>> stephen: tonight church attendance has fall en, i say wait three days t will rise again, and my guest neil degrasse tyson of the hayden planetarium and host of the science series cosmos, i'll remind him that in this studio the universe revolves around me. daylight savings time started this weekend and i finally won the fourth month battle with our oven clock. "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, good to have you. >> stephen, stephen, stephen!, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephening stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us on this lovely monday night, in early march. folks, some of you out there may not know t you may not know this, folks. i know some you know this but as a proud catholic, i have never really cared much for atheists. (laughter) if you are turning your back on god's christian teachings, then at least have the courage to call yourself a lutheran. but folks, the latest stunt by these nonbelievers is truly nonbelievable. >> a group called american atheists is fighting to

remove a cross on displace-- display at the soon to open 9/11 memorial museum saying the sight of it causes quote mental anguish. >> stephen: yes, this cross causes pen tall anguish for atheists. who would otherwise have a care-free visit to the 9/11 museum. now folks-- (applause) >> stephen: folks this atheist lawsuit offends me and not just as a christian but as a lover of good public relations. come on, atheists, you're protesting a cross in the 9/11 museum? i know you done believe god can hear you, but you realize the rest of us can, right? (laughter) but, but folks, president of american atheists david silverman just cannot let this one go. >> people are understanding the fact that the cross is christian, that it was installed if a religious

service and on consecrated ground which makes it a work shrine on public land in a world trade center t a christian cross. >> stephen: yes, those i beams found in the wreckage can only be a crist yen cross, what other possible explanation could there be from a building made of right angles to leave something like that behind? apparently, apparently atheists want to honor lack of belief at ground zero. so i personally think the entire tragedy already suggests that religious fervour sometimes has a downside. jim? >> they say that if this cross is going to stand if a museum they want to have a placke that honors all of the atheists who died on 9/11 as well. >> stephen: let me get this straight, atheists, you say the only response necessary for nonbelievers in the face of the pneum i nous is to point-- numb i news is to point out the grad your, to witness the splender of win wheeling-- bhinling galaxy,

to wonder at the infinite tapestry of life and time and say there it, and here we are, we need no god? but a plaque would be nice? (laughter) folks, i say this attack on the 9/11 cross is just the latest sign that america is going to the bow wow. gay marriage is legal in 17 states. medical or recreational marijuana is legal in 20 states. and-- in colorado you can now legally mary your bong. you may now toke the bride. and folks, i think i know why. because according to a recent study of american churches a quarter of all congregations had fewer than 50 people in the pews, leading to the new childhood

game, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the doors, there's like six people in there at most. that's not a lot. and it's particularly bad among men. according to a recent abc, tpby-- poll while 45% of american women go to church each week, only 34% of men do. luckily, there's a way to bring men back into the fold and it brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) pew, pew, pew. folks, america is no less of a christian nation than it's ever been, but unfortunately the old methods of putting butts in the wood seats doesn't work. just ask kentucky baptist chuck mckalis-- mcalister who said the day of hanging a ban never front of your church and saying you are

having a revival and expecting the community to show up is over. exactly. a banner doesn't cut it any more. you've got to at least try a jesus belowy man. (applause) mcalister has a much better way to get men into church. >> host of television show venture bound outdoors. we're excited that we're going to be in the area at baptist church on thursday march 6th. you don't want to miss it. free admission, free steak dinner and get this, 25 guns. >> stephen: 25 guns. (applause) come on! no other religion out there is going to be able to compete with free steaks and guns. what are the hindu goesing to offer, a bowl of chickpeas and the knowledge that in a previous life you were a bowl of chickpeas? (laughter) you see, folks, people used

to go to church for a lot of reasons. they would go for a sense of community, upholding tradition, finding answers to life's biggest questions. but these days all of that, all of that is just intangible. and these days people want something more. plus-- (laughter) giving out free guns is consistent with christ's message. as mcalister reminded us, quote, jesus was pretty handy with the whip when he ran the money changers out of the temple. yes, yes, remember, jesus uses a whip in that gospel story. but folks-- people, people in kentucky don't use whips. no, people in kentucky, they

use guns. they love guns. as mcalister knows that if you want to reach them, you need to speak gun. or as mcalister puts it, hunting is huge in kentucky so we get in there and burp and scratch and talk about the right to bear arms. and that stuff. yes. you got the burp and scratch about god like the well-known evangelist larry the cable saint. (laughter) but you know what else? folks, do you know what else guys just love? you know what guys love other than steaks and guns? guys love strippers and unlimited shrimp. i say fill in the baptismal font with cocktail sauce, swap out that giant cross for a brass pole and switch out that collection basket for a collection g string. now this-- this might not-- (applause) the truth is this might not

