>> tonight piers morgan gets into hot water, or as they call it in england, beer. them there's good news coming out of iraq, and that news was immediately redeployed to afghanistan. and my guest brian green is launching a new web site dedicated to science education, but how do i get the baking soda and vinegar into my hard drive? employers in spain are getting rid of daytime naps. meanwhile, employers in america are getting rid of night time sleep. this is the "colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! thank you for joining us, everybody. folks, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ). it's good to have you here. i justice want to say and i don't say this every night but this is a special night here, especially in the world of late night. ladies and gentlemen, before we begin, i want to begin by welcoming my friend jimmy fallo

>> but jimedy, you're going to do great. everyone should check out jimmy's show ons from. ( laughter ) ( applause ) last night was an historic occasion because i walked on and poured coins all over jimmy. of course dumping change on each other is a late-night-host tradition going back to when steve allen bludgeoned jack paar with a role of quarters. jimmy was so happy i was there as you can see in this, the actual selfie i took last night. ( cheers and applause ). there's jimmy, there's jimmy. there he is.

thanking god that i'm there. congratulations, jimmy, welcome to 11:30. i'm sure it's a relief to escape the baron television superfund site of the 12:30 death slot. that reminds me-- congratulations, seth. looking forward to february 24. you're going to be great. ( cheers and applause ). nation, is it me or has america gone crazy? everybody is covered in tattoos, has health insurance-- it's madness. but, folks, nothing has me more confuses than the transgenders. they're everywhere from rupaul, to "glee "to the transformers movies. hey, hey, optimists. you were born a robot. it doesn't matter if inside you feel like you're a truck. ( applause ) besides, being transjerpd is just not fair, i put in 49 works into being a dude, and then some

joannie-come-lately says she's a johnny and suddenly i have have to pay her the same as a man. where are we as a nation? and the whole thing makes my brain broke. last week, facebook added more than 50 custom gender options, including transgender, transgender female, transgender male, transfemale, transmale, transwoman, transperson, transasterisk female. transasterisk male. transasterisk person-- i believe that's when you're born an asterisk but deep inside you believe you're an ampersand. ( laughter ) ( applause ) plus. ( cheers ) no, i have a cousin. transsexual. transsexual female. transsexual male. transsexual man, transsexual person, androgynous, gender questioning, gender nonconforming, and gender fluid-- although i certainly

hope all those categories including some sort of gender fluids. now, i'm going to skip here-- i'm going to skip a few of these, but the list rounds out with pan-gender, neither, and other. ( applause ) ( cheers ) "other." "other." what did i not include in that list? pirate. mer-person. minaj? and folks, get this, get this, now transgenders are trying to infiltrate the last bastion of maleness, the victoria secret's fashion show. >> carmen carrera say rising star in the fashion world. she has more than 200,000 followers on facebook and fans signed a petition trying to have heralded to the victoria's secret fashion show. what sets her apart from the other fashion models is she's transgendered. >> stephen: what? she can't be a runway model.

not because she's transgender. because she 28. move it along, grandma. move it along! ( cheers and applause ) get some of them granny panties. pull them up to here. ( cheers and applause ). and it is a mind field for television hosts. i mean look at poor katie couric. i know she's a woman because i saw her colonoscopy. very-- no, no, no, you can tell-- very dainty did youd onem. she invited carmen carrera on her show but caught serious heat for asking a serious question? >> your private parts are different now, aren't they? >> i don't want to talk about it. it's really personal. they always kind of just make it about, another let's see your before. let's see your after. and now what, do your genitals look like? >> stephen: okay, let me get this straight. now we can't talk about

genitals? i wouldn't have a show ficouldn't mention my balls. ( cheers and applause ). they are my cohosts-- kathie lee and hoda. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) what happened to poor katie couric pales in comparison to the hit job the gender dysmorphia mafia did to cnn's piers morgan. he dwoaded an entire segment to jan mock, and piers even went the extra mile to clearly identify who janet used to be, which caused her to twitter slam piers writing-- i was not formerly a man. please stop sensationalizing my life. and@piersmorganlive get it the

bleep together. it's the same message he gets every night from cnn president jeff zucker. the internet unloded both battles on piers, who put mock back on to policy for what he had said. >> i have spent literally 12 hours being viciously abused by the transgender community. i want you to explain why i had to go through this. >> stephen: yes, you transgender people don't understand what it's like to be ridiculed and abused. ( laughter ) i mean, they said mean things about him on twitter, and what's piers morgan supposed to do-- not spend 12 hours reading about himself? ( laughter ) ( applause ) the point is-- ( cheers and applause ) no, i'm mad. i am mad. the point is that transgendered community are never satisfied. apparently, it's not enough to treat them like women. now we have to treat them like human beings. ( laughter ) nation, this is a problem without answers. and when i come back, i'm going to get those answers from

transgender author janet mock. transgender author janet mock. we'll be right b now you can create your own perfect plate of pasta at olive garden, with our new cucina mia menu, for just $9.99. choose the homemade sauce that tempts you the most. like our addictively creamy garlic asiago, devilishly spicy diavolo or garden-fresh primavera with roasted vegetables. all made from scratch and made to order. served with your choice of our new artisinal pastas including gluten free. new cucina mia is all about flavor, all about you, and all just $9.99. at olive garden, we're all family here.

