frankly, folks, i cannot even look at our so-called commander in chief. jimmy, can i get a picture of him please. thank you. (laughter) he is always weakening our military preparedness and unity cohesion. first he gets rid of don't ask don't tell. suddenly an officer and a gentleman sounds like date night. and now, now this. >> the department of defence is thinking about spending millions and millions of your dollars to buy our marines new hats or as they call them covers. and here's the problem. apparently not many want to wear them. some people think the new hat looks far too girlly. >> looks to me like the fem anyization of the marine corps. >> stephen: clearly the fem anyization of marine corp. i mean they're cutting off the balls of montezuma. it's semper fi, not search bi. and i'm not the only one who is enraged. new yorks' "the new york post" said it looks like it came from the shops of christopher street. (laughter)

well, then si have to assume the new hat is a neon mesh and secured with a ball gag. all right, jim, let's see this new girlie hat-as trophy next to the current deny. oh, o my god, look at that i just cannot tell which one is the new one. (laughter) which one-- oh, it's the one on the right, the one on the right, yeah, hate those. it's so feminine, i'm just ovulating looking at them. (laughter) this hat might as well be made of tampons and copies of eat, pray, love. i mean those two inches of extra brim is the difference between marine and maureen. now sure, the department of defence says the proposed hat is based on the one worn by world war i hero and two time medal of honor winner sergeant major dan daley. what does that guy know about being manly. he's wearing two necklaces and a broach.

all that is missing is the matching earrings. mark my words, folks. next obama will have the army rangers in barratts and dress the navy up in little sailor suits. we're not selling cracker jacks here. oh, and you can forget wearing cameo, soon our soldiers will all be wearing georgia o'keeffe paintings. (laughter) and that reminded me of something. that reminded me of something. i don't-- if anything, folks, if anything, our military hats should be more manly. i say we make them out of beef jerky and shark's teeth. that is just me. folks, nation, folks, i don't need to tell you about all the charitable work i do. that's what my publicist is for. but i do do it. and i realize i just said do-do. (laughter) the point is i'm a great guy. even though i don't give to charity any more. but it's not my fault. you see, our stagnant economy has taken its toll on all charitable giving.

donations to the top 400 charities are down this year, even my charity, the stephen and melinda gates foundation has had to cut back on our important work of figuring out what we were raising money for. we were this close to a cause. fortunately one organization out there is using the free market to create proper incentives for doing the right thing. and it brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) philan-trophy. folks, nothing tugs at the heart strings more than animal charities. although i for one don't know why sarah mclachlan has imprisoned all of those dogs and cats. let them go, you monster! (laughter) and i believe it is especially important to protect our dwindling endangered species. especially, folks, especially the black rhino. you see, there are-- there

are only about 5,000 of these ma guess particular creatures left in the world, down 96% since the mid 70s. now one of the reasons they have been dying out is poachers are killing them and harvesting their parts for traditional medicine. for instance, in china it's believed powdered black rhino horn can cure a wide variety of ailments from snakebites to devil possession. wow, those chinese have some crazy beliefs. everybody knows the way to cure devil possession is with holy water. (laughter) now luckily-- luckily, folks, one group has stepped forward with a bold conservation plan, the dallas sav ari club has announced they will save the endangered black rhino by auctioning off the chance to shoot one. like the old saying, if you love something, set it free. then when it has a bit of a head start, open fire.

and, folks, the savvy club spokesman is approaching the sensitive subject of sacrificing an endangered species for the greater good, with all the gravity you could hope for. >> the dallas safari club will be auctioning off a black rhino hunt in namibia at this year's convention. i'm super stoked about this. folks, the money goes to something incredible, the trophy is just astronomicalment coy not imagine having a black rhino. i cannot even begin to tell you how rare this is. >> best of all, the more you shoot, the rarer it gets. now the safari club is auctioning off a special rhino hunting permit from the namibian government, expected to rake in three quarters of a million dollars, all of which goes directly to namibia's black rhino conservation trust. and folks, the rhinos, if any of you are worried, the

rhinos will never even notice. as dallas safari club executive director ben carter said black rhinos tend to have a fairly high mortality rate. generally speaking out of a population of 2,000, harvesting three rhinos over a couple or three years has no impact on the health of the rhino herd at all. yes, there isn't much impact if you kill one rhino or three rhinos, or how about this, we shoot all 5,000 remaining rhinos that will bring in 3.7 billion dollars, and we can use that cash to keep one last rhino savly confined. folks, this is the only, i believe, i believe this is the only practical way to save the species. because as dallas sav are club director ben carter further said, people are talking about why don't you do a photo safari or whatever. that's great but people don't pay for that. he's right. no one will pay for a photo. that's not a trophy. how are you going to hang a photo on your wall.

