♪ >> jon: that's our show. your moment of zen. >> how dangerous earthquakes can be. part of that is this earthquake simulator which attempts to replicate a -- captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hello, everybody! thank you so much for joining us! (audience chanting stephen)

thank you, ladies and gentlemen! welcome to the report! thank you for joining us tonight! (cheers and applause) thank you for joining us in here, out there, all around the world! i want to welcome everyone joining us, all the people here. i don't know all your names other than lauren matherson -- (cheers and applause) i'll try. folks, tonight we're all happy and i wish i could come to you with good news, but the worst imaginable thing that happened -- millions of americans are going to get healthcare... (laughter) jim? >> the white house announced 7,041,000 people signed up for coverage under the affordable care act. they've reached their anticipated goal of 7 million. >> the obama administration is

claiming victory in its long, painful struggle to sign up consumers for health care. >> 7.1 million americans have now signed up for private insurance plans through these marketplaces. 7.1. >> stephen: 7.1 million americans have signed up for obama care. now when i go to my doctor's office, there will be 7.1 million people in the waiting room ahead of me. (laughter) and i'm sorry, folks -- and the highlights maze stops being challenging after you've done it the first ten times! folks, they were never supposed to make it to 7 million. >> 2 million people to sign up and ten days to go. >> the likelihood of them getting to that place is highly unlikely. >> we call it "mission impossible." >> they'll probably be a little under 4.5 million. >> there's no way they're going to get anywhere close. it just ain't going to happen. >> stephen: i just don't see how could karl rove and his life partner boardy be wrong? (laughter)

after all, they're the mathematical wizards that called ohio for romney! it was only logical. if no one "had" signed up, no one "would" sign up. because everyone knows past performance always indicates future results. that's why i always play yesterday's winning lotto numbers. (laughter) and may i point out, i've never lost -- yesterday's lotto. but now this last minute sign upsurge has completely rained on our parade. seriously, we had to cancel the parade. and i had to scrap my plans for "stephen colbert's rockin' erollment failure eve," where me, ryan seacrest and t.i. were going to count down on a giant clock until they dropped an uninsured person in times square. (laughter) then we don't take him to the hospital 'cause he doesn't have insurance.

apparently, this last-minute health-scramble was all thanks to young adults signing up at higher rates. no one could have foreseen that college kids would put something off until the last minute! (laughter) but folks, maybe there's a silver lining here. yes, the administration hit their goal of 7 million. but is there any way to say they didn't? >> there's still a lot of key questions unanswered about health care, including who signed up for it. younger healthy people who will pay for older sicker people? and did everyone who enrolled pay for coverage? >> how many didn't have insurance before? >> how many are young? >> how many of them have paid? >> stephen: yeah, how many are young? how many have paid? what if their check doesn't clear? what are numbers but artificial constructs? and did you know these are arabic numerals?! i mean, the "3" is just two islamic crescent moons stacked on top of each other! the terrorists have won!

(laughter) (cheers and applause) spooky stuff! and speaking of terrorists -- barack obama! this man stood in the people's rose garden today and made outrageous accusations about republicans. >> the affordable care act is here to stay. and those who have based their entire political agenda on repealing it, they have to explain to the country, why jeanie should go back to being uninsured? i got to admit, i don't get it. why are folks working so hard for people not to have health insurance? >> stephen: what? what? that's dirty politics! if voters believe the g.o.p. wants to take away people's health insurance, then republicans won't be able to take over the senate in november. and then how will they take away people's health insurance?

so, to win the mid-terms is going to require some straight talk. we conservatives must look the american people in the eye and say... april fool's! (laughter) gotcha! gotcha! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: come on! fighting obama care was a four-year prank! i can't believe you bought it. why would we be the only western industrialized nation without access to affordable healthcare? (slide whistle) (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: this is priceless! oh, you should see your face!... seriously, you got a growth there. i'd have a doctor check that out. nation, march madness has nearly come to a close, which means we'll soon learn which final four team has won the champions' right to set fire to every car on campus. (laughter) but enjoy the action while you

can, because soon, college sports as we know it will be over. >> it's just a first step, but there was a remarkable ruling today that could revolutionize college sports. a regional director of the national labor relations board ruled that football players who receive full scholarships qualify as employees and may legally unionize. >> stephen: unionize?! players aren't supposed to want money. they're supposed to be in it for the love of selling sponsorship to tostitos. (laughter) and they made this decision for the worst possible reason. >> the national labor relations board in chicago had its regional director base the decision on the control the coaches have over the lives of scholarship athletes to find that players spend 50 to 60 hours per week engaging in football-related activities. this is exactly the kind of control an employer has over an employee. >> stephen: oh, ridiculous! northwestern players aren't

