whatever -- whatever it was for though he was claiming that they captiining sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause )

( cheers ) >> stephen: stop it. no, no, please. sttp it! i'm sorry, folks. i'm sorry, welcome to the-- sorry, just feeling a little-- a little rough. i overindulged last night. i just need some advil and a little hair of the dog that bit ( cheers and applause )

literally, i got into a fight with a dog last night. ( laughter ) i ate some of his hair. it was a chocolate lab, and i was curious. then we made friends. that-- that dog could party. hold on. ( cheers and applause ). okay, okay, all right, hold on. ( cheers and applause ) all right. all right. daddy's coming back. all right. now, folks you watch this show. you know i am no lightweight, but jimmy carter was on the show last night. and he was traveling with these four guys. they-- they-- they belong to some party fram, um-- secret service. ( laughter ) and, man, those guys can drink. >> three secret service agents have been sent home from the netherlands for partying too

hard. >> one of the agents had so much to drink during a day of partying in amsterdam that he coulln't make his hotel room key work, so he just passed out on the floor in the hallway. ( laughter ) >> stephen: folks, i'm not surprised he was drinking. i mean, it is their sworn duty to take the bullet. ( laughter ) folks, why do you think they're always running alongside the president's limo? they're too drunk to drive. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) still, still, still, the secret service should not have gotten drunk on the job. for pete's sake. they were in amsterdam. they should have gotten stoned. ( cheers and aaplause ). i mean, it's-- yes, it might make them paranoid, but that's part of the job. ( laughter ) now, folks, if you watch the news, you know we're reaching the end of march madness. it comes in like a lion, and goes out like a lion losing 10

grand betting on wichita state. this is the sport report. ( cheers and applause ) woooo! wooo! folks, we are in a dark chapter of american history. sweden is beating us educationally. china is beating us economically. and albania is beating us alphabetically. ( laughter ) i'll sayyit again-- we must change our name to one-understore-aaaamerica. and now eye can't elieve i'm saying this-- we're being beaten recruiting young athletes. we're the ones who drafted lebron at 18 when he only looked 38, but these days, 18 is ancient, especially in soccer, or as the europeans call it,

foot soccer, because the watch fell eating mayo dippers in belgium have signed a 20-mooth-old toddler to a professional soccer contract. this boy, whose name is bryce brites, was signed by a belgian team whose spokesman said his ball control is incredible for someone his age. yes, his ball control is incredible unless is it rolls behind the couch because he's not old enough to have object permanence yet. but bryce has got the fundamentals. jimmy, let's go to the tape. >> and here comes bryce, carrying it half a meter, dribbling with both feet, straight to the wall, and he's right back on the pitch, leaving the coach in the dust. and he spotted sooething shiny. >> stephen: just imagine the headers he'll be aale to do once his fontanel close of closes. clearly, america needs to up our recruiting game. i say if we want any shots at winning the 2032 world cup, we

need scouts covering lamaze classes and signing the biggest kickers. and that goes for all sports. we shhuld start scouting sperm, bawlings the fastest swimmer could be the next michael phelpss. next up, folks. ( applause ) nation, it's no secret, i love playing with my dimpled white balls. and golf's most exciting annual event is the professional golferr association merchandise show. it's like the republican convention, except-- well, i actually can't think of a difference. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but this year's keynote speakers relayed some sobering facts about the game i never played sober. jim. >> for the past decade, 10-- more than 10 years-- our great game has been in a state of decline because our game lacks innooation. >> we've lost five million golfers over the last 10 years,

five million. the researchhtells us the answer is very simple-- they're just not having fun. ( laughter ). >> stephen: yes, after 500 years of walking voal through fields, hitting balls in the wrong direction, then searching for them in algae-filled ponds, sometimes golf isn't fun.t fortunately, there's a way to get millennials back on the links, thanks to a new webz called hackgolf, an open innovation initiative aimed at crowdsourcing the future of the game. hashtagyes.com. we need to open, innovate, and crowdsource a golf 2.00that appeals to the tweens, specifically tween 55 and retirement. and the hackgolf message board is already abuzz with outside-the-box the ideas the crowdsourcers have hacked up, including surround each hole with nets similar to thee3 barriers used in bowling. only count the good shots. and free beer.

