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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment zen. >> no monkey business at a japanese zoo as an emergency drill simulates the scenarios where the gorillas escape flg an earth came (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: welcome to the report, , thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you so much. welcome to the report. good to you have with us! facial, have you been watching the news, you know that the sochi olympic games are in full swing and everybody has got olympic fever. although it might just be the poisonus hotel water. now i spent all weekend watching figure skating. i love all the moves, the triple salchow, the double axle, the shoeless joe jackson, all of them. friday, my friend, vladimir putin's games kicked off with a stunning opening ceremony, it went through all of russian history including the giant cat invasion. i got to say, i only had one criticism. you do the history of russia

and no giant inflatable reagan knocking down a berlin wall. come on. but no surprise, folks. the mainstream media had to find the problem. >> the most glaring snafu came during the showcase moment of the opening ceremony, those five descending snow flakes were supposed it to meld into olympic rings. but the fifth one on the right malfunctioned. >> stephen: no, it did not malfunction. it is just that the ioc is so litigious that even the olympics are not allowed to show the olympic logo. (laughter) and check your facts-- (applause) >> stephen: check your facts, everybody, that's a fact. in writing. >> these spoiled journalists need to quit talking about the u.s. bobsledder who got stuck in the hotel bathroom and had to break through the door. okay, that's just bonus strength training. (laughter) now our guys will be prepared to bust through any

doors on the bobsled track. (laughter) all olympics have last minute construction issues. on the plus side, this year's biathelon combined cross-country skiing with hanging drywall. that's a first. (laughter) but nation, you know, it's not only the media attacking these olympic games. they're also under threat from extremist terror group the gays. (laughter) now last year president putin took a hard line against this threat by banning all gay propaganda. protestors can now face jail time promoting anything pro gay from a pride flag to a reclaimed barn wood coffee table. (laughter) big surprise, the gays aren't taking this lying down, or maybe they are, i don't know. it's not my scene. (laughter) now, now they are threatening to ruin the sochi games. >> gay rights protestors rallied in 20 cities against russia's anti-gay law, they

want olympic sponsors to speak out against russia laws that restrict gay rights activity. >> new york, you had a number of gay act vises protesting outside the russian consulate up set with the anti-gay laws in russia and they poured a red liquid titled vampire blood to make their point. >> stephen: unfortunately no one could tell what that point was. (laughter) something about true blood being cancelled? i don't-- (laughter) anyway, in support of al-gayda president obama named three openly gay athletes to lead our olympic delegation which the human rights campaign gloated was a finger in the eye of russian president vladimir putin, a finger in the eye. or as lesbians call it, scissoring. (laughter) of course, oh yeah, oh no, it's ugly business. of course, four years ago i saved the winter games when i sponsored the u.s. speed

skating team and did a week of shows from vancouver. well, nation, i am going back to the olympics. (cheers and applause) is something i would say if they weren't in russia. (laughter) i can't do that. i can't do that. i can't learn russian. it was hard enough learning canadian. i mean, tore-on-to. tore-on-to. it's a tonal language. i just can't master it. but folks, i do know one man who can cover this gay threat like no one else, please welcome my old friend and long time colbert report producer, buddy cole. buddy, great to have you here. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: good to see you, my friend. >> great to be here, stephen. >> stephen: now buddy, folks, for those that don't know, buddy and i go way back.

we met at theatre camp where he had an almost amazing gaydar. if you were gay, buddy would smoke you out. >> it's true. i covered-- uncovered every single gay man in camp, well, except for one. >> stephen: well, you'll get him one day. >> i certainly hope so. >> stephen: now buddy, i need you to go to russia to investigate the gay threat to the games. are you up for it? >> yes, sir. >> you say gay and athletes, and i'm there. >> stephen: good man, but here is the thing, these antigay propaganda laws are so vague. just please don't do anything that could make the russian police mistake you for a gay guy. >> you don't have to worry about me, stephen. i recently learned all about how to stay safe in russia. from u.s. ambassador to the organization for security and cooperation in europe, dan baer, jim? >> stephen: actually, buddy, i'm the only one that can say jim. >> okay. stephen? >> stephen: jim. (laughter)

