>> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow at 11, here it is your moment of zen. >> after the debate giuliani who ran for president on the issue criticized catsimatidis. >> well, september 11th is in my view almost something you don't talk about po ready to go ready to go (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen!

(audience chanting "stephen"). thank you, ladies and gentlemen! in here; out there; around the world, welcome to the "report," everybody. (cheers and applause) nation, i'm sure i'm not the only one who thinks this, but i am worried about egypt. those guys have got their heads up their spanx. (laughter) first mubarak was in, then mubarak was out. and morsi was in, now morsi is out and instead army general and george lopez of the desert abdel fattah al-sisi is in. and with tensions running high, folks, everyone is suspecting everyone else over there and i don't blame them because they all look kind of middle eastern. (laughter) but thankfully there's been an improvement in egypt's security situation. for more we turn ktrt, houston's egypt news leader.

>> in egypt, a stork was busted as a suspected spy. a citizen thought the bird was an undercover agent because it carried a suspicious electronic device. >> stephen: "suspicious electronic device." could it have been the new iphone 5s? (laughter) and i say that simply because i want a free one. (laughter) now, don't believe this stork is a spy? some sources have reported that this agent was instead a swan! which means this stork has a secret identity, a nom de plumage. (laughter) and this is not the first time the animal kingdom has got caught up in middle eastern espionage. as i reported previously, egypt accused israeli agents of being behind a local shark attack and -- (laughter). saudi arabia arrested a vulture on suspicion of spying for israel. (laughter) and they also arrested a rabbit

for being one letter away from a rabbi. (laughter) (cheers and applause) well, whether he turns out to be a spy or not, i certainly hope egyptian officials interrogate this stork until it reveals where babies really come from. (laughter) vaginas, indeed! (laughter) makes no sense. we'll have more on this story because anything beats talking about syria. (laughter) next up, syria. (laughter) folks, it gives me no pleasure to say that barack obama has screwed this thing up. (laughter) turns out i was wrong. gives me a great deal of pleasure-- but it shouldn't. because this is brewing into a

clear disaster the american people do not want. >> in the senate, 29 are against military action with 24 supporting a strike. in the house, 238 members are definite no or leaning no with only 26 in favor. >> stephen: 6-10 americans oppose this. >> the public is dead set against this. >> stephen: congress knows that the only thing less popular than attacking syria is congress. (laughter) so clearly congress must approve an attack on syria! tell them why, t.v. man. >> the president wants buy-in, right? he may not get it. but if he does not get buy-in on this, can you imagine another president ever going to congress with the same sort of request for use in the same sort of force? it sets a precedent for the presidency. >> i think he will get his way on this or the presidency will win because people will -- the next president will say "i'm not going to go through that." >> stephen: yeah, i mean the constitution is such a hassle!

(laughter) i know theoretically there are checks and balances and stuff but if the president asks for war approval, congress has to say yes every time he asks! no matter how the american people feel about it or else the president will stop asking and then congress will never have a chance to say no, which they must never do. (laughter) it's like if your teenage son asks to borrow your car. if you say no this time, next time he'll attack syria. (laughter). (cheers and applause) kids -- (laughter). now faced with this constitutional crisis obama is getting desperate. yesterday in a rose garden press conference he tried to draw attention with his syria plan with one of those floppy tube men. (laughter) though i've got to say, that guy

has a firmer spine than john kerry. (cheers and applause) who this morning rallied support for the president with this stirring battle cry. >> we're not going to war. we will be able to hold bashar al-assad accountable in a very limited, very targeted, very short term effort without assuming responsibility for syria's civil war. unbelievably small limited kind of effort. >> stephen: so watch out, bashar al-assad! america is going to bring down the unbelievably small hammer. (laughter) but, to be clear, to be clear we're not looking to affect the course of the nail. (laughter) and, folks, as bad as their sales pitch is, their timing is worse. >> let's talk about the calendar now because while the president

talks about syria and that's the number one thing on his mind, americans have this thing called their own life. for example, "monday night football." (audience reacts). >> stephen: yes. americans are tired of violence in the middle east! they want violence in the n.f.l.! (cheers and applause) so obama has blown this whole thing. i'll tell you what he should have done: he should have watched fox news to tell him what he should have done. or who he should have been. >> ronald reagan if he were president, we'd get assad like that. he would. he would get assad. if president reagan had looked at assad and said "don't you use gas or you're gonna pay a price" and he did, reagan would have gone right in. >> i know that president reagan would have never let this happen. he would stand up to this. we have to think like president reagan would do and he would say chemical use is unacceptable. >> stephen: yes, we conservatives have an uncondition nee ability to know what ronald reagan would do at

