>> jon: that's our show. your moment of zen. >> how dangerous earthquakes can be. part of that is this earthquake simulator which attempts to replicate a -- captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. thanks so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!

stephen. >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, we've got to-- folks, i gotta tell you, one quick thing, one quick thing. i know we've got a big show to do tonight, but one thing before we get started, there was some big news last week that slipped through my news crack, and it concerns someone i've admired for years, and yet surprisingly is not me. i'm talking about david letterman, who last thursday night announced his retirement. and i am going to miss this good man. dave has been on the air my entire adult life, "late night" debuted my first year in college. i learned more from watching dave than i did from going to my classes. ( cheers and applause ). especially-- especially the ones i did not go to because i had stayed up until 1:30 watching

dave. ( applause ) this man has influenced every host who came after him, and even a few who came before him. he's that good. ( laughter ) and i gotta tell you, i do not envy whoever they try to put in that chair. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: folks, folks, those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants. ( laughter ) nation, wedding vows are supposed to last till death do us part, but with today's divorce rate, sadly, half of marriages don't end in death. this is cheating death with stephen t. colbert, d.f.a. >> yes, sir, where's the pretty

lady? ( laughter ). >> stephen: depression edition. first up, folks, a disclaimer eye am not a medical doctor. i have an honorary doctorate in fine arts so i can't cure your blindness, but i can open your eyes to the grand minimalism of richard serra's sculptures. as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott: where malpractice makes malperfect. ( applause ) first next up, mental health. folks, this country has a serious depression problem. according to the world health organization, nearly 20% of americans report an extended period of depression in their lifetime. while the other 80% insist that everything is okay. shut up, daddy's drinking. ( laughter ) ( applause ) , and, sure, there are treatments like prozac, paxil, and zoloft, but you cannot

inject them into your face. >> botox is the most popular cosmetic enhancement procedure in the country. a new study suggests botox could also be useful for a treatment option for depression. the thinking is frowning sends negative emotional signals to the brain so inhibiting the ability to frown would inhibit the negative emotions. >> stephen: folks, when i learned that botox can cure depression, you should have seen the expression on my face. or any expression on the face of someone with botox. cheering you up by killing your face works because there is a circuit between the brain and the muscles of facial expression, in which the brain monitors the emotional valence of the space faceand responds by generating the appropriate feeling. well, of course, your face tells your brain how it feel. your face-brain is much smarter than your skull-brain and you know that's true because my face just said it.

this procedure is not only effective, folks. it is far less invasive than the previous cosmetic treatment for depression-- reconstructive surgery to turn that frown upside down. that guy looks happy. folks, there's only one downside to this miraculous cure for depression-- botox can also make you feel depressed because you cannot smile properly. which then could make you very sad, but fortunately, you can also no longer frown. but prescott pharmaceuticals knows that your emotional problems go well beyond just happiness and depression. that's why prescott is proud to introduce vacsa-meh. because why paralyze your face from showing emotions when you can paralyze the emotions themselves? every syringe contains the same toxin as botox, but with an eight-inch need they'll allows you to inject it directly into

your brain. when you feel a tingling, that means it's working. when you don't feel anything at all, that means it works. ( laughter ) side effects of vacsa-meh include search and seizures. male pattern wald win, and hipster dysplasia, and vacsa-meh is 100% guaranteed to work, and when it doesn't, there's another solution in-- mental health. because there is yet another cure for depression. >> battling long-term depression, oxford university researchers treated 38 people with the drug ketamine for more than three weeks. 30% saw their depressive symptoms lessen. eight people reported feeling free of depression. ketamine is also used as a horse tranquilizer ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: it makes sense. folks-- ( applause ) it does make sense that you

treat depression with a horse tranquilizer because every time i see a horse i say, "why the long face?" ( applause ) ( laughter ) he's on a suicide watch. ( laughter ) little men in silk pajamas get on his back and make him jump over sticking while whipping him. it's sad. and this veterinary drug isn't just used to animals, folks. it's also used on party animals. >> ketamine is a general anesthetic often used by veterinarians. when tape in high doses at the club scene, users say they feel detached and almost hallucinate. >> ketamine is also used at the drug scene as a party drug. we have some foot annual of the clinical trials. that that-- that was the control

group. ( laughter ) now, according to the study, ketamine triggers the release of the neurotransmitter glutamate in the brain, which stimulates the growth of synapses that have been damaged by stress. put in layman's terms, oxford university researchers have determined that drugs make you feel good so you should take them, which is why prescott has repurposed its own liquid antidepression party medicatio medication-- vac daniels. ( cheers and applause ). ( applause ) vac-daniels comes in this patented mahdi bottle, and is guaranteed to temporarily relieve depression, reduce social anxiety, and make you funny, brave, and sex, plus it makes other people seem more attractive. ( laughter ) simply administer vac-daniels using the customized bioindex.

