in the ten years we had to put him on the show with it weeks ago to get this moment of zen. i'm going to order it right now. >> jon: that was fast, thank you so much, sir. very kind of you, sir. no, captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> whooo!

whooo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. as you know, if you watch the show you know i am a huge fan of the heroes that work at the nsa. they have kept america safe. in fact, thanks to them so far there has never been another september 11th, 250 o 1. so believe me, check your calendars. a recent study by the nonpartisan new america foundation backs me up. >> a new analysis of 225 individuals link to al qaeda and charged with terrorism since september 11th says nsa surveillance programs quote had no discernible impact on preventing acts of terrorism. >> stephen: see? (laughter) i don't understand what people like edward snowden are so mad about.

he's violating everyone's privacy really that bad if it doesn't even work? (laughter) besides, it does not have to work. it just has to feel like it's working. because if what director of national intelligence james clapper calls the peace of mind metric. now folks, i get that. nsa surveillance is just like the handful of placebo sugar pills i take every morning. to prevent canine hip displacia. so far so good. though i have developed type ii diabetes. (laughter) maybe i'm not taking enough sugar pills am but if this massive data collection isn't working, folks, i say the nsa needs to spy harder. and thankfully they are. >> new allegations this morning that the nsa has placed software on nearly 100,000 computers worldwide so it can snoop when those machines are not linked to the internet. >> many of these transmitters are implanted in the computers at manufacturing.

but they can also be implanted in the plug-ins for the usb cords, the same kind of usb cords that many of you use every day. >> they've got transmitters in our usb cords. i'm guessing that's why the first time you try to plug it in its's always the wrong way. (laughter) now folks, folks, i made it clear that i have always supported the nsa's unlimited snooping ability on other people. personally i protect my most private data by keeping it on a 1982 atari 800. not only is it not connected to the internet t is powered by whale oil. (laughter) but now that i know that the nsa can just put a transmitter anywhere, i am going off the grid. that means i'm losing my laptop, getting rid of my phone, my tv, my car, anything with a computer in it. i think i'll miss my magic eight ball most of all.

and from now on i'll just manage my information the old-fashioned way, with a pen. all right. here we go. okay, pen, write a tweet. sorry, america, going off the grid. to dodge nsa #catch me if you can. and tweet. well, i believe i've earned myself a break. pen? wow. wow. (cheers and applause) (applause) that is some sick stuff. you know what, i better

delete history. (laughter) all right. and put in trash. nation, you know the old saying, a fool and his money are doomed, to hear the rest of this quote send $20 to steph encolbert at-- .com. this is colbert platinum. (cheers and applause) a quick reminder, folks, this segment is for platinum members only. so if your coffeemaker is a machine instead of a small countertop columbian man, why don't you run along and get another that toof a warner brother's character. foghorn leghorn really sticks it to the man. are at the gone? >> goorkd okay. first up, folks, we platinum parents love our children just as much as the dirt eaters out there. and we know how important it

to prepare them for the platinum lifestyle early. that's why a company called kalfin juliry has created a 50,000 dollar diamond encrusted pass fire. finally a product that combines two things i love, a quiet baby and exploiting the congo. and this just keeps on giving, folks. because remember once your child's teeth come in, you can have a pacifier made into a toddler grill. (laughter) of course, a diamond pacifier is great but the truly wealthy start their baby's premium training in utero. i mean nine months in one place. that's not how the rich roll. time to get your fetus a second uterus in st. barts. next up, everybody, there's a real froorferah brewing over income inequality, even though we rich are already doing our best to trickle our money down. but there are only so many

$50,000 pacifiers you can buy before you start looking like an ass [bleep] but the ungrateful masses are still unhappy. if we don't find a way to spend it faster, we may have a revolution on our hands and i just got a manicure. thankly, one well-heeled horn dog may have found a solution by bidding $42,000 for a one-hour private web cam show with a dominatrix named maitress mad line. now $42,000 is pretty steep for a dominatrix. the ball gag better be a fabber gauge-- faberge egg because it seems e . . . . . is part of a sexual subculture called sinda which does not involve a whip and a rain breaux trout. no, it stands for financial domination, a fetish in which someone is sexually aroused by the thought of

sending someone else money and gifts expecting no sexual favors in return. nothing in return for your money. it breaks all the rules of capitalism. it's so naughty, you deserve to get spanked by the invisible hand of the market. now the findom community only has its own lingo where gifts and money are known as tributes and the men who send them are referred to as pay pigs so good news, occupy wall street, those names you yelled in rage were heard by the rich. the bad news, it gave them a boner. we'll be right back.  hj(a4hh%@!6oyyn;,x"bafafl4hú,x9x

