>> hey that's our show, here is the moment again. >> damn man i'm governor can you just shut up for captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org better know a congressional district in los angeles! i think it's had some work done. then, it's earth day, which means only 29 more minutes until i can dump paint thinner in the storm drains. (laughter) and my guest, columnist george will, has a new book celebrating wrigley fields' 100th birthday and the chicago cubs' 20th win.

(laughter) the vatican library is digitizing its archives. so the next dan brown novel will just be robert langdon alone with an ipad. this is the colbert report! captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: hey! welcome to the show, everybody! thank you for coming! (audience chanting "stephen " ) (cheers and applause)

thank you! welcome to the show! folks, there are a lot of things i warned you about over the years. there are so many things to be afraid of. nation, i've warned you the gays are hellbent on rubbing our noses in their lifestyle. the nose-rubbing, of course, very big in the gay eskimo community. well, look out, because the gays just infiltrated another beloved institution. >> the us postal service unveiled its artwork for a commemorative stamp honoring harvey milk, the first openly gay elected officials on a stamp. >> stephen: a gay man on a stamp? anger! and they used such an unflattering picture. jimmy, can you fix that? that's much better. that's a good looking guy! (cheers and applause)

folks, appearing on a u.s. postage stamp is a prestigious honor traditionally reserved for our greatest presidents and regional songbirds. and they didn't pick just any gay politician, like rutherford b. hayes. oh, methinks he doth beard too much. no, they went with san francisco's harvey milk. suddenly, if i want to mail something, i have to lick this guy's backside? no! no! worse, if it's self-adhesive, now i'm licking his front?! 'cuz make no mistake, if it's mail, i'm lickin' something! i'll say it again -- anger! oh, hi! i was just about to make myself one of my world famous britos.

i start with a hand-pressed flour torilla, and then i fill it with a microwave burrito. this tortilla was made by mission foods whose tortilla factory is located in the 76th installment of my 434-part series... better know a district! tonight: california's 29th, the fightin' 29th! the 29th is nestled in california's san fernando valley and also contains parts of los angeles. the district's median age is 32.6, but it tells casting directors that it just turned 26.3. the region was originally home to a native american tribe known as the tataviam, or "people facing the sun". which is why they were always so easy to beat at tennis. in the late 18th century, spanish explorers were drawn to the region by the promise of sunshine, warm weather, and easy access to the 405 freeway. some of them are still stuck in traffic.

in the 1840s, the region expierenced a brief gold rush, leading the first san fernando. valley prospectors to say: (valley girl accent...) "uh ma god, look at this gold, it's, like, totally golden." gold! the 29th is home to the clothing brand juicy couture, who are known both for their velour tracksuits and their charity work. teaching teen-aged boys to read. the district is home to 46 porn studios, including "pink visual," famous for such titles as "bubble butts galore" and "asian slut invasion, volume 3." i know, another sequel. when is hollywood going to come up with an original slut invasion idea? so who has the tortillas grandes to represent the 29th? why, it's none other than democratic representative tony cardenas, whose porn name, by the way, is london rubbintug.

i sat down with mr. cardenas in his congress. jim? congressman, thanks so much for talking to me today. >> thanks for having me. fell me about the fightin' 29th. >> great place, hard working folks, big manufacturing community. been living there all my life and a representative for 18 years now. >> there is a lot of porn movies made in your district. what neighborhood specifically should i not buy a couch from? >> wouldn't be a good idea in any neighborhood. >> you're mexican-american, correct? >> yeah. >> stephen: you sponsored a resolution recognizing hispanic heritage month. >> yes. >> stephen: why a whole month? because there's a lot to talk about. >> stephen: you have cinco de mayo and every tuesday. >> that's a different thing. >> stephen: i don't get it. white irish catholic month?

we applied for february and they gave it to the black guys. one day. we get one day and you get a whole month. >> maybe they're not happy with what you said. >> stephen: like i respectfully disagree with you? >> yes. >> stephen: i understand you're the youngest of 11 children. >> i am. >> stephen: can you say your brothers and sisters fast and see who can say them faster? ready, one, two, three, go! (naming siblings at the same time) (laughter) >> stephen: here's the thing. you tier youngest of 11, i'm the youngest of 11. but the 11 kids in my family are old timey irish, whereas the 11 children in your family -- and i do not mean this in any way but

the best way possible -- are kind of scary going to take over the countryish. do you know what i mean? >> not evennish. >> stephen: can you meet me halfway and tell me why you're scared? >> no. >> stephen: meet me halfway and say it. >> no. >> stephen: you don't want people to use the word illegals. do you want them to be called usurpers, not legals -- if you say they are illegal, you mean they are illegal them. you could also not have a driver's license and still be "legal." do you understand? >> yeah. if you don't have a driver's license and you're legal you're still illegal. it's more accurate that way. >> but illegal gives, in my opinion, the wrong connotation. >> stephen: what connotation do you think?