employees of the university -- they don't get "paid." technically, they're "slaves" of the university. (laughter) the five's eric bolling knows the nightmare we'll be stuck with after unions take hold. >> can you imagine, just take this one step further. a football team in the middle of summer doing doubles when it's hot? a player goes, you know what? this is against my labor board relations. here it is. right here. i have this document that says i can't run in 100-degree heat. >> stephen: yeah, unions will turn our players into wimps. you gotta be tough! you don't hear the mascot complaining about the heat, mostly because he passed out hours ago inside his puma suit. (laughter) (applause) but the n.c.-double-alligators behind this campaign like former northwestern quarterback kain colter refuse to back down. >> student athletes don't have a voice. they don't have a seat at the table. the current model resembles a dictatorship. >> stephen: dictatorship? that's outrageous.

how is gathering in a stadium to chant in unison as uniformed men move in formation like a dictatorship? (applause) (laughter) and you won't believe what these cleat-booted thugs are demanding. >> colter says athletes are missing out on fully-funded athletic scholarships, due process for alleged ncaa violations, and guaranteed coverage for medical expenses for current and former players. >> you know, these are our lives and we want to make sure that we're protected. >> stephen: you are protected... that's what the cup is for. (laughter) and medical coverage is a burden these schools can't afford. yes, college athletes help generate more than $16 billion in television contracts. but have you been to a college cafeteria? there's unlimited serial!

you can kiss that goodbye now. now i hear that northwestern graduates some quality people with excellent educations. but that's the problem. how can you expect to keep athletes in line when you're offering classes like econ 3 39 - labor economics? time to replace that with something more appropriate to football, like bio-104, intro to skull trauma. (laughter) (applause) what are these player union people thinking? when we return, we'll find out from the head of the college athletes players association, ramogi huma. we'll be right back.

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! folks, if you're just joining our program already in progress, before the halftime break, i was taking it hot and hard to the national labor relations board for allowing northwestern university football players to form a union. if one of those thugs were here, i would give him a piece of my mind. here to receive my mind's police, please welcome former linebacker for ucla and head of the college athletes players association, ramogi huma! (cheers and applause) thank you so much for being here! >> you ready for my blitz?

you ready! you ready! you in my house! you in my house! first of all, i do that to all my guests. we usually just edit it out. i want to thank you for pushing for this union thing. now when football goes away forever, i can blame unions instead of concussion. right? (laughter) so why do you folks want college players to get paid a salary? >> our position is that college athretes are already paid. >> stephen: why do you want more, then? >> well, there are things that aren't provided. for instance, if a college athlete gets injured, they're not guaranteed medical expenses. >> stephen: walk it out, tough it out. find the extra gear. words mean nothing. >> if they go out and get hurt, they get stuck with medical expenses and former players don't have anything to support them as well. they generate multi-billion

dollars, and the ncaa face the same risk as the pro guys. they found cte which is a condition they found in other players. >> stephen: what does brain damage have to do with unionizing? if there was more brain damage, the players wouldn't think to unionize (laughter) >> the 1/2 players have a union and were able to negotiate through collective bargaining. college athlete committed suicide, they found brawn trauma, and at this point we see the multi-billion dollar industry to get comprehensive protection, we form a union. >> stephen: no one is forcing the players to play. they just say, hey, i don't want to be in this situation. why don't i, say, be a theater major? (laughter) >> well, that's a pretty good point, but in america, you know,

employees, no one is forced to go to their job, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't have a voice in your workplace for protection. >> stephen: what -- if players unionize -- (laughter) (applause) thank you very much. thank you. (laughter) but if players, you know, unionize, we've seen what unions have done to employment in the united states, already. are you ready for the ohio state university's front line to be outsourced? you ready for that? you go to the game, you hear over the loud speaker, hello,, y name is kevin (in a middle eastern accent) >> stephen: won't universities just no longer give full scholarships to get around the ruling the same way employers don't have full-time employees

to get around the obamacare requirement? >> that's not really in the book. this is a very lucrative, multi-billion-dollar industry, so there is actually an incentive to draw recruits in and the way you draw them in is offer them a scholarship or money in exchange for services. >> stephen: but it's not in exchange for services. they're student athletes. that's the term you seem to be missing out on. student athletes, not employees. student athletes. what part of student athlete don't you get? (laughter) >> the student -- >> stephen: yes. they're athletes. >> stephen: i accept your apology, thank you so much! ramogi huma from the college [ male announcer ] staples has everything you need to get your client's attention. from architectural prints and brochures