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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. you know, folks, if you are just joining the report already in progress, before the commercial break, we were discussing, shall we say, the bathing suit region. i don't want to get too graphic here because you see, as a broadcaster when it comes to

transgender issue i don't know what i should say to these people. here to say what i should say to these people, please welcome transgender activist, piers morgan abuser, and author of "redefining realness," janet mock. good to see you. ( cheers and applause ). now then, here's the book, "redefining realness," go get it. now, young lady, young lady-- ( cheers ) okay, now i don't-- i don't want to misstep here. so what i've done-- we've had you record on this biton right here, what you said to piers morgan. give it a slitle shot there. >> get it the ( bleep ) together. >> stephen: okay, if at some point, you think i've said the wrong thing, just hit the button, okay? >> i will. >> stephen: those are the ground rules. >> okay ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: janet-- can i call you janet? >> please, do call me janet. >> stephen: young lady, why are you so mad at my buddy

piers. why did you unload on him? >> i think me and piers had an issue speaking across privilege, across difference, and across experience. i think that they use very problematic language that showed their lack of understanding. i think our wider culture -- >> stephen: they? he's a he. he self-identifies as a single man. don't you identify him as something other than a single man. that's his choice. all right. >> get it the ( bleep ) together. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: how dare you? how dare you? okay, you said that he was trying to sensationalize your life. >> yes. >> stephen: did you-- did you not want to sell a lot of books? because that's what moves papers, sensationalizing. >> well, yes, but the book's purpose is to elevate the issue facing young trans, talk about issues facing transwomen of color and the trans community at

large. they deal with daily access issues, like being able to safely leave their home. being able to walk on the street without being harassed. be able to get affordable medical care-- which i know you really believe in. >> stephen: sure, move to canada, baby. ( laughter ) is it getting better for people in the trans community? >> i think it is. i think that me sitting here with you as your first openly trans guest, i'm assuming-- ( cheers and applause ) is an amazing moment. and i also think that-- and you also are just asking how copeople want to identify. those 50 facebook gender markers -- >> stephen: that doesn't seem lake a lot to you? >> actually, it seems like a little. >> stephen: really when i was a kid-- >> nonbienar, bigender -- >> stephen: that was in there, too. i only have a half hour show. help me out here! i'm just a guy, self-identify as a guy. is there a name for that as a guy who identifies as a guy? >> yes you identify as a guy.

and i think asking people -- >> stephen: do i have a name? >> do you identify as a man? >> stephen: i do, baby. >> i think the first step is asking people how they identify? we respect their freedom to self-identify. >> stephen: doesn't that make every conversation with a person you meet end up being with that other person? >> well -- >> stephen: i want the conversation to be about me? >> it is because it freeze you from making mistakes and assumption. >> stephen: should i lead with that, "stephen colbert, self-identifies as a man." >> yes, and i use "he" and "him" pronouns. >> stephen: what if not "he" or "him. of. >> they, them. i usually use it "they." >> stephen: for a single person? >> yes. >> stephen: that sounds way too much like what shall i call you? and it says we are legion because we are many. that sets off alarmbles in my

head. >> for some people that's how they want to identify and it freeze us from making assumptions. >> stephen: help me out. i self-identify as just an average joe sicked pack. >> okay. >> stephen: when i grew up, when i grew up, you had an iny or an outy. it was like a bellybutton, okay? >> okay, okay. >> stephen: i'm at sea here. i'm completely at sea in the new world. i might be too old to learn this new stuff. >> i don't think so. >> stephen: really? >> i think this is a conversation about gender, and i think our genders are as unique as we are. my father had a very black and white idea of gender, men do this, girls do this. women do this, boys do that. for me i was forced to follow all of his rooms. i was a baby who was assigned male at birth and told i needed to act like a boy. >> stephen: if i have a baby and see certain genitals-- i don't want to get into any of the rough stuff-- i might say that's a boy.

am i to go the wrong thing by doing that? should i just call a baby "it." until it's old enough. >> or "they" or "my child" or "my kid." >> stephen: would you like this to to be not a big deal eventually? >> i would. >> stephen: so you want to be like the rest of us which is boring. what is the most boring aspect of being transgender? >> what is the most boring aspect of being transgender? >> stephen: yes. because life is boring. mostly it's this. this is night, but there's that, which is that. this is good. boring is good, right? >> i think the most boring thing is talking to someone about telling them how i identify. that's the most boring thing. >> stephen: are you bored right now? because that's what this entire conversation has been about. >> get it the ( bleep ) together. >> stephen: janet, thank you >> stephen: janet, thank you so much for joining in 15 seconds, ibm watson can

