead. (laughter) jim? >> saddam hussein is a homicidal

dictator who is addicted to weapons of mass destruction. ing a seusz of evil. 50 tons of mustard gas and a turkey farm. mobile biological weapons labs. significant quantities of uranium. the regime seeking a nuclear bomb. the smoking gun. it could come in the form of a mushroom cloud. >> god i love being lied to by a professional! (laughter) you can feel the hand craftsmanship so president obama, you could learn a thing or two about salesmanship from this good man! stop asking our permission and start telling us our perel, like this: my fellow americans, bashar al-assad has used poison gas on his own people. if we do not respond sources say next he will hit epcot thereby taking out paris, london, and china and it flows over to disney, that's all of our robotic presidents. (laughter) further more, we have satellite photos of him punching your mother and sodomizing a

baseball! and he has purchased uranium from hitler's ghost. (laughter) it is our moral obligation to stop this madman and if britain won't help us, i say (bleep) 'em, from now on english muffins will be called liberty toast because america -- (cheers and applause) -- america, this land is my land and your land and america does not back down on the face of tyranny. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice a penny save sad horse to water whose colors do not run! may god bless the united states of america! wango tango! (cheers and applause) bottom line, will barack obama stack up and start spelling this war right? only time will tell and so will my guest. please welcome pulitzer prize winning writer for the "new yorker" and dean of the columbia

school of journalism steve coll, steve thank you so much for joining us. good to see you again. steve, you gotten a article in the new new yorker here called "crossing the line" right? steve, help me out with something here. i never thought i'd say this but i'm not sure if i want america to get into another war with the middle eastern country with no clear objective. and i know that sounds ugly to say. why don't i want to follow barack obama into battle. where do you think he's screwing the pooch? >> well, the weight of the last two wars that he inherited, the 4,500 dead in iraq for a war fought in the name of weapons of mass destruction that didn't exist. >> stephen: why didn't he bomb them and say "hey, i just saved a bunch of kids in syria, you people can have your academic discussions about whether i should have done it"? >> the problem is he's fighting about a war with a global idea.

>> stephen: if it's a serious matter, why isn't the president pushing it harder? >> i think he is cautioned by americans' experience in the last two wars, he recognizes that he's going to war without a clear objective, a victory, is a hard decision to take. >> stephen: well, let's talk about the objective of the war, what will the objective of the war be? (laughter) >> it is an unusual proposition to fight a war to prevent a certain weapon from being used. >> stephen: because they asked kerry in congress and they said are we going to fight this to win it and he goes "no, we don't want to win." >> the president's position is he doesn't want to overthrow the assad regime. >> stephen: why not knock him out and get those rebels in there? don't we stand with the rebels? >> we do stand with the rebels. we are supplying them arms, apparently, according to the white house, and we do support a political settlement that would include assad's departure from power. but we have not been willing to say we're all in, boots on the

ground, whatever it takes to force assad from power because that would be potentially a long, costly, and destable aoeuing war. i six this a message to iran? because some people saying striking syria is actually a message to iran. >> i've heard the white house make that argument but, you know, iran is a completely different case in its nuclear ambitions. i don't think a direct parallel between the war in syria and the war in iran -- >> stephen: does it send a message to anybody? >> it sends a message to assad, do you want to use chemical weapons again and risk this kind of aerial and other missile retaliation that will degrade your air force, wipe out your artillery, decapitate your intelligence leaders and whatever the other objectives of the war plan. >> stephen: but not kill assad, right? >> apparently not kill assad. >> stephen: and not take him out of power? >> it is the explicit statement of the president that he's not trying to win the civil war

