craft. in that moment you should act as well as you can because if you leave the room or theater wherever you are and you've acted as well as you can there's no way that the people who (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, ladies andlcome

"report"! good to have you everybody! (cheers and applause) whoo! whoo! welcome! thank you so much. folks -- (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, folks. thank you so much. like the people in this room, everyone is still buzzing about the big game last night. (cheers and applause) i mean, people were tackled. (laughter) balls were kicked. downs were forced. (laughter) and in the end, the seattle seahawks sea-stomped the denver

broncos. (cheers and applause) it was after route from the beginning starting with peyton manning's opening snap. (laughter) now, due to fear of being sued by the n.f.l., i cannot show you the footage but it felt something like this: the (cheers and applause) now, admittedly, that foot only has nothing to do with football, but it felt a lot like that. (laughter) so, folks, the real reason i watched the game, this is -- is the ads. you had all the big names, budweiser, ford, radio shack. really only one commercial mattered, a truly nutty ad that -- (cheers and applause) that drove the country nuts. i'm talking, of course, about

coca-cola. their commercial certainly got my fellow conservatives' blood bubbling. >> how about that coca-cola commercial? did you hear the coca-cola commercial? >> the coke commercial sparked controversy. >> the coke commercial was a slap in the face to america. >> you picked up a lot of coke drinkers, you picked up a lot of americans, coke, you blew it with a lot of people. >> they blew it with me and i didn't even see the ad. but for some reason they ran it when the game was already over -- the second quarter. (laughter) in fairness, give me a taste. ♪ oh beautiful for spatial skies ♪ (song continues in spanish) ♪ note? (song continues in another language) >> stephen: (screaming)

(laughter) they were singing "america the beautiful" in foreign tongues! come on, only english can give that song its certain je ne sais quoi. (laughter) folks, folks, the last thing i want to be is a prima donna here but i am full of shauden freud da over this. (laughter) and i'm not the only one who's outraged. excongressman and former employable person allen west anger blogged "it started rather patriotically with the words of america the beautiful then the words went from english to languages i didn't recognize." (laughter) yes, this man once represented florida and then serveed in iraq. how was he supposed to recognize

spanish and arabic? (laughter) and the web site thebright barth.ca's michael leahy captured why we're so angry saying that the company used such an iconic song, one often snung churches on the fourth of july that represents the old pluribus unum view of how americans immigrateed to push multiculturalism down our throats. yes, the old pluribus unum. that's latin for "speak-a-da english speak-a-da english." (laughter) and as leahy points out, it's not enough they sang a deeply christian patriotic anthem, the ad also prominently features a gay couple. (audience reacts) for pete's sake, since when are gays allowed to gay up "america the beautiful?" (laughter) i mean, if the woman who wrote the song, katherine lee bates saw this ad, she would be disgusted and so would her life

partner katherine co-man with whom she lived for 25 years in what was then referred to as a "boston marriage." (cheers and applause) folks, that was not a gay marriage, it was the 19th century. women could not be lesbians back then, okay? they couldn't even vote. or, as lesbians call it, scissoring. (laughter) well, that's it, america. i am officially removing coca-cola from the all-american male which, as we all snow hot dog for entree, a side of baseball glove, apple pie for dessert and, of course, mom who stands for mono oxidase methyl hydrate, that gives the apple pie the sustained feeling of wetness. plus, of course, the vegetable. nation, i know -- fruit, no letters. i'm in no position to judge others. there, that's better. this is tip of the hat, wag of

the finger. (cheers and applause) the super bowl is one of the biggest events of the year because football is america's game. we all love it! but unfortunately, folks, some people out there aren't cheering for our n.f.l. heroes. i'm talking, of course, about the cheerleaders. >> the oakland raiders are being sued by the team's cheerleaders, current and former raiderettes. they accuse the team of wage theft and unfair employment practices. >> they claim when the season was all said and done the cheerleaders made less than $5 an hour. >> what are they complaining about? at least we pay them! i mean, the refs have to take a second job at the foot locker. (laughter) that's why i'm giving a wag of my finger to litigious cheerleaders. the n.f.l. can't give cheerleaders raises. if they have more money they might be able to afford more

clothing! how can we know they're excited if we can't count their ribs? (laughter) and folks, its if collective action works in this case it could work with cheerleader unions. soon you'll be in the stands revved up by this guy. don't touch his pom-pom, only he can move the pom-pom. (laughter) frankly, frankly, i have to say, folks, this makes me question everything i thought i knew about cheerleaders. maybe they really did want to talk to me in high school. i was too hot. (cheers and applause) folks, i've said mitt times, i'm no fan of pope francis. i know he's god's voice on earth but sometimes he comes off as preachy. (laughter) well looky look who's on the current issue of "rolling stone."