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's nice. folks, folks, i don't know if you know this but they say, they say nice guys finish last. but if that's true how come every time i lose i'm a complete dick about it. lately i've been on a bit of a roll. last year i won not one but

two emmy awards. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: for filling my dream of having one kidney then last week i won the people's choice award. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it meant more to me than anything because it came from you, the people. also because i did not have to be present to win. (laughter) and look what just came in the mail today! (cheers and applause) z boom! behold! behold, the people have spoken. i am their chosen one. (cheers and applause) i shall cherish this moment forever. and it's gone. (laughter)

i mean what else is there. i mean daddy needs a fix. is there-- anything else to win? is there any word from the nobel people are. there any high school science fairs coy enter, anything? >> stephen, you are up for a grammy. >> that's right! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's right. the grammys. my audio book of america again has been nominated for best spoken word. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i bet it's for the word cabinet on page 27. i really nailed it. but folks, the competition is fierce. i'm up against a lot of good word spokens. pete seeger, david sedaris, billy crystal, carol burnett. nation, i have vowed to trust these artists whose work i greatly admire and i'm surprised that i just got a letter from my lifelong hero and recent enemy carol burnett.

(cheers and applause) >> she writes, dear steve. >> she knows part of my name. (laughter) >> i saw on your show that you are going to quote crush me like a bug. you are a real class act. i am never surprised when someone like you succeeds in show business, keep up the great work, break a leg and other things. carol burnett. folks-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i got to say, i am speechless it is so great when your heroes like your work. i mean -- >> stephen. >> carol burnett? carol burnett, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> carol, carol, i just got your letter. >> stephen, i don't think you got my letter at all. >> stephen: of course i did, it's rate here. >> stephen, i wasn't

praising you, dear. i was being sarcastic. >> stephen: ha, ha, ha. good stuff. >> stephen, tell me, do you know what sarcasm means? >> stephen: of course i do. it's like when someone says i'm so hungry i could eat a horse. >> that's hyperbole. >> stephen: tell that to the horse i ate. good stuff. >> stephen, let me explain, sarcasm is saying the exact opposite of how you feel to make a point. okay, now, all right, for instance, right now i could say d after 50 years in show business, receiving 6 emmies, 12 people's choice a warrings, a peabody, a kennedy center honor, the mark twain award and the presidential medal of freedom, being on your basic cable tv show is the biggest thrill of my career. (laughter)

(cheers and applause) but i mean the opposite. >> stephen: oh. so it's the second biggest thrill of your career. >> how do you dress yourself? >> stephen: carol, iñi don't understand. why wouldn't someone just say what they mean? it's hard enough for humans to communicate with each other without couching their messages in some sort of bizarre passive-aggressive emotional gain. >> you're right, you're right, stephen, i am so sorry. >> stephen: you are? >> no, i was being sarcastic. >> stephen: like the horse. >> right. look, all sarcasm aside, stephen, good luck at the grammys. and may the best woman win. >> stephen: i hope i do. carol burnett, everybody. (cheers and applause) we'll be right back test test test .

>> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight, after this interview, she's going to extra crispy. please welcome-- (cheers and applause) thanks some of for coming on. okay, let's tell the people out here who you are. you are a 22-year-old worker at kfc. >> yes. >> stephen: who has beençó organizing blast strikes to help push for a 15 dollar an hour minimum wage at fast-food restaurants, right? (applause) >> and don't forget the right to unionize without retaliation. >> stephen: the right to

unionize without retaliation. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: okay, and this has lead to, the first one was in november of 2012. and how many people were at that one. >> a handful, 200. >> stephen: a year later, you guys held this strike action and there were strikes in over 100 cities across the united states, organizing for unions in fast-food restaurants and a higher minimum wage. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: i have never spoken to someone in your industry without yelling the phrase how long does it take to fry something wrrk is my order. okay, so let me understand, let me understand where you are coming from. why, your employed right now, right. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: and what dow make an hour. >> i make right now i'm making $8, because fast food workers like us, you know, stood up and have a voice, so now i'm making $8 an hour. >> stephen: so it was 7.25 minimum wage in new york and it's gone to $8 in the last year. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: so you understand that that extra

