(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> i love that sound, that is the sound of freedom. happiness. joy! power! nation, thank you so much for that greeting. (cheers and applause) welcome to the report. good to have you with us. nation, i am so glad, i am so glad to hear that you are happy because i used to be happy. but i learned something today that shook me to my core. and once my core is shaken, don't come a knocking. (laughter) here's the deal. remember that one time i mentioned in passing that obama is plotting to radically alter the

founder's vision for america? he is ben frj lynn would be horrified by obamacare. he it doesn't even cover leech-kraft or bone purging for female hysteria. but folks what is most insidious about obama's a againa is how is our brainwashing our children. take michelle obama's let's move campaign to combat childhood obesity. oh o i'm sorry, i'm sorry. no, that's north korean dictator kim jong you know. it's so easy to mistakes this two, they both look great in pant suits. (laughter) oh, and dear leader has his own very effective anti-obesity program. he is the only one in north korea who gets to eat. (laughter) well, nation, i am sad to say that i am terrified to report that generalisima michelle is winning the battle of the baby bulge. >> a big step forward in the battle against childhood obesity. a new study using federal data says obesity in

children between the ages 26 and 5 has dramatically decreased. over 40% in a decade. this report comes out just as the first lady's let's move program to improve kid's fitness levels and eating habits marks its fourth anniversary. >> over 40% in a decade. nation, i believe the children are the future. and thanks to mish ohl bama america now has 40% less tomorrow. that's just math. that's just math. (laughter) i don't understand a first lady accomplishing something. everything they do is supposed to be a symbolic waste of time. (laughter) like nancy reagan's war on drugs or laura bush's fight to end presidential illiteracy. (laughter) well-- (cheers and applause) lady and gentlemen, thanks to miss obama instead of care-free chubb sters, we are now breathing a

again-- breeding a generation of body conscious cops doing tricycle spin classes desperately trying to get back to their birth weight. (laughter) worst of all this is bad news for the gop. they need to reach out to the preschool demo. and it won't be easy since the republicans are on record as trying to deport dora. and they condemn spongebob as a form of birth control. plus preschool itself is a left wing socialist training camp. sharing toys, snack handouts, premarital snapping, not to mention wasteful infrastructure projects. you're overbudget, sam. that thing's not even dinosaur proof. we can still win them over, folks. i think they'll really identify with the current conservative economic message, mine! now nation, did you hear something? it sounds like it came from outside.

is your front door knock. i think so isn't good enough. is your front door locked. never mind, it's coming from inside the house now. get out of there! okay. that was just a drill. next time it won't be. i'll be sending someone. point is, folks, you can never be too careful these days. america's crime rate is so high it ought to be illegal. (laughter) luckily there's one man working tirelessly to keep america safe. stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) every day i am on the case 24/7. now i don't know what that adds up to but it sounds like a lot. like 40. i punish criminals by occasionally talking about them on television. tonight, folks, i do it again. this is colbert's very wanted. >> in tonight's edition of colbert's very wanted.

>> it was just so shocking. >> a small town reeling from a heinous crime. >> who would do such a thing. >> whoever did this could certainly do it again and again and again. >> is there a serial criminal on the loose? this is colbert's very wanted. (applause) >> socrateses new york, a typical small town. maybe even like your town. it's home for this couple. >> i'm bob. >> i'm babs. >> their peaceful lives were shattered by a senseless crime that took place just weeks ago. >> it was a saturday night. my two daughters were visiting from long island. and we had a party, the

whole family. >> a party that would end in horror. >> and then the two of us, babs and i went upstairs to go to asleep. >> a sleep violently interrupted at 2 a.m.. >> we heard dog barking. >> but the dog barks and we don't pay much attention to it. >> so they kept sleeping. >> a decision that would come to haunt their dreams. >> i do blame myself. i-- i blame myself. >> in the morning bob got up. >> and i opened the door and i was shocked, gumby's gone. >> police are looking for a braz enthieve who broke a 7 foot sculpture off its foundation. the report is the owners are asking for gum bee to come home. >> the police don't have much to go on. they have this leftover please of green styrofoam from the statue and they know it looks like this. >> oh pie god.

that's terrible. >> a piece of our soul is gone, a piece of me is gone. this little piece of gum bee is all i can see that's left of gum bee. >> so what happened to gumby. >> the police have no leads. they told me the other day that they had no leads. >> who would do such a thing, such a thing. to tell us we turned to forensic psychologist dr. lewis schlessinger. >> in my judgement, this was a thought out plan and premed kated kidnapping. when you have an a duction like that, it usually doesn't turn out well. >> is there a serial gumby an ducter-- abducter on the loose? >> i would to the say that there is a serial gumby abductor on the loose. >> then how do you explain these crimes. in colorado this blowup gumby was kidnapped from the lawn. and then in delaware, the back door to new york.