any given time. (laughter) syrian conflict? invade. obamacare? repeal. soup or salad? jelly beans. (laughter) that's why we know, we conservatives know the gipper would never stand for the use of chemical weapons-- today. of course, in the 190s his administration ignored chemical attacks by saddam hussein that killed thousands of iranian troops and looked the other way when saddam gassed his own kurdish citizens, but, remember, that's the old reagan. (laughter) we're talking about hypothetical contemporary superreagan. (cheers and applause) the man who never raised taxes or tripled the deficit and who knocked down the berlin wall using his nut sack as a wrecking ball. (laughter and applause)

(cheers and applause) i'm not sure if that's pixelated. (laughter) true story, by the way. true story. you know what? as long as we're playing fan fiction foreign policy, what if obama were reagan and assad was the joker? and instead of chemical weapons he's opening a jurassic park. ooh, ooh, with the help of skeletor! okay? and they're going to take over the world, but not so fast because reagan has been bitten by a radioactive spider and now he's spider-reagan! and skeletor's like, yeah, i'm skeletor, see, yeah? i run the middle east, see? and spider-reagan goes "pew, pew, pew. mr. skeletor, tear down your face!" and he's like "i'm dead, see?"

and everybody's safe and my mom lets us stay up light to watch "night rider." i love you, spider-reagan. (cheers and applause) why can't obama do that? (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. folks, i'm like an umpire calling balls and strikes and if you disagree with me i will strike your balls. (laughter) this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) folks, anybody that knows me knows i believe in the second amendment. i mean, if it's not real then who left me those guns on christmas morning? (laughter) sadly, there are some who are denied the joy of packing heat, but the good corn packers of iowa are doing something about it. i i in iowa, the "des moines register" is reporting that state issues permits to carry firearms in public to people who are blind. a spokeswoman for a group called disability rights iowa told the newspaper that denying the blind gun permits would violate the americans with disabilities act. >> stephen: look, this is plain and simple. if you're against blind

americans wielding deadly weapons in public then you hate the disabled. you're a monster. i bet you're also against baby animals and starving children having guns as well. (laughter) but, folks, since i'm stephen colbert-- friend to the blind-- i am. (cheers and applause) they are why i do this radio show every night. (laughter) i want to give a tip of the hat to iowa. it's high time the blind had guns. they work way better for navigating the streets than those guide canes. because if you're waving a gun around, believe me, a path will clear. (laughter) now, folks -- (cheers and applause) folks, i hear you. you might ask "stephen, why can the blind be denied a driver's license but not a gun permit?"

well, greg, that's because gun ownership is considered a constitutional right while driving is considered a privilege. which means if the blind want to drive, they should gate tank. (laughter) because, according -- according to altoona blind man michael barber, when you shoot a gun you take it out and point and shoot and i don't necessarily think eyesight is necessary. (laughter) true. though he did give that interview to a potted fern. (laughter) and, unlike the skeptics out there, i trust the blind! i'm sure they'll use their guns responsibly and get themselves a shooting eye dog. (laughter) to bark at danger and, of course, a spare dog for when they shoot the first one. (laughter) next up on the-dubs, summer is over and like most americans i had my share of hot dogs and cold beer.

that's why i'd like to issue a tip of my hat to bigger pants. (laughter) folks, don't mean giant clown pants, i mean (audience chanting "stephen")s that are one sized larger than the ones i'm used to wearing. see, i just grabbed the first pair of pants in the closet this morning and they're bigger. let me tell you, folks, i'm loving it. (laughter) they're roomy, breezy, nothing is sweating and it feels like i lost weight-- but i didn't. (laughter) you heard it hear first, folks, bigger pants, making a difference. finally, i've always been a huge fan of the body's exhibit. it answers the age-old question: "what would happen if buffalo bill had an n.e.a. grant?" (laughter) but, according to recent articles, the bodies in these exhibits may be murdered falun gong, perhaps even those killed for their organs, which is why i'm giving a wag of the finger to recent articles. (laughter) way to ruin the fun, articles! now this whole exhibit of

dissected human cadavers seems kind of creepy. (laughter) well, i refuse to let the because shacklers out there ruin my daughter's eighth birthday party. we're going, brittany, don't you worry! besides, museum officials assure us the corpses came from individuals who chose to donate their bodies to medical science. you hear this that? medical science! or whatever this is. they weren't executed prisoners! i mean, this man clearly died happy. look at that smile. (laughter) (cheers and applause) and i like to believe he donated his body of his own free will. i'm sure there are just a lot more options on the back of a chinese driver's license. (laughter) .e'll be right