be all kosher with the bible teachings. by the way, jews, you know what would really get guys into the synagogue, grilled pork chops. the bottom line, you got to bring men home to jesus by any means necessary. even if that means weapons. remember, jesus said all those who take up the sword shall perish by the sword. and if churches give out enough weapons, we can bring a lot of people home to jesus for good. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) this is the car i fell in love with! picking up my new malibu! no way! it's the chevy open house event look at joe's new truck where the price you see is the price you pay. nope that's me, alright! my equinox! from our house to your house it's time to take home an award winning chevy now during the chevy open house event , get this well equipped 2014 chevy cruze lt

for under nineteen grand. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. it still doesn't feel real. our time together was... so short. well, since you had progressive's total loss coverage, we were able to replace your totaled bike with a brand-new one. the tank...the exhaust... well, she looks just like roxie! you know, i'll bet she's in a better place now. flo: i know she is. i feel it in my heart. [ heavenly choir sings ] actually, the old roxie's over at the junkyard. flo: kkh-kkh! getting you back on a brand-new bike. now, that's progressive. [ jim ] mmmmm. so, hot. whoo! mmmmm. that is hot! [ male announcer ] made with real cheese and premium cuts of meat. [ ding! ] ♪ hot pockets!

welcome back, everybody, my guest tonighted host of cosmos, viewed in 45 languages, 171 countries but only one universe, please welcome neil degrasse tyson. neil, good to see you again, thanks for coming back. >> thank you, thank you. well, well, well. >> i love what you have done with the place. >> thank you very much. >> this is a live feed from the universe. >> this is from the cosmos right now. >> every sight line we have is live feed from the universe. >> stephen: don't blow my mind yet, okay. we have the whole show to do it here. you can't blow my mind in the first ten seconds, all right? >> all right. >> stephen: good to see you again. >> thank you, it's been

awhile. >> stephen: this is your tenth time on the show. (cheers and applause) no gust has been on as many times. i knew you before you were a global superstar, all right. i get my beak wet on this one, you know me a little something on this one. now for the few people don't know around the globe watching right now, director of the hayden planetarium, museum of natural history in new york. wrote ten book, received the nasa distinguished public service medal and host of cosmos, space time odyssey which premiered last night on fox. >> i like that. >> stephen: this is space time, space time right here. (applause) now we all watched show when we were kids with carl sagan, what is it like to step into his turtleneck? (laughter) you knew sagan. >> i have a little one here, a little homage. >> stephen: americans never got to see sagan's neck. we never knew what it looked like. what is it like stepping into his shoe, did you know

him? >> we met when i was in high school. i was a 17-year-old kid, born ined brntion where i'm from. and i-- bronx in the house. so i, my application to colleges were dripping with the universe because i had no one known i had wanted to do this since i was nine, hi an answer for all those results that ask the annoying question, what do you want to be when you grow up. by the time i was 11 i said astrophysicist and they would just walk away. they quickly ended that conversation. so unknown to me, the admissions office at cornell forwarded my application to carl sagan for him to react. and he then sent me a personal letter, there it was, carl-- he had already been on the tonight show, best selling books, already famousment and he invited me to cornell to help me decide whether i would choose cornell for my college. (applause) that's not even it. i went up, i went to cornell, he greeted me outside. and we went into his office,

he reached back, didn't even look, pulled out one of his books, signed it to mement i still have that book. and i just thought that was just cool. he didn't even have to look which book he was pulling out and he wrote the book, right. so, so then he took me back to the cornell, ithaca, new york, started snowing as it always does. >> stephen: all through summer. >> and sow was worried that the bus wouldn't get through and he wrote down his home phone number. he said if the bus doesn't come through, call me. spend the night with my family, leave tomorrow. and i said who am i to him. and so i realized, this is an extraordinary behavior for someone who is famous. and i said if i am ever remotely that stam famous i'm going to treat students the way he treated me so it affected me the rest of my life. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i just want to say forred record, are there any students out there who get caught in a snowstorm, you may not stay with me.

