bad." this is the "colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome to the report. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. please, sit down, we gotta get going. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i want to welcome all the people watching from the

united states. also i want to thank any of our viewers from italy watching tonight. ( cheers and applause ) ciao! folks, i wish i were as happy as you are, but i'm afraid we're living in the people's republic of obamastan. folks, it is not safe to be rich in this country anymore. frank leiber i would give all my fortines to the needy but i don't want to turn some poor person into a target. ( laughter ) no, no, no, i'm afraid all that money is my cross to awar bear. it's a cross made of solid gold. very nice, actually. well, during a speech yesterday, president obama hit the rich with another drone strike in that he was boring. jim. >> the trends that have taken holds over the past few decades of a winner-take-all economy. those trends have been made

worse by the recession. the top 1% of americans took home 20% of the nation's income last year. most of the gains have gone to the top .01%. >> stephen: that's clar warfare, folks. the top .01%. he's pitting the unattainably rich to the unimaginable rich. it's bad enough that billionaires are forced to go to separate schooled scoolz, fly on their own planes, and often end up behind bars. but now, some billionaires are being left behind. >> even if you have $1 billion, that is not enough to make it on the forbe 400 list. "forbes" is out this morning with its 32nd annual lift of the 400 wealthiest americans. this year the rich are getting richer. >> first of all, you need to have $1.3 billion. there were 61 billion arizona that weren't even rich enough to

make the "forbes" 400 this year. >> stephen: i don't know who to feel worse for. those poor billionaires or "forbes" magazine who just lost subscribes of scribers purpose folks, i don't know what to say. it's a sad day to be a billionaire. you toil your whole life to build a meaningful legacy for your family, only to find out that billion dollars you earned was worthless. except for the money part. ( laughter ) that part's worth $1 billion. with that in meend, it's time to revisit my luxury segment for high-net-worth viewers. this is "colbert platinum." ♪ ♪ a quick reminder, folks-- this

segment is for platinum members only. so if you're not watching this on your prototype tony start retinal projector, why don't you scamper off and plant some seeds for food? ( laughter ) okay, all right, they're gone. now, platinum nation, we super rich set ourselves apart have a our exquisite taste. when it comes to cars, antiques, and elective office, we buy only the finest. and that's especially true when it comes to liquor. if you're not drinking an 1886 absinthe from oscar wilde's personal collection, you may as well be drinking the sweat out of a hobo's ass crack. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but how exclusive is your snifter of louis xiii if you allow it to be cooled by cubes of frozen tap water-- a.k.a., poverty punch. ( laughter ) luxly, the high-end growers at

dean & deluca have the answer. it's called glace luxury ice at the luxury price of $75 for just 10 cubes, opener not cubes-- technically orbs individually carved from a 300-pound block to ensure flawless quality. using techniques derived from famed austrian sculptor eis kub-trei. ( cheers and applause ) good work, good work. and you can be sure that this ice won't contaminate your premium hooch, because glace has a zero-taste profile. i believe it. when you spend $75 for a bag of handcarved ice, that is totally tasteless. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and it is the height of conspicuous-- folks.

it is the height of conspicuous consumption, because an hour later you're literally pissing your money away. folks, i believe that individually carved ice is a start. but, you know, what, the flavor of my premium high balls can still be ruined by the exhaled co2 of not rich people. that's why tonight i'm proud to be offering this $200 bag of stephen colb-air. ( cheers and applause ) there we go. all right, hold on, hold on. you see, it's a premium mixture of gases, specifically crafted for breathability, and with a zero-smell profile harvested from high in outside my sphiewdio. i just add a little bit to my drink here. there you go. there you go. you know what? you know what?

i think this air needs to breathe a little bit. i think i'll leave that open. next up, folks, our mission herality colbert platinum is to offer advice for all members of the uberrich set. i'd like to share a tip with the underserved wealth community. dictators, in a subsegment i called "stephen cobare's hot dip ticks." if you're a shadowy, developing world despot with money and availables to burn you'll want to get a hold of this season's must-have accessory. >> kanye west pocketed some $3 million performing for a controversial dictator. the rapper flew all the way to kazakhstan to play at the president's grandson's wedding. he's been accused of stealing the country's oil for himself

and violate, human rights, including murder. >> stephen: now, i know what you're thinking, what is this power hungry megalomaniac doing hanging out with the president of kazakhstan. it's simple, folks-- money talks and celebrities have excellent hearing. personally, i do this kind of gig all the time. robert mugabe said he loved my mark twain one-man show. the critics did not like it. the point is, kanye and i are not the only a-lifters available to toast your prepressive regime. >> the concert organized by china's state-owned oil company, jennifer lopez sang happying about the to turkmenistan's ruler, kurbanguly berdymukhamedov. it is a country so repressive it once banned circuses and operas

and where the state department says arbitrary arrest, toort torture, and disregard for civil liberties happen frequently. >> stephen: okay, maybe, but the chinese state oil company was in a terrible position. they had to get j. lo to single happy birthday because you can't fit kurbanguly berdymukhamedov on a cake. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, now,-- ( applause ) lovely couple. now, my friend kerbie's done some questionable things, yes, but that doesn't mean j. lo was wrong here. >> j. lo's reps say, "had there been knowledge of human rights issues of any kind, jennifer would not have attended." >> stephen: thank you. how could she have known about turkmenistan's appalling human rights records? google? the point is, if you're a megalomaniacal despot get

yourself an american celebrity because if the price is right, they will perform for anyone no matter how much they have crushed the little guy. i mean, alex baldwin does those capital one ads. we'll be right back.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. nation, you know that stephen colbert has always been a huge fan of advertising. i only wish commercials weren't constantly interrupted by long stretches of characters and stories. who cares who murder who? i just want to see two different paper towels absorb things. ( laughter ) is that all we have? all right. that's why on my show i promote products whenever i can, from wheat thins to doritos, to

liberian conflict diamonds. she won't be the only one who shed a tear over that engagement ring. so-- yeah, ooooh! so whenever there's a new innovation in advertising, i take notice, folks. and i was truly impressed by the genius of this recent ad from the good folks at cheerios. >> mom. did dad ever give you cheerios when you were a little kid? >> yeah, she did cheerios has pretty much been forever. >> when we have cheerios it's kind of like we're having breakfast withnan nana. >> yeah. ( applause )