>> they that they're illegal. >> stephen: doing things wrong? they're in the united states illegally. that's illegal. illegal -- (pronouncing in accent) was it legal for them to come here? >> no. >> stephen: so they are ill -- finish the sentence -- illegal. they're undocumented? >> they lived in a place where maybe they were starving or couldn't take care of their family. >> stephen: okay, let's move on. you're going to kick chicken from china out of school children's lunches. we don't need your kind here! you're taking job away from american chickens! do you see how hypocritical you are? >> no, i think it's consistent. >> stephen: how do you identify a chicken as being chinese? they all loo look alike. >> they label them and tell us where they got them from. >> stephen: so you're for putting labels on people based

on where they're from? >> on food, yes. >> stephen: first we're feeding the poor kids, now it has to be uncontaminated food. where does the entitle meant bag end? >> it's important wherever food people eat they know where it came from and it's safe. >> stephen: when did the safety net become hammocked, congressman? let's go back to something you were talking about before. what do they make of 29t 29th other than high-quality porn? (doorbell) (laughter) >> stephen: delivery? congressman? did you order mexican? >> no. >> stephen: well, then, i guess i'll just let him give it to me.

wow. that's a big brito. burrito. (laughter) >> stephen: thank you so much, nice to talk to you today. thank you. (laughter) >> stephen: okay, let's put california's 29th up on the big board! (cheers and applause) ooh, looks like filming has started on asian invasion four. we'll be right back. this is smith & forge hard cider.

it's like jasper here. strong. sturdy. but not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. built to refresh. smith & forge hard cider. made strong. smith & forge hard cider. yothey also bring tough nasal than sneecongestion. hy eyes. so you need claritin-d. it combines the leading non-drowsy antihistamine with a powerful decongestant all in one pill. so blow away nasal congestion fast with claritin-d.

i would share a shawarma with me.e. i'd snuggle up with me. have a wine with me. whew. i'd [buzz] me. shave. style. groom. innovation and you. philips norelco.

>> stephen: welcome back! thanks so much folks! folks, i want take a moment to wish you all a happy earth day! of course, as every year, this morning i headed out to get my traditional earth day tree. just walked into the park and cut down the first one i saw. but don't worry tree-huggers. when earth day is over, i'll release it back into the wild. i feel especially close to mother earth on this earth day, because we finally have proof our planet doesn't like liberals any more than i do. the greenies are not going to like today. a federal study is out, and it shows costly bio-fuel made from corn is actually worse for the environment in the short term than straight-up gasoline. looks like ethanol may not be as green as everyone thought. ethanol made from corn residue may actually be more harmful to the environment. ha! ha! harmful to the environment. trying is pointless! you see, according to the first environmental study, that i've

enjoyed reading, making ethanol by removing corn leftovers from the fields could actually hurt the ability of soil to absorb carbon dioxide. and absorbing co2 is crucial to our planet's health, because there's a 'ton' of it in the air for some reason. this study is the final nail in green energy's biodegradable coffin. turns out, everything you thought was good for the environment is bad. we already know wind power separates migrating geese into bird pepperoni. so it's only a matter of time before we learn that solar power relies on clubbing baby seals, because those shiny panels are made from the gleam in their eyes. it's time to forget about green energy and double down on black energy. this is the earth day when we take our planet back from the environmentalists. forget planting trees or picking up litter. we should all celebrate like fox news host eric bolling.

jim? >> it's an annual event. in my household, we open all the windows and turn up the heat or the air conditioning, whichever is the opposite of whatever the temperature is outside and i. spark up the 90,000 btu barbecue and cook some steaks. >> way to stick it to the greenies, eric! man, i'd hate to be the dumbass who has to pay this guy's utility bills. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] welcome to no man's land. it's a place you've been before, but it's not on any map. so go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. ♪ we're all born wild. ♪ let's keep it that way. the 2014 4runner. toyota. let's go places.

i've been hearing good things about sprint's new network. oh, it's unbelievable.

fewer dropped calls, better call quality... it's fast, right? sprint a un tout nouveau réseau lte avec un spectre tri-bande. you can also text. yes. you can also text. it's tres good. okay. i, i don't know where to go with that. [ male announcer ] join america's newest network, now with faster speeds, fewer dropped calls and better call quality. and for a limited time, get a switching bonus worth up to $650. happy connecting, from sprint. a professional basketball player's best friend? basketball players ride the team bus. but this guy? carte blanche to a variety of late model sports vehicles and there is no end to the financial spoils that come from both friendship and eastern european verticality. hi-fi entertainment systems, stemware, and purebred animals. all the benefits of fortune none of the nagging ramifications of fame. meaning he can dine on the liquid gold of velveeta shells & cheese at any time of his choosing. liquid gold. eat like that guy you know.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest is pulitzer prize winning columnist george will! (cheers and applause) george! good to see you again! thanks so much for coming back! nice to have you on the show. of course, there are a few people out there who do not know you're a pulitzer prize winning columnist, published over 500 newspapers worldwide. you're a fox news contributor now. how do you like it? >> love it. >> stephen: you worked abc for years, now fox news. what's the difference? >> fox news is like getting on a southwest airlines plane. everybody's happy, at the top of

