dean & deluca have the answer. it's called glace luxury ice at the luxury price of $75 for just 10 cubes, opener not cubes-- technically orbs individually carved from a 300-pound block to ensure flawless quality. using techniques derived from famed austrian sculptor eis kub-trei. ( cheers and applause ) good work, good work. and you can be sure that this ice won't contaminate your premium hooch, because glace has a zero-taste profile. i believe it. when you spend $75 for a bag of handcarved ice, that is totally tasteless. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and it is the height of

conspicuous-- folks. it is the height of conspicuous consumption, because an hour later you're literally pissing your money away. folks, i believe that individually carved ice is a start. but, you know, what, the flavor of my premium high balls can still be ruined by the exhaled co2 of not rich people. that's why tonight i'm proud to be offering this $200 bag of stephen colb-air. ( cheers and applause ) there we go. all right, hold on, hold on. you see, it's a premium mixture of gases, specifically crafted for breathability, and with a zero-smell profile harvested from high in outside my sphiewdio. i just add a little bit to my drink here. there you go. there you go. you know what?

you know what? i think this air needs to breathe a little bit. i think i'll leave that open. next up, folks, our mission herality colbert platinum is to offer advice for all members of the uberrich set. i'd like to share a tip with the underserved wealth community. dictators, in a subsegment i called "stephen cobare's hot dip ticks." if you're a shadowy, developing world despot with money and availables to burn you'll want to get a hold of this season's must-have accessory. >> kanye west pocketed some $3 million performing for a controversial dictator. the rapper flew all the way to kazakhstan to play at the president's grandson's wedding. he's been accused of stealing the country's oil for himself

and violate, human rights, including murder. >> stephen: now, i know what you're thinking, what is this power hungry megalomaniac doing hanging out with the president of kazakhstan. it's simple, folks-- money talks and celebrities have excellent hearing. personally, i do this kind of gig all the time. robert mugabe said he loved my mark twain one-man show. the critics did not like it. the point is, kanye and i are not the only a-lifters available to toast your prepressive regime. >> the concert organized by china's state-owned oil company, jennifer lopez sang happying about the to turkmenistan's ruler, kurbanguly berdymukhamedov. it is a country so repressive it once banned circuses and operas

and where the state department says arbitrary arrest, toort torture, and disregard for civil liberties happen frequently. >> stephen: okay, maybe, but the chinese state oil company was in a terrible position. they had to get j. lo to single happy birthday because you can't fit kurbanguly berdymukhamedov on a cake. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, now,-- ( applause ) lovely couple. now, my friend kerbie's done some questionable things, yes, but that doesn't mean j. lo was wrong here. >> j. lo's reps say, "had there been knowledge of human rights issues of any kind, jennifer would not have attended." >> stephen: thank you. how could she have known about turkmenistan's appalling human rights records? google? the point is, if you're a megalomaniacal despot get

yourself an american celebrity because if the price is right, they will perform for anyone no matter how much they have crushed the little guy. i mean, alex baldwin does those capital one ads. we'll be right back.@@@@@@ á

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. nation, you know that stephen

colbert has always been a huge fan of advertising. i only wish commercials weren't constantly interrupted by long stretches of characters and stories. who cares who murder who? i just want to see two different paper towels absorb things. ( laughter ) is that all we have? all right. that's why on my show i promote products whenever i can, from wheat thins to doritos, to liberian conflict diamonds. she won't be the only one who shed a tear over that engagement ring. so-- yeah, ooooh! so whenever there's a new innovation in advertising, i take notice, folks. and i was truly impressed by the genius of this recent ad from the good folks at cheerios. >> mom. did dad ever give you cheerios when you were a little kid?