through air power. but that he is trying to make sure that chemical weapons are not used again against the syrian people for the purpose -- >> stephen: what if he just uses them again? >> i think that's a reasonable question. >> stephen: well, thank you, i'm a reasonable man. (laughter) what if he says "hey, you knocked out people, i'm not dead, i've proven i don't care about other people by using chemical weapons, i'll use them again. nanny nanny boo-boo." you'll pardon my arabic. (laughter) >> a problem with defining a war around something as narrow as chemical weapons use is that it does give assad the space to decide that he wants to use them again to draw the international community back in. >> stephen: obama says no boots on the ground could that be semantics? could there will be crocs on the ground or open-toed sandals on the ground? because he's asked for 90 days. will it be called a war? >> i'm not sure that it's a war

under the definition of the constitution or the law but we will call it some kind of military action, limited military action. >> stephen: oh, well, then we'll be fine. we'll be fine. steve, thank you so much for joining me. (applause) , the dean of the columbia school of journalism and from the "new yorker," stev www

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much, folks. if you watch this show, you know i love technology, that's why sometimes i just stare at my microwave for hours and hours. which way will the burrito turn next? i don't know. (laughter) that's why i was so excited to see a great new product profiled on the most informative segment of fox news-- the commercials. >> stephen: . >> what's that? >> my singing parakeet? >> introducing perfect polly, the pet parakeet that comes to life when you enter the room. this replica mimics the sound and mutual of a real parakeet in the wild, her cheerful hr *eulting song keeps you company all day long. everyone loves perfect polly. (laughter). >> stephen: yes, perfect polly, all the fun of a cue cue clock without the hassle of finding out what time it is.

and perfect polly is the easiest pet to care for. >> parakeets are the most popular pet bird in the world, but they require a lot of care! (laughter) now perfect polly brings you all the joy and no mess. >> stephen: yes, all the joy of owning a real parakeet-- like the chirping and the perching and did i already mention the chirping? (laughter) the point is perfect polly is made of pure love! and because she's made in china, possibly mercury. (laughter) plus, you know perfect polly comes from a reputable breeder, telebrands, maker of the pasta boat. (laughter) which incidentally also makes a great pet. i mean, try pouring boiling water there a cocker spaniel. it's a nightmare. (laughter) but just in case you need another reason to welcome perfect polly into your home, the commercial nails it with a fun radiorhyme. >> on the window or on the shelf, with your perfect polly

you're never by yourself! (audience reacts). (laughter) >> stephen: your golden years are still fantastic, even if your only friend is made of plastic. (laughter). (cheers and applause) and folks, folks, if you're still for some reason -- if for some reason you're still not convinced, i've got someone i'd like you to meet please chirp and twitch your head sharply to the left for my best friend perfect polly! (cheers and applause) there we go. what's that, polly? right. human companionship is overrated. (laughter) i better put you in your bird cage before you fly off there, polly. okay. (laughter) oh, she's going to fit in great around here. (laughter) in fact, i actually got perfect poly to keep my other parakeet company. okay, this is --

(audience reacts) this is imperfect polly. (laughter) you're a constant disappointment. (laughter) i got this parakeet to warn us if there's ever a gas leak in the studio. we used tv canary for that but it kept dying. (laughter) i can't wait to see if these two become best of friends and, who knows? maybe more! although, you know, come to think of it, if i have perfect polly, i don't really need imperfect polly. especially since her insatiable appetiteses for seed is bleeding me dry. i'm out like 75 cents a week. in fact, you know what, imperfect polly? i'm going to set you free. wait a second! which one of you is the real bird? (cheers and applause) i just -- i don't -- oh, my god! say something only a real bird would say! (bird cheaps)

okay p good, oh, good, you're the real bird, all right. there you go, time to hit the road. good riddance you freeloader. (laughter) (audience reacts) she's dead! she must have died in grief because i chose a cold inanimate hunk of resin over a living, breathing creature kissed with the spark of life from god! you're nothing but a battery-powered abomination! look what you've turned me into! look at me! (laughter) i'm a monster! (laughter) a monster! -xf3,x