hold up two fingers to the glass to find your proper dosage. ( applause ) for severe cases, drink more. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) continue treatment with vac-daniels until the source of your stress goes away. whether it be depression, your job, or your family. ( laughter ) side effects of vac-daniels include high wall objection bud light lyme disease, and depression. well, brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott-- if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck there's been a breach from the duck containment facility. approach with caution. they have piranateeth. until next time, i'll see you

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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. nation, if you're a longtime viewer of this show, you know that bill o'reilly and i have a mutual appreciation society. i admire bill, and so does he. ( laughter ) and papa bear has been on a hot streak lately. last week i praised him for taking on the far left's obsession with equality. that was just the beginning of bill's unified theory of why everything is going to hell.

>> the grievance industry basically says america is not a fair nation, that the deck is stacked against minority, women, the poor, gays, atheists, muslims-- you name it. and the bad griez white males. the republican party. and anybody who doesn't buy into the grievance industry. >> stephen: now, you may not have heard of the grievance industry, but they are huge. ( laughter ) they're the ones who manufacture the nation's complaint boxes, those peeing calvins, and yahoo! comments. so just when did the grievance industrial complex begin? >> back in the late 1960s, the vietnam war caused a huge division in america. millions of young people decided their tricountrywas wrong for fighting the war in southeast asia, so they launched massive demonstrations all across the u.s.a., and built up a culture built on antiauthority-- that is, the man who had power was

dad. to go along with the political strife, the youth culture embraced sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll, change the country from traditional attitudes to "if it feels good, do it." >> stephen: yeah, man, let's defy authority and not go to vietnam. because it feels good not to die in a rice paddy. far out, daddyio, keep on trucking. sock it to me. get a job. cut your hair! you see, bill and i know it was crucial to fight that war. can you imagine what would have happened to america if we hadn't gone to war in vietnam? that means no forrest gump, and, therefore, no bubba gump shrimp shack mac and cheese, and i'm sorry, but that's not an america i want to live in. ( laughter ) folks this culture of grievance lives on today. i mean, if you're looking for grievance, look no further than bill's latest. >> recently, colbert mocked me

on the subject of inequality. only about 1 million people watch his late-night program at 11:30 but he is the darling of the far left internet when rhapsodizes over him. >> stephen: bill's right-- ( booing ). >> stephen: i know,in. folks i'm not happy about it but for some reason the far left internet loves me. i'm in all the hash tags. folks, if i thought-- >> stephen! stephen! steveeb! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: you know you people are the blood in my veins, right? folks, if i thought-- if i thought for even one second something i said hurt papa bear's feelings, i, too, am hurt, and to be honest, a little turned on. ( laughter ) not that bill would believe me. >> ah, but mr. colbert is a deceiver. i strongly believe in fighting

for equality, and also believe institutional bias should be against the law. what i oppose is government trying to impose equality because every human being is different. >> stephen: bill, you've got me all wrong. i agree with every single word you're saying, even those words don't agree with each other. ( laughter ) you see, i also believe institutional bias should be against the law, and at the same time, believe that governments shouldn't do anything about it. that leaves, ah-- maybe a voluntary make ai law, take ai law tray, or roaming gangs of vigilante cannibal equality bikers. or we could give add rile a hat and badge and let him wander the land telling pinheads toioc it off, bing, bing, bing. >> bing, bing, bing. bing, bing, bing. bing, bing, bing. bing, bing, bing. bing, bing, bing. >> stephen: i couldn't have said it better myself.

( cheers and applause ). we'll be right back. oh, hi there bill. hey! are you in town for another meeting? yup, i brought my a-team. make the most of the weekend before it's gone. this is my family. this is joe. hi joe! hi there! be a weekender and book your stay at hampton. feel the hamptonality.

