>> stephen: tonight, an inovation in beauty products. you won't believe what they're squirting in rabbits' eyes now. then, are copyright lawsuits getting out of hand? unfortunately, the answer to that question has been trademarked. ( laughter ) and my guest theaster gates believes we can transform poor neighborhoods with art. that's easy-- just paint a better neighborhood over it. ( laughter ) staples is closing 225 stores. great-- now where will i not find the ink cartridges i need? this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! thank you so much. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. i've got to say, i was-- i was a little-- thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. i was a little bit worried there for a moment because the two stephens weren't in sync with each other, but then we achieved what astronomer ares call a harmonic conversion. nation, if you watch this show-- and i hope you do-- you know i treat every day of the year like it's the 4th of july. but there may be no 4th more

july than today, the 6th of march. because today, ladies and gentlemen, america goot a little bit freerer. >> a surprising ruling wednesday from the high court in massachusetts. the practice of so-called upskirting-- that is, taking photos up a woman's skirt without her knowledge-- is actually legal in that state. >> stephen: upskirting is legal! let freedom ring. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) oh, my. someone waxes their clapper. all right. ( laughter ) now, nation, for the record, i want to be very clear about this. i do not approve of unauthorized groin photography. it is wrong. but are the me remind you, you cannot spell "freak" woit first

spelling "free." and we owe our newfound right to assemble under strangers' legs to peeping patriot, michael robertson. now, he may not look like a civil rights hero, looks more like a guy strokin' it behind the frog pond in boston common, but that would be prejudice. because this man struck a blow for liberty. he exposed a legal loophole in his state's oppressive peeping tom law, and like a lot of loopholes, it was exposed on the subway. >> back in 2010, this guy, michael robertson of andover was aciezed of upskirting twice on the green line. his defense? the law say it's only a crime if the woman is naked. that's what his attorney argued last year. >> section 105 doesn't prohibit that kind of conduct. >> that is courageous of his lawyer to stand up for freedom. really courageous for her to stand up anywhere near michael

robertson. this decision means that upskirting americans no longer have to sit at the back of the bus. now they can lay down on the floor like they like. because the massachusetts supreme court found the that robertson was not a peeping tom. "a female passenger on an m.b.t.a. trolley who is wearing a skirt, dress, or the like is not a person who is partially nude, no matter what is or is not underneath the skirtk, by way of underwear or other clothing." yes, underwear or no underwear, as long as you wear a skirt, technically you're not nude. that's why "basic instinct" is rated "g." ( laughter ) and for any ladies who might be upset out there, remember, massachusetts has given you the right to upskirt, too. so if you're next to a sexy young highlander, just grab your phone and snap a pic of his bagpipe. and it's all thanks to this hero. i would not be surprised if one day someone built a statue to

honor michael robertson, one assumes right under the statue of liberty. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and folks, folks, that landmark ruling could not have come at a more appropriate time because women's history -- i'm sorry. i ment womyn's herstory monthstration. for the record, i won't be mentioning any african american women. you already had your history month. don't get greedy. but i do want to talk tonight about something that's close to all women's hearts-- women's bodies. there's a lot of pressure on women to be thin these days, and all days. now, some women say, "screw it. i'm big. i'm beautiful. deal with it." like kerry washington, who showed up at the oscars with a huge beer gut. brave young lady but sadly, many fall victim to societal pressure. in the u.s. alone, 20 million women suffer from an eating disorder at some time in their lives.

and it's starting earlier and earlier. did you know some women only weigh 8 pounds? stop reading "cosmo." and it's not just how much ladies lose. it's where they lose it from. >> the dangerous thigh gap trend. have you heard of this? this is an obsession among some young women to get so skinny that their thighs don't touch when their feet are together. >> runway models have it. >> women dangerously obsessed with getting a thigh gap. >> stephen: yes, young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. i blame the impossible body standard set by spongebob. ( laughter ) then again, then again it does make things easier for this guy. and it is no surprise that 40% of women feel they are constantly dieting. the other 60% are starting their diets tomorrow.

i swear. folks, to me, it's obvious what is going on here-- society has intrinsically linked a woman's value to her outward appearance thereby undermining her status and strengthening the patriarchal hedgemoney. what? what's that? oh, wow! i just got a masters in women's studies from wellesley. ( cheers and applause ). and i deserve this, folks. i deserve this because i have learned a ton about the ladies from watching their commercials. for instance, i know which shampoos make their hair move in slow motion. i know the cheese that makes them laugh. and i know the tampons that help them ride bikes. that's just for ladies. i tried using one in spin class and ended up in the emergency room. ( laughter ) ( applause ) as a feminist-- i understand chicago has a nakedded bike ride

every summer. ( cheers and applause ). might come in handy. folks, as a feminist, i say women need to give themselvesaise break. that's why i'm so excited about a new product that lets women enjoy all the food they want, just not with their mouths. >> experience the unique cooling sensation of frozen yogurt. new dial frozen yogurt body wash. wrap your skin in cooling moisture for skin so refreshingly soft, people will notice. >> stephen: yes, he noticed that she showered with frozen yogurt and he's asking tcb why did you do that? ( laughter ) now, folks, periods frozeep yogurt, dial is also releasing a greek yogurt body wash. i just hope they don't make one out of that jamie lee curtis poop yoigurt because it could make for a messy shower.