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. now, let's turn to gary with the weather. (cheers and applause) hey, welcome. thanks for coming on! >> you bet. >> stephen: now, for those few members of my viewing audience out there who are not from the oklahoma area, let me explain that you are gary england, the chief meteorologist at kw t.v., oklahoma's news leader. >> correct. >> stephen: oklahoma's own news 9, oklahoma city. you were the top-rated meteorologist in oklahoma for 40 years. tornado alley. if there was a tornado coming you tier guy that people talk to. in fact, you appeared in the movie "twister" as a tornado expert. (laughter) >> true. true story. it was quite fascinating. they never called back. (laughter) >> stephen: how do you become

a famous -- can i say weatherman or is that an insult to meteorologists? >> whatever you want to call me. >> stephen: a cloud jockey! (laughter) how do you become a superstar rock star in meteorology? >> long hours, a lot of days, a lot of tornadoes, people build confidence in you. they trust you, you become a part of their family because you're on with them all the time during a severe weather and if you were a child at home i would say to you "children that are home alone, this is what i want you do. if you don't have a cellor or basement go to the center part of your house, closet or bathroom, wrap up with blankets, get in the tub, cover up in case the tornado goes by." >> stephen: that's in case of a tornado. >> yes. >> stephen: but otherwise the children should not listen to the man on the t.v. (laughter) >> that is correct! >> stephen: let's put up a weather map, jim. there you go. (cheers and applause) this is the weather today in the united states. can you --s where -- where over here is tornado alley. >> well, the prime tornado alley is north texas into oklahoma and

southern kansas but it does migrate around the country over a period of years, ten years. in a few years it might mainly be eastern canada, illinois, it will rotate to the southeastern part of the country. so where the most tornadoes occur migrates. >> stephen: it's not an alley, that's a worm. (laughter) all right. so it's this, this, this area. >> generally. you got i, baby. >> stephen: this is where we're in tkaeupbg it is what you're saying. oklahoma has had devastating tornadoes recently. how big -- what is the biggest tornado that oklahoma's ever faced? >> well, the largest tornado that oklahoma faced or any state has faced occurred on may 31 this year. it was 2.6 miles wide. think about that. 2.6 miles wide. the winds in the vicinity of 300 miles per hour. it was the widest, the largest and the winds were closest to the strongest we've ever seen. >> stephen: why -- do people live in oklahoma? (laughter)

no offense. but 300 miles an hour winds? >> well, that's just occasionally. (laughter). >> stephen: i understand there's a gesture you would do when things were going to be bad. people knew there was going to be a bad storm if what happened? >> i take my coat off sometimes these weather events we're on for six hours, i've been on as long as ten hours. you don't go to the bathroom, just do your job. at some point you take the coat off. >> stephen: and people call a priest. >> (laughs) that's not a bad idea in some case bus the warnings are good now days and the good thing about a big tornado like we've had recently in oklahoma and other states, we know where it's going to be and what it's going to do. >> stephen: let me ask you something: on the map, why is the sun wearing sunglasses? (laughter) the earth should wear the sunglasses. >> well, that's true. that's true. >> stephen: it's like an oven wearing oven mitts.

(laughter) it makes no sense to me. how did you become a famous weather man without a weatherman name. your name is gary england. shouldn't it be something like "sleep thingerslush?" >> probably should have been. a lot of people do change their names. >> stephen: have you ever thought about it? >> no, no. >> stephen: think about it. (laughter) what would you like your name to be. if you could pick a weather name? what are your two favorite weather patterns? >> i lo do love the wind and i do love the rain. >> stephen: winy rain. sounds. >> windy rain. >> stephen: sounds like a stripper. (laughter) thank you so much, meteorologist gary england profiled in )p

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >

>> jon is back! >> hey, stubies! >> hey! >> baby. >> mmm. force [speaking in foreign language] >> how are you doing? >> mush, mushka! >> oh (bleep)! >> we have a huge problem. >> what? >> hey, no, i don't know is back. the middle east has changed him. he is not even acting