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>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> south africans have to go back to their lives george back to work and see if they can continue to carry on

>> stephen: tonight, how big is the n.s.a. surveillance program? and am i being recorded right now? (laughter) then, will i receive a nobel prize or did i eat those jackerr jacks for nothing? (laughter) and my guest is the founder of buzzfeed. i'll talk to him for one minute before losing interest and clicking on another guest. (laughter) a new study claims a.d.d. is overdiagnosed-- or something, i got bored and didn't read the article. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report." hello! (audience chanting "stephen") hello!

welcome to the "report," everybody. good to have you with us. merry christmas, everybody! (cheers and applause) nation, you know if you watch this show i've always been a huge fan of the google. (laughter) it's the yahoo! of things that work. (laughter) but over the weekend, folks, google bought themselves a disturbing early christmas present. >> google's latest purchase is raising some eyebrows. the company has bought boston dynamics, an engineering company that designs robots that can jump, walk, and run. this is. >> this is the eighth company that people have baht in the robotics field. >> these devices were built for the military. what could google want with them? >> stephen: clearly to enslave humanity. (laughter) because that's the only way they can get us to sign up for google+. (laughter) and, folks, these are formidable

robots. there's wild cat, a galloping quadruped that runs on gasoline and your nightmares. (laughter) sand flea, which can leap to the top of a two-story building in the rare event you somehow escape wild cat. big dog, made to assist humans in the vital task of hurling cinder blocks. pet man which no doubt one day will make a pet out of man. and, of course, cheetah, a blade-legged cyber beast with a top speed of over 28 miles per hour-- which is faster than usain bolt. so there goes my plan to flee these robots on boltback. (laughter) so, folks, tonight -- folks, tonight i am proud to say i'm announcing the formation of a rebel alliance to defend humanity. after all, these things are just like imperial walkers. we already know how to defeat those. (laughter)

that's why i have started an ewok breeding program. (audience reacts) uh-huh, uh-huh. (laughter) yes. my first goal: s to get this ewok to stop pooping in my house. yes, you're going to learn to catch cinder blocks. throw me a cinder block! throw me a cinder block! but, of course, some technology is our friend. like the kind used by the n.s.a. which has been rocked by that certified nut-lid edward snowden. and we don't even know how bad it is because officials have no idea how much information he has collected. that's right. the extent of edward snowden's leaks are as fuzzy and as ill-defined as his mustache. (laughter) so in a desperate bid to find out how much intel snowden took, n.s.a. officials recently floated the idea of offering edward snowden amnesty.

i'd take the deal, ed. just come back with all the intel and all is forgiven. i tell you what, to make you feel safe we'll meet you in a special amnesty zone. (laughter) folks, the n.s.a. is just doing their job! and they're just doing it in more places than you ever imagined. >> the n.s.a. activity didn't stop with e-mails or cell phones of foreign leaders according the guardian and the "new york times" which say the agency also spied on video games like world of war craft and second life. >> stephen: that's right, the n.s.a. is spying on second life-- a game for people who don't have a first one. (laughter) and thank god they are. the n.s.a. knows that online games are a target-rich communication network allowing intelligent suspects a way to hide in plain sight. and one n.s.a. worker described online games as "an opportunity" to get his dwarf rogue up to

level 9. (laughter) so the n.s.a. went undercover in these virtual worlds with make-believe characters to snoop and try to recruit informers. in fact, so many different u.s. intelligence agents were conducting operations inside games that a deconfliction group was required to ensuring they weren't spying on or interfering with each other. (laughter) as seen in this recently-leaked footage. >> nice, new. >> totally. so you want to blow up a bridge? >> i don't know. do you? >> only if you do. >> wait, agent kincaid? >> agent pat -r son? >> hang on. is everyone here from the n.s.a.? >> yup. >> uh-huh. >> sure am. >> me, too. (laughter) >> stephen: and, folks, their virtual hard work has virtually paid off because the documents contain no indication that the surveillance ever foiled any terrorist plots, nor is there any clear evidence that terror groups were using the virtual