(laughter) let's take a look at cosmos. >> the cosmic calendar begins on january 1st, with the birth of our universe. did contains everything that's happened since then up to now, which on this calendar is midnight december 31st. on this scale, every month represents about a billion years. every day, represents nearly 40 million years. let's go back as far as we can to the very first moment in the universe. january 1st. the big bang. (cheers and applause) it's as far back as we can see in time. for now. >> stephen: now how much sunscreen did you have to put on before they exploded.

>> the flame proof suit. >> stephen: here's what bugs me, okay, you say in that little thing that all of human history is the last 14 seconds. >> all written human history. >> stephen: in the last 14 seconds of the calendar year, how do we know that anything happened before those 14 seconds if it wasn't written down? aren't you scientists just guessing all that stuff? like the wig bang, like all of the rest of that cosmic calendar year, isn't that kind of just a guesstimication? >> no. >> stephen: no? >> we need written history to see who lives and what they did as individuals and who was king and queen and -- >> how much grain there was. >> that is what their written stuff, we don't need the written stuff to tell us about the geology or astra fisist, it's just to get human activities on the map. otherwise, leave it out. i will tell you-- where the rivers flowed, where the

sediments were laid. where the-- we got that. (cheers and applause) i'm just saying. >> stephen: in last night's show, i'm-- you also took a couple of potshots at my catholic church. you made the slanderous accusation that the catholic church was responsible for the death of scientists an people without did not agree with the church where. did you get these accusations other than from history books? >> in fact, the people who put geedoneo bruno to death who was our hero of that story, was not the catholic church t was the roman authorities and we say that. >> oh really. >> yeah. so-- with. >> so the catholic church has been good for-- accept your apology. >> technically their hands are clean of his death because they didn't burn him at the stake, the roman authorities burned him at

the stake, technicallyment but they were executing the-- i mean that was the punishment. >> stephen: they were just obeying orders. >> so, so the point is we made it clear, it was the inquisition that was responsible here. so that's a piece of what was then the catholic church and it is a piece that is no longer. >> stephen: okay. so you're not afraid of being burned at the stake for this show. >> no. >> stephen: so if you have the courage stick around because i've got some kind ling to put at your feet when we come back. we'll be right back with we'll be right back with more neil degrasse tyson. jolly rancher and twizzlers bites are so soft, chewy, and filled with their fruity selves... they think this world isn't big enough for the both of them. but we assure you - it is. bites. little greatness. ♪ [ male announcer ] a car that is able to see,

to calculate, to think -- and can respond to what it encounters. ♪ even if that means completely stopping itself. it's the stuff of science fiction... minus the fiction. the 2014 e-class. see your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services. see your authorized dealer for exceptional offers why get delivery, when you can have digiorno? delivery or digiorno. delivery or digiorno. digiorno. now with a flavorful new sauce, made with vine ripened tomatoes and more herbs & spices... digiorno's rising crust pizza comes fresh from your oven and is now better than ever! thankfully it's not delivery, it's digiorno. nestle. good food, good life. a short word that's a tall order. up your game. up the ante. and if you stumble, you get back up.

up isn't easy, and we ought to know. we're in the business of up. everyday delta flies a quarter of million people while investing billions improving everything from booking to baggage claim. we're raising the bar on flying and tomorrow we will up it yet again. unwrap your paradise. soft, sweet coconut covered in rich, creamy chocolate. almond joy and mounds. unwrap paradise. are you flo? yes. is this the thing you gave my husband? well, yeah, yes. the "name your price" tool. you tell us the price you want to pay, and we give you a range of options to choose from. careful, though -- that kind of power can go to your head. that explains a lot. yo, buddy! i got this. gimme one, gimme one, gimme one!

the power of the "name your price" tool. only from progressive. >> stephen: we're back with neil degrasse toyson talking about the new television show cosmos. all right, why did you, neil, the show was great, i really enjoyed it. and so do pie kids, but why did you want to make this show? we already had one, you know, 34 years ago. why do it again? has science really changed all that much? >> no, the times had come. it was-- so not only has science vince then we discovered a thousand exo planets, the his boson, we have discovered the-- we have strong ideas that a multibirth exists. i mean the list goes on and on. >> stephen: multibirth. >> a multibirth. well, it may not be just one universe. there may be many universes. but there wasn't -- >> doesn't science depend on