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a tennis legend and at the end of the interview i'm leaping over the desk. please welcome billie jean king! (cheers and applause)

thank you very much. sit down! thanks for coming on. >> thanks for having me! >> stephen: well, it's a pleasure and honor to have you here. >> and can you dance, baby. >> stephen: thank you very much. you were watching me backstage. >> i've been watching you quite a bit every place. (audience reacts). >> stephen: well, i'm flattered. i'm flattered. billie jean, first question, phaoeupblg says you're not his lover. phaoeupblg says you are nomichat his lover. >> not the one. you know who wrote a song for me? >> stephen: who? >> elton john. >> that's right! philadelphia freedom. that gets to the nut meat of what i want to talk about here. for our younger viewers, i want them to know what a legend you are. because besides winning 39 grand slam titles-- six wimbledon singles championships, four u.s.

open titles. 40 years ago this month you engaged in something called the battle of sexes with a guy named bobby riggs. >> it was huge. >> stephen: enormous. >> no social media, only four channels, no cable t.v. whoa! (laughter). >> stephen: people watched it all over the world! >> yes. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it was incredible. it was incredible. it was like ali/fraser, but with tennis. (laughter) >> yes. >> stephen: and this was going to settle somehow who's better-- men or women. >> men can beat women every time at the same level. he was as old as my father. >> stephen: and he was trash talking leading up to it. >> total trash talking. kitchen, barefooted, pregnant, girls should be in two places, bedrooms -- >> stephen: bedroom and the kitchen in that order, is what he said. >> but i think that's a good order. but i think it applies for women, too, that we'd like to have that as well. (cheers and applause)

equal opportunity! equal opportunity here! >> stephen: now this -- (laughter). you've rattled me. all right. >> impossible! impossible to rattle you. >> stephen: this was -- this was dividing families. i'm from a lot of kids in my family. my sisters were all on your side, my brothers were all on bobby riggs side and you smoked him like a ham. (laughter) you crushed him in this. and this became -- you became the biggest name in tennis overnight. >> you are absolutely correct. >> stephen: now you're the subject of an "american masters" on pbs. >> "american masters series" yes. >> stephen: let's look at a clip of the battle of the sexes. (cheers and applause) >> when he jumped over the net, the first thing he said to me is "i underestimated you." i couldn't wait to tell my dad

what he said! he would always tell us "respect your opponents, never, ever underestimate them." it was like having won the presidential election. everybody ran on the court and the women were pumped up and it transcended tennis. >> elation and feeling like every woman around the world was feeling vindicated. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i remember. i remember vividly. we had a party at my house. >> do you know where you were? if you're old enough -- but most of you are not. do you remember where you were? >> we were at our house in south carolina. i remember exactly where i was. i was not allowed to stay up late enough to see who won, though. (laughter) >> what? >> stephen: i had to be told in the morning that bobby riggs had lost. >> no, you must have been a real baby? >> stephen: well, i am slightly younger than you. >> you are a lot younger.

>> stephen: what you what did it feel like to become a symbol for a movement? >> i really actually embraced it. i mean -- yeah, i embraced it. >> stephen: you used your fame then to start the -- >> it was a platform. tennis was a platform for me to really do something i wanted to do since i was 12 years old and that is fight for equal rights and opportunities for men and girls, boys and women. my older brother was a major league baseball player, randy moffat, played with the san francisco giants, a relief pitcher and a good slider. not a good curveball he told me. so anyway, i always -- i always want both genders to champion each other. i think it's really important. i know it's idealistic but i don't care. our job in this world is to help each other, champion each other and we here in this world together so let's make the best of it! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: these days the only woman who regularly competes on a national scale with men is danica patrick. >> yeah.

>> stephen: are you upset that when you were younger there wasn't godaddy.com so you could wear a leather outfit. >> very, very! of course i was. i would have loved to have -- no. i don't know. >> stephen: you actually -- you concealed your -- your sexual preference when you were at the height of your fame. did it ever upset you when a line judge would yell "out!" (laughter) billie jean king, congratulations on bag living legend. thank you. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: billie jean king, "american 0q8t8t