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the name your price tool, still only from progressive. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. the icon whose latest project is a musical. i'm calling it tiki boats. please welcome sting! ( cheers and applause ) >> hey, thanks for coming. wow!

fantastic! thank you so much for being here. sting, thank you-- i'm so excited. thank you for taking time away from cleaning your gutters, i guess, to be here. ( laughter ) busy time of year for that. >> i didn't want to clash. >> stephen: thank you very much. now, everybody knows you. you were the-- you know, you have had a 40-year career in rock 'n' roll. ( cheers and applause ) i didn't want to age you. you've had a 70-year career in rock 'n' roll. >> yeah. >> stephen: you, benny goodman, mitch miller-- those are the original police. >> glenn miller. >> stephen: okay, all the millers. obviously, i'm a huge fan of the police. i love the pro-authority message that name sends. ( applause ) listen, but you've got a new project now. >> i do. >> stephen: that takes you back to your childhood, the town

you grew up in. it's called "the last ship," and it's a musical that starts this summer in chicago and then comes to broadway. tell folks about the story of the last ship. >> i was born in the shadow i a shipyard in a little town on the northeast coast of england. >> stephen: i think we have a picture of what the shipyard is like. >> one of my earliest memories is a giant ship at the end of my street. >> stephen: there it is. >> pretty surreal environment to grow up in. i didn't want to work in the shipyard. the shipyard was dangerous and toxic and pretty unpleasant, so i did everything i could to escape. >> stephen: okay. >> so i wanted to be a singer. i wanted to sing songs in the world. i wanted to be paid extravagant amounts of money. ( cheers and applause ) i wanted to be famous. >> stephen: what made you think you could do that? >> i was very confident as a child. anything but work in the shipyard. >> stephen: and when did the shipyard end? >> the shipyard closed in the '80s. >> stephen: so is this musical about the closing of the shipyard? >> yeah.

>> stephen: is margaret thatcher the hero. thatcher, i'm a huge fan, a huge fan of hers. >> we're not a fan of mrs. thatcher. it begins in social history, the story and then it becomes allegory. >> stephen: i don't know what that word means. >> i'm not sure i do. >> stephen: allegory. you also have the rain forest benefit coming up at carnegie hall, the 25th anniversary of your rain forest benefit. >> that's true. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what side of that whole rain forest issue do you come down on? because if we didn't cut those trees down, they would swallow our cities, okay. at this point, we're just playing defense. so what's-- what's your take here on that rain forest thing? >> my instinct is we're better off with it. >> stephen: really. >> than without it. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, just an instinct. ( applause ) >> stephen: why do we need trees? we have plastic now.

>> i-- our real emphasis is not on tree. >> stephen: no, what's it on? >> we're trying to make the lives of people who live there better. >> stephen: people who live in the amazon? >> not just the amazon. the tropical forest generally. they're beleaguered people. >> stephen: what does "beleaguered" mean? is that like allegory. >> under siege. >> stephen: what's it like to have one name? >> it's -- >> stephen: why? >> fantastic for signing autographs. >> stephen: saves so much time. ( cheers and applause ) this summer, this summer-- last summer, you did a tour which i wish i could have seep. it was you and paul simon. right? >> yes. >> stephen: for just this summer, were you sting-funkle? >> yes. >> stephen: sting, thank you for being here. would you do one of your songs? >> i would love to. >> stephen: sting, thank you so much for being here. the album "the last ship." we will be right back with a the album "the last ship." we will be right back with a performance by sting.

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>> stephen: here to perform a song from his album and broadway-bound musical "the last ship," ladies and gentlemen, sting. ♪ a magd delin girl comes to py her respects ♪ but her mind is awhirl the

sign of a corpse in the dark of the core ♪ and she reaches the door sees an unholy sight, solitary figure and halo of light ♪ he just carries on floating past cavalry hill ♪ ah, but she may catch him still ♪ tell me where are you gone, lord, and why in such haste? ♪ i don't envy you woman, i hae no time to waste ♪ i launch tomorrow at noon ♪ and i have to be there before daybreak ♪ oh, i cannot be missing the lads will expect me ♪ why else would the good lord himself resurrect me? ♪ nothing will stop me. i have to prevail through the tea in the tempest and the mouth of a gail. ♪ and the last ship sails

or the roar of the chain and the cracking of timbers ♪ the noise at the end of the world in your ears ♪ as a mountain of steel makes the way to the sea ♪ and the last ship sails and whatever you're promised ♪ whatever you've done ♪ and whatever the station in light you've become ♪ in the name of the father in the name of the son ♪ and whatever the weave of ths life that you've spun ♪ or under the sun ♪ when the last ship sails ♪ oh, the roar of the chains ad the crackin' of timbers ♪ the noise at the end of the world in your ears ♪ and a mountain of steel makes its way to the sea ♪ and the last ship sails ♪ ( cheers and applause )

>> stephen: sting. "the last ship"! good night, everybody. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org announcer: from new york city, "comedy central presents": christian finnegan. [cheers and applause] christian: finnegan: hello, folks. nice to see you. i just want to get this out of the way right up top. i am aware that i look slightly like biff from back to the future. [laughter] you guy's in a good mood tonight?