>> a cool yard full of these beautiful steel sculptures but tonight he just wants to know one thing, who took gumby? >> i still don't know who took gumby. >> phil finisher's gumby was abducted right off his pole. >> i'm a retired pipeline welder. and i am a recovering alcoholic, 22 years. and i needed something to do with my time. >> so he made gumby by hand. and now gumby's gone. >> gumby's gone but i'm not going to go back to drinking. >> no one is suggesting that, phil. >> i haven't had a drop of alcohol since september 6th, 1991. not a drop. >> let's stay focused on gumby. >> that's the god' honesting strike me dead right here if i'm lying. >> there are two takeaways here. there is a gumby abductor on the loose, and firl isn't drinking any more. >> to catch this criminal, we turned to forensic scientist lawrence

scofflinsky. he spilled it out for us. >> lawrancekobilsky followed with a ph.d. >> . the doctor had this scientific analysis of the crime scene. >> having scene the crime-- the crime scene and diagrams of the location it's clear a crime has been committed. >> he was able to tell us what he learned from just this remaining piece. >> it seems to me that the vast majority of gumby is to you gone. >> but there were enough remains for a forensic anthropologist to make this disturbingly accurate reconstruction. so is there anything else can you tell us. >> it's obviously been done by a violent criminal who wanted gumby at all costs, probably came in the darkness of night, grabbed him, sped away with him in a vehicle, and the rest is to you going to be up to science to solve without did

it. >> and science is his specialty. so doctor, who committed this crime? >> we really don't know who committed this crime. (laughter) >> which leaves bob and babs alone with their fears. >> there are perverts who love sex with cartoon characters. so that could have been the reason for stealing. the cartoon characters don't really talk back to them while they're having sex. they, they endure it. >> while gumby endures, the message is simple. >> protect your gumby. >> before it's too late. (cheers and applause) [ tires screech ] [ car alarm chirps ]

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, nation, if you check your calendars will you see that we are a scant 986 days away from the 2016 presidential election. i am feeling pretty good about the gop's chances. while the dems are stuck with hillary, the republicans have an embarrassment of riches, also a lot of great candidates. for instance, louisiana governor bobby jindal, i can to the say enough great things about this guy. so i will not start. (laughter) then there's senator rand

paul, many have called him constitutionally eligible to run for office. and of course as always chris christie, yes, yes he's if a bit of a rough patch right now. but by 2016 i'm sure this whole scandal is just going to be a bump in the-- i mean-- i mean-- i mean the whole thing's just going to be water under the-- (laughter) but whoever they run, hillary will not be the unstoppable she-gernaut. republicans, for the record, do not fear. because fox news has just uncovered a bombshell of a lifetime. >> hillary clinton could face an obstacle that has nothing to do with her husband's past or even her own. howard kurtz looks at the controversial question of how old is too old. >> the age question is growing louder than just a whisper. raised by former can dt and now fox news host mike huckabee. >> look, if she's going to

be at an age where it's going to be a challenge for her. >> if hillary clinton is the democratic candidate for president she'll turn 69 just before the election. >> stephen: that's right, fox news is ready to project that in the 2016 presidential election hillary clinton will be two years older. (laughter) i mean come on! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: come on. come on! i mean 69, that is old. like old, old. way too old to be president. i mean she's going to be almost as old as ronald reagan was. but remember those were man years. men age gracefully like robert redford or a nice leather wallet. >> jim, jim, why did you put up two leather wallets, i don't-- okay, now plus, plus it just goes to the question of trust worthiness. during the benghazi hearings, she kept changing her story. first she said she was 65. next year she's 66.

where does it stop? so obviously the developing story and what's that-- okay, i'm being told that mrs. clinton is now even older than when i began this report two minutes ago. i know it's rude to talk about a woman's age. but that's not what i am doing. i am talking about people talking about other people talking about other people talking about a woman's age. (laughter) that's called journalism. when it comes to picking the leader of the free world you've got to ask the important questions like rush does. >> we put a picture of mrs. clinton up at rushlimbaugh.com. and we simply ask does america, do the american people want to observe the aging of this woman in office. yike its! >> stephen: that's how she looks today, imagine how she would look at 73.

ooh. (cheers and applause) that's a best-- that's a best-case scenario. in the second term, she could deteriorate into this. (laughter) (laughter) jimmy, take it down. the american people don't want to observe that ever again. we'll be right [ steven holcomb ] as an olympic bobsledder and a devry university student, one thing i know for sure... you're only as good as the team pushing for you. and with you. at devry, the personal attention they give all their students, teaching what you need to know to help you get hired, and always pushing for your success means i can work for gold and toward a great tech career when the games are over. [ male announcer ] over 100 team usa athletes rely on devry to help prepare them for their next career. so can you. visit devry.edu.

