[laughter] i watch your show because you make fun of all races. ps, you should go a little harder on the asians. [laughter] duly noted. [laughter] your freaking hilarious! you make a dull day so much brighter! now, i know it's a picture of a white girl, but i assume that's just his baby momma. [laughter] you remind me of my boy, shifty, who got locked up eight months ago. [laughter] i miss shifty. we all miss shifty. thank you for coming out. god bless you. good night. [cheers & applause] >> stephen: tonight, cable news brings back a classic series. could it be a rock 3. a rock harder.

then i review an exciting children's book. i don't care how hungry that caterpillar is. it's not getting food stamps. and my guest chris fisher is a conservationist who tracks great white sharks. a flight was grounded because there was a snake on the plane. it's just like the samuel l. jackson movie, django unchained. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!

stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, so much. thank you in there, out there, all around the world. thank you for joining us. and by "us" of course i mean us. ( cheers and applause ) we're a family now because i've adopted them. ( laughter ) come tax time i will be claiming them as dependents. in addition to being honored on the emmys, i was promptly featured on a television show people actually watch. >> you wea awake? >> yeah. >> we have ben & jerry's, wenut butter cup, and americone dream. >> stephen: that's right. my ice cream.

americone dream. the only ice cream liked by sociopathic white strem sifts. it does keep the vanilla separate from the caramel. this is the biggest cue since "silence of the lambs" endorsed nivea. folks, i believe-- it's about damn time they did this after all the times i have plugged their product "the blue." upon what might put you in the mindset for mayhem? a nice big bag of meth. some of the tasty blue. hey, i plug what the network tells me to. sometimes it's doritos. sometimes it's 92% pure methamphetamine. both made by guys in hazmat the suits. and, folk,s they don't just

mention my ice cream on "breaking bad." it has a key role in the plot. before my ice cream, jesse can't reach the bars of his cienl, but after eating my ice cream, he can leap like an eagle. ( cheers and applause ). and i'll tell you where he got that energy. every pint of americone dream is made with love. and meth. ( laughter ) i had to do something to compete with jimmy fallon's "late night smack." ( laughter ) and, folks, to celebrate the cultural impact of americone dream as well as the series finale of this show, monday night my guest will be "breaking bad" creator vince gilligan. spoiler alert, spoiler alert, folks -- we are going to spoil everything. so watch it sunday night. now, nation there are some

people who complain that political discourse in this country has become too polarized and overhe wanted. well, i hope those people get shot. i for one love a good argument, and that is why i am so excited about the return of cnn' cnn's "crossfire" which back in the 80s practically invented people yelling incoherently at each other. i love watching people fly off the handle. that's why my favorite show is the return desk at best buy. you just don't know what's going to happen. and until the revamped "crossfire" appeared earlier this month, the only plaes you could find intract ebl political shoutfest was everywhere else on capable news. and i knew this new "crossfire" was gog deliver as soon as i saw the promo. >> conservatives and liberals ls

have a responsibility to the country to advance ow views and they're not the same. >> i am going to scis of disagree with you pause i think you're all wrong. >> stephen: did you catch that, the all new cross-fire returns. even the tag line is arguing with itself. ( cheers and applause ). people are very excited about the new "crossfire." but, nation yshould cnn viewers have all the-- let's call it fun? tiwant in on this new era of bickertainment. so tonight i'm introducing the triumphant return of my briefly nonexistent debate segment, coincidentless, counter-pointless. folks, i've seen him participate as a debater. in this segment i'll be serving as the debate moderator making

thiewr thing tonight get too moderate. i have found two perfect adversaries to appeal it a young demographic. fers on the right, he has friends in high places. please welcome big bird. good to see you. is there and to my left please welcome oscar the growth. gentlemenk gentlemen, thuf for joining me. how are you doing this evening? >> crummy. >> stephen: how about you, big bird? >> well, toon honest, stephen, i'm a little nervous. >> stephen: that's okay big pird. just be yourself. be myself, hmmmm. i'm to go it. >> stephen: tonight we're debating the most controversial topics of our times started with

