>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> i don't care what you do from day to day just do it on this show. >> what do you call a camel captioning sponsored by comedy central

( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome, good to have you with us. thank you. [ applause ] >> stephen: anybody out there who knows me knows that i'm a well known outdoorsman. ime out there. and of course, i love mother earth. just like the wise native americans with the buffalo. i believe that we should exploit every part of the planet. there's still a cu couple of animals i haven't worn a shoe yet. meerkats make great comfort insoles. but now the global warming winers at the u.n. released a

report thal raise the urine levels in your pants. dire warning. the climate change could destabilize human society. >> a new united nations remit raised the threat of climate change to a whole new level. >> scientists say we're running out of time. >> food and water shortages. floods, droughts. floods, wildfires and cyclones. >> swimming together. thank you, doctor. >> stephen: the report claims that the problems is so bad they added a new level of risk tolt danger chart. the high color blazing red now goes to very high color purple. obviously high wasn't actually that high. so why should we believe that very high is high. only when it reaches ultraviolet. and yet the human eye can't see that. but we're not paying attention

anyway. and we're never going to. at least according to a much more optimistic study put out by my favourite environmental group, exxon mobil. in the reported the shareholders released the exact same day as the u.n. report, exxon acknowledged the need to adopt the policy, and concluded the governments are highly unlikely to adopt policy that is cut emigs. exxon knows what they're falk being, because the company contributes $20 million a year to the american petroleum instituted which lobbies against kliementd change legislation. you see, the government in action increases exxon share price. exxon then uses that money to influence politicians. it's a phenomenon called the green house effect. [laughter] [applause] >> stephen: also, the green

centered effect. they spread it around. folks, you know, i love capital punishment. it sends a clear message that we as a society think it's depraveed to take a human life, and to prove it, we're going to kill you. that's why i was swollen with pride when i saw this from the chattanooga free press. tennessee is seeking execution dates for 10 death row inmates. it's an unprecedented move for a state that's executed only six inmates since 1960. one official says they've never seen 10 execution dates all at once. >> stephen: you have to to 10alt once. that's how you get the free stuff. >> they had to halt all executions in 2011, because the italian chemical company that made their lethal drug of choice. sodium pentobarbital stopped

producing it after tennessee couldn't guarantee it wouldn't be used for capital punishment even though they said it would only be used as an incredibly effective cough suppressant. and the scarcity of lethal injection drugs has forced us to scramble for substitutes. it's like when you run out of half and half and have to put skim in your coffee. just kill me now. [ applause ] >> stephen: a lot of death penalty fans in the audience tonight. these substitute drugs have made capital punishment seem unusually cruel. after a know an oklahoma inmate were injected his final words i feel my whole body burning. big deal, i yell that all the time in hot yoga. and during an ohio execution

in january, the prisoner made snorting and choking sounds at least 10 minutes, and finyd 25 which is particularly disturbing because a lot of these executions don't sdart until midnight, and hello, some of us have to get up in the morning. fortunately, tennessee has found a way around the public lethal injections, and it's the subject of tonight. [applause] folks, these botched lethal injections all share one fundamental problem. the problem is the public heard about them. but a new law in tennessee allows the state to withhold all kinds of information from the public, including the type of drugs that they plan to use. you see, if they keep it secret, they could use anything. sodium pentobarbital, sodium and barbosol. diet coke and mentos.

the cinnamon challenge. the new law also allows tennessee to never disclose who the drug manufacturer is, which is very important, because the new drug they want to use, sodium pentobarbital, is not available from any legal drug manufacturer. and you know you're going to get quality product when the slogan is, don't tell anyone where you got this. but no worries, folks. [ applause ] no worries. because a spokesperson for the tennessee department of corrections says we are confident we will be able to secure the drug when necessary. yes, they will be able to get the drug, either from a reputable licensed pharmacist or from a guy loitering under the overpass. of course, some outside agitators call the people they're going to execute demanding to know what's being

injected into them. you see, according to their lawyers, the people have a right to know the department of corrections isn't torturing citizens using public funds. right. because that's the cia's job. [ applause ] well, the public eventually may have the right to know, but what about my right of i'd rather not know. now fortunately, tennessee's law also make its impossible to know exactly who will carry out the executions. oh, oh, that makes capital punishment into a fun game of who >> and it's great, because americans support the death penalty, but don't want to know how the sausage is made. by the way, until we know how they're killing people, i'd stay away from tennessee sausage. [applause]

