tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central January 31, 2014 1:30am-2:01am PST
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. listen obviously my conversation went a little long. if you have a spare weekend you might want to check out the web version of our discussion. it actually got kind of interesting. here it is your moment of zen. ♪ >> wh captioning sponsored by comedy central
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( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whooo! welcome to the report, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for being here, in here, out there. ( cheers and applause ). ladies and gentlemen, colbert nation, one and all, it is the final night of my epic, superb owl coverage. ( cheers and applause ). i'm proud to say, folks, i am proud to say it has brought a
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lot of new viewers to the show-- mainly owls. at least now someone is watching our 1 a.m. rerun. folks, i'm afraid what i learned this week isn't all sunshine and rainbows because there's an ominous cloud wafting over football. >> a new push to allow medicinal marijuana use in the nfl. >> should the nfl reexamine its marijuana policy? >> we're willing to take a look at medical marijuana if there is proof that it could help some of our players, i think that's something that we should explore. >> stephen: you can't have marijuana in football. no! those players will be so high, they'll foor get to take their percocet. ( cheers and applause ) and folks, folks-- ( cheers ) nfl commissioner roger goodell is not helping. >> i don't know what's going to develop it as far as the next opportunity in medicine to evolve, and to help arthur deal with pain or to help with
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injuries, but we will try to continually support the evolution of medicine. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that was a clear endorsement of marijuana. lawr lawr ( applause ). >> stephen: because that statement-- ( cheers and applause ) that statement was so ra rambli, he had to be high. folks, this is reefer madness. after hitting the prescription pipe, players won't want to hit their opponents anymore. they'll just incapacitate each other with mind-blowing science facts. "dude, dude, did you know that all the gold in the championship ring was created in a supernova billions of years ago?" ( cheers and applause ) folks, pot is not the only threat football faces. so is the selfish concern some people have for their fellow man's skull meat. ( laughter )
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just because of some crackpot theor they huge men colliding at full speed might be dangerous. >> the growing awareness of head injuries is perhaps the biggest crisis facing the nfl. >> you have a number of independent scientists separate from nfl doctor thoz have been saying february years there are connections between repetitive brain trauma, repetitive trauma from football and the possibility of getting long-term brain damage. >> according to espn sports science, big blows like this can be the equivalent of taking a sledgehammer to the head. >> stephen: oh, they worry about the nfl, yet nobody is protesting the national sledgehammer league. ( laughter ) ( applause ) come on. look, don't get me wrong. don't get me wrong, ladies and gentlemen. i've got nothing against brains. some of my best friends have them. ( laughter ) but you cannot scrap football over brain damage. just ask the brain damaged. >> this is an american pastime. i mean, it's really tied in for so many years with our tradition. it's sad, but at the same time-- i mean, we all love to watch it.
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>> for me and for millions of others, we get too much pleasure out of watching this. >> in this day and age, people are not very happy with their lives. the one thing they've got to look forward to is football. >> stephen: yes, some people's lives are so bleak, stuck in a soul-crushing and pointless job, surrounded by coworkers who don't respect them, that the only bright spot is laying on the couch in a nacho-induced coma just praying by the grace of god they'll choke on a chicken wing and end it all. you can't take that away. it's his only hope. besides-- ( cheers and applause ) besides, if we can't watch people hurt themselves, it would cripple cable television. no more "horders." no more "deadliest catch." no more "ice road truckers," or "man vs. food." all we'll be left with is q.v.c. >> 1860 is the item number on
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this one. and the nice thing about these-- oh! that hurt! ( laughter ) oh, that hurt big time. a piece of that just-- the tip just got me obell. ( laughter ) oh, that got me good. >> you all right? >> a piece of that tip just got me. >> we may need emergency surgery in the studio. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: he will be missed. ( laughter ) the point is there is nothing to worry about in football. here to worry about it are the authors of "league of denial," steve fainaru, and mark fainaru-wada. gentlemen, thank you so much for joining me. all right, gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ). now, you guys have ruined
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football. all right. are you going to be watching the game on sunday? >> absolutely. >> stephen: okay, let's hear your argument. what is happening, do you say, to the brains of these players? >> the point of the book was to lay out two decades' worth of denial by the league. when they were confronted with the suggestion that, you know, football was possibly causing brain damage, they would say it's not really an issue. we don't have a problem with it. they created their own committee to study this issue. >> stephen: yes, they did d. >> they appointed a rheumatologist to head the committee not a brain person. >> stephen: what's wrong with a rheumatologist? want rain is nothing but a skull ligament. ( laughter ) right? holds the two sides of the skull together, connect the two sides of the skull. >> there you go. >> stephen: who should they have brought in? >> well, at the time there were a number of neuroscientists who were actually trying to get the league's attention. some of them actually worked in the league. they loved football. one of them had worked for the pittsburgh steelers. a neuropathologist at boston
