test. >> stephen: whooo! hooo-hooo! hooo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: come on! boom! whooo! whooo! whooo!

baby! whooo! you're in the house tonight. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: good to have you with us. folks, welcome, welcome one and all. ladies and gentlemen. as you request tell by the energy in this room we are in night three of my superb owl coverage and i am pumped for sunday's big game which to me is football christmas. every year i put out a plate of buffalo wings and ranch dressing in the hopes that tarree bradshaw will come down my chimney. it hasn't happened yet. but i still ready to go ready to go believe, terry! (laughter) with the big game just a few

days away america is running out of time to desid which tell they pretended to have liked all along. and folks we've had a lot of fun here at the report. it has been a great week of football guests, analysis and nonlegally analysis of sin mom-- sin nons for the big game. i have really grown to love the old split cow hide as no one calls it (laughter) >> but i think perhaps i'm most emotional about the journey i have taken toward becoming a former championship calibre professional athlete, tonight join me now in the dramatic conclusion of stephen colbert's fallback position. last night i asked legendary

coach joe gibbs for his help in my quest for a super bowl ring. and mastered the art of quarterbacking with the dream maker steve clarkson. >> okay, i know where i am. after almost 45 minutes of grueling preparation it was time to show the old man what i was made of. >> well, coach, i'm about to play my first scrimmage, obviously the most important thing before any game is the inspirational speech by the coach. i have written a few words here. i wouldn't mind hearing from a man like you. >> stephen, i have coached many a pan but none like you. you combine charisma, looks and athleticism into one dazzling package. so go out there and win one for the gipper. by which i mean ronald reagan. show me the money? are you there god? it's me margaret. eye of the tiger.

>> stephen: oh, i should go. i would be joined by former nfl receiver isaac bruce, four time pro bowler, super bowl champ and the thelma to my louise. my opponent, gerald mccoy, tampa bay buccaneers defensive tackle, one of the most feared defenders in the nfl two time pro bowler and 300 pounds of angry man meat. >> stephen this is where we take about leadership now, this is about owning the room. >> stephen: i own it. >> i control it, make us believe. >> he does not own it. >> it is your show. >> and when do we huddle. >> we're in it, we're huddling. we're in the huddle right now. >> what go we do now. >> call the play. >> you go down there and i will throw you a ball. >> okay. >> hold this. >> here. >> blink 182. maroon 5. hut, wait, wait, wait, what are you doing. what are you doing? >> this is football. >> yeah, what happened to one mississippi two mississippi three

mississippi. >> you snapped the ball. >> have you never been to mississippi. >> no. >> is that how you win a super bowl, isaac. >> the bowl over-- ball over here where will you be. >> and when it is over here. >> i will be right here. >> let's do that where are you going, ball is over here, all right, that is what i want. let's do this thing. >> you're going to snap me the ball. you're going to watch greatness in action. >> let's do this sam. >> down, set, hut. >> i'm scared. i'm scared. no i think honesty is the most important thing in the huddle. >> no, it's not. >> too legit to quit, hike. >> where are you?

>> excuse me, can i talk to you please, isaac, can i talk to you for a second? >> you're fast and everything, but get someplace and then stay there. how am i supposed to hit a moving target? okay? all right? oh, are you-- are you up set with me. >> a little bit yeah. >> are you angry with me. >> yes. >> you're angry. >> yeah, i'm not happy. >> you're not happy? >> no. >> you know are you're, you are' reinforcing the ugly stereotype of an angry black man right now. >> yeah. >> yeah, yeah. >> okay,. >> that's on you. >> okay. >> okay, all right. >> okay. >> down. set, three rings for the alvin king, seven for the -- and the halls of stone, nine for mortal men doomed to die. one for the dark lord, hike .

>> stephen: whooo! whooo! (cheers and applause) whooo ! >> you saw me out there. give me your honest opinion, do you think i've got a shot on the big day? >> i can say with certainty you're going to be playing on super bowl sunday. >> whooo! within it's puppy bowl .

>> stephen: all right, listen up. i didn't know what the hell you think you're doing out there but it sewer [bleep] ain't football. this is puppy bowl god dammit. look. you're acting like a bunch of bitches. now i understand that some you actually are bitches and i apologize, i didn't mean that as a slur. i meant that you are not applying yourself to the sport. excuse me, don't eat my chalk. now listen up, it all comes down to today. we can stay here and get the [bleep] kicked out of us or we can fight our way back. we're not here to sniff butt, we're here to kick butt, dow

understand me. we're a football team god dammit. huddle up, let's go. huddle up. let's go, get in here. all right, let's do this thing.