if the story about secrecy of execution is nothing knew, one of the tennessee lawyers argued the state's information to keep it secret is settled. the process. wearing hoods at executions has been around since the middle ages. tennessee just wants to take the system back to the middle ages. but even with all the [applause] >> stephen: there is still something that makes people uncomfort ablg about strappinga a guy to a table and watching him die. the guy on the table. why do we have to know who he is, it puts a human fies on humanless faces. the government should tell us they caught a bad guy, and made sure he was bad with a judge or whatever, and once justice is served, put him up

on a scoreboard outside the prison. or better yet, just keep executing people the way we do now, but instead of blindfolding the prisoner, blind fold the public, and that's the word. we'll be right back. mrax*ut[ applause ] [paintball noises] the annual company retreat. planned, as usual, by this guy. nature lover... people person. ♪ and you put up with it all... because he also booked you a room... at this place. planet earth's number one accomodation site: booking.com booking.yeah! that's a little better, right? now, see i love this neighborhood. trulia says the schools are excellent. i like it. must see. well, that was a bust. mnh. it's three bedrooms.

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>> stephen: ladies and

gentlemen, you know, i love silicon valley. it's an innovative utopia where you can see your dinner on your glass from inside your uber and ignoring the hobos while down loading on to a wall. i was disturbed to learn that many of techs brightest minds are focusing. >> there's a plastic surgery boom, now silicon valley is placing a huge premium on youth, and it has men over 30 turning to doctors to keep them young. >> basically, if you hit 30, you're no good for any of these tech companies. >> stephen: yes. what you want is somebody who is dropped off by their parents and then asks you to are buy them beer. and how can investors tell the difference between an empty 32-year-old hut, and the future. for all we know, this guy is a senior citizen with cheek implants and a hoody thrown on

to a house coat. have you ever met anyone under 70 named mark zuckerberg. and this affects me personally. i was in on the ground floor of tumbler, and flipper, and scours the internet collecting other start-ups for resale. now luckily, i've got excellent youth scar, and i've got a pitch right now with a young genious, the next silicon valley. glen, get out here. [ applause ] good to see you. nice to be here, glen. we're doing youth speak. >> hello.0, and nice back to you, glen. i can tell by that hip facial hair and that you are super young, but i want to make sure

you haven't had plastic surgery just to trick me. name a cool band i've never heard television. >> do you know uppersan crush. gillio barn? how about ruby, donkey donkey donkey. >> stephen: three donkeys? i never heard of that. okay, you're young. what disruptive digital breakthrough have you cooked up in that millennial brain of yours. >> holdol. introducing snap shirt. it keeps your collar straight while streaming data to your smart phone about how your collar isn't bending. >> stephen: okay, okay. i'm intrigued. how is it monetized? >> let's say bit coin. >> stephen: i've heard of that. i've heard of that. so what's your roll out plan sthi. we're going to post it all over social media from christian mingle to the elk

club. >> stephen: sold, sold. here's $10 million. [applause] thanks, see you in urban outfirsts. glen, everybody. i'm going to be rich. i want to tell you about a unique group of people. these people all love their dentist. they also have one other thing in common... we helped them find that dentist. because finding a dentist that you'll be comfortable going to, that you trust, is hard. at 1-800-dentist, we've helped over 8 million people find that right dentist and we can do the same for you. so don't put it off any longer. call 1-800-dentist today.

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it can take the cold. and the heat. ♪ trust me. this battery can beat up your battery. ♪ duralast. proven tough. get in the zone. ♪ umm...it's the new flatizza... from subway. that's from subway? what's a flatizza? it's melty cheese and marinara... on super crispy flatbread. tom, i'm patching you in. and over here ... introducing the bio duplicator! great to see you guys. did i just blow your mind? flatizza! the latest invention from subway, the new flatizza. crispy flatbread loaded with mozzarella and made the way you say. now get two for $5. subway eat fresh. directions to the nearest subway. >> stephen: welcome back. my geftd is abc journalist who

has a new book about taming the voice in the head. let's see if he can tame the voice in my mouth. please welcome dan harris. [applause] sit down, there you go. all right. there's a few people out there who may not know that you're the emmy and award winning journalist, the co-host of "nightline", and the weekend anchor of good morning america. you reported on combat from afghanistan and made six trips to iraq. your new book is called 10% happier. how i tamed the voice in my head. how it actually works, a true story. zyme afraid that's all we have time for. thanks for coming. [ applause ] >> stephen: now wha, is 10% happier mean? >> well, i said a lot of times in the reform of this book hanging around with self-help gurus solve your problems through the power of thinking