>> stephen: oh, nana! ( applause ) folks, the best ideas always seem-- ( laughter ) so obvious in hindsight, yet somehow nobody thought to leverage the death of a grandparent to hawk some hooch of oates. i used to eat sear without considering the long lines of loved one who shuffled off this mortal coil leaving me to face my march to abliffion alone, weighed down by the chains of the past. it was just something i ate when i didn't have time to make pancakes. now i can't walk down a cereal aisle without entering a haupted

house of loss and regrets. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) clean up in isle 10. but, folks, as impressed as i am with the work of soul-rending marketing yeens, it also was cause for alarm because apparently cheerios are haunted by the spirits of the dead. ( laughter ) ( applause ) pimean, you heard that kid. when you eat cheerios the depart roam your breakfast nook. they're a portal between our world and the purratory. be gone from my milky bowl!

( cheers and applause ) i mean, folks the warning-- the warning signs were always there. how did we never notice that a bowl full of cheerios spells oooo-oooo. the cheerios now joins the ranks of undead endorsed cereals like count chocula. booyakasha. fiberatu through a rough annual of horror. and chithu-loops. chithu-loops, the fruit flavors are too horrid for the human

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is arne duncan. ( cheers and applause ). good to see you. please, sit down. all right. good to see you again. it's been a few years. >> nice to be back. >> stephen: nice to have a cabinet member here. tell your boss to stop by sometime. >>il. >> stephen: before we get into the nitty grif gritty, today is constitution day, is that true? >> yes, sir. >> stephen: i want to ask you a little quiz see how well you know the constitution. >> put me on the spot. >> stephen: which of the following is not mentioned in the constitution-- the department of education.

or it was the first one? why do we have a department of education? >> the answer is a, but we have a department of education because we need to be able to read the constitution. >> stephen: okay, all right. ( cheers and applause ). well played. well played. now, let's talk about the becomeobamaadministration's goar education. what is "race to the top" and why does everything have to be about race with this guy? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> this race is important. >> stephen: okay, what is it? what race to the top? >> we want to lead the world in college graduation rates. we did it a generation ago. today we're 12th. we need to catch up. >> stephen: who is beating us? >> many countries. >> stephen: i don't like other countries now. >> we have to reduce hoofl dropout rate, increase high school graduation rates and we

have to make sure every child has a chance to make a great education. >> stephen: is college for everybody? i went to college and learned about morrissey. you know. >> let me start, if you drop out of high school today you're basically condemned to poverty and social failure. there are no good jobs out there. you have to graduate from high school in some form of higher education i would argue is right for everyone. >> stephen: and in the race to the top, are we still leaving no child behind or do we have to cut them lose because they can't race? no child left behind, is there any of that left? >> no child left behind is basically broken. we want congress to fix that broken law. unfortunately, congress is pretty broken and so we have partnered with states. have a high bar, college and career standards for every child and we'll give you a lot more room to be creative. the best ideas in education frankly don't come from me. they don't come from anyone else

in washington. they come from local teachers ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: let's talk about the states and what they're adding to this mix. in 2010, the states got together and created something called the common core. >> they raised standard. >> stephen: i understand there will be emphasis on things like reading literature, like reading "treasure island" and learning to read manuals, more memos. >> that's what i -- >> stephen: i've been told. is that true? >> you want children reading everything. you want literature and you want them reading the constitution, you want plays and poetry. >> stephen: and instruction manuals? and instruction manuals? is that part of it? because i read instruction manuals and memos. is that true? if so, when can i go back to high school? is that part true? >> a memo here and there

wouldn't be the end of the world. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that was, like, pulling teeth without an instruction manual okay, i've heard that the obama administration wants to get rid of printed textbooks and go to all digital. is that true? >> i think we need to move from print to digital as fast as we can. we spend each year-- every school is underfund p. each year we spend $7 to $9 billion on textbooks which they are obsolete when you buy them. >> stephen: when i was in high school the only thing that kept me getting stuffed into my lock or a daily basis was that it was full of books. how am i going to-- ( applause ) you want to lighten those backpacks. they're far too heavy. and all that steers money we're spending on textbooks, bu put it

into digital, into resources students can use right now. >> stephen: he pushed for four-year-olds, a national program where all four-year-olds will have access to preschool. >> absolutely. >> stephen: why do you want to take our children away from us? ( laughter ) they are at their most adorable. and how do you pay for something like that? that's an enormous, enormous price tag. >> it's the best investment we can make. longitudinal studies, 7-to-1 return on investment. when you have high-quality early childhood education, less crime, less teenaged pregnancy, more high school graduates, more folks going to college, most folks entering the workforce. it's the best investment we can make. >> stephen: i want to do the math here. fiinvest in one pre-kindergartner, i get seven of them when they graduate. >> that's exactly right. >> stephen: i'm in. arne duncan, u.s. secretary of

education. we'll be right back back ñ/

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, everybod captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