the best part was getting to tell them what i think about them right to their face. >> don't talk anymore, all right? if you say one more word -- i know you think you're being cute but you're ruining jokes you haven't heard, you [bleep]. [laughter] >> ah, man, i really know how to give back to my fans. yes, i had them kicked out. stay tuned for an all-new rerun of tosh.0. what do you have going on tonight, daniel? well, jon, it's a classic web redemption with some idiot from the internet, and we make fun of asians this week. i think i've already seen that one, daniel. see you next week. goodnight. sit, ubu, sit. good dog. [cheers & applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central

( cheers and applause ) >> welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. i just cannot begin to tell you what that means tonight. ladies and gentlemen, i've got to thank you for that outpouring of affection. you know i am nothing without your support. but i need it now more than ever because there has been a huge misunderstanding between me and

my broadcast life partner bill o'reilly. ( laughter ) last week i told you papa bear is auctioning off the notes from his historic super bowl interview with president obama for the veterans charity fisher house. just look at those interview notes. no other fox news host does that kind of prep work. sean hannity uses the same notes for every show, hanit smash. and it is no secret i idolize bill so i was inspired to auction off my own piece of o'reilly-bieleia. what are you looking at here is the actual microwave oven i stole from billoreiyah's green room, okay. ( cheers and applause ). all ed proceeds of the microwave go to benefit the yellow ribbon fund that helps service members and their families and it's fitting, folks. this microwave is just like bill o'reilly-- it's a little old, a

little square, and does not care what you're saying. ( cheers and applause ). now, sadly, sadly-- now, sadly, bill did not see this as an homage, because recently papa bear took a swipe at me. >> colbert, fresh from his visit to the white house to honor the french president is mocking my charitable efforts to the fisher house. biewb dubaiuous. might be. a tip of day, fisher house is a worth chyle charity and colbert is-- not going to say it. >> stephen: great humanitarian? stud muffin? the wind beneath your wings? stop me when i get it right. but bill, if you're watching, you should know that you really hurt me. and if you're not watching, that

hurts me even more. i wasn't mocking you. i was celebrating you. just taking some of the weight off your shoulders. why does it always have to be you talking about how great you are? furthermore, i was promoting your auction. and, apparently, it worked because after i mentioned it, the bids for bill's interview notes skyrocketed to $999,999,999, and then dropped down to $30. apparently, bill made the rookie mustake of not getting verified bids. gotta do it, bill. it's the only way to know that "theboneranger" might not be a serious bidder. ( cheers and applause ) bill, with all due respect, you're an idiot.

meanwhile, the bidding on my microwave shot up to $98,000, before dropping back to $3,100. see, what happened is that the $98,000 was not a verified bid. hey, honest mistake. could happen to anyone. but it's worth that much. a lot of history in this appliance. i used it to melt an al franken action figure, sterilize my boxer shorts, and bombard styrofoam cups with enough radiation to spawn a giant mutant cup, which i kept at bay with a massive packet of artificial sweetener. that's just what we do at the report. hard news. so go to colbert nation and bid on the microwave. auction ends this saturday. again, all proceeds going to the yellow ribbon fund. you could be the owner of this

microwave signed by me and bill o'reilly. please, bill, sign my microwave. ( laughter ) otherwise, you are going to look like a real-- not going to say it. ( cheers and applause ). dream weaver. ( applause ) ( laughter ) nation-- ( laughter ) we are entering the final days of the winter olympics in sochi, russia. and it has been magical. we've laughed, we've cried. we learned finland and denmark are two different places. ( laughter ) now, i warned you the games could be ruinid by homosexuals protesting russia's anti-gay laws. so i sent my old friend and producer, buddy cole, to sochi

welcome my producer, buddy cole. welcome, buddy! great reports this week, buddy. what are you up to on your last night in sochi? >> well, stephen, i'm hoping to meet my hero, team u.s.a.'s skiing legend, bode miller. >> stephen: that would be nice but i'm not sure that will be possible, buddy. >> why not. >> stephen: because he's here with us in the studio. bode miller, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) bode, good to see you again. have a seat. poddy miller! ( cheers and applause ) bode, listen, man-- ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you so much. bode, you're a 33-time world cup

winner. you've been in five different olympics. you've won gold, you've won silver, you've won bronze right here. okay. is this going to be your last olympics? >> yeah, i don't know. i mean, i brought home the bronze in my wife's favorite event so i think maybe this will be the time to hang it up. if i can go for another one, if my body holds up -- >> stephen: at the very least go for the curling team. >> i'll have to change it upon a little. >> stephen: you don't have to go as fast down the ice and that sport comes with a bar. you grew up in a cabin in new hampshire with no running water and no electricity. is that a true story or did nbc make that up for your montage? ( laughter ) >> i grew up on 57th street. >> stephen: here? that's nice. all right. ( laughter ) you're the oldest athlete to ever medal in alpine skiing. hold are you, 78, 79? >> i turn 50 in 15 years.

( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now that seems really-- that seems really young. do you feel old on the slopes? >> you know, it's weird, sometimes you do. i felt old at the bottom of a lot of those races. at the top i feel like a kid and i'm all jittery and excited and when i get to the bottom and had it was pretty quiet during a couple of my races and you came to the finish up and look up and feel pret old sometimes. >> stephen: should this be your last olympic? do you think you could ever going to the mountain and swing slowly, and have a hot cokie? could you ever ski like that? >> yeah, i think it is good to mix it up. but i have the thrill seeker. once you've gotten good at something like this, yeah, you do want to test yourself. i think that's why i'm still going, i think. i don't a lot to prove i don't think in racing except it's the only chance i get to go as fast

as i can. a couple of times i got to the bottom and my wife was waiting for me at the finish and i haven't felt like that in 10 years. i was gi giddy. i had so much fun. it was like, "that was so fun!" with some other words mixed in there. ( laughter ) and it was so awesome. and that's why i keep doing it. i love bronze medals but for me it's the top. >> stephen: congratulations. thank you so much for stopping by. bode miller, everybody. ( cheers and applause ). thanks so much. thanks so much. bode aflac!

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i gotta ciabatta! now that's better. it's an invitation to stop and savor the unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. now, before the break, i was talking to my old friend and producer, buddy cole. >> you were. >> after a week in so much, i'm disappointed you never found vladimir putin's russian day threats. >> au contraire, stephen, i finally found them but in order to get to the bottom of the story-- or the top-- i'm not picky i had to go deep undercover and disguise myself as a homosexual?

>> stephen: what? you? gay? >> i know! yes, just to get the story, i bit the bullet and some other stuff, and i managed to penetrate sochi's gay underground. >> stephen: wow, buddy, i would love to see the dramatic conclusion of your journey. >> and so you shall. are you going to say "jim" tonight? >> not again. >> jim, the colbert presents a score report from russia with love. >> but no gay stuff. >> 00-14. >> with me, buddy cole. it has been a long and lonely week for me in sochi. even my state-of-the-art gay-dar hadn't registered a single threat. i didn't understand. the russian security forces always seemed to be able to know

where the gay threat would be. i wonder why. so i got in their pant, and immediately discovered a top secret gay nightclub in sochi by google "gay nightclub in so much." i needed to infiltrate sochi's only gay bar, club miac. i sat down with the owner andre. so here we are in club miac. has business gotten worse since the antigay propaganda laws. >> absolutely not. it's a silly law that can't be enforced. for me, gay relationships are traditional. for someone else, they are not. >> so vladimir putin, he seems a relationship with a cheetah would that be a traditional relationship? >> ( translated ): most people would consider that a nontraditional relationship. often, he also appears shirtless with his bare nipples gee, i

know, i like his nipples. do you think it's possible that these laws are actually encouraging homosexuality by making it more dangerous and thus more attractive? >> ( translated ): i would not say more dangerous but possibly more than attractive. >> i things in the states things have gotten very bad for the gays. all they're doing is getting married bare foot on the street and adopting chinese girls. it's a nightmare situation. >> then i suggest you go on an american gay cruise. they're full of excitement. i've been on them, but you have to be careful what you eat. >> oh, you ( bleep ) indian. i thought so. i had the same problem in mumbai. andre, i'm worried that some of your employees that might get into trouble so i made some t-shirts that said not gay in serillic. >> i think they would be better

with more rhinestone. you look like russian pop star. >> really? he must be very good looking. i think it's an exciting time for russian gays. they're getting all the attention. i was thinking of staying for a little while. >> ( translated ): that's great. we can offer you a job here. >> you can pay me in drinks. >> ( translated ): that's a good idea. >> i never considered myself a gay activist. but something about this place was starting to gay activate me. ( laughter ) i was getting propagandized from every direction. now this is what i call a protest! >> turns out piewtip is right. there is a gay threat in rauch, and i am the latest victim. >> stephen: buddy cole, everybody!

wait, wait a second. buddy. buddy what, are you doing here? i thought you were in sochi? >> i flew back. >> stephen: during the four-minute piece? it's a nine-hour flight? >> yes, but there's a nine-hour time difference so it all works out. >> stephen: buddy, while your piece was airing, i'm afraid i realized something about you that's disturbing and you've been keeping it from me. >> oh? really? i don't think so. i've been completely above board with you. what is it, stephen? >> stephen: you tried to hide it from he. >> no. >> stephen: but you cannot hide it anymore? >> what? >> stephen: you are a canadian. ( applause ) >> it's true. i'm sorry, but how could you tell? >> stephen: well, um, you seem a little gay. ( laughter ) ( applause ) buddy cole, everybody. ♪ oh. let's go. from the crack, off the backboard.