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transferred money from his before larry instantly bank of america savings account to his merrill edge retirement account. before he opened his first hot chocolate stand calling winter an "underserved season". and before he quit his friend's leaf-raking business for "not offering a 401k." larry knew the importance of preparing for retirement. that's why when the time came he counted on merrill edge to streamline his investing and help him plan for the road ahead. that's the power of streamlined connections. that's merrill edge and bank of america. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight-- i've only read g equal mc. don't tell me how it ends. please welcome brian green! hey, prien, good to see you. thanks for coming back. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: good to see you again. for the people out there who may not be, you are a theoretical physicist at columbia university, the cofounder of the

world science festival. your new project is world science you. which aims to become the spirnt's pest source of courses focused exclusively on science. why do you want to teach science on the internet? you didn't have the internet when you learned science? doesn't that kind of-- doesn't that kind of cheapen science to make it free on the internet? >> that's exactly what motivated us to do this because now we can teach science so much better than we could back then. i struggled as a kid trying to learn einstein's ideals of relativity. >> stephen: hey, dummy, hey, dummy. >> exactly right. here's the thing-- if you can show the visualization of the slowing of time or compression of space, kids get it so much more easily than if you just had a blackboard way piece of chalk. >> stephen: okay, so you have two lectures start starting off, it launches next week. worldscienceyou.com. and the first two lectures are on the general and specific--

>> both on special relativity. one version is without math, just conceptuals. and one has the equations for the people who want to dig in deep and really understand what it's all about. >> stephen: okay, give me the special relativity. give me that. is that a better relativity than general? is it like the admiral-- you know. general is like coach relativity? >> now, here's the difference, here's the difference. general, einstein took gravity into account and special relativity, he didn't. but in special relativity, he figured out space and time are not what we think they are, right? we all have this in our mind that time just ticks forward second after second after second, like that right there. but that fools us into thinking time was the same for everyone. if you were to get up from the table, run around the room and come back, your watch would tick off less time than it would have if you were just sitting still.

>> stephen: why? >> you have to take the course, but here's the thing-- ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: so the faster i go, the faster i go, the less i age. >> if you go 99.9999999999% of the speed of light, you go out into space for six months-- stay with me-- turn around and come back, you will have aged only one year but earth will have aged 2,023,607. you will have gone a quarter of a million years into the future. when you tell that to a kid, science becoming? they are no longer intimidated by, something that is no longer boark. they want ton about it. >> stephen: let me get this straight, the closer you get to the speed of light, the less time passes for you, and there's a relative-- relative to the rest of your-- rest of the world. >> the universe, exactly right. >> stephen: it's going faster for them. if i have a flashlight and fire the flashlight at you the first

photon is coming at you at the speed of light, right? >> it is, so is the second one. >> stephen: the first one-- there might be a traffic jam on or something like that. chris christie might pick you want phone. but that photon is going at the speed of light, so time is not passing for the photon then-- >> you could say that. >> stephen: by the time the photon gets to you, am i dead? >> i hope not. but here's the thing. if you consider an object going near the speed of light, at the speed of light poetically, times stop, but no material object can ever go at the speed of light, so we will never experience that. photon has no mass. >> stephen: how does it then-- how does that thing in the glass, that little thing that twirlz around, the light light ulb that has the black and white, flag that twirlz around inside. you have ever seen it? there's a light bulb with a needle inside and it has flags

and you put it in the sunshine and it spins around because the weight of the-- >> oh, i know the thirng the radiometer. like lite can push. >> stephen: it has mass. >> it is energy. >> stephen: energy equals mass times the speed of light squared by ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ) >> it has no mass if it were at rest. that's the key thing. >> stephen: but it's not at rest. >> that's why it can energy. >> stephen: can it have infinitely mass because it's going infinitely fast. >> it has a finite amount of energy pup know that because you can push on it and feel it. the sun's heat gives energy to the earth and allows the plant to grow. >> stephen: i know the sun is hot. okay, so it starts next week. >> yes. >> stephen: okay, and how do people get to it worldscienceu.com. people should go and sign up and it will be a fun ride.

>> stephen: does this cost anything? >> no, it's free. >> stephen: then how does the university make its money, off of the football team? >> that's ad if question. i don't know. i don't think about those things. i just want to get good material out to the world. >> stephen: you're a theoretical physicist and a theoretical business man. >> there you are! >> there you are! >> stephen: brian green,

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( cheers and applause )

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [charlie] i just... i can't believe you just bought, like, another ridiculous ugly car. you are lucky i am letting you into my [bleep] damn... oh, [bleep], okay, okay, here she comes, here she comes. okay, see, what is she doing? she appears to be delivering food. no. that's not what i'm saying-- i know that. she's actually delivering indian food now. it's a good gig. but i mean, why is she not locking up her bike? this is a bad neighborhood. okay, look at this guy. he's totally gonna steal it. - i got to move. - what are you talking about? [charlie barking] keep it moving, guy! - [barking] - [bleep] damn it! charlie! what are you doing here? you're just leaving your bike unlocked? i'm protecting it so it doesn't get stolen! okay, you know what? i'm done. i am so done with this. you need to stop stalking me. you need to leave me alone. look... do you have any idea what a mess your life would be if i wasn't always helping you out?