for business. finally a chance to use our famous nation-building skills right at home. (laughter) and jimmy, tell the folks what else we've won. >> the federal government has shut its doors for the first time in nearly two decades. >> the landmark monuments and museums in washington, d.c. will be shut down. i.r.s. tax refunds will be suspended. new home loans from the federal housing administration won't be processed. the nation's 400 national parks will be shut down. virtually all of nasa will go dark. >> employees at the e.p.a., the environmental protection agency which regulates the quality of our air and water, they could lose 94% of its work force. >> stephen: no e.p.a.? okay, well, time to dump some old house paint down the storm drain! (laughter) there we go. captioning sponsored by there we go. comedy central (laughter) captioned by media access group at wgbh this will take a second. access.wgbh.org sorry. there you go. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the sorry. sorry, dolphins.

you had a good run. (laughter) you know what? water used to be blue until i dumped this (bleep) in there. there you go. now, folks, the federal government may be shuttered, but the colbert nation is alive and well. (cheers and applause) and i am proud and prepared to fill the power vacuum as you are lord of the afterscape! (cheers and applause) ur-lord lord of the afterscape. bow before me! bring me tributes of sheep and unsoiled daughters! i also accept visa! (laughter) i will seize all government functions. who needs the f.d.a.? just send me your drugs. i'll test them for you. (laughter) for instance, these right here belong to -- these belong to brenda, my stage manager.

(laughter) (cheers and applause) i will let her know in 14 days if i love late. (laughter) if i ovulate. i'm feeling a little tender. of course, not all services are so easily replaced. >> also dark, the national zoo's panda cam. the volunteers who run the camera are not allowed on zoo property while the shutdown is in effect. >> stephen: well, that one really hits home! but don't worry, i got that one covered, too. jay, come on out here, everybody. jay the intern, everybody. (cheers and applause) jay. jay, how's the bamboo taste. >> i lost a tooth. >> stephen: well, choke it down, mei pang, you will need your strength for mating. >> what? i'm going to mate with a lady

panda? >> stephen: not a lady panda, jay. (laughter) jay, back in the cage, america is watching. come on, chop-chop. come on, let's get going. (cheers and applause) go, go! don't forget to display your hand quarters. he likes that. (laughter) folks, despite the total failure of our government to perform its most basic function, there's also some bad news: obamacare is here and the obamacare horror stories are rolling in. >> the obamacare bumpy start already. error messages, glitches in the first few hours. >> stephen: some individual states are experiencing even more severe glitches. if you tried to sign up in new jersey this morning you were told that the entire system was down! >> the federally run site for obamacare exchanges in 36 states is posting error messages because it can not handle the volume of traffic. >> stephen: too many people signing up is always the surest sign that nobody wants it. (laughter) but even if, folks, even if the

sign-up process works perfectly, fox host susteren van greta knows that this so-called health care for everyone will leave people behind. >> if i don't have a computer, what about me? >> there is a call-in -- call center for folks who would prefer to do it over the phone and there are also in-person assisters, people called navigators who sort of teamed up with community organizations, churches, organizations like that to offer in person. >> stephen: where do i go? how do i know? it's like i don't have a clue. >> they -- that's sort of the easiest way to find out where to go is health care.gov. >> so i need a computer! >> stephen: oh, so the affordable health care act requires everyone to buy a computer. (laughter) which you can't even order online without, you guessed it, a computer. (laughter) so now i need two computers? (laughter) welcome to obama's america! there was some other way to sign

up? what was that? >> there is a call-in -- a call center for folks who would prefer to do it over the phone. >> stephen: the phone? you mean mr. bell's demon box? (laughter) how am i supposed to navigate this infernal contraption? i don't have a clue! i mean, look at these numbers. why is there even a hashtag button down here? (laughter) are we supposed to tweet our health problems now? (laughter) hashtag thunder junk. great. now everybody in america knows i have that chronic thunder junk. (laughter) clearly just signing up for this boondoggle is a cask aesque labyrinth wrapped in an m.c. escher painting trapped in one of those clam shell headphone packages. i will see you in hell, panasonic! (laughter) but, folks, all is not lost. there is one last hope for defeating obamacare. >> there's a message war under way and the target is healthy

young people. so if young people don't sign up for obamacare, for insurance on the insurance exchanges when it opens, when they open october 1, the law is going to be in real trouble. >> they need these people. they need their premiums to cover those who are sicker and have higher costs. >> stephen: yes. obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. it's a devious con that can only be described as -- insurance. (laughter) so, folks, the battle comes down to who can win over the young. and the president is trolling for our kids on the internet. >> the white house is tweeting photos of hamsters and pandas, rebranding it as the adorable care act. >> it's a social media campaign called the adorable care act features pictures of these cute little animals alongside messages of support for the health care law. that one, i believe, is a mouse. it could be a hamster, i don't