that's right, it's daft pontiff. and i haven't been this upset at "rolling stone" since their 1993 cover featuring mother teresa. (audience reacts) so, yo, i'm mad, too. oh, i'm mad, too. i thought that was wrong. so i'm giving a wag of my finger to the pope for going mainstream! what's next? you're getting encyclicals in starbucks? and only the papacy's only stuff. i mean 483 to 492, that is old school! his repudiation of the henoticon of emperor zeno's at the beginning of the acacian schism, that is my jam! (cheers and applause) well, i'd say this sellout pope needs to stay fear tawadros ii of alexandria. he's big in egypt but he hasn't broken in the states yet so you probably haven't heard of him.

next up, folks, long-time viewers of the "report" know i'm no fan of china. for one thing, why don't any of their athletes have skin? (audience reacts) but even i was disappointed when china's central government banned cigarettes from kindergartens and elementary schools. (boos) yeah, yeah, that's right. from now on if chinese students want to smoke they'll v to get their smooth flavor from the sky. (laughter) so folks i -- tonight i'm giving a wag of my finger to china. america is the land of the free, but china is the land of freedom from regulation. it's the only country on earth where dry wall is the flavor of toothpaste. (laughter) i can't believe they kicked their own children out of marlborough company. the jump off the tobacco dragon won't be easy. they get hooked early china.

this is their pacifier. by the way, speaking of china. china. the folks, back in december i shared my outrage that the moon-- america's moon-- had allowed a chinese rover, the jade rabbit, to land on its surface even though the moon's clearly not over us yet. why else would it keep looking through our windows at night? (laughter) but human, we have a problem. >> china's moon rover has apparently broken down on the lunar surface. officials say something has gone wrong with the jade rabbit's mechanical controls. they believe it was caused by the "complicated lunar surface environment." >> the rover has to go into hibernation mode when it gets exceptionally cold and a glitch isn't letting do it that. >> stephen: tonight a rare double wag of my finger to china. (two gongs) (laughter)

folks, not just for invading our moon with their rover, but for trying to make me care about it! (laughter) because-- and this is true-- china's actual official statement about the problems was win from the point of view of the doomed rover. jim? >> "my masters discovered something abnormal with my mechanical controls. my masters are staying up all night working for a solution. nevertheless, i'm aware i might not survive this lunar night." >> stephen: no, no, folks, that stuff happens. go on. >> "before departure i studied the history of mankind's lunar probes. about half of the past 130 explorations ended in success. the rest ended in failure. this is space exploration. the danger comes with its beauty.

i am but a tiny dot in the vast picture of this adventure." (audience reacts) >> stephen: damn these winter allergies! that snowstorm is kicking up a lot of pollen. >> "the sun has fallen and the temperature has darkened so quickly. to tell you all a secret, i don't feel all that sad. i was just in my owned a venture story and like every hero i encountered a small problem. good night, earth. good night, humanity. (audience reacts) 6-. >> stephen: damn it! (sobbing) you made me mourn a piece of chinese technology! and i didn't even drop this one in the toilet! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: hey, welcome back! thank you so much! this (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much. please, please. folks, you would not believe how these people just keep giving and giving tonight. nation, regular viewers know i

love my "harry potter" books. (cheers and applause) there's just something about a kid with dark hair and glasses who saves the world that just speaks to me. on sunday "harry potter" author j.k. rowling rocked the muggle world this revelation. jim, accio footage. >> j.k. rolling said hermoine granger should have ended up with harry instead of ron. rowling says she put ron and her nighny together for very personal reasons. she goes on to say it may not have been the best match. >> stephen: yes! j.k. rowling finally admited what we readers have known all along. harry and hermoine are perfect for each other! you don't need a sorting hat to figure that out. it's as clear as the chemistry between dumbledore and voldemort! (laughter) that who must not be named-- their love. (laughter) well, j.k., i demand you give us

the ending we deserve with a new book "harry potter and the realization he's made a huge mistake." (cheers and applause) in this one harry turns his back on his wife and kids and has an affair with hermoine at the hogsmeade best western. it goes down in room 414-3/4. let's just say that's not moaning myrtle. (audience reacts) harry and hermoine needs to get together. don't worry about ron, he'll be final. it's fall the final book "ron weasley and the studio apartment of shame." (laughter) ron goes on fantastic adventures with his new best friend-- a bottle of tequila and a futon found on the curb. (cheerbe right back.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has give an new book about modern parenting also known as the ipad. please welcome jennifer senior. (cheers and applause) hey, jennifer. good seeing you. thanks lot for coming on.