but think about it, if we really want to raise some cash, you know what people do pay for? they pay for sex. to save this endangered animal, the dallas safari club should auction off a night we a rhino. now i'm not saying-- folks, i'm not saying that someone should go [bleep] a black rhino. that's sick. i'm saying they should make love to it. (laughter) now in the morning, in the morning-- that might be-- that idea is very popular with the people. in 9 morning, in the morning you just leave 750,000 dollars on the dresser. if you don't call the fix day she'll understand. nation, this dallas rhino club idea can raise money

for all sorts of important causes. i mean who amongst us hasn't seen a homeless manning begging on the streets and felt deep sadness that you could not hunt him for sport. i mean new york city, think about this, new york city opera just recently had to close for lack of funds. if only they would have let us hunt the fat lady. i mean i happen to know their horns are an aphrodisiac in norway. but you know what? you know what nonprofit organization could really use this kind of fund-raising technique? the dallas safari club. i say we just auction off a chance to hunt one member. i mean they'll understand. i mean also it's such a beautiful pelt. i mean you know what, i might make a vest out of it. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) h:i(e]c

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, nation, i don't trust vegetables. you always see them growing but you never see them eat. what's up. so when i carve pumpkins it's not for halloween, it's a warning. this is what i do to you. and this vege-terror is only getting worse because there a new crop out of england and it might be the craziest [bleep] thing i've ever

heard. >> warning, folks, what you are about to see may cause you to burglarize your pants. jim. >> it's a plant which produces both tomatoes and potato. >> above the ground you can harvest up to 500 cheree sized tomatoes but that's not all. below the ground you can harvest your own crop of delicious white potatoes. >> stephen: that's unnatural. the only time tomatoes and potato should meet is at the bottom of a styrofoam clam shell. besides it's disgusting. without would want a potato that comes out of the ground, it's filthy. and vegetables should not be mating with other species. this is mis-veg nation, it's adam and eve, not adam and endive. and just listen, listen how these mad bot annises created their vegetable medley. >> the inventor plant is being created using a grafting process, by taping

the ends of two plantsing to. it worked in this case because tomatoes are members of the potato family, so they are naturally compatible. >> tomato and potato plants taped end-to-end. throw a turn i in there and you can stitch together the vegetable centipede. and the name, wait a second, tom-tato, where did they get that name, it's half potato and half tomato, it should be called the pote-at that timeo. whatever, you say potato a say toe matho. >> you say tomorrow-tom tato. that's the craziest [bleep] thing i've ever heard.

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>> welcome back, my guest tonight the brrb acker, playwright, journalist, poet, comedian, television host, activist, tinker, tailor, soldier and spy, please welcome stephen fry. >> hey, stephen, good to see you again, please, sit down. nice to see you. >> very nice to be seen by you. >> and we haven't seen each other since we were both on the set of the hobbit. >> that's absolutely right. >> yeah. and your audience, may not be aware of your absolute, profound knowledge of all things tolkien. >> i try to remind them as often as possible. mr. colbert and his family came to wellington, new zealand while we were

filming the hobbit. we created this little quiz, and stephen was pitted against the tolkien expert who is behind the script. and few people know more about tolkien. and tolkien wouldn't have known as much about tolkien. and there at one end was mr. colbert. and there at the other end was-- and stephen won. (cheers and applause) >> you cheer. >> yes, they do cheer. >> you cheer but do think of the implication. between the ages of 13 and 17 he probably didn't know he had a penis. you were just locked in a tragic world of walking trees. >> no, no, i had one, i had a golden ring on it. (laughter) >> very good. >> and i never wanted to put it down. now okay, as i said before, you're an actor,

screenwriter, best selling author, playwright, activist, you're a poor man's james franco. >> but i know my limbs. >> thank you so much for being here, and thank you for being so very english right now. >> yes. i am rather, not deliberately. tweed. >> nothing matches, it's perfect. now you're in 12th night right now on broadway. >> that's right. >> and you are playing the character of malvolio. >> yes. >> stephen: he's the hero of that play, isn't he. >> of course he is, absolutely. >> stephen: because he is the fundamentalist christian who is telling everyone to stop having fun. >> exactly right. he bursts in on a party, and he tells them all to go to bed. and you making an ale house of the house. and it seems to me he is is the hero. unfortunately he is made a fool of by the really unpleasant people. i'm planning to write a sequel called 13th night.

malvolio's revenge because he slaughters them. >> stephen: in a am big pen tamm ter. >> fortunately for me, it is almost entirely in proceeds so i don't have to do-- . >> stephen: you don't have to do-- okay. >> that's right, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: well, you know, one thing that i, one thing i find suspicious about you, is that while i like you as an actor, most actors what i like about them is that they're not really smart. they just play smart people. you actually seem like a smart person and i find that suspicious. >> i know what you mean. >> stephen: why dow value intelligence so much. >> i know, it's so much against the grain of republicanism in america t to-- have a brain and-- . >> stephen: more of this, more of this. >> yeah. >> stephen: you're also an atheist. >> i am an atheist. >> stephen: yes, you are very much an atheist, don't worry, you done have to cheer, i'll get him.