the heap and feel like insurgents. >> stephen: wow. that's great. sounds almost dangerous (laughter) you have a new book called a nice little place on the north side, wrigley field at 100. why write a book about wrigley field? you're a cubs fan. >> yes. >> stephen: do you love the cubs or is it sort of an abusive relationship wher you can't get yourself out of right now? >> i'm afraid if i stop, they'll start winning. >> stephen: oh, like the cubs are a slot machine that you've warmed up. >> exactly. >> stephen: for 106 years. they've got to pay off eventually. >> turns out they don't. they don't have to. >> stephen: for the people out there who have not been at wrigley field, i used to live on addison at broadway and it's beautiful. what do you love about wrigley field? >> the sheer age of it. when it opened 100 years ago on april 23rd, 1914, we know that

there had to be civil war veterans in the sand. people at gettysburg, shiloh, chancellorsville -- >> stephen: why do we know they had to be there? >> it was a requirement. >> stephen: for opening game? right. >> stephen: like bat day or quarter of beer, it's take a civil war veteran home day? >> exactly right. >> stephen: so the age of it is great. i love things that are old. i'm conservative, you're conservative. i don't think anything should ever change. do you think that wrigley field -- >> that makes you a liberal. >> stephen: that nothing should change? >> yes. >> stephen: i didn't realize that. conservatives want to conserve things. i know you're a word smith -- but why do want liberals things to stay the same? >> in 1935, social security -- do you drive a 1935 car? >> stephen: no, i drive a tesla. >> i'm sure you do. >> stephen: yeah, i do. do you watch a 1935 television set? >> stephen: no, a 1935

television set, i think was a potato field. >> the social security liberals believe things should have gone just as it always has. >> stephen: so we should get rid of social security? >> no. >> stephen: i should. am i more of a conservative than you are? >> yes. >> stephen: okay. i was trying to lead you into a field where old people would shoot you in the head. what is it -- when was the last time you went to a game there? >> two weeks ago. >> stephen: did they win? not exactly. >> stephen: really? how close to winning did they come? >> they scored. >> stephen: they scored? oh, that's really good. i love it there. >> 18 innings in yankee stadium a week ago and didn't score. >> stephen: do you think wrigley field, it's such a lovely place to be. you have the hand-lettered scoreboard, the ivy-colored walls, you've got clark

street -- do you think if it wasn't so nice that the cubs would win more? >> it is the case that p.k. wrigley, the son of the wrigley after whom the ballpark is named, decided when he inherited the team, the team is terrible, the ballpark is beautiful, let's get people come to see the ballpark. the grass will be so green and the ivy so lush and the sunshine so warm and the beer so cold people won't care what the scoreboard says. and for a while they did that. >> stephen: and people care now? >> they care now. >> stephen: are people not going to games at wrigley field anymore? >> oh, they're going. >> stephen: what is the problem, george? >> the problem -- >> stephen: what is the problem? sounds like it's a nice place to go and spend an afternoon because it's always been about going and getting drunk and occasionally a baseball game happens there. it's been since 1908 since they won the world series.

you don't go there to watch baseball. you go there to meet friends. >> 1908 is two years before tolstoy died. >> stephen: was tolstoy a white sox fan? i don't understand (laughter) >> you can meet very interesting people at wrigley field. they had a vendor there who tried to cheat the fans. his name was jack rubinstein. moved to dallas, changed his name to jack ruby and shot lee harvey oswald. >> stephen: wait a second -- if the cubs had been a better team and given more business to jack rubinstein, we'd know who shot kennedy? >> we snow who shot kennedy. >> stephen: wake up! come on, george! you buy that single bullet theory? >> i do. >> stephen: we just got from wrigley field to the kennedy assassination. atthat's a "the colbert report"

promise. >> the cubs won the cold war. >> stephen: if you can prove the cubs won the cold war, i'll personally endorse this book. right now. it could happen. >> in 1919 william wrigley bought catalina off southern california. the cubs began to train there. in '37 a des moines, iowa broadcaster known as dutch reagan decided he would cover spring training for his radio station. took a movie test with warner brothers, became an actor, became president of the united states and won the cold war. therefore, the cubs get credit for winning the cold war. (cheering) >> stephen: by that same logic, did not the chicago cubs also sell arms to iran? (laughter)

george will, i personally endorse a nice little place on the north side, that's the ♪ stuck in a contract? switch to t-mobile we'll pay your early termination fees. so you can get the new galaxy s5 for $0 down right now. a short word that's a tall order.

up your game. up the ante. and if you stumble, you get back up. up isn't easy, and we ought to know. we're in the business of up. everyday delta flies a quarter of million people while investing billions improving everything from booking to baggage claim. we're raising the bar on flying and tomorrow we will up it yet again. coors light answers. when cold refreshment calls... frost brewed coors light. the world's most refreshing beer.

>> stephen: that's the report, everybody! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org