communities to communicate as intelligence agencies predicted. so no terrorists in world of war craft, which means they must have moved on to madden 25. but folks, all this moaning about n.s.a. snooping totally ignores the great snooping being done by the f.b.i. the feds have unveiled their greatest technological breakthrough since whatever they used to keep mulder and scully from doing it. they were perfect for each other! print my fan fiction! (cheers and applause) jim? >> our government has had the ability to turn on our web cams on our computers and monitor us at home and we don't even know it. >> the feds are reportedly able to use secret technology to disable the web cam's green light so you have no idea you're on. a source tells the "washington post" that the f.b.i. has been able to hack into our web cams for several years. >> stephen: folks, this is a major breakthrough. previously you wan if you wantey

on someone through your web cam you had to pay $1.99 per minute. (laughter) and what they were strapping on was not a suicide vest. (audience reacts) still, there might be times when you don't want a nameless bureaucrat to watch your every move. that's why i have invented a powerful new anti-surveillance security system called total analog personal encryption. or tap-pay. here is the prototype, okay? (applause) folks, for just three easy payments of 12 easy payments at $59.99 you can up log the system over your web cam's lens, all right? and the patented quad corner opacity will jam the f.b.i.'s optical signals. and then once you're off the grid you can use it. (cheers and applause)

you can use it to encrypt packages and window cracks. so get yours today but remember the offer is not available for terrorists. you're on your honor. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. folks, folks, if you were watching the show last week i told you about how i'd been nominated for a grammy. (cheers and applause) well now, folks, i'm going to tell you again, i've been nominated for a grammy.

(cheers and applause) it's for the audio version of my book "america again: rebecomeing the greatness we never weren't." (laughter) it's up for best spoken word album and there's only one thing standing between me and my grammy-- and it's four things. david sedaris, carol burnett, billy crystal and the 94-year-old folk legend pete seeger. i have vowed to crush them like amazingly talented bugs and when i go on stage to accept my award on grammy night -- (cheers and applause) spoken word nominee billy crystal! what are you doing here? >> hello, stephen. (laughter). >> stephen: hey, bill, what's up? >> what am i doing here? i'm currently performing my one-man show "700 sundays" at the imperial theater, 249 west

45th street only three more weeks. but that's not why i'm here. >> stephen: then why are you here? >> i think i just heard you say you were going to crush me. >> stephen: the word "crush" gets thrown around so much in this business do we even know what it means anymore? >> how about to destroy, humiliate? >> stephen: that's about right, yeah. >> let me tell you something, you son of a bitch. i'll have you know i was a big star in this town before you were just slightly younger than i am. (laughter) >> stephen: i still am, billy. >> you son of a bitch. i deserve that grammy. all i've got now are my tony, six emmys, mark twain prize, my star on the hollywood walk of fame and my blockbuster entertainment award. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you got a blocky? (laughter) you son of a bitch! >> son of a bitch is my line, you son of a bitch. >> stephen: billy! i need the grammy! all i've got now is my nine emmys, my two peabodys and, of

course, my grammy. (audience reacts) >> you son of a bitch! >> stephen: shh, you're scaring her! wil(laughter) listen, billy, we're colleagues, why are we fighting? >> because you said you were going crush me. >> stephen: right. okay. (laughter) but what i really meant was that i just hope that pete seeger doesn't win. >> what an (bleep). >> stephen: yeah, he is. besides he already won the lifetime achievement grammy in 1993. >> yes, and he keeps on living! it's so selfish! >> stephen: billy crystal, i feel like i've learned a lot from you today. i hope you win the grammy. >> thank you, stephen. (laughs) >> stephen: billy -- is there anything you want to say to me? >> i hope you lose. (laughter). >> stephen: you son of a bitch! >> 700 sundays, the imperial theater, only three more weeks. son of a bitch two! >> stephen: we'll be right

>> stephen: my guest tonight is the c.e.o. of because feed. i'll give you one reason why he's on the greatest show ever. please welcome jonah peretti. (cheers and applause) thank you, hey, jonah, thanks so much for coming on. merry christmas. >> thank you. >> stephen: merry christmas. how are you?