. >> stephen: (cheers and applause) >> stephen: lovely people, thank you so much, very nice, welcome back, everybody. folks, you know, as importants afoot ball is there are other stories is

out there. for instance the leader of the free world speaking to congress. last night i was riveted to the state of the union in that i had surgeons rivet my eyelids open to make me watch it now folks, i got to say, i am blad i did because this was obama's fifth time before a joint session of congress. traditionally the most important address of any presidency, i mean who among us can forget these immortal words from george w. bush's fifth state of the union. >> human animal hybrids. >> stephen: that was a big problem back then. that was a big problem back then, we forget how big of a problem that was back then. if president bush hadn't warned us about it, right now your coworker would be a lab ra-dude. and your son would be playing soccer against puma boy. who is really very good.

very fast player well, folks. his fifth state of the union had a strong central theme. >> let's make this the year of action. >> stephen: and what better way to start a year of action than with an hour of talking. (laughter) and oh did he talk about things like this,. >> stephen: today women make up about half our workforce. but they still make 77 cents for every dollar a man earns that is wrong. and in 2014 it's an embarrassment. it is time to do away with workplace policies that belong in a madmen episode. >> stephen: workplace policy as that belong in a madmen episode. i'm sorry i new you are just saying that to distract from your domestic flying program that belong in a homeland episode. now speaking of distracks, joe biden now take a look, i want to you take a look, a little bit of footage here. we found some footage. and i want to see if you can spot the exact moment when

the vice president stripped the event of all dignity. (laughter) now who is he pointing at? well, beltway goes sip that he was pointing to a dude he met at an airport chilies the night before. see, i told you i was vice president. (laughter) anyway, obama said other stuff too. but the real highlight of every state of the union is the republican response. and last night was so historical with the republicans brought their a game as in a lot of people talking. you had your mike lee for the tea partiers. rand paul for the other tea partiers. and cuban american congresswoman ilian-- ileana ros-lehtinen for loss party

grande del tea. no matter what kind of republican you are there was a speech for you, like your own personal sleep number but for rage. and that is not even including the official response from house republican conference chair and stay at home congresswoman kathy mcmorris rogers. the big question is, how would she rank on a scale of rubbio to 10. jim? >> you know, firstoff, it's a major plrbment that she didn't provide content for a week's worth of the late night. >> she didn't do any harm. >> i don't think anyone did any harm. i don't think they did anyone any good. there is no nursery rhyme, the cow killed nelly in the belly in the barn, didn't do her any good, didn't do her any harm. >> stephen: well said, george, well said, the whole evening was a complete waste of time. by the way a cow kicked nelly in the belly is also the republican's plan for contraception. we'll be right back. ?(2(áááááááááá

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is espn analyst and hall of fame wide receiver, good luck catching my softball questions. please welcome cris carter. (cheers and applause) chris, thanks so much for coming on. good to see you. all right. now then, chris, all right, for the few people out there who may not know your impressive cv, let's get a few things out right off the top. let's do math. hall of fame wide receiver, eight time pro bowler, eight

straight thousand yard seasons, 4200 yard receiving games, espn has called you one of the most prolific pass receivers in nfl history. you've also got a book it's called going deep which i thought was the name of that book about the woman who swear viewed petraeus and got him in trouble. okay. that's a pretty ring you've got there, a pretty ring. super bowl ring. >> it's not a super bowl ring. >> it's a hall of fame ring. >> stephen: a hall of fame ring. >> yes. >> stephen: wow. (applause) >> stephen: does this mean, does this mean you're the next green lantern? >> no, but it does mean i'm something. >> stephen: wow, that is amazing. so you're one of the great wide receivers of all time. what does it take to make a great wide receiver. what is the skill set. >> well, the number one skill you have to have, i would prefer if i'm pucking it, is to have a large set of hands.

because-- . >> stephen: large hands, how big are the-- can we? wow, wow, you almost have a spare hand there for me. >> yeah. and i really like a large thumb too, that's flexible because i have found that opposable thumbs come in handy for me too. oh my god. i try to do without one for a while. i couldn't even tie my shoe laces. >> but checking the football is important. first thing i would have to have is a great set of hands. >> stephen: okay, now walk me through, walk me through, i got a ball out here. >> okay. >> stephen: walk me through what happens. the ball, here comes the football. you getp&l. >> okay. >> stephen: you've received it. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. widely, all right. what happens now, because as soon as you have that ball, the biggest men on the planet want to make your organs collapse. >> yeah. >> stephen: so what happens now what is going through your mind, you've got the ball. >> the first thing i do is make sure i secure it and

get a finger on the point of it and try to get this point under my-- well part of your arm is called a bicep. >> stephen: i have heard about those. >> okay. >> stephen: i have heard about those. >> so you try to chuck it up under there to secure it and put as close to your chin as possible. >> stephen: okay, because a guy is going to try to get away from you if they tackle you. >> well, pie game was to scratch it and if i could try to make the first guy miss, then if not, i knew a whole bunch of guys were coming to the scene. so i beat down on the ground. almost like in a police arrest, you know -- officer-- . >> stephen: officer, i am not resisting you. >> well, sometimes as a minority you just get on the ground. you just get on down and then let them conduct their business. (applause) >> so in the nfl you do the same thing. >> stephen: you're lying on the ground. you're saying why can't we all just get along. >> just touch me down, let me play another down. >> stephen: all right, what happens in those piles. ugly stuff? >> well, hmmmm. don't lay on the ground a long time,. >> stephen: because you get