( cheers and applause ). well, folks, iigotta say, i-- i took a moment to try a fair amount of that last discussion, and while doing so, i came up with my own paradigm-smashing golf hack. himself, we divide golfer golfeo two teams and instead of them all heading for the same green they start on opposite sides and aim for each other's greens. for safety, obviously, you gotta lose the clubs, and put the hole 10 feet in the air and make the balls big and orange. now, that is a golf game that young people might play. next up, folks,,football. the p.c. police continue to hammer the washington redskins over their so-called offensive name, though, if you've seen them play recently their name is the least offensive thing on the field. thankfully, redskins owner daniel snyder has found a wwy to

smoke'um the peace pipe. >> the washington redskins are trying to improve their image with the native american community. ooner daniel snyder is now american indian tribes. >> snyder support a letter to redskins fans laying out a plan to start the washington redskins original mericans foundation. >> stephen: that's right, the washington redskins' original americans foundation, because redskins is not oofensive if you only use it once in your name. ( laughter ) and, folks, the healing has already begun. the charitt has distributed over 3,000 cold weather coats to several tribes, and you can see how happy they are in their new gear. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the foundation also assisted in the purchase of a new backhoe for the omaha tribe. that's right, assisted-- because you can't expect a team worth did the 1.7 billion to pay for the entire backhoe. those things cost thousands on upon. to cover that price they'd have

to sell a beer aad a soft pretzel. this move by daniel snyder inspires me because my show has frequently come under attack for having a so-called offensive mascot. my beloved character ching-chong ding-dong. oh, i love tea. it's so good for you. girl. you come here. i neee no sugar when you around. come on my rickshaw, i give you a ride to bangkok. ( cheers and applause ). now, folks the small minded out there can called ching-chong dianne offensive caricature an offensivoffense of a american. if you ever heard someone call him a stereotype he would choke on his opium pipe. of course, there is no pleasing the attack dogs over asian media watch who demanded that i remove

ching-chong from the show's letterhead and stop having him accept awards on my behalf. the point is, the point is, offensive or not-- not-- ching-chong is part of the of of the unique heritage of the colbert nation that cannot change. but i am willing to show the asian community they care by sprucing the "ching-chong ding-dong foundation for sensitivity to orientals or whatever" ( cheers and applause ) it is a wonderful charity. thank you. ( applause ) i will applaud my sensitivity as weel. it's a wonderful charity that's already provided 3,000 of those triangle hats to asian americans in need. i assume there's a need ecause i never see them wearing those things anymore. and i owe all this sensitivity to redskins owner daniel snyder. so, asians, send your thank you letters to him, not me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll be right back. ♪

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thaaks so much. folks, want midterm elections are around the corner and if the pollsters are right these will be the greatest midterms ever. >> we are getting reported tonight as what is being described as a democratic party frooek up on the after a big

prediction from poll watcher nate silver, the political analyst who nailed 2012 presidential results well in advance, and now he is predicting that republicans will likely win control of the senate. >> silver predict that republicans have a 60%-- that's a pretty good chance-- of taking control of the u.s. senate this year. >> stephen: 60%. that is almost half. ( cheers ) and why does silver thinn the republicans will take the senate? because as compared with 2010, or 2012, the g.o.p. has done a better job of recruiting credible candidates. really? more credible than 2012? the republicans had serious people like sharon angle and richard mourdock and a stick of butter with googly eyes. nevertteless -- good guys, good man. nevertheless, this year, the g.o.p. has stepped up its game with even incredibler candidates like iowa's joni ernst who is running on a platform everyone can get behind. i grew up castrating hogs on an

island. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: sood! joni, joni you had me aticaistration. folks, it does not matter what else she stands for. i am pulling for her whole hog, or whatever is left of the hog when she's done with it. folks, i think everyone should knowwabout joni's history of hog castration, not just the people she's legally required to tell when she moves into a new neighborhood. ( laughter ) america needs more senators who are farm tough. -pi mean, while the other little girls were reading "charlotte's web,""joni was out back with tinsnips making a soprano out of wilbur. and when it came time, folks, when it came time to play with barbies, joni took one look down ken's pants and said, "my work here is done."

( cheers and applause ) and-- ( cheers and ernst already got mitt romney's endorsement, and she can have mine, too, if she comes nowhere near me. ( laughter ) i believe that america demands senators with balls, and i'm guessing joni's got a dumpster full of them. ( applause ) so senate candidates, if you want to win, you make more ads like joni's that prove you have what it takes to change washington like this. hi, i'm stephen colbert. and i grew up killing ducks in the park with a jackhammer. when i was 10 years old, i beat a raccoon to death with a cinder block and my heart rate never went above 80 beats per minute. this year is my shed. you don't want to know what i got in there. but you send me to washington, i'll put more things in my shed. in fact, i'm going to need a bigger shed.

>> stephen colbert in 2014. >> stephen: we'll be right back. ( cheers ann applause ). unwrap your paradise. soft, sweet coconut covered in rich, creamy chocolate. almond joy and mounds. unwrap paradise. what is focus? it's a wondrous sensation of clarity and alertness... it's owning your opponent... it's knowing beyond a doubt "you got this"... it's keeping your head down, your eye on the ball, and knocking it out of the park... it's getting in the zone... it's keeping on your toes... on target... on top... focus is staring the world in the face and saying "bring it"... focus is power... focus is life... and 5-hour energy is focus.