>> yeah, she did cheerios has pretty much been forever. >> when we have cheerios it's kind of like we're having breakfast withnan nana. >> yeah. ( applause ) >> stephen: oh, nana! ( applause ) folks, the best ideas always seem-- ( laughter ) so obvious in hindsight, yet somehow nobody thought to leverage the death of a grandparent to hawk some hooch

of oates. i used to eat sear without considering the long lines of loved one who shuffled off this mortal coil leaving me to face my march to abliffion alone, weighed down by the chains of the past. it was just something i ate when i didn't have time to make pancakes. now i can't walk down a cereal aisle without entering a haupted house of loss and regrets. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) clean up in isle 10.

but, folks, as impressed as i am with the work of soul-rending marketing yeens, it also was cause for alarm because apparently cheerios are haunted by the spirits of the dead. ( laughter ) ( applause ) pimean, you heard that kid. when you eat cheerios the depart roam your breakfast nook. they're a portal between our world and the purratory. be gone from my milky bowl! ( cheers and applause ) i mean, folks the warning-- the warning signs were always there. how did we never notice that a bowl full of cheerios spells oooo-oooo. the cheerios now joins the ranks of undead endorsed cereals like count chocula. booyakasha. fiberatu through a rough annual of horror.

and chithu-loops. chithu-loops, the fruit flavors are too horrid for the human

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is arne duncan. ( cheers and applause ). good to see you. please, sit down. all right. good to see you again. it's been a few years. >> nice to be back. >> stephen: nice to have a cabinet member here. tell your boss to stop by sometime. >>il. >> stephen: before we get into the nitty grif gritty, today is constitution day, is that true? >> yes, sir. >> stephen: i want to ask you a little quiz see how well you know the constitution. >> put me on the spot. >> stephen: which of the following is not mentioned in the constitution-- the department of education.

or it was the first one? why do we have a department of education? >> the answer is a, but we have a department of education because we need to be able to read the constitution. >> stephen: okay, all right. ( cheers and applause ). well played. well played. now, let's talk about the becomeobamaadministration's goar education. what is "race to the top" and why does everything have to be about race with this guy? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> this race is important. >> stephen: okay, what is it? what race to the top? >> we want to lead the world in college graduation rates. we did it a generation ago. today we're 12th. we need to catch up. >> stephen: who is beating us? >> many countries. >> stephen: i don't like other countries now. >> we have to reduce hoofl dropout rate, increase high

school graduation rates and we have to make sure every child has a chance to make a great education. >> stephen: is college for everybody? i went to college and learned about morrissey. you know. >> let me start, if you drop out of high school today you're basically condemned to poverty and social failure. there are no good jobs out there. you have to graduate from high school in some form of higher education i would argue is right for everyone. >> stephen: and in the race to the top, are we still leaving no child behind or do we have to cut them lose because they can't race? no child left behind, is there any of that left? >> no child left behind is basically broken. we want congress to fix that broken law. unfortunately, congress is pretty broken and so we have partnered with states. have a high bar, college and career standards for every child and we'll give you a lot more room to be creative. the best ideas in education frankly don't come from me.

they don't come from anyone else in washington. they come from local teachers ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: let's talk about the states and what they're adding to this mix. in 2010, the states got together and created something called the common core. >> they raised standard. >> stephen: i understand there will be emphasis on things like reading literature, like reading "treasure island" and learning to read manuals, more memos. >> that's what i -- >> stephen: i've been told. is that true? >> you want children reading everything. you want literature and you want them reading the constitution, you want plays and poetry. >> stephen: and instruction manuals? and instruction manuals? is that part of it? because i read instruction manuals and memos. is that true? if so, when can i go back to high school?