75 cent an hour is passed on to a consumer like me. and i could be paying more than 4 cents more for my go tub, you understand that. you understand that you are take money out of my pocket when you do that. >> hey, these multibillion-dollars are making-- taking money out of my pocket too. i work and give them all that money, they can afford to give it to me. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: okay, but you-- why not just work more. how many hours do you work a week. >> wait, wait, wait, steve, steve,xd hold on. (laughter) >> i don't know if people told you, i work at two kfcs and still couldn't make it, i did two kfcs, 35 hours at the end of the week and still didn't make it i still have a metrocard i need. i still have a family to:e"-fees paid at a certain time. and i still could not do that with working two kfcs. >> stephen: you were working at two kfc. do you still.

>> no, sir. >> stephen: so. >> so now i'm only making $8, only 15 hours a week. so-- you tell me, steve. >> stephen: why not two shifts, why not over 30 hours. >> why not go over 30 hours a week, ask my manager that, i done know. >> stephen: because the requirement in obama care that anyone who works more than 30 hours a week has lead places like kfc with you work to keep people to part-time so they don't have to pay health care. >> rite, and that's why these corporations don't want to pay. they don't want to pay that health care so nass's why they put people under 30 hours a week. >> stephen: okay s sot( it's obama's fault. >> it's obama faulted, no, it's not obama's fault. >> stephen: believe me, i yelled about a lot of things and it always fits. >> but it still doesn't justify that these corporations making billions and billions of dollar dollars. >> stephen: these corporations are there to make money, young lady. (applause) if you want to make more money why didn't have you the foresight to be a multinational corporation. (laughter)

>> steve, i don't know about all that i'm just trying to have a living wage. >> stephen: so what dow pga-- (applause) >> stephen: why do you need to organize? why call for unions. unions never solved anything other than child labor. what is it? >> you know why, you know why? because we as-- my one voice can go to my manager and be like listen, i want these set days, i want this how much money i want. no, i have to come with a team, with my coworkers and other workers around the country and let them know it's not just me who is going through this. it's all of us going through this. that is what makes a union. americans coming together to make a difference and have a voice. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i am, i am a major stockholder inium foods which owns kfc and i know you want more money and health care and human dignity. but i don't want you to have

those things. (laughter) if it will cost me more money, is there-- can we meet some pace in the middle? like you have dignity but not human dignity. or human but not dignity, is there -- >> let me still you something, steve h there is no compromise in unionize, okay. (applause) >> stephen: you say you say you only working 15 hours a week right now. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: why not get a second job someplace else and just work there when you're not working at ktc. >> because pie manager don't give me a-- if i want to have that extra income, there is no reason why i should have a second job when these multibillion-dollar -- multibillion dollar companies have the money to pay me for the work that i do. i should have the-- . >> stephen: it's a multibillion-dollar company k it's a multibillion-dollar company, yes, but let's keep in mind. the chairman is only making $11 million this year. are you at all afraid that the colonel might come after

you? that guy has got military experience, you know, he can ride down on you on calf allry or something like that. >> hey, steve, i have-- didn't you hear me, i only make 15 hours a week. what i have to lose. he going to cut me done to 10. >> stephen: he could take away your extra crispy. by the way, i have to ask all my guests this, original recipe or extra crispy? >> original, baby. >> stephen: all right, the movement is move forward. we'll be right back. 7 rjrj,x,x

>> welcome back, everybody.

folks, before we go tonight, you know, i don't really like to brag but i know how to read. that's why i formed the colbert book club, a place with book lovers of all stripes can come together and drink their way to cheap chardonnay. fire up your reading glass, folksing time for another installment, which author this time? well, we had curious george all lined up but sadly last week he flew into a rage and savagely disfigured the man with the yellow hat. artists, so we'll just have to settle for my next favorite literary giant, earnest hemingway and his classic, a farewell to arms. we'll discuss it next tuesday, january 2 is with special guest famed author michael shabon and earnie's granddaughter marrial hemingway and time permitting, a herd of angry bulls. get reading, nation captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh

access.wgbh.org >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, and this huge breaking news happening but we can't stop talking about the razzies. the world has reacted and only what can be described as whelmed. [laughter] of course i'm referring to the "razzie" nominees which were announced today on the razzie website. the academy was too afraid to recognize because of obamacare or something. "grown ups" and "madea christmas" swept the nominations.