experimentation. how are you going to -- >> bring in the other neil degrasse tyson -- >> it is a theoretical theory at this point but an intriguing one with compelling argues for why it would be so. >> you get people excited about time. >> we also discovered dark energy. this has been a serious pressure in the vacuum of space pushing against the wishes of the collective gravity of all the galaxies making expanding universe accelerate. all in the last 34 years. >> here is what i don't like. i saw you on the cnn talking about how important science is. >> yeah. >> and that science says that we shouldn't have both sides of every debate. you know. like we can't have people who say the berth is round and bring on flat earthers too. don't you want it to be fair and balanced. >> that would be a waste of everyone's time. >> why. >> once science has been established, once a scientific truth emerges from a consensus of experiments and observations, it is the way of the world. >> so say you. but what about those, but is

the science in on science? >> what i'm saying is when different experiments give you the same results, it is no longer subject to your opinion. that's the good thing about it. it's true, whether or not you believe in it, that's why it works (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so if my side of the argue, let's just say for the sake of the argument that the blei believed the world was flat and you believe the world is round. don't i deserve more time for my argument because mine is a much harder case to make? >> you get to say the world is flat because we live in a country that guarantees your free speech. but it's not a country that guarantees that anything you say is correct. kmeers plaus. >> i'm just saying. >> stephen: that is such a libra thing to say. (laughter) you are a lib ra, aren't you. >> i am libra.

>> stephen: okay. what do you think would have surprised carl sagan most about what has changed in our knowledge of the universe since his death in this. >> 1996. i think what would surprise him the most is that we still have to argue that science is something important in society. that is what would surprise him the most. (applause) for starters. scientifically, i think he would find the idea of the multiverse pretty cool. >> stephen: the idea of the milverse is cool but so is the idea. force. neil, i can't wait for the next episode. >> every week. >> stephen: thank you for joining me. neil degrasse tyson. the cosmos. we'll be right back. in 15 seconds, ibm watson can analyze 200 million pages of clinical data.

to help researchers discover new effective treatments. watson is helping researchers make breakthroughs. let's build a smarter planet. ibm watson can analyze terabytes of data. to help operators quickly find answers to a caller's question. soon, watson will help transform customer service. let's build a smarter planet. with olive garden's new cucina mia for just $9.99. italian dinner first, choose unlimited soup or salad. then create your own pasta with one of five homemade sauces. and finish with dessert. three courses, $9.99. at olive garden. that little guy cleans, brightens and fights stains. so now i can focus on more pressing matters. wow! isn't it beautiful? your sweet peppers aren't next to your hot peppers. [ gasps ] [ sarah ] that's my tide. what's yours? [ male announcer ] the exceedingly nimble,

ridiculously agile, tight turning, fun to drive 2014 smart. ♪ tight turning, fun to drive 2014 smart. how do you do it? you go godzilla! seriously! uhh there he goes! woo! ya! [ roars ] [ all ] awww! what? godzilla's actually pretty cool. except when he's hungry. ♪ [ roars ] [ people screaming ] quick, throw him a snickers®! ♪ mmm! ♪ woo, yeah! [ male announcer ] you're not you when you're hungry®, snickers® satisfies. see the new godzilla in theatres may 16th. phone: your account is already paid in full. oh, well in that case, back to vacation mode. ♪boots and pants and boots and pants♪ ♪and boots and pants and boots and pants♪ ♪and boots and pants... voice-enabled bill pay. just a tap away on the geico app. ♪ huh, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. yup, everybody knows that.

well, did you know that some owls aren't that wise. don't forget about i'm having brunch with meagan tomorrow. who? seriously, you met her like three times. who? geico. why get delivery, when you can have digiorno? delivery or digiorno. now with a flavorful new sauce, digiorno's rising crust pizza is better than ever! thankfully it's not delivery, it's digiorno.

>> that's it for the report, everybody, good captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

mac: just one more race. dennis: every time we race, you lose. charlie: you always lose. mac: one more race and then we'll go to the strip club. damn it! what is wrong with you? super slow drinker over here. do you have a little throat or something? dennis, hey, we got to get out of here now. - why? - i just got off the phone with dad-- he wants to stop by and talk to us. - what does dad want? - i don't know, and i don't care. let's just go before we have to deal with this. before you guys get around your father. let's just take care of one little-- don't- don't be grabby. dennis, i need to borrow $20. what, dude? give me some money, man! will you just get in the car? no! no! it sucks for me because you guys get all the girls and the attentio-- my dad's gonna be here in a second. will you just get in the car?! no, i'm going home. i'm going home. - can we go? - yeah, we can go. we can go.