>> i have no objection of people and their invisible friend to talk. >> stephen: s this's very generous of you. that's very generous of a man who has the devil's beard. would you like to look in the camera and apologize to santa claus right now? >> you know what, you probably know this, but it is rather sweet when you think of, all the world's religeons are very interesting. >> stephen: some of them are more interesting because they're true. >> well,. >> stephen: yes, yes, all recipes are interesting. some will kill, some are delicious. >> only one might be true and all these other pios people living are all going to burn in hell because they have not fold the right one. but in japan where christianity is not, you know, the primary importance the common thought is a friend of mine was looking at christmastime and he saw santa claus nailed to a cross. that was there idea christianity, yeah, we have father christmas and a cross, yeah, that's it, yeah.

i think. >> stephen: why not. >> absolutely. >> stephen: you actually also, you have gotten a lot of praise for being very open about your bipolar disorder. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: that must either make you very happy or very sad. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: is that why you speak openly because you want to help other people. >> i'm gay as well because-- . >> stephen: i'm sorry, i didn't -- >> oh. >> stephen: what are you talking about. >> well done, new jersey, by the way. and-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you just disappointed a lot of ladies my friend. >> i'm so sorry. i'm supposed to be plugging also sing may i'm doing with susan sarandon. very much on your level politically i know. called it gets better. i think --. >> stephen: i know it gets better. >> without getting-- without delving into too much sentiment, the fact that

there aren't too many teenage suicides, it's too much torement by facebook or twitter on gay teenagers and it becomes and behooves somebody who is confident in their sexuality to share s so people like that can for example, i think deserve a enormous sper speckive. -- why can't anybody be gay without being toremented and teased. people look back in 100 years time they will say was there really a moment when people were-- had so little to disleak that they chose the way people love as what they hated. >> stephen: i agree with you. it is not easy to explain to our grandchildren why we are denying gay people the right to vote but the right thing isn't always easy. (laughter) >> stephen: you know. >> you and i, you and i had great grandparents who officered sugar into coffee knowing that each had been picked by a slave. and we probably don't like

to think of our great great grandparents of being wicked people. they probably thought they were god fearing people and certainly went to church every sunday. and yet they quite happily stirred their sugar into their coffee. it's a moral change. >> stephen: are you english. and i'm irish so my great grandparents knew your great grants where wicked people. you mentioned twitter. you have 6 million twitter followers. >> yes, 6 and a quarter. >> stephen: and changing i have only 5.4. but yours are metric, right? so i might have-- i would like to challenge you to something. >> okay. >> stephen: do you do that right now. i would like to challenge you, let me open up here with my old magic thumb print. >> i have a friend who trained it to open with his nipple. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: his nipple, his nipple. okay there you go. okay, i will tweet, who can get the more retweets? >> it is a little unfair because almost, a large percentage of my followers

are asleep now. so but way, please retweet this. >> stephen: okay, i will try that. please retweet this, sincerely stephen, #, lord of the tweets. (laughter) >> and tweet. all right. >> stephen: all right. we will see who is the true the lord of the tweets. >> we will, we will. >> stephen: we are both going to have our ass kansas citied by justin bieber. stephen fry, thank you so much for joining me. stephen fry, tonight at the balasco theatre. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> . >> stephen: that's the

from comedy central world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. kmeers plaus captioning sponsored by comedy central . >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we had a good one tonight. from the amazing film 12 years a slave which is phenomenal, and this gentleman is phenomenal, chiwetel edge-- in the film, he knocks it out of the park. but first, our top story, new reports that without make our already icy relationship with the yes of pakistan colder than a

witch's-- frozen dessert treat kick. >> two influential human right groups are out with stooeting human rights about u.s. drone strikes overseas the groups claim more civilians have been killed in pakistan than the u.s. has acknowledged. >> the new prime minister is to the going to be very happy about all of this. >> jon: oh, i'm sorry, pakistan. i didn't know you didn't like your citizens being sk sky-ssasinatted on the whims of a foreign superpoer with. we thought you were cool. (laughter) i guess it's unfortunate but good thing is i guess we can just lay low for a while and just get back if touch with pakistan when the wounds aren't so fresh, you know. >> tonight pakistan's prime nawaz sharif is at the white house for his first face-to-face meeting with president obama. (laughter)