within "the colbert report" presents a report exclusive from russia with love. >> no gay stuff. >> double o 14. >> with me, buddy cole. >> before heading to sochi, i needed to learn about russia's anti-gay laws. so i sat down with ambassador daniel baer of the organization for security and cooperation in europe. >> it's a pleasure to meet you. dan baer. >> very nice to meet you. >> you can call me buddy cole. >> you can call me dan. >> oh, that's wonderful because those happen to be our names. >> that's true. >> so dan, what are your responsibilities as an ambassador? >> well, we work to advance u.s. foreign policy in my case, at the ioc to bring the vision of a europe where everybody has their human rights respected to reality. >> so you are one of only five openly gay ambassadors. do your parents know? >> my parents do know. >> and how did they take it

when they found out that you work for the government? >> my mom has been very supportive of my career for the government. >> even though being an ambassador is a choice. >> it is, yes. >> so as an ambassador are you above the law? >> no, i done consider myself to be above the law, no. >> could you just like hit someone with your car and just walk away scot-free? >> no. >> isn't that what ambassadors do? >> you know, diplomatic immunity -- >> just trying to figure out, what's the point. oh, do you have a sword? >> i don't have a sword. >> a cape? >> i don't have a cape. >> do they call you your excellency. >> they do from time to time. >> oh, okay, finally so, there are some perks. >> there are certainly some perks. >> so as an expert, what is the russian anti-gay legislation. >> well, the so-called gay propaganda law bans-- makes it illegal to talk about nontraditional sexual relationships in a way that would either make them seem

good or equal to other relationships. >> so what about if your gay relationships weren't eck what you will to straight relationships? >> well, i think the question is not a question about one particular relationship or another but -- >> all people should have the right to have terrible relationships. >> you know. >> we should all be free to be trapped in loveless marriages. >> hopefully we're not but i think whether you are gay or straight shouldn't determine whether you are. >> so this law means that if i wear let's say a rainbow t-shirt, that could get me arrested? >> well, i think it could because it is such a vague law. >> but seriously, dan, don't you think wearing a rainbow shirt should get you arrested. i mean why not just go out dressed as a uni did corn, if you can't decide on a color wear black or nothing at all, or just don't go out. >> what people wear is one of the ways that they express themselves. >> so in other words, not too many sglirps. how many zippers on an

outfit could one have without appearing too gay. >> i think it's important not to overthink this. >> buttons, are buttons gayer than zippers? >> you know, i've never had an opinion on that. >> i was told that in order for me to be safe i should go all velcro, just so it has that macho sound when you undo your pants. >> i'll make a note of that. >> so you believe the people should be allowed to wear what they want. >> i do. >> oh. that's interesting. you're out on a limb there, dan. >> hopefully it's not a very long one. >> i hope it's a very thick one. >> let me clarify, will the olympics be safe for me? >> i could care less about the lat veyan luge team, i mean they're lugers, right? >> you know, i think as with all large sporting events, we're encouraging everybody to be a tentive and make good decisions about their personal safety. >> i wouldn't want to run a foum of these laws. i've been practicing some basic phrases to help me out of trouble. can you point me to the

nearest hardware store. what do you think about that one. >> i think depending on the context, people might be confused. >> women, am i right? who needs them, except for their vaginas? >> is that -- >> i think that would probably get you in trouble with a lot of people. >> vaginas, can i have two of them-- can i have one in each color. >> how about that? >> you know, i think the best advice is to just be yourself. >> okay. what do you say, dan, do i have official clearance to enter sochi? >> well, obviously, the official clearance will come from the russian government because you have to get a visa. >> that seems like a lot of work. >> i think it's worth doing. >> okay, well, thank you, sir. i promise that i won't let america down. >> have a good trip, and be safe. >> well, i learned a lot. and i'm sure i'll remember some of it. so i'm ready for russia but is russia ready for me? (applause) >> stephen: buddy cole,

everybody. cheers laws thank you, buddy. buddy. we the end. lovely read susan. may i read something? yes, please. of course. a rich, never bitter taste cup after cup. 340 grams. [ sighs ] [ male announcer ] always rich, never bitter. gevalia. choose your experience. choose your flavor. [ humming ] a tingling spearmint. [ ice crackling ] a cooling peppermint. 5 gum. stimulate your senses.

