>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> i want to be clear to say to the folks i'm not saying president obama is the anti-christ. i'm sure he is not because the >> tonight new advances in cap follow punishment. when will they finally find a vaccine against lethal injection. then how to become a saint. you need a leper, a spare arm and hot glu gun and my guest journalist scott stossel says-- are winners, i don't know if i'm a winner which means i am. over 1.7 million towns of velveeta products recalled from kraft for mislabeled ingreddiants. they accidentally called it cheese. this is the colbert report.

>> stephen: welcome to the report, good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) folks, i think i know the answer to your questions already. folks, i certainly hope all of you had a great weekend. i for one am still recovering from yesterday's nfl play-off action. i watched so much football yesterday i got a contact

concussion. but now we know who's going to the big show, the big dance, the rodeo mass grande t will feature nfc champ the seattle sadbirds versus the afc champs the dep ver horse goats, who last night defeated the new england space kites-- new england could not denver's bold strategy of scoring more points. what a performance by peyton manning, the denver's qb or quick boy, boom. this season has a league record for screaming the word only what. >> . only aha!, only aha!, only a-- omaha. >> every time he said that yesterday a group of companies in o ma what nbc doity thatted $800 to manning he foundation for at risk youth.

he said it 31 times. that is $24,800. >> stephen: folks, it was worth every penny to omaha businesses because according to hotel.com, searches for hotels in nebraska's largest city increased 21% since last sunday's game. >> folks, all my family's vacations, i turned on the tv and i booked tickets for the first city i hear someone shout. (laughter) and since i watch fog but fox news, kids, get ready for spring break in benghazi. now folks-- (cheers and applause) folks, what really-- itches my pigskin that they hail from the states that legalized marijuana for recreational use. (cheers and applause)

unlike other states which have legalized medical marijuana for recreational use. nation, pot and football do not mix. they are like oil and water or baseball and-- (laughter) and once the nfl starts catering to these teams, doobie tocquing fans football will be ruined, just like pot heads ruined laser zeppelin it used to be about the love of laser. before you know t all the super bowl commercials are going to be from munchies and all the ads are going to have freaky talking babies and animals. i say save it for the commercials at burning man, ya hippies. and say good-bye to the all american halftime shows, instead, put a two hour heyao miyazake movie up on the jumbotron. wow, i got to say, steven

tyler looks great. (laughter) now folks, if you watch this show an i hope you do, you know that i support the death penalty a. the ancient babylonians had it right, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth which means you owe me two molars dr. brillstein. but suddenly, killing prisoners is not as easy as you hope within the drugs used in the 32 death penalty states are now running out. >> it's something called pintobarbital. >> the supply of the sedative began to dry up two years ago. >> after european human-rights groups spoke up against the drug's use in executions. a danish drug make are responded by cutting off its distribution for use in capital pun in-- punishment. >> stephen: those damadia damadiananybody! they won't send us their death drugs but who knows how many lives they've cut short with their deelectable paitionrys.

i don't know but, folks, i don't know but, but i have have had it up to here with these damn danes. don't they understand that if we don't get our hands on these death drugs soon, someone might not die? luckily,s there's a way to keep the executions rolling and it brings us to tonight's word. chooers plaus. >> ladies and gentlemen, i have always believed that states are the laboratories of democracy. and when it comes to the death penalty shall it's an actual laboratory and the rat is a human being. now in texas-- in texas prison officials are so desperate to get their hands on the drug that they have falsified descriptions and lied to pharmacies. why go through all that trouble, texas. you can get powerful drugs on-line as long as the official cause of death is a 19 hour boner. (laughter)

and texas is not, they're not the only state that's thinking outside the box for new ways to put people in a box. so is ohio. >> dennis mcguire was executed by lethal injection with a combination of drugs never before used in the united states. >> it's a sedative painkiller combination being used because ohio's former execution drugs dried up. >> this is a combination that had never before been used in lethal injections. they are typically used for colonoscopies. >> stephen: sounds like a win-win, while they're executing him, they can screen him for polyps. of course-- (applause) people, all the people out there, anyone not strapped to a table we are all up in arms about killing a man with an untested cocktail. but folks, federal judge gregory frost found that ohio is free to innovate as

it evolves in its procedures towards ministering capital punishment. yes, ohio is free to innovate. after all they are the home of the wright brothers who, remember, invented the flying electric chair. (laughter) there is just a little hitch. the deadly drug mix had one fatal flaw. the convict, 15 minute death struggle was described by one witness as horrific. and that's a problem because americans want the government to kill people for us, but we don't want to feel ooky. that's why we're always trying to find that death sweet spot. luckily, some states-- some states out there who understand this problem like wyoming know that all morally complex issues have the same answer. more guns. jim? >> a wyoming lawmaker pushing the use of firing squads as an alternative