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>> stephen: my guest tonight just won a gold medal in ice dancing. i wonder how they get the ice out of the ballroom. please welcome meryl davis and charlie white! (cheers and applause) thank you so much meryl, charlie, good to see you. oh my goodness,! what a thrill what a thrill to you have guys here. hardly need any introduction at all but i will give the people a little bit of your cv. not only did you just win,

but you skated together since 1997. you won four grand prix final championships, five u.s. championships and now a gold medal at the olympics with a world record 195.92 points, the first ever gold for the u.s. in your event. congratulations. and thank you. that is lovely. that is beautiful. that is fantastic. >> thank you. >> stephen: now do you need chairs right now or charlie you could just hold meryl over your head for the entire interview, and just -- >> you know, i would love to do it with a smile on my face. >> stephen: how do you get started skating at 8 and 9 and then staying to for 17 years? >> i mean we give a lot of credit to our parents for that. our parents had kind of similar outlooks on raising children and we got very fortunate in that respect. >> we have a little footage

of you guys, i'm not sure howl you guys are here, but you can roll that. >> yeah t was probably, i mean i was probably 9, charlie is probably 8 there. >> stephen: now as teenagers, you are 8 and 9 am as teenagers at any point do you throw up your hands and go there is stupid, i'm to the going to do this any more. or is the dedication stay all the way through. >> i think grew. you know, we really had no idea what we were getting into. but we loved the sport. you know, right off the bat we loved doing well. >> stephen: do you people enjoy sucking, charlie? really, we really sucked out there! that was fantastic. so at any point when you didn't do it, did you ever-- did you constantly all 17 years. >> there was a point where i broke my ankle and we had to miss an important season at the level below where we are at now. >> stephen: how did you break it. >> i was playing hockey. >> stephen: oh, okay so, are you a hockey player as well. >> yeah so, i also grew up playing hockey.

>> stephen: is any of the hockey ever come out on the ice dancing rink? like if you get a low score do you ever want to pull one of the judge's t-shirts over their head and just whack. >> no i mean charlie has a really athletic skating style which is really served us incredibly well. it took awhile to correct his little hockey player posture but-- . >> stephen: he would come up to you like this? come on,. >> did he ever check you into the boards. >> i'm not supposed to talk about that. >> stephen: you guys have the most amazing chemistry on the ice. the expressiveness, the emotion is so incredible. america wants to know, do you guys have a relationship off the ice. are you-- a couple. >> vz are you guys a couple. >> no, we're not. >> no. >> stephen: you're not. >> no. >> stephen: you're not. >> we're not. >> stephen: well, i-- refuse to believe that because if this is a lie then all love is a lie. you know, grown men in tears at your final performance.

okay, i need to move on. what should i be looking at when i look at ice dancing as opposed to look at figure skating. >> so ice dancing is a part of figure skating. there's men's single, ladies singles, pair skating and ice dancing. and a lot of people will oftentimes ask us what is the difference between pair skating and ice dancing. >> stephen: i think i just did. >> so in pairs skating, you feel a lot more overhead lifts, you see throws and side-by-side jumps. in ice dance, you know, the choreography is much closer together, the footwork is more intricate, our lifts are a bit more acrobatic. you really see that we're trying to tell a story out there on the ice. >> stephen: what is a twiz el because i've been throwing that word around pretty carelessly. >> is this-- that's-- .

>> you've got it. >> stephen: thank you, thank you. is there trash talk in olympic ice dancing like backstage are people going, you look a little chunky? or-- anything s there any-- is it a psychological game at all. >> i think sometimes you think that really hard at other people. but -- >> that's all you. >> stephen: now let's talk about the elephant in the room, charlie. your hair. i'm not suggesting that either of you is on performance enhancing drugs. but your hair must be doping, right? >> i'm not at liberty-- . >> stephen: okay, done, extensions or anything like that? >> you know, it's definitely a part of our persona on the ice. i can say that.

i think it's set us apart. i mean it works-- . >> stephen: meryl is from a magic planet where busy princesses come from. and your hair is a magic carpet. well, meryl. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you so much. charlie, thank you so much for coming. olympic gold medalist meryl davis and charlie white, world champions. [ male announcer ] the authentic taste of a strawberry margarita is here -- without all the hassle. bud light lime straw-ber-rita is perfectly mixed with a refreshing twist of bud light lime. just pop, pour over ice and enjoy. and now try new mango and raz-ber-rita. there was a boy who traveled to a faraway place where villages floated on water and castles were houses dragons lurked, giants stood tall,

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>> that's it for the report,

everybody. good night! >> fro comedy -- from comedy central's world husband nrkz -- world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we've got a good one tonight. a whole show we planned out. liam neeson, very tall man, is joining us. he's an actor. i want to get this right away as jason collins becomes the first openly gay professional basketball player. as michael sam prepares to

become the first openly gay nfl player the earth continues to spin on its axis and a plague of low justs has yet to descend upon america. because of this lack of catastrophe it's up to states like arizona to pick up the slack. >> arizona's legislature passed the bill on thursday allows business owners as long as they assert their religious beliefs to deny service to gi and lesbian customers [audience boos] >> jon: i believe that is the appropriate response. [laughter] arizona, i'll say something to you with all due respect. you are on a little bit of a roll. you have a law to allow police to ask hispanics for papers, allug doctors to talk to the women about unborn children and now. this you are lucky you are warm and you appear to