-- >> stephen: why can't you? >> it's impossible. >> stephen: yes, i can. i used to not be happy all the time, and then i grew a pair and manned up. [ >> that's awesome. >> stephen: boom. >> you just made my case for me. >> stephen: the impetus for this. you've embedded with the troops in afghanistan. you've been there for fire fights. you came back, and felt the stress of that. you had a panic attack on air. what did that feel like? what show was it? >> good morning america. >> stephen: you're supposed to be happy on good morning america. >> yeah t yes. >> stephen: so what came over you? >> my heart was racing, palms sweating, and i couldn't talk. i was halfway through six stories i was supposeed to read, and i had to bail and send it back. >> stephen: you were

experimenting with non-prescription drugs? >> yes. >> after the war zones i got depressed and was sprnltding wit was experimenting with cocaine and ecstasy, and it raitzs the level of adrenaline in the brain and caused a panic attack. >> stephen: did you have a pacifier in your mouth and a blow stick. what did you think -- how did you think that >> you're making me realize i did it wrong. [ applause ] >> stephen: that's good. okay. so then the late great peter jennings pult you on religion after that. >> right. >> stephen: what religion helped you? did you find jesus? >> i met a lot of people who knew jesus, and i was moved by their storys. nothing spoke to me personally, but i did

ultimately find meditation. >> stephen: what religion did you find meditation? >> buddhist meditation. >> stephen: and will that meditation be something that helps you when you're eventually sent [laughter] you sit there in the fire like this. it's a good start. but for 10% more happiness, you're risking an eternality of damnation. >> i hesitate the slightly on the buddhist thing. the meditation comes out of buddhism, but can co-exist with a belief in jesus or any faigts oth or no faith. >> stephen: what is meditation supposeed to do for me? does it hollow you out and make you a shell of a person? >> no. that's the stereotype. that you have to be deeply into aromatherapy. shave your head, live shoeless. not true at all. it's simple brain exercise.

and the super power is it gives you a different relationship to the voice in your head. >> stephen: what do you mean the voice in your head? >> the inner anchor man jammering at you all day, and judging, not wanting, casting yourself forward into an idealized future or remembering the past and not focusing on what's happening >> stephen: i've got a voice in my head and it's telling me you're going to be great. okay -- [applause] >> you want >> stephen: sure. >> you guys tom do [applause] >> it's veryicism and he will quick. step one, simply close your eyes. second step is to notice where you're feeling your breath most prominently, the belly, nose or chest, and feel the brelgts coming in and going out, and every time your mind wonders. like what am i going to have for dinner, and why did i say

that to my boss, just catch your wandering, and come back to the breath. and you break a lifetime of habit of walking around in a daydream of future and past and focusing on what's happening now. >> stephen: and you say that this is going to give me a super power? >> yes. >> stephen: it will? will i have deep vision when i open my eyes? >> i hope not. >> stephen: that was pleasant. is sleeping the same as meditating, because i seemed like it now. >> not a problem. falling asleep is something that happens when you're meditating. >> stephen: do i really want to move into a mood to be happy? [laughter] because the world is rough, and terrible things happen. do i want to be like a hippie newsman interviewing terrorists saying don't >> that's is to misunderstand

meditation. meditation doesn't make you where anybody can walk all over you. it enables you to see clearly what's happening in your head. >> stephen: you can defend yourself still? >> absolutely. i'm a small man, a punch might not hurt the attacker, but i can >> stephen: due feel like throwing one right now? >> at you? >> yeah. >> i'm worried about the heat vision. >> stephen: see how it goes dan harris, thank you so much. dan harris. [applause] tv 10% happier. try it. try it. [ beep ] oh, hey jim, this is my sister, lisa. [ jim ] mmmmm. so, hot. whoo! mmmmm. that is hot! [ male announcer ] made with real cheese and premium cuts of meat. [ ding! ] ♪ hot pockets!

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[applause] >> stephen: thanks so much. in just a few short moments, this broadcast will end, and then what will we do? talk to your kids. it's midnight. why are your kids still up? you're a terrible parent. luckily there's a new way to never be without my show. just down load the new official app which for some reason works on ipad, iphone, and for some reason, the 2003 motorola razor. with the app, you can watch everything this network has to offer from the latest epicodes of "colbert report" to archived epicodes of the "colbert report", plus you can catch up on other great programs like southern park,

hash tag, workplace comedy. future simpsons, and of course, the john daly show. it's a great app, and i'd like to be clear, i have absolutely no control over what goes on in it. so get your copy wherever free apps captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org announcer: please welcome joe derosa. (crowd cheering) boston! holy (bleep)! you guys are revved up