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( cheers and applause )

welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a retired four-star general who served in operations desert storm, desert shield, enduring freedom, and iraqi freedom. if you have a problem with deserts or freedom, he's your man. please welcome general stanley mcchrystal. ( cheers and applause ) thanks for coming on. all right, sir, you are a retired four-star general in the u.s. army, commander of u.s. and international security system forces in afghanistan, commander of the joint special operations command, or jsoc, and you have a new book here called "my share of the task." all right, first of all, before we get started, you're my third four-star general. petraeus, odierno, and you, makes me a 12-star host so don't try to pull rank on me, all right? don't try to pull rank. i did not do my share of the reading, so tell me about "my

share of the task." what are you trying to say in this book. it's about personal responsibility? >> it is. it's about being part of a team but accepting your part of the responsibility for that because ultimately, you have a responsibility to other people, the people who you work for and who you stand next to. >> stephen: you commanded jsoexrrks. you are the guide that turned jsoc-- the joint special operations command-- into a real javelin against al qaeda and our ?ms in afghanistan and iraq. you guys took out zarqawi. explain what jsoc does. >> it brings together america's most elite forces and it it is used for the most precise missions -- hijack, the mission against osama bin laden. >> stephen: sale team 6, delta guys. >> all of those forces. and they're brought together so you can put all these capabilities together in very, very different missions. >> stephen: you retired after

it was noted in "rolling stone" magazine that you criticized the chaip of command, including the president. was that the case of obama losing another american's job, in this case yours? why did you have to retire? >> there was an article that came out that put president obama, my commander in chief, in a difficult position, and that's not what a commander is supposed to do when he works for a commander in chief. so what i did was, i offered my resignation to the president, and he accepted it, and i think that i did the right thing because when something like that happens, the most important thing is the mission and the people that work for you. >> stephen: the inspector general of the pentagon found you had not been insubordinate. why did you retire anyway? do you want to call backsies on that one? ( laughter ). >> that was actual several months later before it came out, but the media psyche cell you first have a frenzy at first, and then some months later there's much more accuracy. people have time to think and study and they found out what had been in the article wasn't

entirely accurate. >> stephen: why talk to "rolling stone" though? why-- why not something not "rolling stone?" ( laughter ). >> ficould have a do-over, i might go-- i might reconsider that. >> stephen: all right. afghanistan-- what? ( laughter ) ( applause ) and when? and when? and for that matter why? and while we're at it, where? we've been there for 12 years. what do you think needs to happen there? or can we win that war or will we just redefine what winning means? >> we certainly won't win. the afghan people are the only people that can win that war. but we need to understand that afghanistan has been in turmoil, essentially in combat since 1979. and so, we've had two generations of afghans who know nothing but chaos. since 9/11, 2001, when we entered that fall, there's been an effort on the part of the

west, led by the united states primarily, to give the afghan people a chance to move forward. now, they've made a lot of progress in the last 12 years, kids in school. they've had a generation grow and had 14 million afghan females with new opportunities. there are more afghan female fen afghanistan's parliament than there are american females in the american congress. and so, there has been progress, and i don't think they want to come back. i don't think they have any interest in the taliban coming back into any kind of control. >> stephen: you think we should bring the draft back. >> i do. >> stephen: and as someone too old to be drafted, i agree with you. ( laughter ) what do you think that would do for us as a nation? >> what i really believe in is that service changes you. i think service made me better than i would have been otherwise. i think every young american should have an opportunity to do service for the nation, not necessarily military. maybe in health care. maybe in education. and i think everyone should get

the chance to spend a year at paid, national service. i think it would change how they feel about citizenship. i think it would change how we feel about each other. i think people from connecticut would get to know people from east l.a. i think we'd certainly start to mend some of the divisions in our society. >> stephen: without the draft, how would forrest gump have met buba? ( laughter ) we wouldn't have that delicious shrimp company in times square. ( laughter ) ( applause ) well, general, thank you so much for joining me. general stanley mcchrystal. the book i is "my share of the america is talking about our best pizza yet, the all-new hand tossed. well we hear you america and to return the love we're bringing back our 10 any pizza deal. for a limited timeet, that's any pizza,tossed. any crust, any toppings even specialties for 10 bucks! pizza hut. make it great. [ car alarm chirps ] ♪ [ male announcer ] we don't just certify

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[ speaking russian ] ♪ ♪ i have no idea what you're saying, but count me in! peanut m&m's for everyone! [ laughter ] wait...what? ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. before we go, general

mcchrystal, would you please sign my microwave for the yellow ribbon fund? ( cheers and applause ) you're next, bill. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org . >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight ronan farrow. he has a new show on a