form of execution for those on death row. >> yes. bring backfiring squads. with so much gun vie len in america, shouldn't we shoot at least one person who deserves it? and firing squads-- (applause) i believe this might just be me but firing squads are a great way to throw an execution on a budget. >> wyoming allowed the use of the gas chamber if lethal injection is not available. according to state senator bruce burns building an operating gas chamber is impractical and awe a firing squad is the cheapest option. >> okay. so if we're just trying to save some, i got all kinds of ideas. the drug may be in short supply in prison but not in veterinarian's offices where it's the preferred method am for the euthanasia of pets. so just put your death row inmate in a dog kos fume and then tell the vet he bit the neighbor. you can bury him in the yard

next to the cat. hey-- and hey, folks, you know what else is free? gravity. okay. we got plenty of gravity here and last time i checked america still has tall buildings. i say just shove the condemned off the sears tower, if he survives the drop, remember he'll land in chicago and someone will shoot him. the point is-- (applause) as long as we're talking about new ways to perpetrate the death penalty, there are no bad ideas. nothing is off the table. ooh, we could beat him to death with a table. (laughter) but you know-- come to think of it, why are we doing all the work here. we should make capital punishment byoe. bring your own execution. whatever you like, chainsaw, curling iron in a bathtub, chokeable monopoly piece.

you know, your choice. and don't worry that it's cruel and unusual punishment. because if we're cruel often enough, it won't seem unusual. and that's the word. we'll be right back.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody? folks, you know, i don't

think it's any secret if i tell you folks that i love the catholic church. need proof? well you're going to have to take it on faith. in fact, out of 1.2 billion catholics out there, there is only one of them who really bothers me. it's this guy named-- i am so poed at this socialist coddles, foot watchingatiest hugging odd asity of pope that i have to tell you i may start flirting with other religions. full confession last night hi a few drinks and-- you up to that free from avatar. folks, i see you. i see you. and folks, the pope's latest assault on our traditional values is outrage us. >> pope francis encouraged mothers to breast-feed their babies in the sistine chapel yesterday during a baptism ceremony, a down to earth pontiff said if they are hungry, then feed them.

don't think twice. >> stephen: how dare, how dare, i clap when i'm angry too. how dare the pope encourage just to whip them out in public. the catholic church spent the past 2,000 years making us feel shame about our bobbies that is correct is why a shower in a bathing suit while wearing one of those dog cones, okay? (laughter) the shower is over when i start to drown. (laughter) plus encouraging women to breast-feed violates the central tennette of catholicism there is no snacking in church. if that kids a wlau to cow down at his personal dairy queen i should be allowed to bring in a plate of buffalo wings, all right? you want to put some-- you want to put some-- in the pews fill up the bap 'tis mall fonts with blue cheese and put the game up on the alter. the point is someone needs to top this hippie-- hippie

before he starts wearing tie divestments and giving out certificate months about jesus multiplying the loafs and the fish tickets. and that's not the only thing that got me headed for the narthex. >> the frugal living pope francis is looking to scale back the cost of becoming a saint. vatican leaders are now being given an unannounced reference price to use as a guide in st.hood-- sainthood application, a a part of an effort to cut down on the cost and make it more equal for cases with less funding. cases donated by wealthy donors make it through faster. >> you can't slash the price of becoming a saint. being rich is the first miracle (laughter) >> sainthood is like god a country club. they don't let in poor people or jews. but-- if there is a poor candidate they just need to get resourceful like mother teresa by selling sponsorship on their own. we'll be right back.

within my guest top is the editor of the-- call age of anxiety. please welcome scott stossel. hey, scott, thanks some of for coming on. >> thanks for having me. >> okay, as, i will get to your book in a second but first you're the editor of

the atlantic, the author of previously-- life and times of stars and-- you have written for "the new yorker", new york time, the wage waj but your new book age of anxiety, fear, hope, dread and the search for peace of mind. what do you mean my age of anxiety. are you particularly anxious person? >> yes. >> stephen: are you anxious right now. >> terrified. >> stephen: really? >> yl, no, i'm doing okay. so basically i have since the age of about 2 as i say in the book been kind of a twitchy bundle of phobias, near os es, anxieties, all kinds of strange idiosyncratic phobias like for instance cheese and-- . >> stephen: you have a fear of cheese. >> yeah, i will never go to wisconsin. >> stephen: what is it about cheese that frightens you. >> it's utterly-- well, it's irrational-- . >> stephen: okay. >> this is what is so peculiar about anxieties. basically you know, i tell