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university was a huge football fan. and they were trying to tell the nfl that this was a problem. and in response, the nfl attacked those people, tried to discredit them. >> stephen: that's not entirely true. the nfl took action. they've changed the rules. they've created this fund with $765 million to take care of the players' health needs. why are you saying they are in denial? >>ic it's interesting. when you look at the way the league has dealt with this over times, there is certainly a move they've made, but when the commissioner is asked, is there a connection between football and brain damage, he says the same thing he said four years ago when he got hammered before congress, we'll let the medical people decide that. the medical people already decided that. >> you get your medical people, i'll get my medical poom. >> that's sot of what they did. that's exactly what they did. >> stephen: okay, isn't there a point at which we make things too safe? all sport are dangerous on a certain level, aren't we? you didn't see the ancient
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romans worrying about the brain damage the christians and the lions, okay. ( laughter ) so have you guys been attacked by nfl? have you been attacked by the nfl? because the doctor vbz attacked. have you personally been attacked by the nfl? >> well, the nfl, from the very beginning, has not been cooperative with our research. they-- they really just refused to be-- to be interviewed. there was a frontline documentary that was made in conjunction with our book. at the very end of tour employer, espn, pulled out of the partnership of that documentary, and then it was-- and then news came out that it was after meeting with the nfl, the implication was that there was pressure applied by the nfl to pull out of out of the documentary. so the nfl has been-- you know, they've been uncooperative, i would say. ic we're providing information that they probably don't want people to know. >> stephen: do you ever wish you had taken on an organization that is less vindictive, like
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i knew everything i needed to know, but i have learned absolutely so much about football this week. for instance, in football, dribbling is called fumbling, and gets you fired from sports. but i've also learned that the superb owl is about seattle and denver, the northwest versus the west. grunge versus country. plaid versus other plaid. ( laughter ) and more importantly, these are the big cities in america's two legal pot states. ( cheers and applause ). so, whether-- whether you're from the mile high city or the absolutely baked city, you want to win this game like it's a box of little debbie swiss cake rolls. and who better to represent these two cities than the people who represent these two cities, their mayors. please welcome the honorable mayor ed murray of seattle. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ). and the honorable mayor michael
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hancock of denver. thank you so much, mr. mayor. all right. gentlemen, gentlemen, are you ready for some football? >> yes. >> absolutely. >> stephen: all right, let's do this thing. mayor murray, you are seattle's first openly gay mayor. that's a lifestyle i do not cob don't. ( cheers and applause ). , i'm sorry but everyone knows being mayor is a choice. ( laughter ). >> and i'm glad seattle made that choice. >> stephen: okay, good. and yet, and yet, you don't let them vote on whether you should be gay. that sounds like a double standard. mayor hancock, mayor hancock, you are, likewise, the openly black mayor of denver. now, colorado-- colorado has legalized recreational marijuana, but you want to ban smoking it in public. >> right. >> stephen: okay. >> right. >> stephen: but you also support allowing bars the option to stay open later. >> that is correct, stephen. >> stephen: okay, you heard him, broncos fans-- if you have
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a victory riot, don't do it because you're stoned. do it because you're drunk, okay? ( cheers and applause ) all right, let's get to the game. mayor hancock, on sunday what, team do you like? >> that's an easy one. there aren't many teams that can take the denver prorchgos out. >> stephen: wow, wow. where do you find the courage? ( laughter ) for the mayor of denver to pull for the broncos, that really-- that takes-- >> go, broncos. >> stephen: if you don't mind, that takes some huevos rancheros. >> seattle, seattle is going to win. >> stephen: the seattle mariners. >> no, no, the seattle seahawks. >> stephen: february better the sea hawks -- the mariners of football. gentlemen, as you both know, there is a long-standing sports tradition that the mayors of opposing team cities to make a friendly bet of things associated with their city. for instance, the mayor of san francisco might bet a loaf of sourdough bread, and the mayor
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of detroit might bet something of equal value, say, the city of detroit. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so, mayors, so, mayors, mayors, what is it going to be? >> stephen, in the very unlikely event that seattle would beat the denver broncos, i'm going to offer to mayor murray some colorado beef steaks. >> stephen: all right, all right, that's nice. okay, mayor murray what, are you putting up? >> well, in the impossible event that seattle were to lose, i'm going to offer to mayor hancock some incredible salmon from the northwest. ( applause ). >> stephen: all right, all right, excellent. it's-- it's meat against meat. let's make this wager official. gentlemen, get up here. let's shake on it. and-- ( applause ) -- hold on! busted! take them away. gambling! gambling is illegal in new york it state. you're under arrest. yeah! have fun!