the letters. big bird what, say you? >> oh, i like the letters. lot of great things start with s., like sunshine, and sailboat, stephen. and, stephen, your name starts with. so big bird likes the letters. tell me, do we still needs. stephen i like the letters, so many words show your. that's when people use big birds. that's annoying. and grouches love being annoyed. >> stephen: wait a second, you both like the the letter "s." that's shocking. >> oh, shocking start with the letter "s." >> stephen: hey, knock it

off. the whole idea of this show is isagreement i meade you to argue. >> no. >> what? you won't do that? >> no, i'm sorry. i thought you wanted me to argue with you? >> no, not me whim. jiewf just supposed to fight. come on, let's talk some trash. oh, that i can do. crash is great so dirty and disgusting and yuckie. ♪ ♪. >> stephen: jimmy what's happening ♪ oh, i love trash ♪. >> stephen: oscar. >> anything dirty or dingy or dusty ♪ anything ragged or rotten or rustied. yes, i love trash. no, what am i doing? stop it? stop it. anger, now get angry, go. but i'm not angry.

oscar surely you're angry. no, no, i'm crowding a but sit burden of proof emotional distinction. distinction. >> stephen: well i'm angry. i'm angry you two aren't angry. >> that's silly. you need help. >> stephen, whenever i get angry, i put my hands on my belly, i take deep breaths to calm down. >> stephen: i don't want to calm down! i just want to have a debate show like everybody else where they yell and scream. this is the worst debate show ever! ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> gee, i thought it was pretty cool. >> no, it was lousy. >> i liked it. >> i thought i was supposed to be the one who liked trash. >> stephen: we'll be right back! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )  ÷

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, if you are a longtime viewer of this show you know i admire conservative radio host and angry scoop of ice cream, rush limbaugh. that's why i buyering pel out by elrush bows media empire-- his books, his t-shirts, even his excellence in broadcasting executive office chair. it has the perfect swivel action you need when you're mocking michael j. fox's parkinson's.

well, get ready, folks. because now rush has written a book for kids. >> the conservative commentator announced he's written "rush revere and the brave pilgrims." time travel adventures with exceptional americans. it tells his version of the thanksgiving story. >> stephen: yes, "rush revere and the brave pilgrims" and you know they're brave because they're willing to put themselves between rush and a turkey. just look at the cover. it's almost 40% not his ha head. it features rush revere, a substitute middle school teacher and a very special sidekeck. >> we've gichen him a horse. we've given him a talking horse. liberty talks. >> stephen: of course, rib tee is mostly saying, "good lord. are you shire there's only one guy sitting on me. ( laughter ) ( applause )

the other end of the horse tells us more. >> liberty has the ability to time travel. so in this book rush revere gl to the "mayflower" and liberty and talk to the pilgrims aworld the "mayflower" as they're sailing to what will become america. >> stephen: i know that was a lot for you, folks. rush revere is a modern day middle school teacher who dresses like paul revere, and-- this is very important-- is not an oxycontin hallucination. ( cheers and applause ). of course, rush revere isn't just a time traveling equestrian substitute teacher. he's also the mascot for rush's two if by tea bottled iced tea. it's the greatest corporate children's lit tie-in since one fish, two fish, red fish, radio

shack. and rush is not the only conservative hurt lick through time. in 2011, mike huckabee spruced the "time travel academy" series about teens going back in time to learn history without liberal bias. prepare to be huckified. >> >> the downturn in the economy is killing us. people are out of work. some of our morals are just gone. >> give me your money. >> government is not the solution to our problems. government is the problem. >> stephen: good luck find a history book that teaches how reagan saved america from disco stabbers. and who can forget calista calia gingrich's ellis the elephant series. in "sweet land of liberty," ellis goes back to the time of the founder founders and discovt all men are created equal, which apparently includes elephants, but not tblak people. now, it's no diswen all these conservatives are using time travel to teach our kids. it's the best way to fight back