but yogurt's not the only thing on the menu. the beauty industrial complex is serving an all-you-can't-eat buffet. >> today's menu-- juicy pomegranate, persimmon, and lychee surprise. positively delicious. >> avocado,olive, and almond. >> these, these, and these go in here so you can look like this. >> if you think you like hot cinnamon buns or hot cocoa or cobbler or pink frosted layer cake to eat, you haven't lived until you shower with these items. ( laughter ) >> stephen: ladies, are you getting this? your life is incomplete if you're not bathing in cake. and these products don't just make you look good enough to eat. they make you edible. and isn't making women into a consumable product what the beauty industry is all about? because once you smell like you had a three-way with the keebler elf and cookie puss, men will

eat you up. >> my agree! ( cheers and applause ) i only have one criticism. why are women being portrayed as nothing more than sweet little things? why can't they be savory entrees? i dream of a day when young women loofa with a porterhouse steak, use a mashed potato conditioner and a manwitch self-tanner. ( laughter ) this is women's history month, goddamn it. and i say it's time to see women as more than just pieces of meat because now we can get them to marinate themselves. we'll be right back. ( cheers ) [ beep ] oh, hey jim, this is my sister, lisa.

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>> stephen: welcome back, nation. i just love birthdays, especially my own. i can remember them all-- from last year when my wife treated me to breakfast in bed, all the way back to that very special day in the hospital when i arrived kicking, screaming, and covered in goo. ah, to be 30 again. well, this week, we celebrate a very special birthday because the song "happy birthday" turns 90 years old. and i am going to wish happy

birthday a festive annual age increase the way you would any 90-year-old by singing a song that reminds them what their name is. haaapppyyy. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) sorry about that, folks. it turns out you cannot sing happying about the to happying about the even on happy birthday's happy birthday because because warner music contentiously owns the copyright to the song and has been earning millions from people celebrating their birthdays for a quarter of a century. and warner is so protective of

his song, that even to sing happy birthday in a restaurant, at a concert, or a public place, you must pay royalties. don't believe these people are serious about protecting their intellectual property? marilyn monroe sang it to president kennedy and one year later they were bot both dead. folks-- i know, i know. folks, this is a shameless cash grab, and in warner music insists that happy birthday belongs to them, then i tonight offer america a birthday song that belongs to us. just as our founders intended, this song, like america sroyalty free. so, please rise, for the singing of our new national birthday anthem. ♪ happy birthday to you happy birthday to me ♪ now we all get to sing. happy birthday for free

♪ and the candle's red glare don't set fire to your hair ♪ you're getting so old. and sure shaped like a pear. ♪ happy birthday-- insert name here. ♪ if you don't know it, just mumble softly. ♪ warner music can't sue me and the home of the brave ♪ make a wish! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) unwrap your paradise.

soft, sweet coconut covered in rich, creamy chocolate. almond joy and mounds. unwrap paradise. and discover an exciting combination of tastes. rich, dark chocolate covering soft centers with the flavors of exotic fruit juices. it's chocolate like you've never experienced it before. discover brookside.

why get delivery, when you can have digiorno? delivery or digiorno. now with a flavorful new sauce, digiorno's rising crust pizza is better than ever! thankfully it's not delivery, it's digiorno. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an activist working to transform poor neighborhoods with art. well, that explains all the chalk outlines in chicago. please welcome theaster gates. whooo! good to see you! thank you so much for coming on. brother gates, how are you? >> super good, man, things are well. >> stephen: i just met you backstage a little while ago and i almost have a contact high off of all the positive energy that comes off the of you. you are an artist, correct? >> i am. >> stephen: how would you describe your art? >> i believe my art is interested in transforming ugly things into beautiful things. the perception of ugly spaces

into beautiful spaces. >> stephen: let me explain to the people a little bit how you do that. you live in chicago. you're an insulation and social practice artist and your work has been shown in chicago, all over the world at this point. you hold masters degrees in fine art, religious studies, and urban planning, mr. smarty plant, and the founder of the nonprofit rebuild foundation. let's show an example of-- just one of the things that you do in chicago. jimmy, show one of the photos that we of of mr. gates. that's the house on the left you found and bought. and this is what you did do it on the right. >> that's right. >> stephen: explain to me how you transformed this house. what do you think this house means now? >> well, at first the house is abandoned. >> stephen: yes. and what does that mean? >> that meant that-- well, when things are abandoned, other things start to happen in the

house, like people would go into the house. and do bad things in the house. >> stephen: you can use the word "gang violence" if you'd like. >like. some. >> it was under used and we converted the house into a small archive and invited our neighbors and friends to use the archive from time to time. it was a way of creating kind of an amenity in a neighborhood where there were seemingly few amenities. >> stephen: let's show the next house here, jimmy. this house, there it is on the left first, ands and that you did to it on the right. when you turn the house on the left-- when you turn it into a work of art, do you give it a name? >> yeah, i do. >> stephen: is that called something? >> it's called a listening how. >> stephen: why? >> because there is a collection of albums in there there a record store called dr. wax, and we play albums there. >> stephen: here's the thing that worries me about your work, okay.