merry christmas, my friend. >> merry christmas to you, happy holidays. >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you very much. >> that was agonizing. >> stephen: all right. founder and c.e.o. of buzzfeed. one of the cofounders of huffington post in 2005. what you've got is the future of news agree or disagree? >> we're a news and entertainment company. we're investing heavily in news. we just did our first reporting from syria we have people in kiev covering the protest there and we are starting an investigative journalism team by pulitzer prize winning journalists that start in january. we're building up. >> stephen: okay, but why would you do that? why would you pollute your brand with journalism? (laughter) you don't see dancing with the stars cutting out of their show to report on chicago gun violence. you've gotten a incredibly easy-to-digest site. people call your site full of

click bait. is that an insult to you? i think you should have it as badge of honor. >> we don't care about what they click, we care about what they share. the best viral marketing strategy is understanding the human head and heart. if you make things that people want to talk about with their friends you'll have success. >> stephen: how often do people want to find out about atrocities in syria and how often do they want to see the 15 sexiest pandas? (laughter) >> it depends how sexy the pandas are. >> stephen: or sexy otters or whatever it is. >> or how bad the atrocities are, also. >> stephen: okay. sexy atrocities. or sexy pandas acting out syrian atrocities. i just got your next click bait, my friend. >> stephenfriend. >> your talents are wasted here. you should start posting for us. >> stephen: so many people are copying you now. is it going to be only a matter

of time before the "new york times" is buzzfeeding their own site? >> people have to follow their own path. >> stephen: their bath is right into bankruptcy. what is -- they're firing people. you're hiring people. what path would you recommend people take? >> it's hard to copy someone else. >> stephen: no, it's very, very, very easy. as a matter of fact, it's not only a sincere form of flattery but an excellent way to make money. see, like network television. they just copy each other. >> it's more complicated what we're doing. you have technology, you have the culture of the company. >> stephen: what is the culture of buzzfeed? five words or less? what's your culture? >> playful, experimental, it's learning from data, but it's also building intuition. >> stephen: that's 10. learning from data, building intuition gets you up to 10. (laughter) are you a journalist? >> i didn't come from a journalism background, i came from a technology background.

that is why i hired ben smith as our editor-in-chief to lead our journalism. >> stephen: ben smith used to be at politico. >> he did, yes. >> stephen: why leave politico to come work for you guys? is it because he wanted to work for a site that had less gossip? (laughter) >> he wanted to build something new. he was one of the -- he was part of the team that really built politico and i think he was excited about -- he saw the way the web was shifting towards social and he wanted to build something new and different and we all believe we can build a big media company that -- for the way people consume media today-- mobile and social being the dominant things people use to consume their media. >> stephen: what's a listicle? that sounds like a list of the top two testicles in my scrotum. what is a listicle? >> we'll have that on the site tomorrow, i'm sure. the -- a listicle is just a

list. the ten commandments were a list. >> stephen: really. the ten commandments is a listicle? >> the bill of rights. >> stephen: what's the different between a listicle and a list then. >> list is a better word. we didn't say listicle, other people said that. >> stephen: you go with that. >> what are you going to do? everyone says it. >> stephen: stand your ground. (laughter) 50 years from now is everything going to be buzzfeed? are we going to look back at -- are people going to refer to buzzfeed as the -- you know, the old gray lady? the listicle of record? (laughter) >> it's a very dynamic time in the media industry. so many things are changing so rapidly right now. >> stephen: by "dynamic" you mean cluster (bleep), right? (laughter) people just -- media just being thrown on the death wagon as it rattles through town? >> it's a challenging time for print media and there's a lot of exciting new companies forming and it's hard to say what will happen ten years, 50 years out, but we need to continually

change what we do. >> stephen: are you going to get any of those google robots? >> they can deliver the newspaper, i guess. >> stephen: they could go get the news. you could -- you could get robots to force people to do things that are newsworthy. (laughter) hmm? >> that's a good idea. yeah. >> stephen: all right, well thank you so much for joining me. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: jonah peretti. buzzfeed. (cheers and applause) go click on it. we'll be right back. ñ read this!

what is this? ♪

>> stephen: here to join me for christmas cheer. welcome gregg allman and 2014 grammy nominee it is national. (cheers and applause) ♪ city sidewalks, busy sidewalks ♪ dressed in holiday style, in the air there's a feeling ♪ of christmas ♪ children laughing, people passing ♪ meeting smile after smile, on every street corner you'll hear no ♪ silver bells, silver bells, it's christmas time ♪ in the city.

ring a ling, hear them ring ♪ soon it will be christmas day >> darling, you are the cow of my every field ♪ the sad song of a tree full of silent birds ♪ a tight hand held, you hold my heart ♪ it beats its part and ♪ warms your hand i hope ♪ silver bells, silver bells it's christmas time ♪ in the city ♪ ring a ling, hear them ring ♪ soon it will be christmas day note? s