know. >> stephen: it could be a mouse, it could be a hamster, i don't know. thanks to obamacare, it could be a rat that had gerbil reassignment surgery. (laughter) who knows? sick stuff. sick stuff. folks, i am shocked that democrats are engaged in this crude emotional manipulation! they're usually not this good at it. (laughter) so tonight i have started a campaign i'm calling the abominable care act featuring ugly animals revealing the true dangers of obamacare. for instance, "i pick my own doctor and he cut off my balls, thanks, obamacare!" (laughter) fortunately i'm not the only one out here fighting back against the scourge of affordable health care for everyone. there's also generation opportunity, a political group for young people funded by the koch brothers. the k-brahs!

bros before h.m.o.s! (laughter) the kochs go with youth like peanut butter goes with ensuring. (laughter) what's up? generation opportunity is spearheading a campaign encouraging youth to opt out of obamacare. as the group's president youth raps to the street kids "what we're trying to communicate is, no, you're actually not required to buy health insurance, you might have to pay a fine but that's going to be cheaper for you and better for you." yes! it's going to be cheaper and better for you! not only do you get to pay a fine, you also don't get insurance! it's like renting instead of buying and then not getting a place to live! (laughter) and to reach the young lings, gen-op is hosting college football tailgate parties and passing out beer koozies that read "opt out." this is a great idea.

because why would a drunk college student ever need health insurance? (laughter) (audience reacts) we'll be right back-- though i'm not sure about this guy. (laughter)

>> stephen: hola. you just caught me celebrating hispanic culture. i'm wearing mexico's official hat and the traditional mexican area rug with the hole cut in it. (laughter) and i'm heating up un muy authentico burrito from siete once. (laughter) hey! hey, that's really (bleep)ing hot! (laughter) you know what? wow! (laughs) that is much hotter than we rehearsed! that would go great with un gulpo mass grande. it's such a rich culture. himmy, play me some mexican music to get me over to the desk. ♪ come on shake your body ♪ baby do that conga ♪ i know you can't control yourself any longer ♪

♪ ♪ >> stephen: you see, folks, i am celebrating my latino hermanos and hismanos even more than usual because it is hispanic heritage month which runs from september 15 to act 15. yes, even their heritage month jumped the border. (laughter) when will we finally build the fence? folks, national hispanic heritage month goes all the way back to 1968 when it was first approved by famous latino-american president leendon yonson. (laughter) and my friends over at fox news have really taken their hispanic heritage festivities up a notch this year by having some. jim? let's start the celebration. >> mexico is not a friend to the u.s.a. >> los angeles county set to pay $650 million in welfare benefits this year to illegals who have children. >> illegal aliens are destroying

that state. >> heinous crimes committed by illegal aliens occur regularly. >> instead of calling them illegals, let's call them occupiers or trespassers or invaders or squatters. (audience reacts). >> stephen: oh, i'm sorry! that was wrong footage. i mean, some of that is from way back in september of -- this september. (laughter) jimmy, show them the new latino heritage honoring fox news. >> goya foods is a third-generation family-run billion-dollar operation. a lot of people just know them for their rice and beans. you'll find goya products just about everywhere. >> thank you for that wonderful report from the international foods aisle. (laughter) i look forward to fox news' report on italian heritage featuring chef boyardee. (laughter) all this month, ladies and gentlemen, fox news has been loaded with moving tributes to latino culture. >> an estimated 100,000 children of 60,000 undocumented parents received aid in l.a. county. >> stephen: did you catch

that? chris wallace was talking about the offspring of undocumented immigrants and his graphic reads "children of the corn." (audience reacts) folks, that's just hispanic heritage. either because they pick corn or they eat a lot of corn or because that movie about a cult of children who murder every adult in town. it's still a compliment because hispanic kids murder everyone for half the price. (laughter) fox news, bravo! that is an hispanic word, i don't know what it means but you get one. and i look forward to your next round of flattering characterizations of hispanic kids like nacho chips off the ole block and mexican humping beans. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight stars in the

movie "kill your darlings" about a young beat poet. i'll pretend to understand him more than i actually do. please welcome daniel radcliffe! (cheers and applause) hey, daniel! good to see you. sit down! >> thank you! >> stephen: super excited to have you on. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. i've been a fan for a while. >> stephen: i've been a fan of yours since you were just -- the height you are now, actually. >> exactly. i was going to say. >> stephen: i was expect a