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known" >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an academy award-winning documentarian with a new film on donald rumsfeld. he'll beat me as a moderator. please welcome errol morris.

errol, good to see you again. thanks for coming back. all right, how are you? >> i think i'm okay. >> stephen: you're not sure? you just think so? >> never really completely sure. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) maabe you shoold do a documentary about yourself or are you afraid to turn that pointed lens on errol morris? >> it's a frightening thing. >> stephen: because you look at all aspects of american society, and you judge it through your lens. you have done the thin blue line. if "the fog of war" "standing operating procedure," and your new film is called "the unknown known" about former defense -psecretary donald rumsfeld. what the hell does that mean "the unknown known." what is that? ( laughher ). >> can i be completely honest with you? >> stephen:-- i-- hope you will. >> i don't know. >> stephen: what the ( bleep ) are you talking about?

( laughter ) ( applause ) you're one of these liberals, right, one of these hollywood glitzy party, hanging out with brad pitt liberals who tried to lay traps for donaad rumsfeld, that good map, who led this country during the iraq war. >> that's me! >> stephen: that's you. why-- why did you gun for don rumsfeld with this? and did you get him? >> i had this salt and pepper shaker idea-- collect them all. i had done the previous secretary of defense. >> stephen: bob mcnamara. okay "fog of war, "great movie. >> and i thought two really disastrous wars-- vietnam, iraq, why not do the other guy. >> stephen: we won iraq, though, we won iraq. ( laughter ) we didn't lose! ( laughter ) we didn't lose, my friend. we department lose. u.s.a. u.s.a.!

u.s.a.! thank you. do you support our troops? >> i do, indeed. >> stephen: you do support our troops. well, i accept your apology. okaa, so, you wanted to know how rumsfeld won that war? >> indeed. >> stephen: how did he? >> by not really thinking too carefully about it. >> stephen: you also go after him about the so-called torture memos. we have a little clip here. jim show-- show this man's-- uh-- word twisting in action. ♪ ♪. >> well, there were whaa, one or two or three. i don't know the number, but there were not all of these so-called memos. they were mischaracterized as torture memos and they came not out of the bush administration per se. they came out of the u.s. department of justice. blessed by the attorney general, the senior legal official of the united states of america, having been nominated by a president and confirmed by the united states senate overwhelmingly. ♪ ♪ little different cast i just put

on it than the one you did. ( laughter ) i'll caulk that one up. >> was the reaction unfair? >> i've never read them. >> really? >> i'm not a lawyer. what would i know? ( applause ). >> stephen: what ould he know? why as secretary of defense would he care what people were doing toodetainees? ( laughter ) did-- you were gunning for him, though, right? that's clearly-- that's biased. that's bias. >> probably do. ((laughter ) >> stephen: well, you were playing a horror movie music. you got, like, bella lagossy in the background going...

♪ ♪ hees the monster in your movie, right? >> it is a horror movie. i have to confess. >> stephen: what's most horrible? what did you learn about donald rumsfeld that made you horrified? >> that there seemed to be nobody home. >> stephen: what do you-- what do you mean? here's a charming man. >> he's an incredibly charming man. he gave me a lot of hhs timee he was incredibly cooperative. he gave me all these memos that he had written over tte years. >> stephen: how many hours did you talk to him? >> 30-plus hours of interviews. >> stephen: wow. so did you find out why we went to war in iraq? >> not so much. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i heard you said you actually know less about the reasons we went into iraq after talking to him than whee you started talking to him. >> yes. >> stephen: is there any chance that some day we won't know anything about why we went in? ( laughter ) ( applause ) and then eventually we'll just forget that we went in at all.

( applause ) ( cheers ) errol, thank you so much for joining me. errol morris, "the unknown known," in theaters, on itunes, on demand, april 4. go see it.% thank you. thank you. ( cheers and applause ).

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dennis: i think most people would agree. sweet dee: well, i don't agree. dennis: will you look at your skin? sweet dee: i am looking. what's the matter with it? - it's all blotchy. - how is it blotchy? dad, will you look at sweet dee's skin and tell me that it's not all blotchy. do i have to listen to this (bleep) all morning? come on. frank, you've got to be kidding me with these receipts. we were actually doing better before you took over. hey, what's up, guys. i didn't hear you guys come in. i was actually in here early opening up this morning. charlie, we had an agreement. this is a place of business, not your home. yeah, i know that. not supposed to sleep in the bar anymore, bro. i wasn't. you didn't come home last night. oh, okay, okay, guess what? i found some extensive water damage in the back office. what? yeah, so maybe i'm not such a bad guy for passing out in there and drinking too much, whatever.