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game "playoff face-off." please welcome drew brees! ( cheers and applause ) whooo! whooo! all right! thanks so much for being here this is the perfect way-- this is the perfect way to finish our superb owl coverage. this week. because-- ( cheers ) you you're a super bowl champion, super bowl mvp, eight-time pro bowler, quarterback for the new orleans saints. 2013 was your record 5,000 yard passing season. and let's face it-- it all comes down to the quarterback. ( cheers and applause ). right? >> i guess so. >> stephen: all right, all right. you-- as a quarterback, you've been out there in-- on the big game, if i can call it that.
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>> sure. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what are these two quarterbacks thinking right now? >> well, peyton's been in this situation a few times. so i'm sure he's kind of got it down to a science. he -- >> stephen: at this point, it's only thursday. >> right. >> stephen: do you just want the game to be tomorrow? you know your game strategy at this point. >> right, exactly. it can't get here fast enough at this point. there's so much chatter around you. you've had really two weeks to prepare for it, not just one week. so you're constantly going through the game plan over and over again until finally it's like, "man, i've watched this play 1,000 times. i've read through this play 1,000 times. let's just go play the game." >> stephen: are you staring in the bathroom mirror going, i'm going to disney world. i'm going to disney world. ime"" going to disney world. i'm going to disneyland, either one. ( bleep ) i'll go to epcot.
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just let me win. >> disneyland always gets neglect gld it really does. >> that's a shame. >> stephen: not to pick a wound here, but the saint lost to seattle, okay, and that's why they're there? who are you pulling for? are you pulling for seattle because you want to have been beaten by the best or are you pulling for the broncos because you want seattle to share your pain? ( laughter ) ( applause ) or are you just going to watch golf all day sunday? >> i'm definitely going to watch football because i'm a fan of the game, and i love these two quarterbacks. and to be honest with you, i would not bet against either of them. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. and i could give you arguments for both sides. i think peyton manning's career, number one, what he's accomplished is remarkable, what he did this year was unprecedented. what he's overcome over the last few years with his neck injury and kind of his-- you know, really starting fresh in den den veris something you really have to tip your hat to. i have so much respect for him as a player and what he's
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brought to the game. russell wilson, i'm not sure there's a guy in the first two years that has the success he has and has been able to handle it the way he has. he's pla tour beyond his years. he's a true pro. the more success that comes his way the more humble he becomes. i really appreciate that approach, and i think that both of them certainly are ready for this moment. >> stephen: so who's going to win? ( laughter ) ( applause ) come on, drew! grow a pair. i had justin tuck here on tuesday night, and he-- he loves hitting people for a living, all right. i looked it up. he's never sacked you. he's never sacked you. >> let's keep it this way. >> stephen: he likes to kind of like wounded forest animal sound quarterbacks make when you hit them. like the huuu sound they make. how do you as a quarterback get back into the pocket? you have, like, three seconds,
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you can see this much, and you know that there are four, 300-pound angry pot roasts coming at you? >> right eright. >> stephen: how do you stay focused in that tiny compressed zone? >> uh, it's kind difficult. you have to have tremendous trust for the guys in front of you because i've got five big pot roasts blocking their four-- for their four pot roasts. and so you know that they're coming very close to you. they're there to take your head off. and yet you still have to maintain your poise and you've got a job to do. you have to deliver ball down the field. that's your job. >> stephen: i got trained add a quarterback this week for-- ( cheers and applause ) and one of the things they were trying to teach me was quarterbacks own the room. how do you own the room? >> you have command. you're prepared. you're ready for request situation. >> stephen: is this it? are you owning the room right
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now? ( cheers and applause ) >> it's-- it's a quiet confidence. ( laughter ) yeah. ( cheers and applause ). you're owning it. you're owning it. you had the who dat nation. >> stephen: there's crossover between the who dat nation and the colbert nation. how many hodats? ( cheers and applause ) all right. how many colbert nations? you're the face of an x-box game called "playoff face-off." what is "playoff face-off"? >> it allows you to be more interactive than you ever have
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before. it allows you to watch the game yous you want to watch, track your fantasy stats and predict the games in the play-off, including the super bowl with a chance to win tickets to next year's super bowl. >> stephen: how hard can you play this game? ( laughter ). >> for-- for-- you know how long you practiced to be a quarterback earlier? >> stephen: yeah. >> that long? >> really. >> stephen: almost 45 minute. >> almost 45 minutes. >> stephen: drew, thank you so much for joining us. new orleans saints quarterback drew brees, we'll be right back ( ,xph k!ó0m"
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well that's it for the report, everybody. see you on captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> this happened on animal planet.com today, are you ready for some fuzzballs! (laughter) that's right, guys, there sunday is upcoming puppy bowl 10 marks the biggest sp
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