is that part true? >> a memo here and there wouldn't be the end of the world. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that was, like, pulling teeth without an instruction manual okay, i've heard that the obama administration wants to get rid of printed textbooks and go to all digital. is that true? >> i think we need to move from print to digital as fast as we can. we spend each year-- every school is underfund p. each year we spend $7 to $9 billion on textbooks which they are obsolete when you buy them. >> stephen: when i was in high school the only thing that kept me getting stuffed into my lock or a daily basis was that it was full of books. how am i going to-- ( applause ) you want to lighten those backpacks. they're far too heavy. and all that steers money we're spending on textbooks, bu put it

into digital, into resources students can use right now. >> stephen: he pushed for four-year-olds, a national program where all four-year-olds will have access to preschool. >> absolutely. >> stephen: why do you want to take our children away from us? ( laughter ) they are at their most adorable. and how do you pay for something like that? that's an enormous, enormous price tag. >> it's the best investment we can make. longitudinal studies, 7-to-1 return on investment. when you have high-quality early childhood education, less crime, less teenaged pregnancy, more high school graduates, more folks going to college, most folks entering the workforce. it's the best investment we can make. >> stephen: i want to do the math here. fiinvest in one pre-kindergartner, i get seven of them when they graduate. >> that's exactly right. >> stephen: i'm in. arne duncan, u.s. secretary of

education. we'll be rightack. back.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, everybod captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] >> i'm jon stewart.

we put a show together for you tonight. one of our favorites is going to be joining us from the movie prisoners, jake gyllenhaal will be joining us. [cheers and applause] he has the beard that i'm missing. [laughter] whoa is friend. so in the absence of breaking news, cable news channels rely on a variety of one tactic, to hold the viewer's attention, concise informative reporting. [laughter] it's actually this. >> can i finish -- >> no you wanted me -- >> you are lying. >> i'm not lying. >> don't call me a liar. >> go back to 1996. >> yes, i am. >> do you know what i think,. >> let me finish. >> you want to know what american -- [laughter]

>> jon: now now now good simultaneous points everybody. but that took so long to watch. can we still cable news down to its crunchy center. [laughter] >> jon: when i said let's have a baboon, that's amazing. [laughter] i didn't think we could find that. [laughter] wow. we have the best research staff in the country. [laughter] but of course that's just 24 hour cable. still slow news they conflict chum. it's what cable news channels do while waiting for events that truly justify their existence, urgent soul crushing breaking news like mass shooting. the kind that happens all too frequently in this pathologically unable to try and stop them country. it's times like these we require the type of context and clarity that only these noble dormant

cable giants. [laughter] why are you laughing? [laughter] can provide. >> i don't want to speculate but. >> i'm sorry, did i say context clarity. i meant speculation. yes for every all too familiar american tragedy you can be sure the news will exacerbate it with yet another force five wrong-nado. get inside everybody, get inside. get inside and hope for a power outage. >> if there were as many three shooters, that would change this situation dramatically. >> right now nbc news the has the report of just one shooter. there were earlier reports about multiple shooters. there has been a name that's been reported, but we're told that the name that's out there is incorrect by the end of the rampage awe laxes had a shotgun, he had a handgun, he had an

ar15. >> there were initial reports from authorities that the shooter in this case used an ar15. that apparently now is not true. >> again we're speculating here but this is experienced speculation. >> oh, yes it is. [laughter] >> i'm an old hand when it comes to speculation, been doing it since you were a gleam in your pappy's eyes. i was the first one suggested john f. kennedy was killed by spontaneous combustion. turned out to be wrong. heehee. [laughter] >> jon: do you know for sheer accumulation roughness wrongness there's really only one source that matters. >> this is cnn. >> jon: a little bi.>> a littl, i don't know what that means. a couple officers rushing down the streets toward those flashing lights. you see some tactical vehicles moving around here. we saw at least four swat team members with helmets on what appeared to be night vision

goggles, we see some squad cars around here. this apparently is some kind of a rescue chopper and we've seen kind of a rescue basket or something. that's about as low as we've seen him go. so that is kind of an interesting development. >> jon: no, no that's not an interesting development. those are not interesting developments. you're standing in front of a camera naming [bleep] you see. it's not anything. [cheers and applause] >> it's like walking down the street with a five-year-old. [laughter] police. fire hydrant. they have their search for the no, sir banal spaks. >> paul, are you on the line. let's go to barbara starr because she knows about this building. how large is this building, barbara?