people that i would rather be buried in a sar cough gution full of say snakes which i'm not afraid of though many people are then be dipped into like gorgonzola. (laughter) and-- . >> stephen: so no cheese. >> no cheese. >> stephen: so you're good with velveeta though. >> no, no, not even velveeta. so i set out to write this book because i've struggled with anxiety disorders all my life. and i finally, and i was sort of fascinated by the notion of like what caused this. so i, looked deep into the science, the culture, the history, is it genetic, how i was raised. and i realized. and i ended up writing this book that actually applies to the 40 million americans who are cronically diagnosed with anxiety disorders. >> stephen: let's be clear. anxiety and fear, are they the same thing? because fear has got a nice sharp edge to t anxiety can

feel like a smoldering fire. >> right. well, so-- . >> stephen: . >> i have, i would say a normally prudent avoidance of fire but that is not one of my-- . >> stephen: you're not like frankenstein. >> no. no, so anxiety is when it's appropriately deployed is an evolutionary response, an adaptive evolutionary response, fight or flight response. in the state of nature if you are were being attacked by a sabre tooth tiger or enemy tribe. >> stephen: or a plate of gorgonzola. >> it would be incredibly a daive to have this response where your adrenaline starts firing and blood flows to your strong muscles and maybe you void your bowels. but that happens. >> stephen: sure. >> it lightens you to be able to unwill am-- run but the problem is for people that have anxiety disorder, and not just for people with anxiety disorders but for all of us in modern life, you are not often being chased by a sabre tooth

tiger. but the same sort of physiological fight or flight response happens when your wife gets, you know, mysterious letter from her ex-boyfriend or when the boss look at you funny. and you have the same kind of fight or flight response and you end up kin kind-of-marinating in this stew of unused chemicals stress hormones which can be very damaging to you over the long term. >> stephen: so what, you said you have had this since you were two. do you remember being afraid at that age. >> oh, yeah, when i was a little kid i was always convinced and again in retrospect, completely irrational i was always convinced my parents were gone, this is called separation anxiety which is a normal developmental stage when you are three or four. hi it when i was three three and four acutely but then when i was nine, 10, 11 and 12, and i used to torement my poor sis tir who was two years younger than me. and if my parents weren't there and at a party and 15 minutes late i would make

her call the party and say like, i'm sorry, i'm scott's brother, he's crazy, are his parents still alive. >> stephen: so if your parents weren't there you thought they were gone forever. >> i was convinced, it was not rational but i was convinced that they either were not really my parents or were conducting some sort of horrible experiment and just decided to leave. >> stephen: so peekaboo was not a lot of fun for you. >> peekaboo was terrifying. >> stephen: so what do you do? how do you treat it? because in years past, this sort of thing would be treated by and i hope i'm pronouncing this correctl correctly-- alcohol, how do you and how do 40 million other people treat this kind of anxiety. >> so i have, i tried lots of things but i am medicated and again this is the sort of thing that i never admitted because i was ashamed of it i take anti-depressants, benzo die az mean. >> stephen: xanax. >> an anti-anxiety medication. >> stephen: did you bring enough for the whole class.

>> i have some, dow want me to share, i don't know. >> stephen: what are some of the things that you are afraid of. >> well, okay,. >> stephen: you name yours and i will name mine. >> okay. >> stephen: i will go first, illegal immigrants. (laughter) >> i don't know the term for that one but that's a good one. well, cheese, my most acute one and longest standing and this, i think completely rational but i know that most people think it's irrational, a mehtaphobia which is the fifth most common, which is pathological fear of vomiting which i have not done since 1977. >> stephen: is it your vomit or that someone will vomit on you? >> that i will vomit. >> stephen: that's my fear. so what do you do, how do you treat it. >> i could vomit on you right now and i would be cured and you would be cured. (cheers and applause)

do you have a good custodial staff here? (laughter) >> stephen: the book is my age of anxiety. we'll be right back. !éçmçmojrll][n

>> folks, don't forget tomorrow night the book club and farewell to arms by earnest hemingway, read it,

good (lighter flicks) (water pipe bubbling) (frank coughs) ooh! (lighter flicks) (water pipe bubbling) what the (bleep) is this? uh, cheech over here bought himself a bong. (frank laughs, coughs) deandra, this is wacky. go download me a hoagie off the internet. - (frank laughs) - i'm sorry? those words don't make any s-sense. oh, god, you guys. - oh, weird, i feel weird. - rip another one. yeah, say something else stupid, too. my arm's kind of numb. dennis, can you feel my head? is it-- am i hot? i-i'm not touching you. we're enjoying ourselves over here.