you're contributing editor of new york magazine, regular contributor to the "new york times" book review. you got a new book making a bit of a splash called "all joy and no fun, the paradox of modern parenting." what do you mean all joy and no fun? where's the joy and what's the fun supposed to be? >> (laughs) i'm going to flip those around. >> stephen: okay. >> so in terms of saying that there's no fun it's because there's a lot of drudgery in parenting, maybe a little bit of boredom. >> stephen: is that supposed to be news? (laughter) the point of parenting is that you have -- >> it's to be bored. >> stephen: you sacrifice for them until they have their own children and then you say "anything you want to say to me?" (laughter) "how about an apology?" >> it's totally true. and they're ingrates. you're right. but the joy, as we know, it's incomparable. >> stephen: the joy is the hard part. >> well, i'll tell you, joy very

hard to tolerate. >> stephen: what? >> yes! this is one of the most interesting things i learned in my book. because you are so deeply bonded to something. >> stephen: someone, hopefully. >> yes, exactly. so imagine -- how many times have you heard a parent say to you "i'm looking at my kid, he's beautiful in his crib, i love him so much and then i imagine something terrible happening." right? i mean, it's the kind of thing where you associate -- (audience reacts) not ringing a bell? never happens to you? >> stephen: no. i often think what if something happens to me? what's happened to my face? >> well, the other 99% of us do. so that is a harder feeling to tolerate than sadness, almost. >> stephen: well, no, no, it is there. 's an exquisite agony in knowing that this beautiful thing is here and someday it will not be

here. even if things go right your child will grow old and die. thank you so much for coming. >> (laughs) pleasure. thank you. let me give you the line. the psychiatrist i talked to put it beautifully, joy is grief inside out and that's not the same is fun. that's different. >> stephen: joy is grief inside out? this guy needs to be a better bard. (laughter) >> you're right! >> stephen: all joy and no fun -- is happiness one of these two? >> here's the thing you have to know. so in study after study parents are more happy than non-parents. >> stephen: that a good thing or a bad thing? serious question. is that a good thing a bad thing? is happiness a goal? >> i would argue no. i think it's overrated. >> stephen: i totally agree that happiness is overrated. (laughter) i do.

happiness is for the weak. we are not here to be happy, we are here to procreate, to make more children and infect them with our world view which might not -- they might also not be happy. (laughter) >> the let me tell you what kids were for. they were our staff. they used to work for us. >> stephen: they still are, they still are. >> in the colbert house. >> stephen: sunday night, garbage. it's snowing, go outside. >> but the problem is right now, you know, i think ever since the progressive era we don't actually -- we now work for them. we take them soccer practice and baby gymboree, violin lessons. all without any idea that we are necessarily -- we don't know if this is helping them or us. >> stephen: should we neglect them? (laughter) i'm curious, i'm curious because when i was a kid i grew up on a dirt road, mom pushed me out in the morning and said "i'll traceeffects.ning.com bell for

lunch, try not to hurt yourself." >> exactly. that was okay. but here's the thing. the betty draper style of neglect i wouldn't advocate. the smoking and drinking like in "mad men." but there's something to be said for maybe not hovering quite so much and i think we'd all feel better. >> stephen: do you have a child? >> i do. >> stephen: how old is your child? >> she's six. >> stephen: so are you here to get away from him? (laughter) ah! ah! anything. >> that would be a really elaborate ruse. i wrote a book just to come on here and get away from my kids. >> stephen: when you get older -- -- when he gets older are you going to use the proceeds of this book to pay for his therapy? >> i'm terrified about that. >> stephen: please come back in 20 years and tell us how he's doing. >> i will! >> stephen: jennifer senior. the book is

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: captioning sponsored by comedy central >> it's 11:59. in 59 seconds this happened on deadspin today. >> investigate 9/11, nine nooun was perpetrated by people in our own government. (laughter) >> all right. >> a 9/11 truther lied his way into the most tightly guarded event of the year