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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 8, 2014 6:59pm-7:31pm PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, thank you so much for joining us. thank you, thank you. how are you? >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. (cheers and applause) folks, thank you so much for being here on-- nice to be here on such a special
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night. i just had a new child. and it's the easiest birth i've ever had. welcome to the family, avery. nation, we are just-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, we are just 100 days away from being 845 days away from the 2016 presidential election. and the gop field is already full of strong contenders forming committees to explore the possibility of talking to their families about maybe vacationing in iowa this year. (laughter) the candidate i've been pinning my hopes on is jeb bush, he's a strong leader whose victory would return dignity to the white house and relevance to my-- sadly this past weekend jeb shot himself in the foot which would have been a ringing endorsement of gun rights if he hadn't also said this about illegal immigrants. >> they cross the border because they have no other
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means to work, to be able to provide for their family. yes, they broke the law, but it's not a felony. it's kind of-- it's an act of love. (laughter) >> stephen: he will be missed. (laughter) because republican primary voters know that illegal immigration is not an act of love, sir. it is illicit filthy act of border penetration. no love involved. it is sweaty and it is frantic. and odds are it is happening in the back of a truck. (laughter) the only love going on here is the immigrant's love for american jobs education and health care. i say if immigrants loved their families so much then why does my housekeeper never seem to go home to her kids. she's always with mine. by the way, rosita, i need you to stay late tonight. don't get me wrong, folks, immigration is what made
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this country great. but only when it's the results of potato famine or however black people got here. i don't know. nice try, jeb, it's over. nation, i never bow in the face of criticism, i am the face of criticism. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) >> nation, nation, if you watch this show, i know you do, i know that i don't trust "the new york times", except the wedding announcements. it is the final confirmation of what the couple's instagram, facebook, twitter and save the date only hinted at. and now the announcement page got even announcier. because sandwiched in between all the notices of marriage they recently introduced a new column called unhitched which shares stories of divorce. it is sweet, isn't it? (laughter) the most recent column
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featured john and patty reid who got married in the '80s but began drifting apart. john laments our love want strong enough to break down the walls between us. apparently john met a woman. at first the relationship was business-related but it became romantic. that's a nice clipping for the scrapbook for two of the three people involved. (laughter) so i'm giving a tip of the hat to the "new york times"s for keeping it real. (cheers and applause) now quick message, quick message to the newly-weds whose nuptials were featured in the times. the bad news is statistically half of your marriages will end in divorce. the good news is you will have another chance to be profiled by "the new york times". for an occasional story in the corn are of the page is not enough there should be an entire section of divorce announcement, brad bernstein and jennifer chen were divorced friday in an uncivil ceremony at the law offices of-- chen's father said quote thank god there were no children.
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lev laugh and for that matter, for that matter, why are newly-weds and the divorced hogging all the limelight. what about celebrating the millions of married couples who are simply making it work by printing still married announcements. mark hefner and his wife marie are pleased to announce they continue to be married. are they always happy, no. is it work with kids, you bet your ass it is. marie has a full-time job too so why is he is the one taking the kids to soccer practice, oh, here we go, get out the chalk and the blackboard because i know you're keeping score. >> i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm just tired. anyway mark and marie basically enjoy each other's companies and isn't that the most you can hope for? (applause) >> get on it, "new york times". i want this, i want this still married announcement to be printed for the same reason all marriage announcements are weren'ted, to make the people you know
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jealous. next up, folks, i love hunting. partly it's the thrill of stalking prey but mostly it's the love of alcohol and public urination. and i love every innovation in hunting which is why i'm giving a wag of my finger to the alaska board of games which just voted to mak make-- assisted hunting illegal by banning using a drone to fly above trees to look for a moose or a bear. what am i supposed to do, go into the woods myself. there might be a moose or a bear in there! (laughter) and listen, just listen to their lame reason. >> alaska's board of game says drones give hunters an unfair advantage. >> stephen: since when is hunting about fairness? if it was fair, we would meet the moose in the middle of a field, flip a coin and the winner gets the gun. so lift this ban, alaska, and allow americans to fulfill the dream of every
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outdoorsman bagging a pa jess particular 12 point buck from the comfort of his own toilet. finally, on timpicay mother wager a new warning has been announced with a car with 16 valves, four cylinders and thousands of leg legs. >> mad da-- mazda is recalling 42,000 cars because of potential danger caused by spiders. the automaker says the insects are drawn by the smell of gasoline and then they build webs inside the vent hose. that causes the fuel tank to crack, increasing the risk of fuel leches and fires. >> stephen: that's right. once again, mankind faces a threat of gas huffing spiders. (laughter) which brings me to a tip of the hat to mazda whose handling of this issue is as smooth as the handling of the mazda 6-4 sedan, maz da, it's got spiders in it. now mazda-- quick to explain-- (applause)
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>> mazda quickly explained that no injuries or fires have been reported due to the issue. and you can trust mazda as experts on the spider issue because they've had plenty of practice. back in 2011 mazda recalled cars for the same problem. you know what they say, a car full of spiders once, shame on you. car full of spiders twice, oh god, the spiders are back. now at this point-- (cheers and applause) at this point when you buy a paz da, spiders are just a dealer option. so you want an undercoating? no, how about the spiders, no? okay, i can remove the spiders for $500 but i will have to ask my manager first. now if you are's a mazda owner affected by this recall, do not worry because mazda will update your car's software for free to insurance that the fuel tank