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there's watching. then there's watchathoning. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back! my guest tonight has a new film. what crazy thing will hollywood think of next? please welcome john malkovich! (cheers and applause) all right, sir. you're a hollywood royalty -- oscar nominee, emmy winner --

you're clearly a liberal, right? you're a liberal, right? >> yes. >> stephen: goatee gives you a way. >> it's merely a soul patch. >> stephen: it kind of is and juxtaposes nicely with the suit made of sky you brought with you today. i have to say the friendliness of the suit makes this part much scarier, all right? (laughter) okay. why are you playing the hero in the movie about labor organizer caesar chavez? >> the hero? >> stephen: yeah, because you're the ranch owner, you're the job creator, you're the friend of richard nixon. you're the hero of the movie trying to stop the labor organizers from succeeding. why play hero for once? you're usually the bad guy. >> yeah, i mean, it happens, yeah. >> stephen: yeah. it's difficult for me to think of someone who can be called richard nixon on the

phone as a hero. >> stephen: i agree -- a little bit. >> but i'm not sure i would classify as heroic someone who simply doesn't want to pay anybody a living wage. >> stephen: okay, yeah. but what the market will bear, okay... the invisible hand of the market says you pay people as little as you possibly can so you can make more money and pay them. okay? (applause) maybe we should explain to the people the story. i know the story of caesar chavez because i worked with these loons over in the united farm workers about four years ago. tell the people what chavez tried to do to the good grape growers of california. >> well, he tried to organize the union, to pay people at least something approaching a

doesn't day's pay for a decent day's work --? mm-hmm. who gets to say what that is? caesar chavez. >> sure. and things like maybe give them a place to go to the bathroom. >> stephen: it's a field, for god's sake (laughter) it's a field. >> okay. >> stephen: we have a little clip here. jimmy, roll the clip. >> who the hell is this caesar chavez? >> nobody knows. somebody say he's from arizona. word is he used to hang around the other counties from c.s.o. in the valley stirring up trouble. >> stephen: now, chavez had a motto -- (spanish) -- it means "yes, we can."

obama stole that from him and didn't pay him any royalties, as far as i could tell. (laughter) (applause) a, isn't that union busting in and of itself? and, b, what do you think obama's goals and chavez's goals, or these early union goals, what do they have in common? >> well, first, i would say that obama maybe could have used a different phrase, such as "if you like your lettuce, you can keep your lettuce." granted, i mean, probably he should have paid for it. but i'm not sure that it's a questionable -- let me put it to you this way -- if the world were different, and if everybody here's position was reversed, and we had to cross a mexican border to find work, don't you

think it's just a question of simple fairness that, if you work like they do -- like dogs in the blazing sun all the time -- that you make enough to eat and clothe a family and educate a family? (applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you know, if you want your lettuce, you can keep your lettuce -- chavez -- there wasn't enough for them to just get a living wage. they had to deny us our lettuce. because in the '70s -- >> but only -- >> stephen: no, there was a lettuce shortage. will you admit there was a lettuce shortage in the 1970s? will you admit it, yes or no, senator? >> i will only say this, they didn't boycott bib or iceberg

lettuce. why should we care? it was only things like arugula (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: you're right. i apologize. i'm sorry. i apologize. (laughter) that's a beautiful suit. did you design that? >> i did. >> stephen: you have your own clothing line. >> i do. >> stephen: what's it called? techno-bohemian. >> stephen: can i smell like malkovich, if i want? >> i don't think you'd want. >> stephen: no? a little malkovich? >> no, i don't have a fragrance? >> stephen: you don't? would bit okay if i smelled you? >> sure. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: like a baby's bottom. john malkovich! john malkovich! the movie is caesar yes, i understand the fact

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(cheers and applause) > captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, and this happened on google plus today. as an april fool's day stunt, google plus adde david hasselhoff photobombs to pictures that users uploaded today, like this one at the beach right there hanging out. i does one myself. ( cheers and applause )