a wedgey or purple nurple or something like that. >> that would be one of the nationer things that could happen to you. just don't stay down a long time. that is why you see guys when they get hit real hard they pop right up. oh, that didn't hurt, that means it really hurt. >> stephen: the faster they get you know, the clotter they are to collapsing. >> and you don't want to be in a big pileup with the big guys and sweating on you and everything. ard their hygiene is not as good as smaller receiver, quarterback types like us. >> stephen: exactly. do you see my tool set out there that i was exercising there, on the field there. >> i was a little tense though. >> stephen: . >> why didn't you have me with isaac bruce, he has been to four pro bowls, i've been to eight. what is wrong with your math. >> stephen: ive have you here. >> all right, all right. >> stephen: here we go. >> hmmmm, now see, just like that with no practice you and i connecting. you went through all those out-- isaac didn't catch none. >> stephen: let me ask you this, what kind of connection need there be between a receiver and a quarterback?

how much of it is the quarterback be how much is the receiver or is it sort of symbiotic. >> it is symbiotic. i have to be able to finish your sentence if we're going to be real good. >> stephen: so it is like a bassist and a drum never a band, they have to be reading each other's minds except with a higher chance of concussion. >> i prefer to use another analogy, more like the singer and some type of music behind it because they play a bigger role than just people playing the music. >> stephen: so who is the singer in this. >> the quarterback. >> stephen: is the singer. >> yeah, the quarterback-- . >> stephen: who are you. >> i'm a wide receiver, it's all about me. >> stephen: in the band, in the band who are you. >> in the band i play everything. i'm a wide receiver. there's nothing we can't do. you didn't know that? >> oh, read the book, man, you got to read the book. you got to read it. you got to read this book. >> stephen: i will, i will. (applause) so who dow like this weekend? >> it's hard to get against

payton manning but in these types of matchup where you have the best offense against the best defense, it's happened four times previously, the defense has won those matchups three or four. so it's hard to go against those numbers. i like seattle. (applause) >> stephen: hall of fame, do you put the hall of fame behind that do you want to bet something. >> i put the hall of fame behind everything i can do, and you charge more when you do that, so even though you're losing, you're winning. >> stephen: really? there's-- there's a hall of fame surtax on everything you do. listen, i would charge -- >> i was never on this show before. i'm in the hall of fame, holda i'm here. >> stephen: well, please come back. >> thank you. (applause) >> stephen: football hall of famer, cris carter. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

withins this's it for the report, everybody, folks, before we go, legendary folk musician and friend of the show pete seeger passed away yesterday at the age of 94. it was an honor to have met mr. seeger. and to have him on the show. and to commemorate his extraordinary life we close our show tonight with a performance we didn't air last time of pete seeger singing if i had a hammer. good night. ♪ if i had a song ♪ i'd sing it in the morning ♪ ♪ sing it in the evening ♪ i'd sing it in the evening ♪ ♪ all over ♪ all over this land

♪ i had a sing out danger ♪ yeah ♪ warning ♪ i'd sing out warning ♪ i'd sing out love ♪ between my brothers and my sisters ♪ ♪ oh ♪ over this land ♪ i got a hammer ♪ well i got a hammer ♪ i got bells ♪ and i got a bell ♪ i got a song ♪ and i got a song ♪ all over this land ♪ it's a hammer of justice ♪ it's the bell of freedom ♪ and talk about love ♪ between you my brothers and my sisters ♪ ♪ oh over this land ♪ it's the hammer ♪ it's the hammer ♪ freedom ♪ it's the song about love

♪ it's the song about love ♪ between you my ♪ come one, come all to a beautiful show ♪ ♪ it's gonna be awesome and...♪ ♪ some other stuff ♪ dee-dee-dee-dee ♪ doo-dee-dee-dee, doo-dee-dee ♪ ♪ doo-dee some other musical stuff. ♪ what you doing, buddy? i wrote a musical. - huh? - you wrote a musical? why, why did you do that? just to write a musical. does there have to be a reason? i don't think so. yeah, there does. nobody writes a musical for no reason. - that doesn't make sense. - all right, this guy did, so there you go. - who's the mark? - what? - oh. - yeah. no, there's no... there's no mark, guys. i wrote a musical. it's pretty damn good, okay? - i want to put it on. - right. what's your angle? - i don't have an angle. - yeah, whose face are we shoving this musical in? you don't shove a musical in someone's face. - what are you talking about? - but who versus?