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pressure doesn't build up. yes, you still have the spiders, but now you can use the hov lane. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) can i help you? we just wanted to find out about your family plan. sure, you get 10 gigs of data to share with unlimited talk and text. and for a family of four, that's $160 dollars a month. sounds great. sounds like a slam dunk. oh you a basketball fan? yeah, i played a little. hmmm, me too. lily adams. point guard. high school jv. grant hill. small forward. college and professional. oh, good for you. introducing our best-ever family pricing. for instance, a family of four gets 10 gigs of data, with unlimited talk & text, for $160 dollars a month. only from at&t
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and then take everything out ofn the truck and out of the boxes? you know the answers to questions like that, so you're the best person to do your taxes. intuit turbotax. it's amazing what you're capable of. bigger than a giant el camino on monster tires. and bolder than taking that behemoth and breaking the world bus-jumping record by 2 1/2 buses. [ screaming ] [ screaming ] [ male announcer ] and they're crunchy. [ engine revs ]
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crunchier than driving through a fine china shop that sells professional-grade fireworks out of the back. ♪ doritos jacked. bigger. bolder. thicker. a short word that's a tall order. up your game. up the ante. and if you stumble, you get back up. up isn't easy, and we ought to know. we're in the business of up. everyday delta flies a quarter of million people while investing billions improving everything from booking to baggage claim. we're raising the bar on flying and tomorrow we will up it yet again. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks, primary season is upon us and coy not be more excited. foinlly a chance to see some
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fresh new faces being bankrolled by the same old faces. (laughter) and folks, no-- needs freshening more than mitch mcconnell. i have recently always been opposed to mitch mcconnell. he claims to be a small government conservative, yet he works for the united states senate, step aside sir, thankfully mcconnell is facing a strong primary challenge from kentucky tea party darling matt bevin, this will be his closest race since he beat that hair. but now, but now the liberal, you all know-- the liberal kentucky media is going after my man bevin just because he spoke at a cockfighting rally. folks, that's just good politics. a candidate has to reach all constituencies. soccer moms, cockfighting dads, bear baiting uncles,
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horsewhipping sisters in law, and personally i was thrilled when i heard about bevin's connection to gamecocker. long time viewers of the report know something know i'm soving a cock enthusiast. there is no greater rush than watching a filipino blue face go beak to beak with a chinese silke, the smell of the dust, the gleam of the blade, the call of pepe the toothless bookie. it is the sweet science followed shortly by the savory soup. but apparently, and i did not know this, some so-called americans oppose making roosters fight to the death. they prefer their poultry to be remain lee crammed into a crate and compassionately beheaded by a homicidal conveyer belt. so now attack chickens are circling matt bevin with the humane society calling for him to withdraw from the race. thankfully, bevin has a perfectly reasonable explanation for why he spoke
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at the cockfighting rally. he did not realize the event had anything to do with cockfighting. i mean how-- how could he! how coknow the event was hosted by the american gamefoul defense network. that name could mean anything. i mean it could be about giving asought rifles to roosters. i would pay to see that. and as bevin pointed outlive on the trail moves too fast to notice details like who you are talking to. jim? >> i was the first person to speak and then i had to boogie because i had to get to owensboro where i was also speaking at an unbrideeled liberty rally. >> stephen: yes, he's moving all over the state, speaking here, speaking there, his handlers drive him aerpd in a windowless van with a bag on his head and whip it off and he just goes for it liberty, and then back in the bag. and-- (applause)
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>> and as a member of the tea party, bevin wants everyone to know that the repugnant practice of cockfighting which he in no way condones is also a proud american tradition. >> when you look at cockfighting and dogfighting as well. this isn't something new. the founding fathers were all, many of them actively involved in this and always have been. >> stephen: yes. they all, they were actively involved in cockfighting and always have been. which means there must be cockfighting in heaven. though technically they strap burrs on the angels and make them go at it. the point is, our founders did it. it is our heritage. and should continue today. the same reason we should all be dualing with pistols and boning our slaves. so layoff matt bevin. he does not condone it but if you are going to hold a rally to support
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cockfighting, he will be there and not know why. ♪ ♪ i got no beef with repetition ♪ ♪ i'm gonna see it through and through ♪
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>> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a mathematician who has a new book out about love and math. i'll ask him if one is the loneliest number. please welcome edward frenkel. (cheers and applause) thank you very much. (cheers and applause) thank you very much. sometimes these people deserve a double dip. now you deserve it too. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: as do you because are you an very impressive guy but in ways that i don't think i'm qualified to judge, okay. because you need know introduction, obviously but i will do it they way, you are a professor of mathematics at the call
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university of california berkly. i don't have to tell people here that you actually worked on the-- cac moody algebras-- (applause) >> also you defined the quantum drimfeld sokolov production and described the center of the universal developing algebra of a walking module to great a ground breaking frenkel alpha morphism. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: huge, huge, the people here, they are more feldman fans than frenkel. >> it is like red wine, you can enjoy sometimes. so i think they are fans. >> stephen: perhaps over a piece of poached salmonment you have a new book called love and math, the heart of hidden reality. what the hell does love have to do with math because spoiler alert, i think it's-- and i will tell you why, because math doesn't care about my opinion. why should i love it.