is that you're turning things into art they use to not have to think about. ( laughter ). >> is there i've never gone up to a house or seen a house before and say i don't get this house the way i don't get some art. do i have to "get" your houses to enjoy your houses or do i have to be in them? >> i think it's super cool that people don't get the houses. and i think it's also really important that the houses not register as art, necessarily. what's important to me is that people know that an artist made an intervention in the city that's very different from another kind of person making an intervention. >> stephen: now, why did you want to do this? this is on the south side of chicago why do that on the south side of chicago? why not do some place where the property value is is already pretty darn high and you can flip a house and get a show on tgtv. >> right, right. >> thought about that. but my vocation isn't a developer. my vocation-- my-- my belief, my

calling is to be an artist. and i think that the-- to have a building like this on the north side, on the north shore, and to transform it would be business as usual. >> stephen: how do the people in the neighborhood take it, you know, if they see a house that, you know, has been there a long time and they come along and you create this art space out of it. how do they take it? do they like what happened in the neighborhood? >> well, for five years, that was my house, it looked like that. >> stephen: so you lived there. >> i was the poor guy on the block. and they were like so sorry, do you need some help. >> stephen: is this the first house you did, your own house? >> this is my house. >> stephen: did you do any houses around there. >> i'm building a house. >> stephen: are you building a compound. theafter, are you a cult leader. >> i think it's really important -- >> stephen: possibly, possibly? does anyone call you father? >> no. >> stephen: do you have child brides? >> no, no. >> stephen: tell me now because when the subpoena comes,

it will be worse. >> one of the things they really wanted to do was is it possible to think about a neighborhood that has not been fully thought about in a long time? it's under resourced, and can i take my skills as a creative person, and then show how with a little bit of resource and a little bit of imagination, a neighborhood could have the possibility of being like every other good neighborhood the city. >> stephen: you created art centers by doing this as well. >> absolute. >> stephen: do you have, like, ambition to revitalize the south side? do you take this to other cities? could you take this kind of thing to detroit where you transform what's already there into something more useful-- could you turn scrap metal into a robocop for detroit? >> right. that's been done. >> stephen: okay, yeah. ( laughter ). >> but i do think there's a way in which-- whether i do it or not, that there are people in detroit, in gary, indiana, in akron, ohio, who really-- who

are already on the ground doing the work. but they may not have the resource that they need. they may not have the strategies that they need to be successful. they may not have access to banks and the philanthropic community. and i think what i could do better is demonstrate this as a model in chicago and in st. louis and in omaha where i work, and then say this model has the capacity to be a greater scale if we would identify people in those neighborhoods around the country, who are already doing the work but they maybe need a little bit more support. >> stephen: can people buy your art? or to 53 your art do i have to have a house large enough to put another house in it? do you sell your art? can i get an original theaster gates, like throw a master bathroom in that? >> yeah, bathroom, living room, kitchen. >> stephen: can i do something in a pale pink? i already have the towels. >> i can do that. >> stephen: theaster, i look

forward to it. theaster gates, artist, entrepreneur. you have time to shop for car insurance today? yeah. i heard about progressive's "name your price" tool? i guess you can tell them how much you want to pay and it gives you a range of options to choose from. huh? i'm looking at it right now. oh, yeah? yeah. what's the... guest room situation? the "name your price" tool, making the world a little more progressive. but that grand slam looks so good. girl: mom, with 18 options to choose from, there's over 300 combos under 550 calories. man: kid's a genius.

girl: dad, it says it right here on the menu. man: oh. woman: hey, welcome to denny's. unwrap your paradise. soft, sweet coconut covered in rich, creamy chocolate. almond joy and mounds. unwrap paradise. [ jim ] mmmmm. so, hot. whoo! mmmmm. that is hot! [ male announcer ] made with real cheese and premium cuts of meat. [ ding! ] ♪ hot pockets!

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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

dennis: we need to get some to get some leverage here. charlie: well, okay. just pull it. yeah, i'm trying to pull it, dude. dee: well, pull harder, dennis. if i pull harder, it's going to dig into his leg. don't yell at me, i just need to jam the shears farther down there-- well, then jam them in there! jam them in! pull harder, and i will! dude, you should get a doctor to do this. oh, look at me! the millionaire who goes to see doctors. okeydokey. ( charlie screams ) that was too hard. you want the cast off? just soak it in hot water, and it gets soft, and it peels right off, piece by piece. what do you know about anything? what are you even doing here? why are you still here? just want to be part of the gang. well, you're not part of our gang. you're not part of the gang either, dee, so forget that. - yes, i am. - no, you're not. the gang is me, mac and charlie. that's the gang. dennis, let your sister be part of the gang. she can't be part of the gang, dad! okay? is she part of the gang? - what gang? - i have no idea what you're talking about.