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back, folks. nation, i have just gotten word right here,there are is breaking news, breaking news right now out of, and i hope i'm pronouncing this correctly, afg-hanys-tan, i don't know, can we have somebody check on the pronouncement oh [bleep] afghanistan, right, we're at war there. it's always the last country you think of. anyway what are they up to now? >> taliban says they have captured what they say is a coalition forces military spy dog in eastern afghanistan. the media wing of the taliban released this video which shows taliban members holding a brown dog with a vest on a leash.

>> stephen: those sons of bitches kidnapped a son of a bitch. i mean for pete's sake who holds a dog hostage. were you guys sitting around in your cave thinking you know what, people don't think we're big off ass [bleep] let's kidnap a dog. and folks, really, what are you going to do? (applause) what are you going to do now, make him talk by putting peanut butter on the roof of his mouth? if you had any brains at all you would have kidnapped the cat. nobody would have cared. not even the cat. (laughter) even worse, according to the latest reports, the dog is fit and healthy and being fed a diet of chicken and beef can babs. what? no people food, now he's going to beg at the table. well, taliban, here's where you screwed the pooch. by the way, do not screw that pooch. (laughter) until this moment, until this moment, you were about

to get rid of us. >> more than 60,000 of our troops have already come home from afghanistan. together with our allies we will complete our mission there by the end of this year. and america's longest war will finally be over. >> stephen: not any more. thanks to you now not only are we not leaving but the entire world will join us gladly because everybody loves dogs. they're the pizza of the animal kingdom. and it won't just be the military this time. you're going to have to deal with an even more relentless adversary, sarah mclachlan. oh way, oh way. (applause) you stepped in it now, my friend. you think war is hell? just wait until they're playing that arms of the angels commercial on every tv station in afghanistan. once you get that thing stuck in your head, you'll be praying for a drone strike. (laughter) (laughter) we'll be [ male announcer ] when you switch to sprint's new framily plan, friends are like family, so who's gonna be in yours? how about a few facebook friends?

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a former congressman who now leads an anti-marijuana lobbying group. bet you get a lot more down in the pro marijuana group. please welcome patrick kennedy. (cheers and applause) mr. kennedy, thanks for coming on. >> all right, let's get the old-- obviously everybody knows the family name but you served 16 years in the house in rhode island's first district. you were co-author and lead sponsor of the mental health parity and a gixs equality act. now leading project sam what is sam. >> i came to this because i was a sponsor of this mental health bill that said the brain was part of the body. that was a big piece of legislation you just cited that i sponsored. >> stephen: the brain is part of the body then why do women want to know if we want them for their body or their brain? (laughter) can't have both, can't have it both ways. anyway-- go ahead, go ahead.

>> so just like women are discriminated against because if they have a baby they are higher costs, you know, we were trying to make sure that you couldn't discriminate against the brain and mental illness which insurance companies traditionally do. they impose higher costs on you as a consumer if you have a brain illness. but if you have diabetes or asthma or cardiovascular disease, they don't charge you more or discriminate against you more. even though you might be a very costly health patient. >> stephen: but if your brain illness is bad enough, you don't know you're being discriminated against. (laughter) doesn't it all come out in the wash, there, pat? >> that's true. you know what, that is why it was so difficult to get the bill passed because unlike cancer advocates, they all show up when you have a cancer bill. mental health advocates don't like to put their hand up and say they have a mental illness because of the tig ma against the illness. >> stephen: now you have a new axe to grind here. you're opposed to marijuana legallization. okay. you're a young, popular democrat.