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>> well, thank you for saying that, stephen. because i hear it quite often. even from supersmart and superintelligent people who would never say i hate art. or i hate music. >> stephen: i hate some art, some music. >> but it's okay in our society to say i hate math. >> stephen: so math is like art to you. >> math is like art. but the good news is that when you say i hate math, it's not your fault. >> stephen: whose fault is because i love blaming people for things. >> it's my fault. >> stephen: your fault. >> i should have written this book a long time ago. >> stephen: so if i read this i will love math. >> i hope so. when people say i hate math, what you really saying is i hate the way mathematics was taught to me. imagine in art class. in which they teach you only how to paint a fence or a wall but never show you the paintings of the great masters. then of course years later
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you will say i hate art. what you would really be saying is i hate painting a fence. and so it is with math. when people say i hate math, what they are really saying is i hate painting a fence. >> stephen: but in math don't i have to know a fair amount of high end math to appreciate the work of the masters. it's almost as if, you know, yes, you could show me a painting by a master, but i don't have eyeballs yet. don't you need to sort of grow the math eyeballs to see the equations as beautiful? >> that's our job. you know, one of my teachers a great teacher would say-- used to say, you know f you ask a drunkard which number is big two, two-thirds or three fifths he won't tell you, but if you ask him what is better, two bottle of vodka for -- he will tell you right a wap. two bottles. course. so i try to-- . >> stephen: that is a level
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of math that perhaps only russians can do. (applause) >> true. i come from russia. >> stephen: yes. >> from russia with love. >> stephen: from russia with love. >> an math. >> stephen: now in russia, is math the same as it is here or over there is it 2 plus 2 is whatever putin says it is? >> i'm not the one to speak for putin. >> stephen: yes, you might have to go back. i understand-- understand. okay. you not only someone who writes passionately, you actually have performed passionately. you did a the right of love and math, an he rot oik journey into the beauty of numbers and the human form. which features you naked and with equations on the body of your lover. isn't that a little conservative for a professor at berkeley. >> what wouldn't i do to
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expose the beauty of mathematics. >> stephen: let's show the people you what did (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i might have hit the books a little bit harder as a child am now is that for general audiences, can kids watch this. that would be a great way to get teenagers hooked on math. >> well, we still want pie viewers to embrace mathematics, so be it. >> stephen: what were you writing on that poor woman's stomach. what is that equation there? >> well, in the film, the
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film-- . >> stephen: she's math i -- realize that. >> the film is about a love affair that is us doing mathematics, it is a love affair. and she represents the truth in mathematics which is we sacrifice ourselves. and the premise of the film is that the mathematician found the formula of love. the formula so powerful than he realized that he realized this could be used not only for good but also for ill. so then he understands that he has to protect the formula. he has to hide it. from the powers that be who could refuse it. could refuse the formula and that's why he decides to tattoo it on the body of the woman he loves. >> stephen: and then, and then what happens to her? do the bad guys chase her and -- >> you have to see the film.
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>> stephen: i saw some of it. i saw-- i can't actually show the pieces that had the naked butt in it. do all mathematicians have an ass that high and tight? >> you must love them. >> stephen: i never did math and the results were disastrous. edward frenkel, thank you so much. the book is love and math. we'll be right back. one word: bacon. chicken bacon tomato... what's not to love. grilled chicken, roma tomatoes vine ripe, hardwood smoked bacon... sprinkled with the aged parmesan. it's our garlic parmesan line... and there's much more to come. try one now for just $10 bucks or get any other pizza for $11! pizza hut. it's an invitation to stop and savor the unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious.
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it's my dale call. [ engine revs ] [ male announcer ] if you're on a diet of taking it up a notch... that's way better than my duck call. [ male announcer ] ...drink diet dew. the only diet with dew in it. >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org .
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>> from comedy central's world husband nrkz in new york, this is dale "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we have a beautiful show tonight. we've a beautiful show tonight. tonight's guest matt taibbi, a journalist, author of "the divide: american injustice in the age of the wealth gap." it's a lf story. it's lovely. i added that last part. our top story tonight begins in congress. last week the senate intelligence committee voted to declassify a comprehensive report on our country's use of um -- i guess what the c.i.a. what would called

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