against the liberal version of history, or as it's sometimes known, history. well, folking, i want in. tonight, ladies and gentlemen, i am introducing my own time traveling children's book series, stephen c. ross sews the flag of history. the the central character is a mail betsy ross who visits different times in american history with the help of tax cuts. and if stephen c. ross looks familiar it's because she's also the mask opt of my rockets red dairy two for 10 milk. it is guaranteed to be at least 2% are milk. ( cheers and applause ) together-- ( cheers and applause ) together, me and tax cut travel

to historic moments to teach kids about america's greatness and sell our founderrers high-quality discount factory second milk. in our newest adventure sex cut back to make love in order to be my own father, mother, and son. inspired by true events. ( cheers and applause ). we'll be right back, and i know that because i'm a time

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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back everybody. my guest tonight is a researcher. you never want to hear him say, "will you be my chum?" please welcome chris fisher. ( cheers and applause ) >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: mr. fisher, dr. fisher? >> chris. >> stephen: chris. >> stevein. pleasure. >> stephen: good to see you.

you are the founder of o-search a scientific organization that tracks shark with the aims of protect will them. >> that's right. >> stephen: why would i want someone to protect a shark? it's kill or be killed. law of the water jungle. >> believe it or not if we don't love on our sharks, they're the lions of the ocean. they keep everything in order. if we move them from the system, the whole system will collapse. >> stephen: we already have lions of the ocean. they're called sea lions. >> we don't want too many sea lion. >> stephen: why? >> because they'll eat all the bait and fish and then we'll have nothing to carb with. >> if we lose our sharks we lose the ocean. >> stephen: how do we keep the sharks down. you have to admit. you if we don't keep the population of sharks down, there could be a shark nato.

we need loss of sharks. who is keeping them down right now? >> right now we're losing 2,000 a day to thing. >> stephen: wait air, day? 200,000 a day? how many people are being killed by sharks a day, 400,000? >> zero. just a couple a year. >> stephen: so we're win being. so that's the bright side. i think we have some folk of photos of, thats up here, throobs of there's-- what are we looking at here. you me a white that needs a new branding agent. >> stephen: let's look at some friendlier photos of the white shark. there gu. this is our emage of the white shark. what should my image of the white shark be, cute and cuddly. just tell us are they lovers or

fighters. fighters. >>ic it's like a fighter you have to respect. that's a shark killing a seal. >> that's exactly what we need them to be doing. >> stephen: you're a conservist. what does dseals ever do do you? did one beat you up in high school? >> i have had them come down and take over my sharks. >> you say they're being killed for fins. why do you want just soup, press siege, a $100 bowl of soup. as the flowe. >> stephen: what are you doing to protect them? >> we have to know where they life and give birth. we're capturing the massive sharks, use of letting scientists use the latest

technology to solve the problem of your lives. we can look at the breathing side. we can look at the baby sharks in the nursery. believe it or not you don't know where those places are? we don't know where sharks have their babies? >> not of no, we do not. who the the white shark. as soon as we find that police. we're putting a hose into the mouth of the shark. this is what is left on the boat to kill you. >> we brought it in and we'll review 12 research projects 15 minutes after time we have. everybody can track them online opinion. >> stephen: where do they go? >> cape cod shark out of the northeast and live in the southeast. >> stephen: i'm from the southeast. if a 4,000.

>> >> stephen: were there great wheets out there. >> they've always been there swimming around for millions of years. >> stephen: for millions of years. how long have sharks been on earth. >> stephen: over 400 million years. >> stephen: but that you were here with the dinosaurs. >> stephen: they did, and they had a very good run. hopefully that run will contin continue. >> stephen: do we know how old sharks get? they get to be about 7200, and they won't. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you for having me. shark conservist chris fisher from ocearch. we'll be right back. á