why are you admiral buzz shackler on this one. i'm with you, an i tell you why in a secretary. i agree with you and i also disagree with you for two different reasons. but first, make your case to america right now, why should we not legalize pot. because it's happened in colorado is doing it, washington state is doing it, 20 states have legal medical marijuana. >> well, i am a good liberal democrat. and i don't like big business. and so this is the big business of addiction. because marijuana is now moved from the hemp shirts to the briefcases. they're trying to sell this new big business just like big tobacco and big liquor on the notion that they can make a profit off of people like me who are addicts because that's where their money is. their money is in people like me who like to use more than is really acceptable. >> stephen: okay, that is the one-- that is the one, that is the one part of this that i do like.

because as an investor, i just found out there is this whole enormous market called pot that has been making billions of dollars off book for years. now i can put my money in colorado companies that are getting the stankiest bud possible, okay, and i can make a butt load of cash, why shouldn't i do that. >> that is the big thing about this new industry. they're going to advertise. so you get free-- when you get your lift ticket you get free joints when you go-- . >> stephen: is that happening. >> yeah, that's really. >> stephen: the party is happening. >> and you know, you can get the brownies and cookies all thc. you can get sodas with thc. but most people think legallization is allowing me to smoke marijuana on the weekends. it's to you being able to sell products with thc in it. >> stephen: now i want it to be-- here is the thing.

if you get arrested you go to jail, okay. you are for decriminalization. >> i'm for keeping it illegal but for alternative sentencing. i think people should pay fines. i think they should get treatment if they need it. and that is why i passed the mental health parity and mental addiction. i think there should be a checkup from the neck up. >> stephen: so instead of going to jail, you go to rehab. >> so, well, rehabs are going to love this. >> stephen: i should invest in rehabs. >> you should invest in rehab because the biggest new admission now, and it surpasses cocaine and alcohol and meth am fit means is marijuana, believe it or not. >> stephen: really. >> invest in that and invest in marijuana, will you make out in both respects, yes. >> stephen: do you smoke pot, you don't do substance abuse any more. did you smoke pot. >> the kind of marijuana that is available today was available back when i was trying it, i could have eaten it because it's these edibles that-- because hi asthma, i moved on to other

things to get high. i didn't smoke-- . >> stephen: wait a second, wait a second. so if pot is illegal then maybe would you have stopped with pot. >> i might have stopped with pot but then i wouldn't have finally realized that i had a problem because marijuana would have kept me on the slow train to nowhere a lot longer than cocaine or alcohol. where it's pretty hard after a while to ignore the fact that you have an addiction. but marijuana, you can smoke it for a long time and still be in denial,. you know, my denial was tough to break. i was arrested for several times. it was humiliated but with marijuana i probably would have been able to get away with it a a lot longer that i did. >> stephen: i told you there were two things that worry me. the other is that if we make marijuana legal is might-- it might cut into xanax sales because park suit calls, those things have got a sweet little edge to them. should we make pharmaceuticals illegal as well? because they are highly addictive. >> well, it's likes oxycontin which i was addicted to.

>> stephen: was it lovely. >> yeah, it felt really good. and you know what, that's now permissive. that's the problem with making marijuana legal is it a permissive i'm, saying oh, it's medicine, i will take t i will feel better. and i really worry about the future of our country. and with the anxiety level of our young people, the stress of our kids, we're just adding something else that may in the short run make them feel better but in the long run is going to really cost them and cost our country. >> stephen: patrick, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: patrick kennedy. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ speaking russian ] ♪ ♪ i have no idea what you're saying,

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what will your verse be? lovely read susan. may i read something? yes, please. of course. a rich, never bitter taste cup after cup. 340 grams. [ sighs ] [ male announcer ] always rich, never bitter. gevalia. . >> stephen: that's it for report, everybody. join us tomorrow night when buddy cole sits down with the u.s. speed skating team and teaches them eve